I want to wait to post until I could say, "all better" but embarassedly
I must say not quite all better. Better than Monday for I was able to
teach all my classes and focus. I was not in the dither I was Monday.
Tomorrow I fly to Tenn. with my scooter to give a paper on Robin Hood
and Pardons of Grace in the 15th century. I think I can do it. I can
again imagine continuing on without John and I reconciling without
becoming a sick twisted desperate child as I was Saturday and Sunday.
I have a bit of distance regained.
Somehow have to heal myself and not sure how. Look, don't read more if
boring. But past this trying to piece it together in writing.
............
My parents were nuts. True nuts. Both violent and both sexually
inappropriate, father more so. I was an only child living with kooky
monsters who had moments of softness and wh were weak and irrational.
They gave me up to courts. Never got over that. My 12 I was legally
empancipated and on my own without family. Long long story of being on
streets, doing x and Y until I got this bright idea to go to school at
30. They changed everything. Big law school, Yale. Bi powered law
professor job. Set, could buy a home, raise my little girl, all demons
gone.
But NOOOOOO, I meet John. we bonded at the hip. SUre, he looked to me
for sage advice on the world or on reading Aristotle properly, but I
looked to him for the most guide in navigating my new life with
straight peopl (as opposed to street people). I followed his lead on
matters of judgment, he was my Southern Cowboy man who could also read
Nietzsche with me.
To keep short, what happened from the doctor's perspectives is that I
bonded with John the way I small child bonds with his ir her parent,
(bonding that hadn't occurred with my own). Sh when all the *****
happened and the baby died and he left when I was broke, I reall really
exploded into a million pieces.
Well now I am reconstituted as the doctors call it. A person again.
But at times of stress I rush back pounding on John's door expecting
that THIS time there will be comfort. Well, this time he wrote one
email the night before surgery that was curt saying he knew how serious
procedure was and then I have heard nothing. Nothing.
Okay - if anyone is reading we know the point is not what he does, but
what I do inlight of it. Well, I am hurt. Really hurt to point of
wanting to curl up. I can live with hurt. Main point is can I care for
Maria and teach etc. I am a little shaky. Fighting to stay up, going
to do this trip, but another part of me is just howling inside. I
bonded with Jon as if he were the parent, my blood, that family made of
fine decliate spiritual rope, and thus the pain at his snubbing is
intense.
Well this is where am. Going to do simple things like get travel
papers in order, look at my talk, pack, and really tell myself to keep
going and not fret that no email comes.
But the real turn is only going to come when I 1)accept and let things
be and 2) do more in life than care for Maria and work. I need to
actually be able to phone a girlfriend and say lets have coffee. This
is my plan at grad school. If I could just acquire a bit of
confidence, it would help ward of this demons smirking at me everytime
a tear goes down my face from no email.
Rocky music, I need Rocky music. BUT least anyone forget, I am much
better than Monday.
Rosena
.
|
|
| User: "Rhiannon" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Update @ |
08 Apr 2005 11:10:52 AM |
|
|
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1112823994.058697.47470@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
I want to wait to post until I could say, "all better" but embarassedly
I must say not quite all better. Better than Monday for I was able to
teach all my classes and focus. I was not in the dither I was Monday.
Tomorrow I fly to Tenn. with my scooter to give a paper on Robin Hood
and Pardons of Grace in the 15th century. I think I can do it. I can
again imagine continuing on without John and I reconciling without
becoming a sick twisted desperate child as I was Saturday and Sunday.
I have a bit of distance regained.
Somehow have to heal myself and not sure how. Look, don't read more if
boring. But past this trying to piece it together in writing.
...........
My parents were nuts. True nuts. Both violent and both sexually
inappropriate, father more so. I was an only child living with kooky
monsters who had moments of softness and wh were weak and irrational.
They gave me up to courts. Never got over that. My 12 I was legally
empancipated and on my own without family. Long long story of being on
streets, doing x and Y until I got this bright idea to go to school at
30. They changed everything. Big law school, Yale. Bi powered law
professor job. Set, could buy a home, raise my little girl, all demons
gone.
