| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"elegy" |
| Date: |
20 Jun 2004 12:04:14 PM |
| Object: |
better not to think. better not to write. |
i write here about stupid things. my dogs, mostly. poodlerific. luce
stories maybe enjoyable, maybe not. it's all meaningless.
i feel like there's a dam in the back of my head holding all that
stuff back. i am afraid that it's pushing and pushing and that tiny
crack will appear and i cannot afford the flash flood that would
follow.
it's been so long that i've been back in non-feeling survival mode.
work, play with dogs, play around online, sleep, don't think, don't
feel, don't write.
have a paper journal that i drag around with me that i only write in
maybe once a month, and stupid shallow things, always, because i know,
i *know* if i start, i won't be able to keep myself together.
the pressure is building and i'm scared.
i'm not sure what to do.
---
blogging for pit bull rescue
project-blog july 24, 2004.
http://shattering.org
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
20 Jun 2004 01:51:46 PM |
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On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 13:04:14 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
the pressure is building and i'm scared.
i'm not sure what to do.
Do you have a therapist? a F2F support network? An emergency plan for
emotional safety?
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
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| User: "elegy" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
20 Jun 2004 08:08:30 PM |
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On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 18:51:46 GMT, wombn <wombnhearmeroar@comcast.net>
wrote:
On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 13:04:14 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
the pressure is building and i'm scared.
i'm not sure what to do.
Do you have a therapist? a F2F support network? An emergency plan for
emotional safety?
hahaha. no.
---
blogging for pit bull rescue
project-blog july 24, 2004.
http://shattering.org
.
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
20 Jun 2004 08:18:05 PM |
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On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 21:08:30 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 18:51:46 GMT, wombn <wombnhearmeroar@comcast.net>
wrote:
On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 13:04:14 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
the pressure is building and i'm scared.
i'm not sure what to do.
Do you have a therapist? a F2F support network? An emergency plan for
emotional safety?
hahaha. no.
But you need something. Someone. Somewhere.
I mean, I know, far too well, the feeling that if you let anything out
it will consume you. I've had a wretched couple of days, ending up in
24 hours in which I've barely been able to stop crying for any period
of time, and it's moments like these when I want to shut the whole
damn thing off, because I hate it, I hate myself for feeling this way,
for imposing this stuff on others, the whole thing. Either that, or I
want to fall completely, fully apart, in a way that I've never dared
to. And I won't, not now, not ever, because I'm too afraid of it.
But you can't keep it all inside, not always, not forever. That's the
road to worse horrors.
It's not that I have any good suggestions here, but I'm damn good at
seeing the wrong places to go. I've been to most of them.
Nina
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| User: "elegy" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
20 Jun 2004 09:49:18 PM |
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On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 21:18:05 -0400, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 21:08:30 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 18:51:46 GMT, wombn <wombnhearmeroar@comcast.net>
wrote:
On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 13:04:14 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
the pressure is building and i'm scared.
i'm not sure what to do.
Do you have a therapist? a F2F support network? An emergency plan for
emotional safety?
hahaha. no.
But you need something. Someone. Somewhere.
but how? how do you make something out of nothing?
I mean, I know, far too well, the feeling that if you let anything out
it will consume you. I've had a wretched couple of days, ending up in
24 hours in which I've barely been able to stop crying for any period
of time, and it's moments like these when I want to shut the whole
damn thing off, because I hate it, I hate myself for feeling this way,
for imposing this stuff on others, the whole thing. Either that, or I
want to fall completely, fully apart, in a way that I've never dared
to. And I won't, not now, not ever, because I'm too afraid of it.
<nod>
i often want to fall apart completely but i know it is not possible. i
have to keep going. have to. not an option. but oh how i envy those
who are allowed, or who allow themselves, to not function. i envy my
sister with her hospitalizations, with her twice weekly therapy, with
her being allowed to just lay in bed all day and do nothing.
i am not afforded those luxaries. i guess that's a choice i've made
for myself. too much pride? must keep it all inside? maybe. no. cannot
be vulnerable. cannot be vulnerable ever because that gets you hurt
even more than you're already hurt.
i am already hurt so much.
But you can't keep it all inside, not always, not forever. That's the
road to worse horrors.
i know this, i guess, but right now, what other choice is there? there
is nobody. i don't know how to not be alone.
