| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Nina" |
| Date: |
16 Feb 2005 05:42:19 PM |
| Object: |
don't look down |
I feel these days like I'm in between things. I'm going somewhere
better, and I can see it ahead of me, but I'm not there yet. And I
get so afraid... but I think, mostly, that the fear isn't real, that
it's something that I create out of habit.
Tomorrow I see a divorce lawyer, and finally get the legal stuff
going. It's been in the works for so long, but we'd both wanted to
avoid the expense and divisiveness of the legal system and had hoped
to be able to do it ourselves. Just not possible in NY, especially if
you have a child. And my new house is mine now... in the slow process
of moving, even though the other people still haven't removed
everything. It's all going ok. Especially if I don't think about it
too much. Everything else is ok, too. Moving forward.
But sometimes I look down, and the ground slips away from me, and I
realize that I'm not walking down a wide road; it's a thin tightrope.
And I clutch my magic feather harder, and pray that I won't fall.
That's wrong, though. I'm just starting to realize that, and I'll be
damned if I can actually internalize that knowledge at all. There is
no bad thing down the road... not one that I can prevent by looking
for it, anyway. But I set myself off on this worry-chain... looking
ahead, looking down, looking back. Not trusting myself and my own
ability to cope. Second guessing myself. Not just letting things
happen. Grasping at any straw of control that I can find, because
that way I feel something like safe, for a moment anyway.
I get so tired of being this way. I am trying like hell to learn
something else, but it just exhausts me.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: don't look down |
16 Feb 2005 06:45:06 PM |
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On Wed, 16 Feb 2005 18:42:19 -0500, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
I get so tired of being this way. I am trying like hell to learn
something else, but it just exhausts me.
The thing is that I already know the answers.
There is nothing wrong, but there's part of me, that external
observer, the watcher, the vigilant part, and it says, it cannot be
simple. You should not be coping. And so it second guesses, and it
looks under rocks and it pokes at things, and it won't let things be
all right.
I need to trust myself, and I don't. Not all the time. I'm just
learning.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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