| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Used2be" |
| Date: |
18 Apr 2005 04:52:17 PM |
| Object: |
do you have RL friends who.... |
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
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| User: "Catybu" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 12:02:05 AM |
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"Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:l_V8e.15382$AE6.1415@tornado.texas.rr.com...
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
I have RL friends who just say that they feel the same way or worse....sort
of like % (KIDDING). When it comes to a serious cry for help, they are a
big help but the in between stuff pretty much gets ignored now.
--
"What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind.
Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is."
(Dan Quayle)
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 03:07:28 PM |
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"Catybu" <catybu_2005@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:hh09e.68105$B12.14194@trnddc09...
"Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:l_V8e.15382$AE6.1415@tornado.texas.rr.com...
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
I have RL friends who just say that they feel the same way or
worse....sort of like % (KIDDING). When it comes to a serious cry for
help, they are a big help but the in between stuff pretty much gets
ignored now.
those are good friends to have tho, catybu. even if they ignore the in
between stuff, at least they are taking the bigger stuff seriously. i'm
glad you have that.
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 10:05:18 PM |
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Excuse me? Did you just interrupt my complaint for some silly,
meaningless reason?
Seriously, I'd have to say that these people don't qualify as friends.
They are parasites who are feeding off your life, to make up for the
deficits in theirs. They don't sound like people you'd really want to
have around you.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:l_V8e.15382$AE6.1415@tornado.texas.rr.com...
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 10:37:57 AM |
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Thier are people like that,people who just take.
What people do and what they intend can also be different things.
People can intend to be good to you. To have a simbiotic relationship
and fail miserably. We should judge others on what they intend not
what they actually do. Life can get so complicated. If only people
were good or bad, black and white it would be sooooomuch easier!
jill
hope you are well Nom
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 03:37:28 PM |
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"Nom dePlume" <nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:c14c9$4265c720$43643cf3$24012@msgid.meganewsservers.com...
Excuse me? Did you just interrupt my complaint for some silly,
meaningless reason?
:-D
Seriously, I'd have to say that these people don't qualify as friends.
They are parasites who are feeding off your life, to make up for the
deficits in theirs. They don't sound like people you'd really want to
have around you.
i know you are right, but she has been my friend for so long, i can't give
her up. :(
on a more positive note, i keep hoping things will change. :)
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| User: "Ezzy" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 12:14:27 AM |
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No IRL friends.
So no.
Ezzy
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 10:42:14 AM |
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hang in there ,,,,,,,,, this to shall pass ,,,,,The times they are a
changin!
it won't always be this way right! signed another friendless person,
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| User: "Patience" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 11:24:40 AM |
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Hey Jane,
You are no longer friendless, as you may now call me your friend, if
you like.
Anyone else also this group, even if they are feeling nasty, full of
anger, frustrated, and/or spiteful can also do the same, should it
please them.
As I have significantly more the the average person's share of
problems, much of my time and energy is spent trying to save myself.
Such is my primary responsibility, for I cannot help others if I have
lost the strength to do so. With what time and energy remains (and
hopefully I will have more of both in the future), and given that I
still have an internet connection, I will do my best to be a good
friend. That I promise.
Patience
P.S. I just thought of something. "Promise". This would be a nice
usenet handle.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 03:47:05 PM |
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Patience wrote:
Hey Jane,
You are no longer friendless, as you may now call me your friend, if
you like.
Anyone else also this group, even if they are feeling nasty, full of
anger, frustrated, and/or spiteful can also do the same, should it
please them.
that's a very caring,generous offer to make...
-"Alvintchase"
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 05:08:16 PM |
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Thats very sweet, thanks, its jill, jane is my O so clever
alias,,,,,,,,
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 04:16:37 AM |
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On Mon, 18 Apr 2005 21:52:17 GMT, "Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
hm. I don't go to anyone anymore except Thor. Not for real emotional
support, anyway. ***** sessions, yeah, but that's not the same thing.
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 03:08:09 PM |
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"wombn" <wombnhearmeroar@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:j2j961l78j2s41jtcuv9slkch1ru658i74@4ax.com...
On Mon, 18 Apr 2005 21:52:17 GMT, "Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
hm. I don't go to anyone anymore except Thor. Not for real emotional
support, anyway. ***** sessions, yeah, but that's not the same thing.
my hubby is supportive of me as much as he can be. but being as he is a man
and not very emotional, he can only help so much. :)
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 01:40:16 PM |
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wombn wrote...
