Irritable Male Syndrome
by Jed Diamond
Rodale Books; (September 29, 2004) ISBN: 1579547982
From the best-selling author of Male Menopause comes another
life-transforming book for men-and the women who love them-on overcoming the
mood and behavior changes caused by fluctuating male hormones
It turns out that it's not only women who suffer from hormone related
irritability. Depression, anger, fatigue, moodiness, anxiety, lethargy, low
libido, and confusion are just some of the symptoms of a recently identified
condition that affects men.
IMS (Irritable Male Syndrome) is in some ways similar to male menopause, but
it can affect men of all ages. What often triggers IMS is acute or chronic
stress. Focusing on two crucial times of life when male hormones are
shifting rapidly-adolescence/young adulthood and midlife-Jed Diamond reports
on the latest research from international experts on men's health and
hormones; describes in detail the symptoms of IMS; explains how the volatile
mood swings of the syndrome can wreak havoc with a man's closest
relationships and provides advice on preventing, diagnosing, and treating
IMS.
Just as when he began researching his landmark book on male menopause, Jed
Diamond is at the forefront of this controversial subject. He offers readers
the most comprehensive, insightful coverage of IMS-and the practical wisdom
he imparts will help millions.
Jed Diamond, a licensed psychotherapist for 38 years and director of the
health program MenAlive, is the author of seven books, including the
international bestseller Male Menopause. He is on the board of advisors of
the Men's Health Network and also serves on the international scientific
board of the World Congress on Men's Health. He lives in Willits,
California.
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Excerpt
The following is an excerpt from the book The Irritable Male Syndrome:
Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression
by Jed Diamond
Published by Rodale; September 2004; $22.95US/$32.95CAN; 1-57954-798-2
Copyright © 2004 Jed Diamond
A Multidimensional Problem in Life
IMS is a multidimensional problem that affects, and is affected by,
hormonal, physical, psychological, emotional, interpersonal, economic,
social, sexual, and spiritual changes. One of the reasons it is so difficult
to understand and deal with is its complexity. In our 21st-century world of
high technology and specialization, we tend to see every problem in
either-or terms. It's either physical or psychological; biological or
social; personal or interpersonal. The result is that we go to one
specialist to treat our hearts, a different one to take care of our psyches,
and still a third to deal with physical pain. No one deals with the whole
person, much less the person in the context of his family, community, and
social environment. We are learning about the very nature of life, how our
genes lay the foundation for who and what we are. But we seem to be losing
the larger picture of what it means to be a healthy human being.
Who do we go to see about the increasing stress in our lives? Where do we
learn about andropause (male menopause) and the changes in men as we age?
How do we find out about the hormonal tides that affect males at all ages?
What do we do when our problems are larger than can be understood by looking
at our own lives? We are social beings and can't be understood apart from
our mates, our children, our parents, our friends, our communities, the
world we live in, and our view of the spiritual world beyond.
What is IMS?
In trying to describe something that is new, it is difficult to come up with
a short, accurate, and useful definition. In some sense, this whole book is
my attempt to define what I mean by the Irritable Male Syndrome. What
follows is my current definition. I expect it will change through time as we
gather more information and conduct further research.
Irritable Male Syndrome: A state of hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration,
and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes,
hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity.
Let me share with you what went into this particular definition. Working
with males who are experiencing IMS (and those who live with them), I have
found there are four core symptoms that underlie many others.
The first is hypersensitivity. The women who live with these men say things
like:
"I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I'm around him."
"I never know when I'm going to say something that will set him off."
"He's like a time bomb ready to explode, but I never know when he'll go
off."
"Nothing I do pleases him."
"When I try to do nice things, he pushes me away."
"He'll change in an eye-blink. One minute, he's warm and friendly. The next,
he's cold and mean."
The men don't often recognize their own hypersensitivity. Rather, their
perception is that they are fine but everyone else is going out of their way
to be irritating. The guys say things like:
"Quit bothering me."
"You know I don't like that. Why do you keep doing it?"
"Leave me alone."
"No, nothing's wrong. I'm fine. Quit asking me questions."
"The kids always ____." Fill in the blank: It's always negative.
"The kids never ____." Fill in the blank with any one of the "right" things.
"Why don't you ever ____?" Fill in the blank: "want sex," "do what I want to
do," "do something with your life," "think before you open your mouth," "do
things the right way."