It's not that I have any good suggestions here, but I'm damn good at
seeing the wrong places to go. I've been to most of them.
thank you nina. you always respond with such kindness and
understanding. i am very grateful.
---
blogging for pit bull rescue
project-blog july 24, 2004.
http://shattering.org
.
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
20 Jun 2004 10:03:43 PM |
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On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 22:49:18 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
Do you have a therapist? a F2F support network? An emergency plan for
emotional safety?
hahaha. no.
But you need something. Someone. Somewhere.
but how? how do you make something out of nothing?
depends on which issues are threatening to rip you to pieces...
In my own case, I found that book to be an immense help. And I found
a self-help group to go along with it.
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
.
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| User: "elegy" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
20 Jun 2004 10:14:44 PM |
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On Mon, 21 Jun 2004 03:03:43 GMT, wombn <wombnhearmeroar@comcast.net>
wrote:
On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 22:49:18 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
Do you have a therapist? a F2F support network? An emergency plan for
emotional safety?
hahaha. no.
But you need something. Someone. Somewhere.
but how? how do you make something out of nothing?
depends on which issues are threatening to rip you to pieces...
In my own case, I found that book to be an immense help. And I found
a self-help group to go along with it.
i don't even know which issues. all i know is i hurt and i feel
overwhelmed and i'm scared of being more overwhelmed. that probably
sounds stupid.
my work schedule pretty much makes self-help groups impossible, even
if i were willing, which i'm not sure that i am.
---
blogging for pit bull rescue
project-blog july 24, 2004.
http://shattering.org
.
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
21 Jun 2004 09:23:49 AM |
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On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 22:49:18 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
but how? how do you make something out of nothing?
Ha. Ask me something I know how to answer. ;-)
Because, of course, I relate to everything that you say here...
i often want to fall apart completely but i know it is not possible. i
have to keep going. have to. not an option. but oh how i envy those
who are allowed, or who allow themselves, to not function. i envy my
sister with her hospitalizations, with her twice weekly therapy, with
her being allowed to just lay in bed all day and do nothing.
i am not afforded those luxaries. i guess that's a choice i've made
for myself. too much pride? must keep it all inside? maybe. no. cannot
be vulnerable. cannot be vulnerable ever because that gets you hurt
even more than you're already hurt.
i am already hurt so much.
Yes. And I understand all of that far too well, as you know. And I
both scorn the people like my sister who allow themselves to fall
apart, with this blind, touching confidence that someone will be there
to catch them. I've never believed that, and I don't believe it now.
Of course, whether or not that's actually true is another story... and
one that I don't know the answer to.
But you can't keep it all inside, not always, not forever. That's the
road to worse horrors.
i know this, i guess, but right now, what other choice is there? there
is nobody. i don't know how to not be alone.
I'm not really good at this, either. I am trying very hard to learn
to be a little less all-or-nothing about this kind of thing. It is so
hard for me to let people in, to ask for help, that if I don't get
exactly what I want in the form that I recognize, I tend to run a
million miles and say, oh, I'll never make that mistake again. I know
that there are people who care about me, who might help me in their
own ways, if I would reach out, if I would let them. But, mostly, I
don't, because I do find it intensely scary, because I don't know how
to do it, etc.
I suspect that I'm very wrong about this. I am very afraid to let
myself be vulnerable, because there are so many things, as you say,
that hurt so much already. But I think that you can get to a place
where you're expecting pain before it ever arrives. You know it's
going to hurt, so you spend all your time bracing yourself for it, and
then the event is actually less traumatic than the buildup. Sometimes
you have to ask yourself just what it is that you are afraid of, what
could really happen to you. I suspect that, for both of us, the worst
traumas, the betrayals of trust, the very bad things... they are all
in the past. Nothing has the power that those things did. And so,
while we can't, perhaps, forget those things, they don't represent
what's actually happening now.
