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On Fri, 14 Sep 2007 08:54:26 -0700, "%" <persent@gmail.com> wrote:
does any of it really matter
From LA Times Op Ed page
Joel Stein
September 14, 2007
Thank you Jive Records, MTV, Clear Channel and members of Congress for
the opportunity to present my assessment of Britney Spears' career.
Which, according to nearly every objective metric, is going
completely, totally awesome.
Sure, progress made over the last few months has been uneven -- the
number of Star magazine "not normal" incidents is still disturbingly
high -- but we are hitting most of our major benchmarks. To wit, not
only has there not been one single divorce this year, there also
haven't been any marriages, significantly curtailing the assessed
threat of divorce.
In recent months, despite brutal summer heat, we have achieved
progress in the underwear-wearing arena. Shoe wearing in public
bathrooms is up 38%, while T-shirt messages with the phrase "baby
daddy" are down 46%. Hair regrowth objectives are being met, and
recent advances in wig and hair extension technology have proved
surprisingly effective. Conducting sensitive negotiations directly in
the field, we have been increasingly able to get Ms. Spears to wear
just the blond wig instead of switching between the black and blond
ones, which has provided a force-multiplier effect on public
credibility.
While Ms. Spears' weight is not yet at pre-Federline levels, we think
we will be able to achieve minimum BMI by next spring. We have gained
the initiative on Ms. Spears' McDonald's consumption by wresting
fast-food eating sanctuaries -- most notably the automatic windows
lock on her SUV -- from her control. I'd also like to direct you to
this chart, showing the 99 billion served meals not consumed by Ms.
Spears.
As shown by this other chart, public approval of Ms. Spears is up
roughly 1 trillion percent over this time last year, though to
properly explain the methodology would require one of those nerdy
laser-pointer thingies Al Gore uses, so you'll just have to trust me.
The recent performance at the MTV Video Music Awards vastly exceeded
initial projections of awesomeness. Not only did the few dancing moves
she executed get her heart rate up to 145 -- prime fat-burning range
-- but Ms. Spears did not fall or cry. Though the time lapse between
recorded music and lip sync was off by an average of 2.5 seconds, this
was a vast improvement over the House of Blues tour, where the average
was actually forever, because she didn't know the words to her new
song. Though she still hasn't memorized the lyrics -- which, for the
record, are "gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme" -- she now mouths
other words in its place, some of which clearly do involve giving her
things.
Tabloid magazine covers are down 22% in six of the last eight weeks,
the lowest level since the New Year's Eve party collapse, thanks
largely to our Brangelina rumors propaganda. Other successes include
disruption of sex-tape distribution, containment of make-out sessions
with female friends to above-the-neck contact, and the quick
resolution of the incident in which Ms. Spears attacked a
photographer's SUV with an umbrella, thanks to our well-executed giant
fan maneuver creating a "Mary Poppins effect" that the mainstream
media has under-covered. To put this all in perspective, if Ms. Spears
were a movie, and that movie was "The Bourne Ultimatum," then Ms.
Spears would have grossed $210 million.
Improvement of Ms. Spears' parenting skills has been substantial, as
evidenced by the fact that 100% of her children are alive. Neither has
been dangled over a railing or placed near a crocodile. One has
already been weaned off soda and is now eating solid candy bars.
Secondhand smoke is 88% tar-reduced, exactly on target.
We have launched a series of offensive operations, many involving
Paris Hilton, aimed at neutralizing senior-level suitors, including
Stavros Niarchos, Travis Barker, Brandon Davis, Wilmer Valderrama, Zsa
Zsa Gabor's husband, three backup dancers and, in a particularly
dangerous maneuver in Las Vegas in which Ms. Spears sustained limited
tongue damage, a naked Italian man who turned out to be an ice
sculpture.
In describing the recommendations I have made, I should note again
that I believe Ms. Spears' problems will require a long-term effort,
like 40 to 45 years. I suggest we continue doing the same exact thing
we have been doing thus far: skimpy outfits, gyrations, mindless
techno music with lyrics implying extreme horniness. By the time Ms.
Spears is 65 or 70, this strategy should work perfectly.
The important thing to remember is that to secure our national
interests, we need Britney Spears. If Al Qaeda knew it had the power
to destroy our former teen pop stars, it would feel empowered to mess
with Zac Efron's Facebook profile, or expose the real identity of
Hannah Montana.
Democracy depends on our resolve.
jstein@latimescolumnists.com
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