"John" <jdamato@noone.home> wrote in message
news:vFtKe.8392$vf.588@tornado.socal.rr.com...

Now if I could just get Kristina and Maia to stop doing battle over what

Maia is going to wear....

You will. In about 18 years when she's too old to be told. <g> It's a
power struggle. An attempt at control from one who has little of it. A
good sign actually. It means Maia is developmentally on track with this
display of independence. The experts recommend you choose your battles
carefully. Some things just aren't as important as others. Allow her two
days a week to dress herself. Put a calendar at eye level where she can
see
it and mark off Tuesday and Thursday making it clear to her that she picks
out her clothes on those days and Kristina picks out her close on the
other
days. This is where it gets difficult. I can almost guarantee she is
going
to pick out clothes you may not approve of. Hideously clashing colours
and
patterns. Mismatched socks. Weather inappropriate apparel. Bite your
tongue and let her do it anyway. It is not the end of the world if her
clothes don't match. If you feel really strongly about appearances don't
schedule any appointments on those days and limit her public exposure
to...say...just the park. OTOH going out in public specifically to show
her
off on those *I can dress myself* days - no matter how awful her choices -
will have a very positive impact on her self esteem. People will
understand. I remember when my oldest son was about 3 and I would take
him
to the grocery store in a green t-shirt, red shorts, a white sock, a blue
sock and running shoes. People would glance and I would smile and
say..."He
chose his own clothes and dressed himself today." They would lock eyes
with
me for a second and reply..."Ohhhhhh...well aren't you a handsome young
man.
What good job you did." He would beam from ear to ear as I mouthed the
words "thank you." And if they don't understand; screw 'em.

On days when Kristina picks out her clothes there is probably still going
to
be a show down anyway. Kids that age don't know "fair". I found that
distracting them from the argument by turning it into a game made it
easier.
Particularly if they are challenged. I would put on a CD and say..."I bet
you can't finish dressing by the time this song is over." I would get
a..."Oh, yes I can. Just watch me!" At that point it didn't matter that
*I* had chosen the clothes that day. It was suddenly forgotten in the
face
of a challenge that was more important and took precedent in his young and
developing mind.

Allowing her to make choices over the more benign things, like clothing,
will make her feel important...that her opinion matters...that she can be
trusted to decide...that you are acknowledging and validating her
independence and the best part of the two day-three day system is that it
teaches compromise without hurt feelings or a sense of being cheated. It
is
a very slow process and it can be frustrating as hell. And what works for
some children won't work for other children. There is always an exception
to every rule. The parent must decide which method works best. It means
being a creative genius at times. Some days you have to be
extraordinarily
patient and it's terribly difficult, but
nurturing their self esteem is so critical, any amount of work is never
too
much, and in the end it's worth it. My oldest, now 19, aside from
ordinary
teenage angst, is a well grounded young man with impeccable taste in
clothing and never leaves the house without looking his best. <g>

You may also want to visit the library and have a look at the following
books. Despite the fact that they are now outdated from when I first read
them they still contain valuable information. However, I do recommend you
add some current publications to the list.

Briggs, Dorothy. *Your Child's Self-Esteem.* Garden City, N.Y.: Doubleday,
1970

Borba, Michele. *Esteem Builders: Parent Guide.* Jalmar Press, Rolling
Hills

Marston, Stephanie. *The Magic of Encouragement.* Morrow Publishing Co.,
New
York, N.Y., 1990

Marshall B Stearn. *The relationship of parent effectiveness training to
parent attitudes, parent behaviour and child self-esteem.* 1971

Louise Bates Ames, Frances L. Ilg *Your Three-Year-Old : Friend or Enemy*
1985 (Part of the Gesell Institute Child Development Series - Series of
age
related books from year 1 to year 12.)

Good luck. :)

--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
"All those who believe in psychokinesis
raise my hand."