I read something ages ago that said, when children grow up too fast,
the problem is that you never learn to adjust your perceptions. That
is, when you see a horror movie as a child, it is huge and scary. But
a normal child will grow up, and adapt, and when you see the same
movie as an adult, it is funny or not scary, because your perceptions
have changed. But for those of us who had to face adult problems as
children, it's still the same. We dealt with the problem then,
through the eyes of a child, and we see the problem the same way now,
so the demons that should be laughable still terrify us. These days,
I spend a lot of time asking myself what I am so afraid of. And a
great deal of the time, it's impossible to answer that question,
because I'm boxing with shadows, with things that are long gone. And
so I can't see what's around me for what it is.
Anyway, that's a lot about me, and this is supposed to be about you,
but I don't know how else to explain it. I suspect that for both of
us, there is more help, more support, more ability to be open and
unafraid that we take advantage of, because something inside us just
fights that with all its strength.
Nina
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
20 Jun 2004 10:00:02 PM |
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On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 21:08:30 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 18:51:46 GMT, wombn <wombnhearmeroar@comcast.net>
wrote:
On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 13:04:14 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
the pressure is building and i'm scared.
i'm not sure what to do.
Do you have a therapist? a F2F support network? An emergency plan for
emotional safety?
hahaha. no.
hm. <scratches head>
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
.
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| User: "Kenster" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
21 Jun 2004 07:59:08 AM |
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On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 13:04:14 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org>
wrote:
i write here about stupid things. my dogs, mostly. poodlerific. luce
stories maybe enjoyable, maybe not. it's all meaningless.
i feel like there's a dam in the back of my head holding all that
stuff back. i am afraid that it's pushing and pushing and that tiny
crack will appear and i cannot afford the flash flood that would
follow.
it's been so long that i've been back in non-feeling survival mode.
work, play with dogs, play around online, sleep, don't think, don't
feel, don't write.
have a paper journal that i drag around with me that i only write in
maybe once a month, and stupid shallow things, always, because i know,
i *know* if i start, i won't be able to keep myself together.
the pressure is building and i'm scared.
i'm not sure what to do.
My pdoc and therapist recommended to me that I start writing more but
I absolutely hate to write by hand. I fond a private journaling
program and I have been afraid of all of the things that have come out
of me. I understand your fear completely. We're all here though if
that helps any.
Kenster
---
blogging for pit bull rescue
project-blog july 24, 2004.
http://shattering.org
.
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| User: "Jonathan M. \TacticalSniper\ Boyko" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
03 Jul 2004 07:05:59 AM |
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One day you will have to spill it all out, because the more you close it
inside, the larger will be the damage when it will some day get out. This
group is definitely a good source of support, and there are many other
groups online. However, you DO need someone in the real life before you do
it. Someone who could listen to all of your problems. After all, people
online are extremely helpful, but it is not all.
--
Sincerely,
Jonathan M. "TacticalSniper" Boyko
SWAT@GMX.Co.UK
ICQ: 105977101
+972-54-5951910
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| User: "Whateverafter" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
04 Jul 2004 11:10:15 AM |
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Actually, at one's worst, it is a very good thing to write.
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| User: "Whateverafter" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
04 Jul 2004 11:08:59 AM |
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Subject: Re: better not to think. better not to write.
From: "Jonathan M. \"TacticalSniper\" Boyko"
Date: 7/3/2004 6:05 AM Central America Standard Time
Message-id: <40e69322$1@news.bezeqint.net>
One day you will have to spill it all out, because the more you close it
inside, the larger will be the damage when it will some day get out. This
group is definitely a good source of support, and there are many other
groups online. However, you DO need someone in the real life before you do
it. Someone who could listen to all of your problems. After all, people
online are extremely helpful, but it is not all.
--
Sincerely,
Jonathan M. "TacticalSniper" Boyko
ICQ: 105977101
+972-54-5951910
Good advice!
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| User: "Flashfire" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
20 Jun 2004 08:59:34 PM |
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elegy wrote:
i write here about stupid things. my dogs, mostly. poodlerific. luce
stories maybe enjoyable, maybe not. it's all meaningless.
i feel like there's a dam in the back of my head holding all that
stuff back. i am afraid that it's pushing and pushing and that tiny
crack will appear and i cannot afford the flash flood that would
follow.
it's been so long that i've been back in non-feeling survival mode.
work, play with dogs, play around online, sleep, don't think, don't
feel, don't write.
have a paper journal that i drag around with me that i only write in
maybe once a month, and stupid shallow things, always, because i know,
i *know* if i start, i won't be able to keep myself together.
the pressure is building and i'm scared.
i'm not sure what to do.
