what do you do about someone who has poor body image...and really isn't
good looking. how do you teach someone to love how they look when they
don't look good?
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
07 Mar 2005 06:26:31 PM |
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you know there are some villages in africa where they have no mirrors,
I guess you catch yourself in the stream from time to time, but its
just not something they think about. We should all be like that, if
you like someone they look good to you if you don't they don't, simple.
If you have a different response you are being manipulated by the
garbage in the media. jill
lavenlight@hotmail.com wrote:
what do you do about someone who has poor body image...and really
isn't
good looking. how do you teach someone to love how they look when
they
don't look good?
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 02:54:35 PM |
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Frankly, I rely more on other (decent) people's feedback about how I
look, rather than my own, knowing my own opinion can be very skewed and
overly critical.
janeohara50@msn.com wrote:
you know there are some villages in africa where they have no
mirrors,
I guess you catch yourself in the stream from time to time, but its
just not something they think about. We should all be like that,
if
you like someone they look good to you if you don't they don't,
simple.
If you have a different response you are being manipulated by the
garbage in the media. jill
lavenlight@hotmail.com wrote:
what do you do about someone who has poor body image...and really
isn't
good looking. how do you teach someone to love how they look when
they
don't look good?
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
09 Mar 2005 10:46:32 AM |
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<lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1110238171.959568.219620@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
what do you do about someone who has poor body image...and really isn't
good looking. how do you teach someone to love how they look when they
don't look good?
Tough question. No easy answer. You must consider the fact that you may
never be able to teach this someone to *love* how they look. At best you
may be able to teach them to *accept* how they look. This does not
constitute your failure. Acceptance is the result of loving who we are not
how we look. Place great emphasis on their inner strengths, talents, and
gifts, then encourage them to use them by getting involved in life outside
the home - whether it be volunteer work or athletics or scholastics. Guide
them towards understanding that we touch people's lives, we make a
difference, when we share of ourselves through the things we are good at.
And most importantly. Make them know that they are LOVED. A step beyond
that - that they deserve to be loved in spite of all and anything else about
them.
And perhaps you could tell them this. When one gives us a gift wrapped in
pretty paper and curly ribbons it is to be appreciated. Momentarily. In
the next instance - what do we do - we tear it off and discard it to get to
the real and true gift that awaits us inside the box. People are not much
different. We are so much more than our wrapping. Those who see and love
us for who we are - those who deserve to know us - will understand that.
Those who can't - don't matter anyway and are not the kind of people we want
in our lives to begin with.
rhianon@sympatico.ca
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| User: "Whiskers" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
10 Mar 2005 06:29:13 PM |
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On 2005-03-09, Rhiannon <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote:
<lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1110238171.959568.219620@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
snip
And perhaps you could tell them this. When one gives us a gift wrapped in
pretty paper and curly ribbons it is to be appreciated. Momentarily. In
the next instance - what do we do - we tear it off and discard it to get to
the real and true gift that awaits us inside the box. People are not much
different. We are so much more than our wrapping. Those who see and love
us for who we are - those who deserve to know us - will understand that.
Those who can't - don't matter anyway and are not the kind of people we want
in our lives to begin with.
That's what I think, too. Looks matter for no more than a few minutes, if
that - not all men are 'visually driven' at all, and in any case, what
looks attractive or interesting to one person might not to another.
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^
-- Whiskers
-- ~~~~~~~~~~
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
07 Mar 2005 06:05:04 PM |
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wrote:
what do you do about someone who has poor body image...and really isn't
good looking. how do you teach someone to love how they look when they
don't look good?
what influence do you have?
parents and children: it's not impossible to help
children and parents: ditto, but not as easy
women and women friends: seems like there's a lot of possibilities
men and men friends: often can bluntly state the basics
friends of the opposite sex: very tricky situation
--
but the edge is still Out there. Or maybe it's In... HST (1967)
when i got to the edge , i built a deck % (2005)
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
07 Mar 2005 05:56:08 PM |
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I don't think I would treat them any differently then I would anyone else.
They may just be very sensitive and tuned in to what others think and say.
One of the things my parents would always tell me when I was growing up, was
that people normally go about their own lives, and have their own problems
and worries, and don't normally pay that much attention to what the next
person looks like.
They could have a mild depression that could be contributing to some of
these feelings, and medication may be necessary later on.
I hope this is helpful.
