In the mean time, a fat ***** in a white coat told me I just have a
'bad attitude', not depression.
I could write a novel on THAT encounter alone. Insulting, humiliating
and degrading. and the result is that after 20 years of suffering with
depression, I'm officially not depressed now.
It took me this long just to get someone to listen to me.

I'm unemployed. Have been for a year now.
I went on leave from my job due to stress. When they realized I was
just another worthless malingerer, I was fired for "job abandonment"
which also meant no coverage under EI. No benefits.

In the mean time, a fat ***** in a white coat told me I just have a
'bad attitude', not depression.
I could write a novel on THAT encounter alone. Insulting, humiliating
and degrading. and the result is that after 20 years of suffering with
depression, I'm officially not depressed now.
It took me this long just to get someone to listen to me.

WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO?????????????????????????

Do 'normal' people feel this miserable all the ******** time? Are they
afraid to go outside? Are they afraid to deal with people? Do they
often burst into tears for no apparent reason? Do they spend entire
days in bed because they just can't think of a single reason to get up?
Does their inner dialogue make them want to put a bullet in their own
heads???

I feel like I was given a perfectly good life and all I can do is
sabotage it.

I need to find a job but the only thing available to me is piddle and
crap min wage checkout girl *****. I'm 37 years old. I have post grad
education and I am completely incapable of doing anything with it. It
is so ********** hard to even try to apply for work when you know how
miserable you're going to be doing it.
But I do it. Because I need it.
Not like it matters though. I never get a call back.

Then I think of all the people out there who work for themselves.
There ARE people who have jobs that they do from home. Things that
they started themselves. Things that make them happy.
I would take anything right now just to have an income. but the
thought of getting stuck in that kind of brain dead job makes me
suicidal.
Yet I have no clue what else to do.

I don't qualify for any help apparently. It's like every time I go to
the mental health people they do the same thing. 1 hour of standard
crap questions, an assurance that they'll be in touch another month or
two to wait for an actual appointment where they blah blah blah and
then tell me they'll see me in another month.

The last thing anyone did as far as meds was to up the dose of effexor
I was on. I've been on it for years and it evened out the mood for a
while but it didn't really stop the low level depression. I'm the
first to admit that I need a combination of therapy but finding someone
who actually wants to help me is the challenge. It's all gov. funded
crap that is the equivilant of covering a violent amputation with a
bandaid.
I was getting ill from the side effects of the uber dose I was on and I
had no one helping or even talking to me... so I dumped the meds. I
went off them. I still have the ulcer they gave me but the rest of it
is gone.

My current alternatives are go back to the idiots at mental health
services and get jerked around AGAIN, or do nothing.

I see things on tv about people with illnesses being helped by teams of
doctors and research being done to improve the lives of the sick and
crippled. They have people roaming the back woods of africa looking
for children with deformities so they can whisk them all expenses paid
to the states and give them new faces... but a middle aged blob like me
can't even get a little advice.

I don't think I'm anything special, believe me. but I never thought I
would ever be in this much pain and this much trouble and have
absolutely NO WHERE to turn and NO ONE to help.

The end result is do it or don't.. just like it's always been.
Get a job, or starve. No one cares which.. just do it and shut up.
And I will eventually. It won't last long. but I'll do my best or
what I think is my best. I'll either end up losing the job or quit
because I can't stand it any more.

I used to work in corporate offices. I used to have a real job. A
couple of them in fact. Contract work. I used to have a brain and a
clue about what to do but it's been so ******** long since I've worked
in my field I don't even know if I have any skills left.

one more thing to feel bad about.

I know I'm supposed to be working on positive ideation but it's more
than a little difficult when it feels like your entire life is going
down the drain.

sorry

ezzy