On Mon, 18 Apr 2005 21:52:17 GMT, "Used2be"
<used2be@nowhere.com> wrote:
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every
whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
hm. I don't go to anyone anymore except Thor. Not for
real emotional support, anyway. ***** sessions, yeah, but
that's not the same thing.
you're very lucky to have thor. not all husbands are able to be
that supportive.
-lisa
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 01:53:09 PM |
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On 19 Apr 2005 18:40:16 GMT, "lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote:
wombn wrote...
On Mon, 18 Apr 2005 21:52:17 GMT, "Used2be"
<used2be@nowhere.com> wrote:
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every
whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
hm. I don't go to anyone anymore except Thor. Not for
real emotional support, anyway. ***** sessions, yeah, but
that's not the same thing.
you're very lucky to have thor. not all husbands are able to be
that supportive.
Yes, I am lucky indeed!
--
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If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
18 Apr 2005 05:19:04 PM |
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On Mon, 18 Apr 2005 21:52:17 GMT, "Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
Do you really ask them point blank? The reason why I ask is that
while I have some friends... well, relatives, actually... who are just
like that, expect me to listen to everything but are not there for me
etc., I've also realized that I'm seriously part of the problem.
See, I ask for help (here as well as in real life) by going *squeak*,
and I think that everyone else understands that I mean ROAR. It's so
hard for me to ask that it's tentative and quiet, and then I feel
lonely and lost and resentful that no one sees what's going on with
me. But it's not all their fault. I just don't (yet) know how to do
it differently.
<ignore completely if not applicable!>
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
18 Apr 2005 07:51:51 PM |
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"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote in message
news:kdc8615pu8djavuo1pepe7p8cngd08dk48@4ax.com...
On Mon, 18 Apr 2005 21:52:17 GMT, "Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
Do you really ask them point blank? The reason why I ask is that
while I have some friends... well, relatives, actually... who are just
like that, expect me to listen to everything but are not there for me
etc., I've also realized that I'm seriously part of the problem.
i can't ask her (my best friend) point blank. i don't want to hurt her or
make her angry at me. :(
See, I ask for help (here as well as in real life) by going *squeak*,
and I think that everyone else understands that I mean ROAR. It's so
hard for me to ask that it's tentative and quiet, and then I feel
lonely and lost and resentful that no one sees what's going on with
me. But it's not all their fault. I just don't (yet) know how to do
it differently.
oh, i see what you are saying. yes, i am very much like that too. i don't
feel worthy of people's help, so i don't really ask for it. and i don't
complain much. but sometimes when it's really bad, i DO ask for help. and
i figured sending an email talking about how badly i was struggling today
with urges to cut would be an obvious cry for help!! or for support. or
just SOMETHING! maybe i'm wrong, though. maybe to her it's just another
day in the life of cindy and she doesn't feel any need to do anything for me
at all. it just hurts because i work so hard at being a good friend to her
and at not being demanding at all, and yet all i feel lately from her is
that i'm completely unimportant.
thanks nina.
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
18 Apr 2005 07:59:13 PM |
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On Tue, 19 Apr 2005 00:51:51 GMT, "Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote in message
news:kdc8615pu8djavuo1pepe7p8cngd08dk48@4ax.com...
On Mon, 18 Apr 2005 21:52:17 GMT, "Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
*completely* ignore your cries and pleas for help??
yet they expect you to be there to listen to their every whine?
~u2b *sick to death of being ignored*
Do you really ask them point blank? The reason why I ask is that
while I have some friends... well, relatives, actually... who are just
like that, expect me to listen to everything but are not there for me
etc., I've also realized that I'm seriously part of the problem.
i can't ask her (my best friend) point blank. i don't want to hurt her or
make her angry at me. :(
But if she's your best friend, would she be hurt or angry? I mean, it
sort of depends on how you ask, but... ("I really need help" is in
general loads better than "Why the hell can't you see that I need
help." :-) )
See, I ask for help (here as well as in real life) by going *squeak*,
and I think that everyone else understands that I mean ROAR. It's so
hard for me to ask that it's tentative and quiet, and then I feel
lonely and lost and resentful that no one sees what's going on with
me. But it's not all their fault. I just don't (yet) know how to do
it differently.
