it started out as a few pounds creeping back on, eating
more than I was used to, justifying it as pms time. Then
it went to a few bad days of really eating a lot. Now it's
been a couple of days of binging. I don't purge like I did
20 to 25 years ago and in fact haven't binged like this in
a long long time. How I forgot the self loathing,
worthless, ugly, trashy and wanting to die feelings that
come along with it. All the self messages of how fat I am,
now I've done this and don't deserve to even be alive.
I'll always be fat and ugly. And the few that reinforced
those messages, one even last year about this time....I am
a piece of ***** and this proves it and they are so lucky
they didn't want me. I'm just fat, fat, fat and ugly.

I just needed to get this out, I know it's fucked up
thinking and it's the illness talking. I really do know
that. It's just with the food in my stomach, knowing my
clothes are now going to be even tighter and so many other
thoughts, the only semi safe place to voice it is somewhere
like here.

I really need to get a grip and stop this.