But NOOOOOO, I meet John. we bonded at the hip. SUre, he looked to me
for sage advice on the world or on reading Aristotle properly, but I
looked to him for the most guide in navigating my new life with
straight peopl (as opposed to street people). I followed his lead on
matters of judgment, he was my Southern Cowboy man who could also read
Nietzsche with me.
To keep short, what happened from the doctor's perspectives is that I
bonded with John the way I small child bonds with his ir her parent,
(bonding that hadn't occurred with my own). Sh when all the *****
happened and the baby died and he left when I was broke, I reall really
exploded into a million pieces.
Well now I am reconstituted as the doctors call it. A person again.
But at times of stress I rush back pounding on John's door expecting
that THIS time there will be comfort. Well, this time he wrote one
email the night before surgery that was curt saying he knew how serious
procedure was and then I have heard nothing. Nothing.
Okay - if anyone is reading we know the point is not what he does, but
what I do inlight of it. Well, I am hurt. Really hurt to point of
wanting to curl up. I can live with hurt. Main point is can I care for
Maria and teach etc. I am a little shaky. Fighting to stay up, going
to do this trip, but another part of me is just howling inside. I
bonded with Jon as if he were the parent, my blood, that family made of
fine decliate spiritual rope, and thus the pain at his snubbing is
intense.
Well this is where am. Going to do simple things like get travel
papers in order, look at my talk, pack, and really tell myself to keep
going and not fret that no email comes.
But the real turn is only going to come when I 1)accept and let things
be and 2) do more in life than care for Maria and work. I need to
actually be able to phone a girlfriend and say lets have coffee. This
is my plan at grad school. If I could just acquire a bit of
confidence, it would help ward of this demons smirking at me everytime
a tear goes down my face from no email.
Rocky music, I need Rocky music. BUT least anyone forget, I am much
better than Monday.
Rosena
Now that you have clearly identified the reasons for the unhealthy
behaviours you are on the road to healing. Sadly, you never knew the
parental bond or nurturing you so richly deserved. Equally tragic is the
fact that a surrogate could not provide it either. The mother in me would
love nothing more than to hold the child in you and tell you what your heart
needs to hear. Perhaps in some way this is what we do for each other
through our words. Yet is remains a substitute. I believe the key to all
of this is inside, and you need to stop looking outside of yourself and turn
inward. It has been said that sometimes we are forced to give ourselves
that which we cannot get from other people. The time has come for you to
mother yourself Rosena. To embrace and nature the little girl inside you
and tell her all the things she so desperately needs to hear. Tell her she
is beautiful and intelligent and kind and generous. Tell her she is
tenacious and strong and that despite her faults and her failures she is
worthwhile and deserving of happiness. Most important - tell her you love
her. Over and over. As many times as it takes for her to believe it.
Nurture your inner child the way you do your daughter. With unconditional
love and compassion and grace and forgiveness and hope. You are worthy.
Never doubt that.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
.
|
|
|
| User: "Used2be" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Update @ |
08 Apr 2005 01:59:36 PM |
|
|
"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote
Now that you have clearly identified the reasons for the unhealthy
behaviours you are on the road to healing. Sadly, you never knew the
parental bond or nurturing you so richly deserved. Equally tragic is the
fact that a surrogate could not provide it either. The mother in me would
love nothing more than to hold the child in you and tell you what your
heart
needs to hear. Perhaps in some way this is what we do for each other
through our words. Yet is remains a substitute. I believe the key to all
of this is inside, and you need to stop looking outside of yourself and
turn
inward. It has been said that sometimes we are forced to give ourselves
that which we cannot get from other people. The time has come for you to
mother yourself Rosena. To embrace and nature the little girl inside you
and tell her all the things she so desperately needs to hear. Tell her
she
is beautiful and intelligent and kind and generous. Tell her she is
tenacious and strong and that despite her faults and her failures she is
worthwhile and deserving of happiness. Most important - tell her you love
her. Over and over. As many times as it takes for her to believe it.
Nurture your inner child the way you do your daughter. With unconditional
love and compassion and grace and forgiveness and hope. You are worthy.
Never doubt that.
nicely said!!!!!