David
<lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1110238171.959568.219620@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
what do you do about someone who has poor body image...and really isn't
good looking. how do you teach someone to love how they look when they
don't look good?
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
07 Mar 2005 10:55:58 PM |
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reply to everyone so far:
to be honest, the person is me. my dad thinks i need to go back into
counseling to deal with this issue. he thinks it's a perception issue.
i think not. i think i need to work on my physical attributes.
if it's perception, why won't guys even acknowledge my presence? my dad
says it must be something about my personality. gee thanks dad, why not
shoot down the one thing i've got.
basically, i don't think it's a perception thing. i want to work on my
physical attributes (safely...no surgery/starving) but i don't know
how. i wasn't always like this. i don't know what happened.
i DID get a physical illness. i dislike my body a lot because it
doesn't seem to like me much, either.
i wish i could say i was above societal dictations of beauty, or the
opinion of males, but i'm not.
(i apologize for the lack of caps...dell is coming to fix my keyboard
tomorrow.)
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| User: "Catybu" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
07 Mar 2005 11:25:26 PM |
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<lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1110257758.288534.120970@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
reply to everyone so far:
to be honest, the person is me. my dad thinks i need to go back into
counseling to deal with this issue. he thinks it's a perception issue.
i think not. i think i need to work on my physical attributes.
if it's perception, why won't guys even acknowledge my presence? my dad
says it must be something about my personality. gee thanks dad, why not
shoot down the one thing i've got.
basically, i don't think it's a perception thing. i want to work on my
physical attributes (safely...no surgery/starving) but i don't know
how. i wasn't always like this. i don't know what happened.
i DID get a physical illness. i dislike my body a lot because it
doesn't seem to like me much, either.
i wish i could say i was above societal dictations of beauty, or the
opinion of males, but i'm not.
(i apologize for the lack of caps...dell is coming to fix my keyboard
tomorrow.)
I remember once that I went to a nightclub with my friend and she mentioned
that I didn't look "approachable". I didn't know how to change that but
that could be your problem, too. Maybe that is what your Dad was trying to
say but it came out wrong....not that your personality is the problem but
the way you present yourself to others.
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
07 Mar 2005 11:38:03 PM |
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"Catybu" <catybu@verizon.net> wrote in message news:aHaXd.57796$uc.3970@trnddc03...
:
: <lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
: news:1110257758.288534.120970@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
: > reply to everyone so far:
: > to be honest, the person is me. my dad thinks i need to go back into
: > counseling to deal with this issue. he thinks it's a perception issue.
: > i think not. i think i need to work on my physical attributes.
: >
: > if it's perception, why won't guys even acknowledge my presence? my dad
: > says it must be something about my personality. gee thanks dad, why not
: > shoot down the one thing i've got.
: >
: > basically, i don't think it's a perception thing. i want to work on my
: > physical attributes (safely...no surgery/starving) but i don't know
: > how. i wasn't always like this. i don't know what happened.
: >
: > i DID get a physical illness. i dislike my body a lot because it
: > doesn't seem to like me much, either.
: >
: > i wish i could say i was above societal dictations of beauty, or the
: > opinion of males, but i'm not.
: >
: > (i apologize for the lack of caps...dell is coming to fix my keyboard
: > tomorrow.)
:
: I remember once that I went to a nightclub with my friend and she mentioned
: that I didn't look "approachable". I didn't know how to change that but
: that could be your problem, too. Maybe that is what your Dad was trying to
: say but it came out wrong....not that your personality is the problem but
: the way you present yourself to others.
:
:
or perhaps she could try a situation where how you appear on the optical ,
has , la la dee doo with how you look on the internal ,
that could like maybe work ... ja think ?
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| User: "Patricia" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 06:49:38 AM |
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On Tue, 08 Mar 2005 05:25:26 GMT, "Catybu" <catybu@verizon.net> wrote:
<lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1110257758.288534.120970@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
reply to everyone so far:
to be honest, the person is me. my dad thinks i need to go back into
counseling to deal with this issue. he thinks it's a perception issue.
i think not. i think i need to work on my physical attributes.
if it's perception, why won't guys even acknowledge my presence? my dad
says it must be something about my personality. gee thanks dad, why not
shoot down the one thing i've got.
basically, i don't think it's a perception thing. i want to work on my
physical attributes (safely...no surgery/starving) but i don't know
how. i wasn't always like this. i don't know what happened.
i DID get a physical illness. i dislike my body a lot because it
doesn't seem to like me much, either.
i wish i could say i was above societal dictations of beauty, or the
opinion of males, but i'm not.