oh, i see what you are saying. yes, i am very much like that too. i don't
feel worthy of people's help, so i don't really ask for it. and i don't
complain much. but sometimes when it's really bad, i DO ask for help. and
i figured sending an email talking about how badly i was struggling today
with urges to cut would be an obvious cry for help!! or for support. or
just SOMETHING! maybe i'm wrong, though. maybe to her it's just another
day in the life of cindy and she doesn't feel any need to do anything for me
at all. it just hurts because i work so hard at being a good friend to her
and at not being demanding at all, and yet all i feel lately from her is
that i'm completely unimportant.
You know, I think that sometimes people just don't know what to say.
I have a very good friend... my best friend most of my life, and we
kind of lost touch mostly because of me, and now we're kind of trying
to reestablish things. And I write to her sometimes things just like
what you say, and she writes back pretty much nothing related. I used
to (and still do, some of the time) get really hurt and *****.
But I think that the fact of the matter is that she just has no clue
at all what to say, so she says nothing. It's not that I'm
unimportant to her... I think, anyway... she just doesn't really have
a clue.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 02:32:03 PM |
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"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote
But if she's your best friend, would she be hurt or angry? I mean, it
sort of depends on how you ask, but... ("I really need help" is in
general loads better than "Why the hell can't you see that I need
help." :-) )
LOL!! that is EXACTLY what i would like to say!!!!
seriously though, that is what i'm thinking inside. why CAN'T she see it???
she used to!
:-(
You know, I think that sometimes people just don't know what to say.
I have a very good friend... my best friend most of my life, and we
kind of lost touch mostly because of me, and now we're kind of trying
to reestablish things. And I write to her sometimes things just like
what you say, and she writes back pretty much nothing related. I used
to (and still do, some of the time) get really hurt and *****.
But I think that the fact of the matter is that she just has no clue
at all what to say, so she says nothing. It's not that I'm
unimportant to her... I think, anyway... she just doesn't really have
a clue.
maybe that's it nina. because it's just exactly the same way as you and
your friend. i write things from my heart and pour out my pain, and she
doesn't even bother to reply. she just begins a completely new email
talking about her day, and she totally ignores anything i said. sometimes i
think i could write her and say, "i am going to kill myself at 8 pm tonight"
and she would write back a new email saying, "all my favorite shows are on
tonight so i've got a fun night planned!" she wouldn't even acknowledge
what i said. to be honest, i don't think she'd ignore a cry for help THAT
obvious, but the lack of support feels the same. but you are probably
right. she probably just doesn't have a clue.
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 07:04:32 AM |
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On Tue, 19 Apr 2005 19:32:03 GMT, "Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote
But if she's your best friend, would she be hurt or angry? I mean, it
sort of depends on how you ask, but... ("I really need help" is in
general loads better than "Why the hell can't you see that I need
help." :-) )
LOL!! that is EXACTLY what i would like to say!!!!
seriously though, that is what i'm thinking inside. why CAN'T she see it???
she used to!
:-(
You know, I think that sometimes people just don't know what to say.
I have a very good friend... my best friend most of my life, and we
kind of lost touch mostly because of me, and now we're kind of trying
to reestablish things. And I write to her sometimes things just like
what you say, and she writes back pretty much nothing related. I used
to (and still do, some of the time) get really hurt and *****.
But I think that the fact of the matter is that she just has no clue
at all what to say, so she says nothing. It's not that I'm
unimportant to her... I think, anyway... she just doesn't really have
a clue.
maybe that's it nina. because it's just exactly the same way as you and
your friend. i write things from my heart and pour out my pain, and she
doesn't even bother to reply. she just begins a completely new email
talking about her day, and she totally ignores anything i said. sometimes i
think i could write her and say, "i am going to kill myself at 8 pm tonight"
and she would write back a new email saying, "all my favorite shows are on
tonight so i've got a fun night planned!" she wouldn't even acknowledge
what i said. to be honest, i don't think she'd ignore a cry for help THAT
obvious, but the lack of support feels the same. but you are probably
right. she probably just doesn't have a clue.