~u2b
.
|
|
|
| User: "Rhiannon" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Update @ - Warning - Thread Drift |
09 Apr 2005 09:37:34 AM |
|
|
"Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:swA5e.39661$ij5.27317@tornado.texas.rr.com...
<snipped my part>
nicely said!!!!!
~u2b
:)
How you doing these days? I think about you everyday.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
.
|
|
|
| User: "Used2be" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Update @ - Warning - Thread Drift |
10 Apr 2005 10:22:38 PM |
|
|
"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:eWQ5e.14830$6k4.1141199@news20.bellglobal.com...
:)
How you doing these days? I think about you everyday.
i'm alright, rhee. thanks for askin, hun.
~u2b
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "Catybu" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Update @ |
08 Apr 2005 06:04:16 PM |
|
|
"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:Lcx5e.23636$Fy3.1538091@news20.bellglobal.com...
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1112823994.058697.47470@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
I want to wait to post until I could say, "all better" but embarassedly
I must say not quite all better. Better than Monday for I was able to
teach all my classes and focus. I was not in the dither I was Monday.
Tomorrow I fly to Tenn. with my scooter to give a paper on Robin Hood
and Pardons of Grace in the 15th century. I think I can do it. I can
again imagine continuing on without John and I reconciling without
becoming a sick twisted desperate child as I was Saturday and Sunday.
I have a bit of distance regained.
Somehow have to heal myself and not sure how. Look, don't read more if
boring. But past this trying to piece it together in writing.
...........
My parents were nuts. True nuts. Both violent and both sexually
inappropriate, father more so. I was an only child living with kooky
monsters who had moments of softness and wh were weak and irrational.
They gave me up to courts. Never got over that. My 12 I was legally
empancipated and on my own without family. Long long story of being on
streets, doing x and Y until I got this bright idea to go to school at
30. They changed everything. Big law school, Yale. Bi powered law
professor job. Set, could buy a home, raise my little girl, all demons
gone.
But NOOOOOO, I meet John. we bonded at the hip. SUre, he looked to me
for sage advice on the world or on reading Aristotle properly, but I
looked to him for the most guide in navigating my new life with
straight peopl (as opposed to street people). I followed his lead on
matters of judgment, he was my Southern Cowboy man who could also read
Nietzsche with me.
To keep short, what happened from the doctor's perspectives is that I
bonded with John the way I small child bonds with his ir her parent,
(bonding that hadn't occurred with my own). Sh when all the *****
happened and the baby died and he left when I was broke, I reall really
exploded into a million pieces.
Well now I am reconstituted as the doctors call it. A person again.
But at times of stress I rush back pounding on John's door expecting
that THIS time there will be comfort. Well, this time he wrote one
email the night before surgery that was curt saying he knew how serious
procedure was and then I have heard nothing. Nothing.
Okay - if anyone is reading we know the point is not what he does, but
what I do inlight of it. Well, I am hurt. Really hurt to point of
wanting to curl up. I can live with hurt. Main point is can I care for
Maria and teach etc. I am a little shaky. Fighting to stay up, going
to do this trip, but another part of me is just howling inside. I
bonded with Jon as if he were the parent, my blood, that family made of
fine decliate spiritual rope, and thus the pain at his snubbing is
intense.
Well this is where am. Going to do simple things like get travel
papers in order, look at my talk, pack, and really tell myself to keep
going and not fret that no email comes.
But the real turn is only going to come when I 1)accept and let things
be and 2) do more in life than care for Maria and work. I need to
actually be able to phone a girlfriend and say lets have coffee. This
is my plan at grad school. If I could just acquire a bit of
confidence, it would help ward of this demons smirking at me everytime
a tear goes down my face from no email.
Rocky music, I need Rocky music. BUT least anyone forget, I am much
better than Monday.