(i apologize for the lack of caps...dell is coming to fix my keyboard
tomorrow.)
I remember once that I went to a nightclub with my friend and she mentioned
that I didn't look "approachable". I didn't know how to change that but
that could be your problem, too. Maybe that is what your Dad was trying to
say but it came out wrong....not that your personality is the problem but
the way you present yourself to others.
<nodding here>
Back in the days when I was acutely shy {I am only minimally shy now}
I used to come across as snobby and unapproachable. This was because
{looking back} I either slouched {embarrassed about being tall back
then} or sat with a serious expession and no smile. In neither case
did I meet people's eyes-- even people who talked to me.
Patricia
"Eat less; move more."
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| User: "Janithor" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 01:04:35 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
Catybu wrote:
<lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1110257758.288534.120970@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
reply to everyone so far:
to be honest, the person is me. my dad thinks i need to go back into
counseling to deal with this issue. he thinks it's a perception issue.
i think not. i think i need to work on my physical attributes.
if it's perception, why won't guys even acknowledge my presence? my dad
says it must be something about my personality. gee thanks dad, why not
shoot down the one thing i've got.
basically, i don't think it's a perception thing. i want to work on my
physical attributes (safely...no surgery/starving) but i don't know
how. i wasn't always like this. i don't know what happened.
i DID get a physical illness. i dislike my body a lot because it
doesn't seem to like me much, either.
i wish i could say i was above societal dictations of beauty, or the
opinion of males, but i'm not.
(i apologize for the lack of caps...dell is coming to fix my keyboard
tomorrow.)
I remember once that I went to a nightclub with my friend and she mentioned
that I didn't look "approachable". I didn't know how to change that but
that could be your problem, too. Maybe that is what your Dad was trying to
say but it came out wrong....not that your personality is the problem but
the way you present yourself to others.
I think all these variables come into play, and interact with each
other. All my life people have told me I need to smile more. But I
read of research that showed that physically unattractive males who
smile are judged to be WEAKER than when they don't smile! That was just
one study as far as I know, but it shows that there is a lot that goes
on in human interaction, esp. emotional interaction. There are many
interacting variables.
We can't control our basic bone structure and many aspects of our raw
physical looks. I think some aspects of personality are lot more
engrained biologically than we realize: introversion v. extroversion, etc...
I think all this needs to be placed in a bigger context though. What
exactly is lavenlight looking for? If she's looking for Mr. Right, Mr.
Perfect Male to come sweep her off feet (just supposing, I don't have
any basis to assume that), and thinks she needs to be a 10 to accomplish
this, and if this doesn't happen, her life will be misery, well then I'd
say looks isn't her bigger problem. In other words, a person's raw
physical appearance (bone structure, skin, hair type, age), is one part
of a much bigger equation. Looks alone guarantees nothing. It can open
doors to certain things, and it certainly helps in a general sense. But
it's not the end all/be all to having a fulfilling life.
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 01:22:38 AM |
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hmmm...what am i looking for?
my goal is for my clothes to fit. that i don't spend over a year
finding a pair of khakis that fit. (and it's not like i'm huge. i just
can't find clothes that fit me!) i'm not looking for a perfect guy. i'm
just looking for...a guy! someone to approach me at parties. i will
admit some of the "lack of approachability" on my part is due to the
fact that i do not drink nor do i sleep around, which makes guys less
likely to want to interact with me at mixers. but i guess that's not
the type of guy i want anyway.
i want to be able to go to a store and not be embarassed by having to
change and even just my ankles showing under the dressing room door.
i don't want to be afraid to run into my old friends' parents when i'm
at home on breaks. i want them to run into me and tell their kids "wow,
so and so is still gorgeous." but i'm not.
i want to be an athlete again. i used to be able to run. i recognize
that my physical illness (currently in remission) is to blame for that,
but it's hard to get started exercizing again when everyone at the gym
looks...great. and i collapse after 2 mins on the elliptical.
i just want to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about
myself.