My friend who is like your friend has a 7 year old child who has some
serious problems, a weird disease that I can't remember the name of,
very rare, plus a sort of autism variant, and she's having huge
problems because the school system in the small town that she lives in
have done everything they can to be uncooperative and difficult about
providing the resources for him that are necessary while at the same
time insisting that he be in school. She is constantly frustrated and
upset about it, and it's really a problem.
And she writes me about it... all the time... and you know, I just
have no idea what to say. I can relate to this, a little, but she
doesn't want my advice about it... I haven't much anyway. And so I
say stupid things, so sorry, wish your weren't going through this,
etc. And after a while, I just feel dumb. I am sympathetic as hell
and worried about the situation and her, but I just don't know what to
say. So some of the time, I just don't say anything at all. I just
talk about what's going on here.
The only good thing about this is that it's given me a little
appreciation for the flip side of this story, being on the other end
when you'd really like to help but just haven't a clue how.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 02:59:39 PM |
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"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote
My friend who is like your friend has a 7 year old child who has some
serious problems, a weird disease that I can't remember the name of,
very rare, plus a sort of autism variant, and she's having huge
problems because the school system in the small town that she lives in
have done everything they can to be uncooperative and difficult about
providing the resources for him that are necessary while at the same
time insisting that he be in school. She is constantly frustrated and
upset about it, and it's really a problem.
And she writes me about it... all the time... and you know, I just
have no idea what to say. I can relate to this, a little, but she
doesn't want my advice about it... I haven't much anyway. And so I
say stupid things, so sorry, wish your weren't going through this,
etc. And after a while, I just feel dumb. I am sympathetic as hell
and worried about the situation and her, but I just don't know what to
say. So some of the time, I just don't say anything at all. I just
talk about what's going on here.
The only good thing about this is that it's given me a little
appreciation for the flip side of this story, being on the other end
when you'd really like to help but just haven't a clue how.
thanks for this different perspective, nina! perhaps i've been all wrong
about her reasons for "ignoring" me these days.
~u2b
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 03:12:48 PM |
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On Wed, 20 Apr 2005 19:59:39 GMT, "Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote
My friend who is like your friend has a 7 year old child who has some
serious problems, a weird disease that I can't remember the name of,
very rare, plus a sort of autism variant, and she's having huge
problems because the school system in the small town that she lives in
have done everything they can to be uncooperative and difficult about
providing the resources for him that are necessary while at the same
time insisting that he be in school. She is constantly frustrated and
upset about it, and it's really a problem.
And she writes me about it... all the time... and you know, I just
have no idea what to say. I can relate to this, a little, but she
doesn't want my advice about it... I haven't much anyway. And so I
say stupid things, so sorry, wish your weren't going through this,
etc. And after a while, I just feel dumb. I am sympathetic as hell
and worried about the situation and her, but I just don't know what to
say. So some of the time, I just don't say anything at all. I just
talk about what's going on here.
The only good thing about this is that it's given me a little
appreciation for the flip side of this story, being on the other end
when you'd really like to help but just haven't a clue how.
thanks for this different perspective, nina! perhaps i've been all wrong
about her reasons for "ignoring" me these days.
Well, on the other hand, you could be right, and she could just be a
self-centered *****. :-) I'm getting a little more inclined to ask
these days, although a tad more tactfully....
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 03:51:48 PM |
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"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote
Well, on the other hand, you could be right, and she could just be a
self-centered *****. :-) I'm getting a little more inclined to ask
these days, although a tad more tactfully....
:-D
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 09:46:42 AM |
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On Wed, 20 Apr 2005 08:04:32 -0400, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
My friend who is like your friend has a 7 year old child who has some
serious problems, a weird disease that I can't remember the name of,
very rare, plus a sort of autism variant, and she's having huge
problems because the school system in the small town that she lives in
have done everything they can to be uncooperative and difficult about
providing the resources for him that are necessary while at the same
time insisting that he be in school. She is constantly frustrated and
upset about it, and it's really a problem.
And she writes me about it... all the time... and you know, I just
have no idea what to say. I can relate to this, a little, but she
doesn't want my advice about it... I haven't much anyway. And so I
say stupid things, so sorry, wish your weren't going through this,
etc. And after a while, I just feel dumb. I am sympathetic as hell
and worried about the situation and her, but I just don't know what to
say. So some of the time, I just don't say anything at all. I just
talk about what's going on here.