Rosena
Now that you have clearly identified the reasons for the unhealthy
behaviours you are on the road to healing. Sadly, you never knew the
parental bond or nurturing you so richly deserved. Equally tragic is the
fact that a surrogate could not provide it either. The mother in me would
love nothing more than to hold the child in you and tell you what your
heart
needs to hear. Perhaps in some way this is what we do for each other
through our words. Yet is remains a substitute. I believe the key to all
of this is inside, and you need to stop looking outside of yourself and
turn
inward. It has been said that sometimes we are forced to give ourselves
that which we cannot get from other people. The time has come for you to
mother yourself Rosena. To embrace and nature the little girl inside you
and tell her all the things she so desperately needs to hear. Tell her
she
is beautiful and intelligent and kind and generous. Tell her she is
tenacious and strong and that despite her faults and her failures she is
worthwhile and deserving of happiness. Most important - tell her you love
her. Over and over. As many times as it takes for her to believe it.
Nurture your inner child the way you do your daughter. With unconditional
love and compassion and grace and forgiveness and hope. You are worthy.
Never doubt that.
I have never read such a supportive post. Really good advice, too. One
thing many depressives (myself included) believe is that they don't deserve
to be happy and Rosena's posts indicate that she is one of those who feel
that way.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
.
|
|
|
| User: "Rhiannon" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Update @ |
09 Apr 2005 09:33:39 AM |
|
|
"Catybu" <catybu_2005@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:Q5E5e.3930$9i7.2596@trnddc04...
I have never read such a supportive post. Really good advice, too. One
thing many depressives (myself included) believe is that they don't
deserve
to be happy and Rosena's posts indicate that she is one of those who feel
that way.
:)
Mostly, I feel persecuted. Punished. Although, I suppose they amount to
the same thing.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
"Curiouser and curiouser," said the Cheshire Cat.
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "Rhiannon" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Update @ |
08 Apr 2005 11:15:17 AM |
|
|
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1112823994.058697.47470@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
I want to wait to post until I could say, "all better" but embarassedly
I must say not quite all better. Better than Monday for I was able to
teach all my classes and focus. I was not in the dither I was Monday.
Tomorrow I fly to Tenn. with my scooter to give a paper on Robin Hood
and Pardons of Grace in the 15th century. I think I can do it. I can
again imagine continuing on without John and I reconciling without
becoming a sick twisted desperate child as I was Saturday and Sunday.
I have a bit of distance regained.
Somehow have to heal myself and not sure how. Look, don't read more if
boring. But past this trying to piece it together in writing.
...........
My parents were nuts. True nuts. Both violent and both sexually
inappropriate, father more so. I was an only child living with kooky
monsters who had moments of softness and wh were weak and irrational.
They gave me up to courts. Never got over that. My 12 I was legally
empancipated and on my own without family. Long long story of being on
streets, doing x and Y until I got this bright idea to go to school at
30. They changed everything. Big law school, Yale. Bi powered law
professor job. Set, could buy a home, raise my little girl, all demons
gone.
But NOOOOOO, I meet John. we bonded at the hip. SUre, he looked to me
for sage advice on the world or on reading Aristotle properly, but I
looked to him for the most guide in navigating my new life with
straight peopl (as opposed to street people). I followed his lead on
matters of judgment, he was my Southern Cowboy man who could also read
Nietzsche with me.
To keep short, what happened from the doctor's perspectives is that I
bonded with John the way I small child bonds with his ir her parent,
(bonding that hadn't occurred with my own). Sh when all the *****
happened and the baby died and he left when I was broke, I reall really
exploded into a million pieces.
Well now I am reconstituted as the doctors call it. A person again.
But at times of stress I rush back pounding on John's door expecting
that THIS time there will be comfort. Well, this time he wrote one
email the night before surgery that was curt saying he knew how serious
procedure was and then I have heard nothing. Nothing.
Okay - if anyone is reading we know the point is not what he does, but
what I do inlight of it. Well, I am hurt. Really hurt to point of
wanting to curl up. I can live with hurt. Main point is can I care for
Maria and teach etc. I am a little shaky. Fighting to stay up, going
to do this trip, but another part of me is just howling inside. I
bonded with Jon as if he were the parent, my blood, that family made of
fine decliate spiritual rope, and thus the pain at his snubbing is
intense.
Well this is where am. Going to do simple things like get travel
papers in order, look at my talk, pack, and really tell myself to keep
going and not fret that no email comes.