Janithor wrote:
x-no-archive: yes
Catybu wrote:
<lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1110257758.288534.120970@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
reply to everyone so far:
to be honest, the person is me. my dad thinks i need to go back
into
counseling to deal with this issue. he thinks it's a perception
issue.
i think not. i think i need to work on my physical attributes.
if it's perception, why won't guys even acknowledge my presence? my
dad
says it must be something about my personality. gee thanks dad, why
not
shoot down the one thing i've got.
basically, i don't think it's a perception thing. i want to work on
my
physical attributes (safely...no surgery/starving) but i don't know
how. i wasn't always like this. i don't know what happened.
i DID get a physical illness. i dislike my body a lot because it
doesn't seem to like me much, either.
i wish i could say i was above societal dictations of beauty, or
the
opinion of males, but i'm not.
(i apologize for the lack of caps...dell is coming to fix my
keyboard
tomorrow.)
I remember once that I went to a nightclub with my friend and she
mentioned
that I didn't look "approachable". I didn't know how to change
that but
that could be your problem, too. Maybe that is what your Dad was
trying to
say but it came out wrong....not that your personality is the
problem but
the way you present yourself to others.
I think all these variables come into play, and interact with each
other. All my life people have told me I need to smile more. But I
read of research that showed that physically unattractive males who
smile are judged to be WEAKER than when they don't smile! That was
just
one study as far as I know, but it shows that there is a lot that
goes
on in human interaction, esp. emotional interaction. There are many
interacting variables.
We can't control our basic bone structure and many aspects of our raw
physical looks. I think some aspects of personality are lot more
engrained biologically than we realize: introversion v. extroversion,
etc...
I think all this needs to be placed in a bigger context though. What
exactly is lavenlight looking for? If she's looking for Mr. Right,
Mr.
Perfect Male to come sweep her off feet (just supposing, I don't have
any basis to assume that), and thinks she needs to be a 10 to
accomplish
this, and if this doesn't happen, her life will be misery, well then
I'd
say looks isn't her bigger problem. In other words, a person's raw
physical appearance (bone structure, skin, hair type, age), is one
part
of a much bigger equation. Looks alone guarantees nothing. It can
open
doors to certain things, and it certainly helps in a general sense.
But
it's not the end all/be all to having a fulfilling life.
.
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 04:32:00 AM |
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I was very self conscious at parties so I can relate to how you feel. Mostly
I just sat around with nobody to talk to, later though I found out that most
people felt the same way. I felt more comfortable joining a church that has
activities for college-aged students.
You could wear clothes that are slightly larger and a little baggy, this
would make your weight not so noticeable, or maybe do some layering.
I found that as I got older, I wasn't so concerned about my body image,
which I had a terrible time with as I was growing up. Partly because I'm now
on medication for my illness and I just stopped comparing myself to others.
You may not be ready for mr right if you have these many concerns. Maybe a
close friend or even a penpal could help with the lonliness. I'm sure that
there's someone for everyone, when you're ready.
I would trust what your father says, counseling could be of real help and
could give you some tools that would help you to cope with the negative
feelings. From what I can tell in your posts, you seem very normal and have
concerns that a lot of people have.
I hope this is helpful, feel free to stick around if you'd like.
David
<lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1110266558.945277.230610@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
hmmm...what am i looking for?
my goal is for my clothes to fit. that i don't spend over a year
finding a pair of khakis that fit. (and it's not like i'm huge. i just
can't find clothes that fit me!) i'm not looking for a perfect guy. i'm
just looking for...a guy! someone to approach me at parties. i will
admit some of the "lack of approachability" on my part is due to the
fact that i do not drink nor do i sleep around, which makes guys less
likely to want to interact with me at mixers. but i guess that's not
the type of guy i want anyway.
i want to be able to go to a store and not be embarassed by having to
change and even just my ankles showing under the dressing room door.
i don't want to be afraid to run into my old friends' parents when i'm
at home on breaks. i want them to run into me and tell their kids "wow,
so and so is still gorgeous." but i'm not.
i want to be an athlete again. i used to be able to run. i recognize
that my physical illness (currently in remission) is to blame for that,
but it's hard to get started exercizing again when everyone at the gym
looks...great. and i collapse after 2 mins on the elliptical.
i just want to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about
myself.
Janithor wrote:
x-no-archive: yes
Catybu wrote:
<lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1110257758.288534.120970@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
reply to everyone so far:
to be honest, the person is me. my dad thinks i need to go back
into
counseling to deal with this issue. he thinks it's a perception
issue.
i think not. i think i need to work on my physical attributes.
if it's perception, why won't guys even acknowledge my presence? my
dad
says it must be something about my personality. gee thanks dad, why
not
shoot down the one thing i've got.
basically, i don't think it's a perception thing. i want to work on
my
physical attributes (safely...no surgery/starving) but i don't know
how. i wasn't always like this. i don't know what happened.
i DID get a physical illness. i dislike my body a lot because it
doesn't seem to like me much, either.
i wish i could say i was above societal dictations of beauty, or
the
opinion of males, but i'm not.
