I confess. If I get jumped I will cry but I have to write this out
somewhere.

1. Maria first for she is most important. They put her on Prozac
today. She looked pretty in new shirt, and she hasn't cut. When it is
just her an me we are pretty okay - not perfect, but it is much sweeter
and warmer in the air than when Leif is around. I am desperate to make
it okay for her. Related:

2 Things with Leif are out of hand. He struck me once two nights ago
(Maria did not see). He threw me a week ago. He calls me names, says I
am without character, failed, and then snickered last night how I was
"vulnurable" and I better understand that, to anyone who wanted to harm
me (like him if he wanted to).

3. Leif with Maria - she is protective of me and herself she cannot
cope with his snideness, sense of superiority, insensitivty, and
constant constant complaining and pot shots at her or me.

4. The fix? There is no fix until I have enough money, even at poverty
level which is fine, to support Maria and me. I can't just take her
away from him now for we have no funds. So? I MUST try to get one of
these two jobs I am interviewing for even if it means Maria and I move
once more for it will mean NO Leif and that is key right now to her
mental health AND to mine. He is making me feel crazed, stupid, and
like a failure. It is impossible to perform in school under these
circumstances.

5 Have appointment for myself alone with new therapist but not until
Dec. 5th. I wish could talk to someone earler but best I could get . .
.

6 In middle of all this have to write research article on Ancient Roman
punishment in the Arena, research proposal, study another Latin exam,
and do yet ANOTHER article-quality paper on the Goths and Romans at the
fall of Empire.

I am asking Leif to leave for a few days to get a breather around here.
Maybe at Thanksgiving. This is real bad . . .I know what drove me out
of outside ten years ago to John and it is worse now. I never loved
Leif. He is angry at that. And he hates me for it.
I feel as if Maria and I are in a deep dark sea without a raft and I am
doing all I can to keep both our heads above water.

OKay . . .I need to try to locate funds for right now. Maybe handicap
scholarship?? First the screaming has to stop so I can think. Sorry
so long.

Rosena