But the real turn is only going to come when I 1)accept and let things
be and 2) do more in life than care for Maria and work. I need to
actually be able to phone a girlfriend and say lets have coffee. This
is my plan at grad school. If I could just acquire a bit of
confidence, it would help ward of this demons smirking at me everytime
a tear goes down my face from no email.
Rocky music, I need Rocky music. BUT least anyone forget, I am much
better than Monday.
Rosena
Now that you have clearly identified the reasons for the unhealthy
behaviours you are on the road to healing. Sadly, you never knew the
parental bond or nurturing you so richly deserved. Equally tragic is the
fact that a surrogate could not provide it either. The mother in me would
love nothing more than to hold the child in you and tell you what your heart
needs to hear. Perhaps in some way this is what we do for each other
through our words. Yet is remains a substitute. I believe the key to all
of this is inside, and you need to stop looking outside of yourself and turn
inward. It has been said that sometimes we are forced to give ourselves
that which we cannot get from other people. The time has come for you to
mother yourself Rosena. To embrace and nurture the little girl inside you
and tell her all the things she so desperately needs to hear. Tell her she
is beautiful and intelligent and kind and generous. Tell her she is
tenacious and strong and that despite her faults and her failures she is
worthwhile and deserving of happiness. Most important - tell her you love
her. Over and over. As many times as it takes for her to believe it.
Nurture your inner child the way you do your daughter. With unconditional
love and compassion and grace and forgiveness and hope. You are worthy.
Never doubt that.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Lemony Fresh" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Update @ |
06 Apr 2005 08:51:50 PM |
|
|
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1112823994.058697.47470@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
I want to wait to post until I could say, "all better" but embarassedly
I must say not quite all better. Better than Monday for I was able to
teach all my classes and focus. I was not in the dither I was Monday.
Tomorrow I fly to Tenn. with my scooter to give a paper on Robin Hood
and Pardons of Grace in the 15th century. I think I can do it. I can
again imagine continuing on without John and I reconciling without
becoming a sick twisted desperate child as I was Saturday and Sunday.
I have a bit of distance regained.
Somehow have to heal myself and not sure how. Look, don't read more if
boring. But past this trying to piece it together in writing.
...........
My parents were nuts. True nuts. Both violent and both sexually
inappropriate, father more so. I was an only child living with kooky
monsters who had moments of softness and wh were weak and irrational.
They gave me up to courts. Never got over that. My 12 I was legally
empancipated and on my own without family. Long long story of being on
streets, doing x and Y until I got this bright idea to go to school at
30. They changed everything. Big law school, Yale. Bi powered law
professor job. Set, could buy a home, raise my little girl, all demons
gone.
Heh, if only it worked out like that, eh?
But NOOOOOO, I meet John. we bonded at the hip. SUre, he looked to me
for sage advice on the world or on reading Aristotle properly, but I
looked to him for the most guide in navigating my new life with
straight peopl (as opposed to street people). I followed his lead on
matters of judgment, he was my Southern Cowboy man who could also read
Nietzsche with me.
To keep short, what happened from the doctor's perspectives is that I
bonded with John the way I small child bonds with his ir her parent,
(bonding that hadn't occurred with my own). Sh when all the *****
happened and the baby died and he left when I was broke, I reall really
exploded into a million pieces.
Well now I am reconstituted as the doctors call it. A person again.
But at times of stress I rush back pounding on John's door expecting
that THIS time there will be comfort. Well, this time he wrote one
email the night before surgery that was curt saying he knew how serious
procedure was and then I have heard nothing. Nothing.
Okay - if anyone is reading we know the point is not what he does, but
what I do inlight of it. Well, I am hurt. Really hurt to point of
wanting to curl up. I can live with hurt. Main point is can I care for
Maria and teach etc. I am a little shaky. Fighting to stay up, going
to do this trip, but another part of me is just howling inside. I
bonded with Jon as if he were the parent, my blood, that family made of
fine decliate spiritual rope, and thus the pain at his snubbing is
intense.
Yeah, I have played out relationships like this, my father always told me to
engage my rational mind in a very conscious manner when I found myself reacting
in a way that on the surface seemed irrational. When examining things on a
'deep down' level, my weird responses always made perfect fucked up sense when
you mapped my reactions to my lifetime-experience drive (brain, aka jean's
head).