(i apologize for the lack of caps...dell is coming to fix my
keyboard
tomorrow.)
I remember once that I went to a nightclub with my friend and she
mentioned
that I didn't look "approachable". I didn't know how to change
that but
that could be your problem, too. Maybe that is what your Dad was
trying to
say but it came out wrong....not that your personality is the
problem but
the way you present yourself to others.
I think all these variables come into play, and interact with each
other. All my life people have told me I need to smile more. But I
read of research that showed that physically unattractive males who
smile are judged to be WEAKER than when they don't smile! That was
just
one study as far as I know, but it shows that there is a lot that
goes
on in human interaction, esp. emotional interaction. There are many
interacting variables.
We can't control our basic bone structure and many aspects of our raw
physical looks. I think some aspects of personality are lot more
engrained biologically than we realize: introversion v. extroversion,
etc...
I think all this needs to be placed in a bigger context though. What
exactly is lavenlight looking for? If she's looking for Mr. Right,
Mr.
Perfect Male to come sweep her off feet (just supposing, I don't have
any basis to assume that), and thinks she needs to be a 10 to
accomplish
this, and if this doesn't happen, her life will be misery, well then
I'd
say looks isn't her bigger problem. In other words, a person's raw
physical appearance (bone structure, skin, hair type, age), is one
part
of a much bigger equation. Looks alone guarantees nothing. It can
open
doors to certain things, and it certainly helps in a general sense.
But
it's not the end all/be all to having a fulfilling life.
.
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| User: "Janithor" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 03:01:00 AM |
|
|
x-no-archive: yes
lavenlight@hotmail.com wrote:
hmmm...what am i looking for?
my goal is for my clothes to fit. that i don't spend over a year
finding a pair of khakis that fit. (and it's not like i'm huge. i just
can't find clothes that fit me!) i'm not looking for a perfect guy. i'm
just looking for...a guy! someone to approach me at parties. i will
admit some of the "lack of approachability" on my part is due to the
fact that i do not drink nor do i sleep around, which makes guys less
likely to want to interact with me at mixers. but i guess that's not
the type of guy i want anyway.
i want to be able to go to a store and not be embarassed by having to
change and even just my ankles showing under the dressing room door.
i don't want to be afraid to run into my old friends' parents when i'm
at home on breaks. i want them to run into me and tell their kids "wow,
so and so is still gorgeous." but i'm not.
i want to be an athlete again. i used to be able to run. i recognize
that my physical illness (currently in remission) is to blame for that,
but it's hard to get started exercizing again when everyone at the gym
looks...great. and i collapse after 2 mins on the elliptical.
i just want to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about
myself.
Hm...more than one thing going on here. Hope I don't sound like Cliff
Clavin, it's just that this topic obviously interests me.
I'm wondering how old you are, age makes a difference in how you
experience things. This was a defining issue for me in my teens and
20's, now it's just a background issue. It's there, but I have other
thigns in my life to worry about now.
I can't speak to the female experience, esp. on this issue.
Nevertheless, if you're really looking for just "a guy", I can't see why
this would be a problem. Maybe not as easy as you'd like, but there are
over 6,000,000,000 people on the planet. I find it very hard to believe
that there are many people out there who can't get *a* date or a
boyfriend/girlfriend.
If weight is a big issue, you can lose weight. It's hard as hell, but
it can be done. I don't know about the nature of your physical illness,
sounds like that is a limiting factor. Still, if you didn't take in any
calories at all, you would lose weight. So it's not an empirical
impossibility, even if it's very difficult, esp. to maintain. If you
don't like the gym, there are other ways to exercise. Or go at off-peak
hours, or try the Y, or any different environment.
Your mental framework does impact on how you interact with others,
that's certainly true too. When I'm in a bad mood, I know I project it
very loudly, even though I'm not fully aware of it.
I don't feel good about myself looking in the mirror, so I just don't
look at myself in the mirror all that much. :-) And it might be the
case that you might also have some perception problems as well. That's
not mutually exclusive with the other stuff. It doesn't have be either/or.