The only good thing about this is that it's given me a little
appreciation for the flip side of this story, being on the other end
when you'd really like to help but just haven't a clue how.
Even good friends (such as you) can be worn down that way, over time.
There's really not a lot to say back to such a person, after a while,
if the situation isn't changing; even if I really like someone, I
might steer clear of them sometimes because I don't know what to say.
I think the OP might want to at least consider if she hasn't put her
friend in that situation. But I'm not sure if that's what you were
suggesting here. You're almost too tactful. ;)
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in the headers
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 02:36:05 PM |
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On Wed, 20 Apr 2005 07:46:42 -0700, ponette <ponette0000@yahoo.com>
wrote:
Even good friends (such as you) can be worn down that way, over time.
There's really not a lot to say back to such a person, after a while,
if the situation isn't changing; even if I really like someone, I
might steer clear of them sometimes because I don't know what to say.
I think the OP might want to at least consider if she hasn't put her
friend in that situation. But I'm not sure if that's what you were
suggesting here. You're almost too tactful. ;)
I don't know... in this case, it's not so much tact as not really
knowing what the answer is. I don't want my friend to back off and
not tell me these things... I care and I'm interested... but it's
just hard to know what to say. And I used to get SO frustrated with
the reverse of this, even though I don't say a lot about what's going
on with me; I couldn't understand why a lot of the time she just
didn't say anything in reply. I was really mystified by it. I
finally figured out that a lot of the time, it's not that you don't
care; it's that you haven't a clue what to say.
Sometimes I think that this is part of a bigger problem... in this
society, we're just not very comfortable with things like grief and
despair and depression. If people can't fix it, they sort of don't
want to hear about it, because it makes them feel inadequate, because
they can't help. So there's this huge pressure on the
grieving/depressed/whatever person to be ok, and there's this huge
pressure on the friend to fix/help/whatever, and it places all these
burdens, when we should be able to just say, I care about you, and I'm
so sorry that you feel this way. Can I help? Most of the time, the
answer is no... but it's nice to be asked.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 10:25:49 AM |
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On Tue, 19 Apr 2005 00:51:51 GMT, "Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
i figured sending an email talking about how badly i was struggling today
with urges to cut would be an obvious cry for help!! or for support.
Interrupting for a second here...I caught this the first time, but
didn't say anything. I thought someone else might, though.
I think it's totally unfair to expect support for some issues, si
especially, from a friend -- with the exception, maybe, of where you
have established a relationship in which both people have the same
issues and support one another. If you want support from si, I think
you should be talking to a therp or pdoc. That's too serious of an
issue to expect a friend provide you support on (especially if it's a
normie friend, something you haven't said one way or another, at least
that I saw).
So..I think you may be asking too much of your friendship with this
woman. If she "whines" to you, then you might consider "whining" back
only to the same degree of seriousness. It may help if you just watch
the dynamics of the relationship for a while.
I do have "friends" who always want to talk and not listen, so I'm
certainly with ya there.
best wishes.
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in the headers
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 02:56:50 PM |
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"ponette" <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote
Interrupting for a second here...I caught this the first time, but
didn't say anything. I thought someone else might, though.
I think it's totally unfair to expect support for some issues, si
especially, from a friend -- with the exception, maybe, of where you
have established a relationship in which both people have the same
issues and support one another.
why? why is it unfair to expect support from my best friend and soul mate
of 20 years? she knows all my si history. it's nothing new to her. i
can't imagine why i shouldn't let her know when i'm struggling terribly with
those urges.
If you want support from si, I think
you should be talking to a therp or pdoc. That's too serious of an
issue to expect a friend provide you support on (especially if it's a
normie friend, something you haven't said one way or another, at least
that I saw).
she is a "normie" friend but i disagree with you on this subject. yes, a
therp is one to give you ideas for how to stop the si, but a best friend is
one to go to when you feel terrible urges and need a little encouragement.
sometimes that's all it takes to kill those urges.
So..I think you may be asking too much of your friendship with this
woman. If she "whines" to you, then you might consider "whining" back
only to the same degree of seriousness. It may help if you just watch
the dynamics of the relationship for a while.
we've been friends for so long and been through so much together that i know
i'm not asking too much of her. it's not like i bring it up daily, weekly
or even monthly. perhaps once or twice a year i will struggle with these
urges and need a little support from her. i don't think that's alot to ask
but maybe i'm wrong.
oh well, maybe i do expect too much.