Well this is where am. Going to do simple things like get travel
papers in order, look at my talk, pack, and really tell myself to keep
going and not fret that no email comes.
But the real turn is only going to come when I 1)accept and let things
be and 2) do more in life than care for Maria and work. I need to
actually be able to phone a girlfriend and say lets have coffee. This
is my plan at grad school. If I could just acquire a bit of
confidence, it would help ward of this demons smirking at me everytime
a tear goes down my face from no email.
Rocky music, I need Rocky music. BUT least anyone forget, I am much
better than Monday.
Don't you forget it. Lookit you, the street girl turned ivy league educated
jeanius. It's no wonder you have some severe problems given what you've been
through (I was put into the foster care system as a teen myself, I know it's not
fun), I absolutely love the way you continue to achieve in spite of your fears.
There are quite a few people that post here (pannah comes to mind and % too,
though I'm not foolish enough to make a comprehensive list) who contain this
characteristic, the survival gene.
Anyway. I read here because I like most of the people who post here, there's
even admiration involved - I just noticed that.
Jean
Rosena
.
|
|
|
| User: "Used2be" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Update @ |
07 Apr 2005 03:33:49 PM |
|
|
"Lemony Fresh" <lemonyfreshness@hotmail.com> wrote
<snip>
i like your nick!!!!
:-)
~u2b
.
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "packrat" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Update @ |
06 Apr 2005 06:14:35 PM |
|
|
Glad you're better than Monday. You have lots going on with prospective
move and decisions to make, then the surgery coming up to cause you to want
to touch base with someone, even an unhealthy someone.
I read your brief life history and caused me to really admire you more, to
go through all you went through and to be where you are now. Yes, you are a
fighter.
Take care....C.
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1112823994.058697.47470@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
I want to wait to post until I could say, "all better" but embarassedly
I must say not quite all better. Better than Monday for I was able to
teach all my classes and focus. I was not in the dither I was Monday.
Tomorrow I fly to Tenn. with my scooter to give a paper on Robin Hood
and Pardons of Grace in the 15th century. I think I can do it. I can
again imagine continuing on without John and I reconciling without
becoming a sick twisted desperate child as I was Saturday and Sunday.
I have a bit of distance regained.
Somehow have to heal myself and not sure how. Look, don't read more if
boring. But past this trying to piece it together in writing.
...........
My parents were nuts. True nuts. Both violent and both sexually
inappropriate, father more so. I was an only child living with kooky
monsters who had moments of softness and wh were weak and irrational.
They gave me up to courts. Never got over that. My 12 I was legally
empancipated and on my own without family. Long long story of being on
streets, doing x and Y until I got this bright idea to go to school at
30. They changed everything. Big law school, Yale. Bi powered law
professor job. Set, could buy a home, raise my little girl, all demons
gone.
But NOOOOOO, I meet John. we bonded at the hip. SUre, he looked to me
for sage advice on the world or on reading Aristotle properly, but I
looked to him for the most guide in navigating my new life with
straight peopl (as opposed to street people). I followed his lead on
matters of judgment, he was my Southern Cowboy man who could also read
Nietzsche with me.
To keep short, what happened from the doctor's perspectives is that I
bonded with John the way I small child bonds with his ir her parent,
(bonding that hadn't occurred with my own). Sh when all the *****
happened and the baby died and he left when I was broke, I reall really
exploded into a million pieces.
Well now I am reconstituted as the doctors call it. A person again.
But at times of stress I rush back pounding on John's door expecting
that THIS time there will be comfort. Well, this time he wrote one
email the night before surgery that was curt saying he knew how serious
procedure was and then I have heard nothing. Nothing.
Okay - if anyone is reading we know the point is not what he does, but
what I do inlight of it. Well, I am hurt. Really hurt to point of
wanting to curl up. I can live with hurt. Main point is can I care for
Maria and teach etc. I am a little shaky. Fighting to stay up, going
to do this trip, but another part of me is just howling inside. I
bonded with Jon as if he were the parent, my blood, that family made of
fine decliate spiritual rope, and thus the pain at his snubbing is
intense.