Just my opinion, but bottom line, I think you need to be honest to
yourself about yourself in a global sense - not just in evaluating how
physically attractive you are, but what it is you truly are looking for.
I've seen women who gripe and scream because they can't get Tom
Cruise, and men who gripe and scream because they can't get Pam
Anderson. But they couch their gripes in universal statements: ALL
men/women hate them. When in reality, they're griping because they
can't have as close to perfection as they think they deserve. I knew an
overweight guy who hadn't even held hands with a woman until the age of
37. And he was near suicidal partly because he thought he would only be
able to attract a fat woman. I mean, what about fat women, what are
they supposed to do? Kill themselves too? While he waited all those
years holding out for the perfect woman, lots of other guys like him
were going on dates & getting married.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 04:43:55 AM |
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Ok so...let's see...I'm 20. I'm not overweight, but I'm used to being
at the lower side of normal weight, so being at the upper side of
normal is weird. I also lack muscle, it seems.
I have not had a single male seriously be nice to me in 3 years. I'm
not looking for a perfect guy. I honestly just want to be noticed
again. I am in a sorority and I do not lack social skills. I don't know
what's up. I feel like there's a sign on my head that says "damaged
goods" or something.
I took the mirror out of my room today.
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 09:45:38 AM |
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I used to wish that there was a baseball cap or t-shirt that said I'm
available on it :). Am glad you're taking some steps to help yourself, and,
have a sense of humor.
<lavenlight@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1110278635.122126.297970@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
Ok so...let's see...I'm 20. I'm not overweight, but I'm used to being
at the lower side of normal weight, so being at the upper side of
normal is weird. I also lack muscle, it seems.
I have not had a single male seriously be nice to me in 3 years. I'm
not looking for a perfect guy. I honestly just want to be noticed
again. I am in a sorority and I do not lack social skills. I don't know
what's up. I feel like there's a sign on my head that says "damaged
goods" or something.
I took the mirror out of my room today.
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 07:18:21 AM |
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On 8 Mar 2005 02:43:55 -0800, wrote:
Ok so...let's see...I'm 20. I'm not overweight, but I'm used to being
at the lower side of normal weight, so being at the upper side of
normal is weird. I also lack muscle, it seems.
I have not had a single male seriously be nice to me in 3 years. I'm
not looking for a perfect guy. I honestly just want to be noticed
again. I am in a sorority and I do not lack social skills. I don't know
what's up. I feel like there's a sign on my head that says "damaged
goods" or something.
I took the mirror out of my room today.
I don't think that any of this will help all that much, but here's a
shot.
I'm a lot older than you and a lot fatter than you, but you sound a
lot like me at your age. And the other thing is that I spent most of
my childhood with my parents telling me that I was unattractive, and I
still can work up a real thing about this pretty damn easily.
But, you know, a lot of this really is in how you think about it, and
a lot of finding men is stopping looking for them.
You need to do things that make you happy, that make you feel joy,
that are about taking care of you, and to hell with everyone else in
the world. And the rest of the world will come to you. There are
things that you can do to make yourself feel better and more
attractive... get to the gym, sure, and who cares if you collapse
after 2 minutes? Do it anyway; it's for you, not for how you appear
to other people. And that's the key... if you can genuinely do these
things because doing them makes you feel better, not with some
expectation of another result, the other things seem to appear.
I know that it's not so easy to cultivate this as an attitude; it's
not an instant thing. But it's a long way down the path you want to
travel.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 09:14:55 AM |
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On Tue, 08 Mar 2005 08:18:21 -0500, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
But, you know, a lot of this really is in how you think about it, and
a lot of finding men is stopping looking for them.
You need to do things that make you happy, that make you feel joy,
that are about taking care of you, and to hell with everyone else in
the world. And the rest of the world will come to you. There are
things that you can do to make yourself feel better and more
attractive... get to the gym, sure, and who cares if you collapse
after 2 minutes? Do it anyway; it's for you, not for how you appear
to other people. And that's the key... if you can genuinely do these
things because doing them makes you feel better, not with some
expectation of another result, the other things seem to appear.
I know that it's not so easy to cultivate this as an attitude; it's
not an instant thing. But it's a long way down the path you want to
travel.