*sigh*
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 03:54:02 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
"Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote:
but i disagree with you on this subject. yes, a
therp is one to give you ideas for how to stop the si, but a
best friend is one to go to when you feel terrible urges and
need a little encouragement.
And I'll continue to disagree with that, but that's ok, 'k? What's really important
here is how your friend thinks about it.
oh well, maybe i do expect too much.
*sigh*
I think you might -- in that one area, especially -- but that's just me.
For whatever it's worth, I lost my best friend for a few years, at one point,
when she got tired of listening to me talking about and (what she heard as)
whining or complaining about certain repetitive issues. I'd thought I was just
talking about what was going on in my life, but she didn't see it that way.
So...she just point blank said she couldn't be there for me anymore and that
was that. It felt almost like losing a partner, in some ways, because we'd
been so close.
It took me a long time to come to terms with that. I was quite hurt. I'd listened
to her, I reasoned...what was the problem?
The problem was, looking back, that the relationship wasn't balanced. For a
little too long before her breaking point, I'd borrowed her ear to a degree
and level of seriousness (too much serious stuff and not enough fun, and too
frequently and too repetively), while she'd shared with me to a lesser and
usually less serious degree. She felt I was draining her.
I don't like what she did, but I understand it, now. This was all many years
ago now, and she's a close friend again. I keep an eye on the dynamics and
consciously work to listen as much or more than I talk to her...and I keep
an eye out re how much time I spend on serious issues and make sure to spend
time with her, too, just having fun. I watch her reactions to determine when
I may have said too much (which doesn't happen much, anymore). The relationship
now feels more reciprocal...if anything, the balance has tipped a little in
her favor. This seems to work okay for both of us.
OTOH, I have a "friend" at work who rarely inquires about me and doesn't listen
well when she does. But she doe love to talk and gives me very detailed reports
of her life. If that's the kind of "doesn't listen to me" you're referring
to, that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish. (And it sounds like, from your interchange
with Thor, that she might just be One of Those. If so, ignore everything I
wrote until I reach "OTOH." ;) )
p
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 04:26:30 PM |
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"ponette" <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote
And I'll continue to disagree with that, but that's ok, 'k?
okay, dahling.
oh well, maybe i do expect too much.
*sigh*
I think you might -- in that one area, especially -- but that's just me.
nah, you are right.
For whatever it's worth, I lost my best friend for a few years, at one
point,
when she got tired of listening to me talking about and (what she heard
as)
whining or complaining about certain repetitive issues. I'd thought I was
just
talking about what was going on in my life, but she didn't see it that
way.
So...she just point blank said she couldn't be there for me anymore and
that
was that. It felt almost like losing a partner, in some ways, because we'd
been so close.
i'm sure it did feel that way. it would hurt me that much if my best friend
told me that.
It took me a long time to come to terms with that. I was quite hurt. I'd
listened
to her, I reasoned...what was the problem?
yes, exactly!
The problem was, looking back, that the relationship wasn't balanced. For
a
little too long before her breaking point, I'd borrowed her ear to a
degree
and level of seriousness (too much serious stuff and not enough fun, and
too
frequently and too repetively), while she'd shared with me to a lesser and
usually less serious degree. She felt I was draining her.
yes. maybe that is what i'm feeling as well. that my friend is draining
me. she's all about me listening to her stuff for sure. we do still have
fun together, but she does about 90% of the talking even then. i've always
been the "listener" in the relationship. even when i'm in the deepest of
pits, i am still the primary listener. always have been. i don't talk alot
about my stuff because i don't want to run her off. so that's why it hurts
even more to be ignored. because i don't discuss it much to begin with!
I don't like what she did, but I understand it, now. This was all many
years
ago now, and she's a close friend again. I keep an eye on the dynamics and
consciously work to listen as much or more than I talk to her...and I keep
an eye out re how much time I spend on serious issues and make sure to
spend
time with her, too, just having fun.
maybe i should change my expectations to just having fun with her and
nothing else.
I watch her reactions to determine when
I may have said too much (which doesn't happen much, anymore). The
relationship
now feels more reciprocal...if anything, the balance has tipped a little
in
her favor. This seems to work okay for both of us.
i'm glad for you then, ponette. glad you guys found a balance that works.
