You said "I love you too" meant only that you were merely biding your time.
When you said you got sent home from work it meant that you called in.
I heard not a word from our roommates, my friends. They all knew what was in
store for me. No one told.
I saw them every day but not a hint or clue to protect me. The trainwreck
about to happen in what was once my so called life.
You'd go to the bar with Shell, to help a friend get over her recent ex, but
decided to do the same. Except I wasn't the ex quite yet.
She met a nice guy named 'Bill'. He had a friend named Mike. Must have been
love at first or second sight.
I was at work second shift- pulling twelve hour days because I didn't want
to get laid off. We needed money, I wanted to do our wedding right.
But I'd be too tired after work, to go drinking, dancing, you know...to do
what you'd like. You complained I was always this way.


The inevitable fight once again.We used to fight over money. Used to fight
over opinions, you were 'never right'. Not as true as I was.
Then came the silence, no shouts, no comments. Just looks filled with rage
and desire.
God only knows how I long for one of our worst- just to hear your voice once
more. Would not matter why, who which or what I'd pray for it.
I made you cry. I wanted to sometimes just to have you see or feel me.
Wasn't right nor the thing I wanted but I settled for what I could.
How many shifts I'd stare blankly ahead thinking ***** petty thoughts.
Never imagining you were leaving.
So wrapped up it seemed. Helping protect Shell & Lizzy. Others is all I
could think of and totally missed what went concerning me.
All that time gone. All those feelings here. I didn't get to say nothing
that my soul needed to find peace. NOTHING!
The car comes skidding kicking dirt and dust all about me. "We need to talk"
is all you said. Last thing I heard actually.
At 3:00pm we were 'fine'. My short 8hr day over at 11pm, 35 minutes later
your're gone.
What'd I do? What's going on? Can you just wait please? Let's sit and talk
like we used to.
My roommate stood just outside the front door. Listening to me or protecting
you?
I remember that I just begged. Cried true painfilled tears of why and how. A
friend's house you'd stay till all was calm. Promised it wasn't me.
Pleaded and watched you pack the last few things. No expression save the one
saying goodbye.
I wanted to say how sorry I was but your heart was closed to hear me. You
made a decision and stuck to it. Making a change. For the better
I hope. I commend the strength and the courage you needed and held to do
what you felt needed to better your chances or whatever your reason.
I just would have liked to know the truth and what of the children Mike &
you made. Mine wasn't worthy the grapevine told all around me.
Even rumored a drain held the last of our love.

I remember ever word you say, over a decade plus 4 now. Still fresh. Though
the dreams aren't as frequent I still see your face.
Sometimes I feel your warmth of your body pressed against mine. My hand in
yours. Your lips on mine.
I have the twins' photo in my wallet. Would have loved them to be mine. Some
say I am obsessed with you and what once was.
Pretty much uncertain anymore of anything since then I admit.
The only thing I know that is stronger than my faith in you is the fact I'm
lonely now, forever always will be.
Not even God.
Not even God.

I love you Sharmaine.