Nina said it so much better than I ever could or have. This has been
exactly my experience. I never got a "boyfriend" until I stopped
needing one. I needed to be happy in myself first (note, I didn't
write "happy *with* myself...that's a good thing, too, but it's not
what I'm saying, here). Once I reached that point, I basically didn't
have all that much invested in if I had a "boyfriend" or not; I was
secure enough and happy enough on my own...and that's when they
started appearing on my doorstep (quite literally, in one case).
Apparently, I'd grown an air of confidence that was attractive; my
face and body language no longer read "stay away." It was a sea
change.
p
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| User: "shadi" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
01 Apr 2005 09:40:06 AM |
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Hello friend
My name is Shadi. I am a female from Iran. I like to have a new friend
in other country. I will send my picture for you too. If you like to
have please send a mail for me and say some about yourself for me. My
mail address is: (Shadi.ameri AT gmail.com). (Replace AT with @).
Good luck
Shadi
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| User: "Janithor" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
07 Mar 2005 05:53:29 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
lavenlight@hotmail.com wrote:
what do you do about someone who has poor body image...and really isn't
good looking. how do you teach someone to love how they look when they
don't look good?
I can only speak from my experience. The following is just my opinion,
for what it's worth, and all that.
Don't lie to them is a good start. Trying to tell someone that they are
good looking when they're not won't work. Reality has a way of crashing
it's way through, and you'll set them up for a big hard fall. I think
it's also a lie to tell them that looks don't matter at all. Clearly
looks do matter, and it's not a cultural thing, it's a biological thing.
Another that doesn't work if not handled properly is the comparison
game. Yes, you can find counter-examples of not very good looking
people who get good looking boyfriends/girlfriends. But that's another
attempt to deny the reality that these are exceptions, that some things
are in fact more difficult for physically unattractive people.
Be honest. You don't have to be mean, or focus on the negative, but you
have to be honest if you're going to help someone deal with the real
world, the world as it really is, not the world as we wish it to be.
I think the best thing you can do is to put things into a broader
perspective. Yes, looks count, and being not very good looking can be
pretty sucky. But, the important point is that it doesn't preclude
having a fulfilling life. Each person needs to come to terms with who
they are as a person, and find what works for them within that context.
If someone is really depressed and despondant about this issue, that
last paragraph is going to be a tough sell. It's not a change that
happens overnight, it takes time and persistence to accept certain
realities and find a niche in life that works for you.
Also, one very critical thing: if this person is angry, they need to
lose the anger. Yesterday. Anger is poison, anger is death. A certain
amount of anger is understandable and natural, but they can't let it
rule them. They have to move PAST the anger. Don't deny it, don't say
it's not legitimate. Yeah, it's normal be angry at shitty things. But
the question is not one of moral legitimacy, it's one of practical
value. Staying angry will only push people away like a piece of poop in
a swimming pool. You've got to find a way to confront the anger, deal
with it, then move beyond it and let it go.
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| User: "DaKitty" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
07 Mar 2005 10:48:08 PM |
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"Janithor" <Janithor@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:422CE978.3090407@comcast.net...
x-no-archive: yes
lavenlight@hotmail.com wrote:
what do you do about someone who has poor body image...and really isn't
good looking. how do you teach someone to love how they look when they
don't look good?
I can only speak from my experience. The following is just my opinion,
for what it's worth, and all that.
But Thor, I've seen you, you're a nice looking guy who just has himself
convinced he's not good looking.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 09:48:39 AM |
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nobody is saying how thats just your opinion. what is "good looking"
anyway?? A very subjective thing, C'com people this isn't about bone
structure and good skin. This is about relationship to self on an
emotional level that is manifesting in the feeling"I don't like my
body".
I think all girls go through a phase where they are kind of hyper
aware of there physical self, its a normal part of growing up I think.
I agree with nina, get busy doing things that make you happy, live
from the inside out, not the outside in. good luck, jill
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 06:20:36 PM |
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I think what gets me is that I *have* been doing things that make me
happy. I have been content not being "noticed" for several years now. I
am in several leadership positions, participate in activities I like,
have a great social life (albeit predominately female) and have a
strong internship.
I've waited a long time now. I really just want to look better. My
sisters can't figure out why guys don't talk to me, besides the
drinking issue.
This sucks.
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| User: "Janithor" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 12:54:41 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
DaKitty wrote:
"Janithor" <Janithor@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:422CE978.3090407@comcast.net...
x-no-archive: yes
lavenlight@hotmail.com wrote:
what do you do about someone who has poor body image...and really isn't
good looking. how do you teach someone to love how they look when they
don't look good?