OTOH, I have a "friend" at work who rarely inquires about me and doesn't
listen
well when she does. But she doe love to talk and gives me very detailed
reports
of her life. If that's the kind of "doesn't listen to me" you're referring
to, that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish. (And it sounds like, from your
interchange
with Thor, that she might just be One of Those. If so, ignore everything I
wrote until I reach "OTOH." ;) )
yes, that is it EXACTLY!!!! and it didn't use to be this way as much as it
is now. and that is what is causing me the most pain. the fact she
doesn't listen at all yet expects so much "listening" from me!!
oh well.
thanks for your thoughts!
~u2b
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
19 Apr 2005 04:52:45 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
"Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote:
maybe that is what i'm feeling as well. that my friend is
draining me.
she's all about me listening to her stuff for sure.
I think you missed what I was trying to suggest, here, but then OTOH I really
wonder: Was she always like this in your relationship? (Then it's probably
just part and parcel of who she is...and you'll have to decide whether or not
to tolerate it.)
or, like my friend did, has she become this way over time?
we do still have fun together, but she does about 90% of the
talking even then. i've always been the "listener" in the
relationship. even when i'm in the deepest of pits, i am still
the primary listener. always have been. i don't talk alot
about my stuff because i don't want to run her off.
This is why I asked the latter question. Could it be she doesn't listen and
doesn't inquire because she is avoiding the content of what you might say?
Maybe she doesn't want to hear about your issues anymore, especially if she
can't preceive things changing, and she's grown to expect that that's what
you'll want to talk about. At one point in the past, she may have felt that
you were draining her, so she no longer invites it.
Or not.
so that's why it hurts
even more to be ignored. because i don't discuss it much to
begin with!
If that's the case, you may have trained her not to listen...she's grown too
used to the status quo and doesn't have her "listening ears" on anymore.
Or not.
This is all conjecture. I don't know much about you and I don't know your friend
at all. Hope I'm not making you mad by trying to look at what you're writing
from a different angle. I've spent a lot of time thinking about these kinds
of things, that's all.
p
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: do you have RL friends who.... |
20 Apr 2005 03:28:56 PM |
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"ponette" <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote
I think you missed what I was trying to suggest, here, but then OTOH I
really
wonder: Was she always like this in your relationship? (Then it's probably
just part and parcel of who she is...and you'll have to decide whether or
not
to tolerate it.)
or, like my friend did, has she become this way over time?
i think that is more likely...that she has become this way over time. she
definitely didn't use to expect so much listening from me and so little from
herself.
we do still have fun together, but she does about 90% of the
talking even then. i've always been the "listener" in the
relationship. even when i'm in the deepest of pits, i am still
the primary listener. always have been. i don't talk alot
about my stuff because i don't want to run her off.
This is why I asked the latter question. Could it be she doesn't listen
and
doesn't inquire because she is avoiding the content of what you might say?
i'm not sure...
Maybe she doesn't want to hear about your issues anymore, especially if
she
can't preceive things changing,
maybe you are right. so i ask myself, why do i still listen to hers??? i
certainly don't perceive *her* issues changing. yet i'm still here
listening.
and she's grown to expect that that's what
you'll want to talk about.
i don't really think she expects me to talk much at all. she only expects
me to listen. like i said before, i'm not one to really talk alot. i'm
private with most of my issues. so i guess that is what hurts me most is
that i don't really ask alot of her...so why can't she give me the little
bit i do need? and most of my whining is done via email anyway, and not on
the phone. mostly on the phone, she talks and i listen.
At one point in the past, she may have felt that
you were draining her, so she no longer invites it.
i don't know. thinking this way sure hurts. especially if you knew how
"there" i am for her and how little i ask of her.
so that's why it hurts
even more to be ignored. because i don't discuss it much to
begin with!
If that's the case, you may have trained her not to listen...she's grown
too
used to the status quo and doesn't have her "listening ears" on anymore.
you may be exactly right about this. i have thought of this before but not
lately. you could very well be right.
This is all conjecture. I don't know much about you and I don't know your
friend
at all. Hope I'm not making you mad by trying to look at what you're
writing
from a different angle. I've spent a lot of time thinking about these
kinds
of things, that's all.
no, you don't make me mad. i'm pretty thick skinned. :)
thanks for your perspective,
u2b
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