I would say keep on writing, if its helping and I love to read your posts
about your pets and clients. What you write is not meaningless to me.
I found that writing was always my best way of releasing the fears, I
couldnt trust anyone to tell them what was in my head but by writing it and
reading it back to myself, it helps put things in perspective. Keep writing
elegy, people care.
--
Regards Lee
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of
enthusiasm. ~ Sir Winston Churchill
Posted Via Usenet.com Premium Usenet Newsgroup Services
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| User: "elegy" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
20 Jun 2004 09:50:48 PM |
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On Mon, 21 Jun 2004 11:59:34 +1000, "Flashfire"
<ramblinin@yahoo.com.au> wrote:
elegy wrote:
i write here about stupid things. my dogs, mostly. poodlerific. luce
stories maybe enjoyable, maybe not. it's all meaningless.
i feel like there's a dam in the back of my head holding all that
stuff back. i am afraid that it's pushing and pushing and that tiny
crack will appear and i cannot afford the flash flood that would
follow.
it's been so long that i've been back in non-feeling survival mode.
work, play with dogs, play around online, sleep, don't think, don't
feel, don't write.
have a paper journal that i drag around with me that i only write in
maybe once a month, and stupid shallow things, always, because i know,
i *know* if i start, i won't be able to keep myself together.
the pressure is building and i'm scared.
i'm not sure what to do.
I would say keep on writing, if its helping and I love to read your posts
about your pets and clients. What you write is not meaningless to me.
I found that writing was always my best way of releasing the fears, I
couldnt trust anyone to tell them what was in my head but by writing it and
reading it back to myself, it helps put things in perspective. Keep writing
elegy, people care.
thanks lee. sometimes it feels so shallow and trite though what i put
here. i want to say the things that matter, the things that ache, the
reasons i wake up crying, but i don't dare give them the power of
putting into words.
i feel like i'm inching closer to the edge with every breath. i don't
know.
---
blogging for pit bull rescue
project-blog july 24, 2004.
http://shattering.org
.
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| User: "Whiskers" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
22 Jun 2004 07:41:42 PM |
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On Sun, 20 Jun 2004 22:50:48 -0400, elegy <elegy@shattering.org> wrote:
snip
thanks lee. sometimes it feels so shallow and trite though what i put
here.
You write about Love, the real thing, and it clearly matters to you a
great deal. Nothing shallow or trite about it.
i want to say the things that matter, the things that ache, the
reasons i wake up crying, but i don't dare give them the power of
putting into words.
Perhaps those things are afraid that if you do put them into words, they
will lose some of their power over you.
i feel like i'm inching closer to the edge with every breath. i don't
know.
Better to open the sluices a little, than to wait until the pressure
breaks something. Get plenty of tissues, and start writing in that book.
Yes, the tears will come - they /need/ to. In my experience, it is worth
it though, and not as 'bad' as it looks from where you are right now.
Scary, but manageable.
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^
-- Whiskers
-- ~~~~~~~~~~
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| User: "Flashfire" |
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| Title: Re: better not to think. better not to write. |
21 Jun 2004 01:03:57 AM |
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elegy wrote:
thanks lee. sometimes it feels so shallow and trite though what i put
here. i want to say the things that matter, the things that ache, the
reasons i wake up crying, but i don't dare give them the power of
putting into words.
i feel like i'm inching closer to the edge with every breath. i don't
know.
I know what you are saying, a lot of what I write is not the real deep and
meaningful stuff, because I know it would expose me way to much. But what
you write is not shallow, its sharing your life, sharing your experiances
and it may not feel like the deep and meaningfuls but it gives me a bit of
insight to who you are and maybe sometime in the future that insight may the
key to helping you sort it all out. And that makes it matter. :)
((((((((((((elegy))))))))))
--
Regards Lee
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of
enthusiasm. ~ Sir Winston Churchill
Posted Via Usenet.com Premium Usenet Newsgroup Services
----------------------------------------------------------
** SPEED ** RETENTION ** COMPLETION ** ANONYMITY **
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http://www.newsfeed.com The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! >100,000 Newsgroups
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