I can only speak from my experience. The following is just my opinion,
for what it's worth, and all that.
But Thor, I've seen you, you're a nice looking guy who just has himself
convinced he's not good looking.
Well, even if that's the case, I still recommend the same basic
approach. I had to deal with a situation that looked as I described: no
girlfriends, very little social power, severe isolation, etc...and I had
to learn how to deal with this. My life at a minimum mirrored that of
someone who wasn't exactly one of the Baldwin brothers, and still does
in many ways.
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 02:53:02 PM |
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Janithor wrote:
x-no-archive: yes
DaKitty wrote:
"Janithor" <Janithor@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:422CE978.3090407@comcast.net...
x-no-archive: yes
lavenlight@hotmail.com wrote:
what do you do about someone who has poor body image...and
really isn't
good looking. how do you teach someone to love how they look
when they
don't look good?
I can only speak from my experience. The following is just my
opinion,
for what it's worth, and all that.
But Thor, I've seen you, you're a nice looking guy who just has
himself
convinced he's not good looking.
Well, even if that's the case, I still recommend the same basic
approach. I had to deal with a situation that looked as I described:
no
girlfriends, very little social power, severe isolation, etc...and I
had
to learn how to deal with this. My life at a minimum mirrored that
of
someone who wasn't exactly one of the Baldwin brothers, and still
does
in many ways.
One doesn't have to look like baldwin Brothers to be attractive.
Baldwin Brothers are the extreme side of the range.
Ithink a lot of people think they're a lot less attractive then they
really are... I tend to fall into that thought pattern myself, and when
I do, I just hinder my own progress.
As soon as I oput in the effort to change my attitude, a nimber of
things in my life change for the better.
.
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 03:14:40 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
conniek...@yahoo.com wrote:
Ithink a lot of people think they're a lot less attractive then they
really are... I tend to fall into that thought pattern myself, and
when
I do, I just hinder my own progress.
As soon as I oput in the effort to change my attitude, a nimber of
things in my life change for the better.
I'd been teased so much growing up that I just took the "fact" that I
wasn't good looking as gospel. A few years ago, when I looked back at
my old yearbook photos, what really jumped out at me was "Wait! What
were those folks on about?! I looked FINE!"
I hate all the garbage I unthinkingly bought into as a kid. *sigh*
p,
who looks fine, thank you
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
07 Mar 2005 06:05:50 PM |
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On Mon, 07 Mar 2005 23:53:29 GMT, Janithor <Janithor@comcast.net>
wrote:
like a piece of poop in
a swimming pool.
:-)
You're going to be one of those plain-speaking, crotchety old men with
colorful phrases, aren't ya?
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
.
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| User: "bunny" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 01:45:23 PM |
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"wombn" <wombnhearmeroar@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:j1rp215jj2qntlrro58daqfslvsea709je@4ax.com...
On Mon, 07 Mar 2005 23:53:29 GMT, Janithor <Janithor@comcast.net>
wrote:
like a piece of poop in
a swimming pool.
:-)
You're going to be one of those plain-speaking, crotchety old men with
colorful phrases, aren't ya?
He'll keep all those pesky neighbour kids off of your lawn!
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
08 Mar 2005 02:41:00 PM |
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On Tue, 8 Mar 2005 11:45:23 -0800, "bunny"
<bunnynospam@nospam.blarg.net> wrote:
"wombn" <wombnhearmeroar@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:j1rp215jj2qntlrro58daqfslvsea709je@4ax.com...
On Mon, 07 Mar 2005 23:53:29 GMT, Janithor <Janithor@comcast.net>
wrote:
like a piece of poop in
a swimming pool.
:-)
You're going to be one of those plain-speaking, crotchety old men with
colorful phrases, aren't ya?
He'll keep all those pesky neighbour kids off of your lawn!
hee!
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
.
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| User: "Whiskers" |
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| Title: Re: body image |
10 Mar 2005 06:15:14 PM |
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On 2005-03-08, wombn <wombnhearmeroar@comcast.net> wrote:
On Mon, 07 Mar 2005 23:53:29 GMT, Janithor <Janithor@comcast.net>
wrote:
like a piece of poop in
a swimming pool.
:-)
You're going to be one of those plain-speaking, crotchety old men with
colorful phrases, aren't ya?
Ah, but he's /your/ crotchety old man :))
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^
-- Whiskers
-- ~~~~~~~~~~
.
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