"You damn ___." Fill in the blank: "fool," "nag," "*****." As IMS
progresses, the words get more hurtful.
Or they don't say anything. They increasingly withdraw into a numbing
silence.
One concept I have found helpful is the notion that many of us are
"emotionally sunburned," but those around us don't know it. Think of a man
who is extremely sunburned and gets a loving hug from his partner. He cries
out in anger and pain. He assumes that she knows he's sunburned and that
since she's "grabbed" him she must be trying to hurt him. She has no idea he
is sunburned and can't understand why he reacts angrily to her loving touch.
You can see how this can lead a couple down a road of escalating confusion.
The second core IMS emotion is anxiety.
Anxiety is a state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the
anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threat. As you will see as you
delve more deeply into the book, IMS men live in constant worry and fear.
There are many real threats that they deal with in their lives: job
insecurities, sexual changes, relationship problems. There are also many
uncertainties that lead men to ruminate and fantasize about future problems.
These kinds of worries usually take the form of what-ifs: What if I lose my
job? What if I can't find a job? What if she leaves me? What if I can't find
someone to love me? What if I have to go to war? What if something happens
to my wife or children? What if my parents die? What if I get sick and can't
take care of things? The list goes on and on.
The third core emotion is frustration.
Princeton University's WordNet offers two definitions that can help us
understand this aspect of IMS.
1. The feeling that accompanies an experience of being thwarted in attaining
your goals. Synonym is defeat.
2. A feeling of annoyance at being hindered or criticized.
WordNet also offers an enlightening example to illustrate the use of the
word: "Her constant complaints were the main source of his frustration."
IMS men feel blocked in attaining what they want and need in life. They
often don't even know what they need. When they do know, they often feel
there's no way they can get it. They feel defeated in the things they try to
do to improve their lives. The men feel frustrated in their relationships
with family and friends and on the job. The world is changing, and they
don't know where, how, or if they fit in.
Author Susan Faludi captures this frustration in her book Stiffed: The
Betrayal of the American Man. It's expressed in the question that is at the
center of her study of American males: "If, as men are so often told, they
are the dominant sex, why do so many of them feel dominated, done in by the
world?" This feeling, often hidden and unrecognized, is a key element of
IMS.
The fourth core emotion is anger.
Anger can be simply defined as a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.
Yet it is a complex emotion. Outwardly expressed, it can lead to aggression
and violence. When it is turned inward, it can lead to depression and
suicide. Anger can be direct and obvious, or it can be subtle and covert.
Anger can be loud or quiet. It can be expressed as hateful words or hurtful
actions, or in stony silence.
For many men, anger is the only emotion they have learned to express.
Growing up male, we are taught to avoid anything that is seen as the least
bit feminine. We are taught that men "do" while women "feel." As a result,
men are taught to keep all emotions under wrap. We cannot show we are hurt,
afraid, worried, or panicked. The only feeling that is sometimes allowed men
is anger. When men begin going through IMS, anger is often their primary
emotion.
Whereas anger, frustration, and anxiety can occur quickly and end quickly,
the first IMS emotion, hypersensitivity, can last a long period of time and
can trigger the other three feelings over and over again. It can have a
major impact on men's whole lives. "When we're in a mood, it biases and
restricts how we think," says Paul Ekman, Ph.D., a psychology professor and
the director of the Human Interaction Laboratory at the University of
California, San Francisco, School of Medicine.
In describing this kind of negative mood, Dr. Ekman, one of the world's
experts on emotional expression, continues: "It makes us vulnerable in ways
that we are normally not. So the negative moods create a lot of problems for
us, because they change how we think. If I wake up in an irritable mood, I'm
looking for a chance to be angry. Things that ordinarily would not frustrate
me, do. The danger of a mood is not only that it biases thinking but that it
increases emotions. When I'm in an irritable mood, my anger comes stronger
and faster, lasts longer, and is harder to control than usual. It's a
terrible state . . . one I would be glad never to have."
*endnotes have been omitted
Reprinted from: The Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing the 4 Key Causes of
Depression and Aggression by Jed Diamond © 2004 by Jed Diamond. Permission
granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold
or directly from the publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit their
website at www.rodalestore.com.
For more information, please visit www.menalive.com or
www.writtenvoices.com.
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