| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Noon Cat Nick" |
| Date: |
21 Nov 2004 04:26:29 AM |
| Object: |
18 Excuses for a Day Off from Work |
(from a 1994 contest held by the _Washington Post_)
1. If it's all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two laxatives in addition to my
Prozac. I can't leave the bathroom, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday, and spent eighteen hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, reliving
Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only
by reversing the
polarity of the power source exactly e*log(n) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper. Accordingly, I
will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline meet...
7. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the drug stor.
8. I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder, and hey,
how about those Knicks, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help
you? No, no, I'll be sticking with my current phone service, but thank
you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. My psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. She even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead, and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
16. I'm converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I'm extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there's a
commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
.
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| User: "Quiet Desperation" |
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| Title: Re: 18 Excuses for a Day Off from Work |
23 Nov 2004 11:43:15 PM |
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The all time classic is: "You *don't* want the details."
Let their imagination do the work for you.
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