Well this is where am. Going to do simple things like get travel
papers in order, look at my talk, pack, and really tell myself to keep
going and not fret that no email comes.
But the real turn is only going to come when I 1)accept and let things
be and 2) do more in life than care for Maria and work. I need to
actually be able to phone a girlfriend and say lets have coffee. This
is my plan at grad school. If I could just acquire a bit of
confidence, it would help ward of this demons smirking at me everytime
a tear goes down my face from no email.
Rocky music, I need Rocky music. BUT least anyone forget, I am much
better than Monday.
Rosena
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| User: "yuluwirri" |
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| Title: Re: @ Update @ |
06 Apr 2005 06:31:49 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
I too am glad that you are feeling better than Monday Rosena. I also
wanted to let you know that I think I thoroughly understand your
attachment to John (as I have said before, I have been through the
same and for the same reasons as yourself), and I am here to try to
give you hope that it does get better and you do, finally get over
them. It took me many years, but finally I am free. Best of luck with
your papers. Let us know how you go.
Ga
On 6 Apr 2005 14:46:34 -0700, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
I want to wait to post until I could say, "all better" but embarassedly
I must say not quite all better. Better than Monday for I was able to
teach all my classes and focus. I was not in the dither I was Monday.
Tomorrow I fly to Tenn. with my scooter to give a paper on Robin Hood
and Pardons of Grace in the 15th century. I think I can do it. I can
again imagine continuing on without John and I reconciling without
becoming a sick twisted desperate child as I was Saturday and Sunday.
I have a bit of distance regained.
Somehow have to heal myself and not sure how. Look, don't read more if
boring. But past this trying to piece it together in writing.
...........
My parents were nuts. True nuts. Both violent and both sexually
inappropriate, father more so. I was an only child living with kooky
monsters who had moments of softness and wh were weak and irrational.
They gave me up to courts. Never got over that. My 12 I was legally
empancipated and on my own without family. Long long story of being on
streets, doing x and Y until I got this bright idea to go to school at
30. They changed everything. Big law school, Yale. Bi powered law
professor job. Set, could buy a home, raise my little girl, all demons
gone.
But NOOOOOO, I meet John. we bonded at the hip. SUre, he looked to me
for sage advice on the world or on reading Aristotle properly, but I
looked to him for the most guide in navigating my new life with
straight peopl (as opposed to street people). I followed his lead on
matters of judgment, he was my Southern Cowboy man who could also read
Nietzsche with me.
To keep short, what happened from the doctor's perspectives is that I
bonded with John the way I small child bonds with his ir her parent,
(bonding that hadn't occurred with my own). Sh when all the *****
happened and the baby died and he left when I was broke, I reall really
exploded into a million pieces.
Well now I am reconstituted as the doctors call it. A person again.
But at times of stress I rush back pounding on John's door expecting
that THIS time there will be comfort. Well, this time he wrote one
email the night before surgery that was curt saying he knew how serious
procedure was and then I have heard nothing. Nothing.
Okay - if anyone is reading we know the point is not what he does, but
what I do inlight of it. Well, I am hurt. Really hurt to point of
wanting to curl up. I can live with hurt. Main point is can I care for
Maria and teach etc. I am a little shaky. Fighting to stay up, going
to do this trip, but another part of me is just howling inside. I
bonded with Jon as if he were the parent, my blood, that family made of
fine decliate spiritual rope, and thus the pain at his snubbing is
intense.
Well this is where am. Going to do simple things like get travel
papers in order, look at my talk, pack, and really tell myself to keep
going and not fret that no email comes.
But the real turn is only going to come when I 1)accept and let things
be and 2) do more in life than care for Maria and work. I need to
actually be able to phone a girlfriend and say lets have coffee. This
is my plan at grad school. If I could just acquire a bit of
confidence, it would help ward of this demons smirking at me everytime
a tear goes down my face from no email.
Rocky music, I need Rocky music. BUT least anyone forget, I am much
better than Monday.
Rosena
--
yuluwirri
~~~~~~~
Fish know.
~~~~~~~
yuluwirri@hotmail.com
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