Subject: Exercise in futility..... but it's better than nothing.
From:

Most of my posts don't get through. I guess because I'm
posting from google and it sucks.

I have been at work for the last three days in spite of the
fact that I am seriously considering walking away from this
life. In spite of the mind crushing sorrow I am
experiencing. In spite of the fact that I can barely keep
my head up, from the pain I feel.

But here I am. Doing what I'm supposed to do. And that's
all anybody wants. Just do what you're supposed to do so
you don't bother anyone else.

If I work, I don't upset anyone because I'm missing time, I
don't bother anyone with money problems and I can be
classified as 'ok' because I'm here.

I force myself to come. I force myself to do my job. I
cannot tell you how hard it is. I do phone tech support.
I hate every second of it. Doing it without the depression
and anxiety would be hard enough. Doing this job in my
condition is torture. but I'm doing what I'm supposed to
do, so everyone is happy. I'm not pissing off my family or
my husband. I'm not pissing off my manager. And the few
people I do see for this 'issue' assume that if I'm here,
I'm ok.

And all I can think about is the former voice actor from
southpark, who went home after a wrap party and shot
herself because she couldn't handle the fear and the pain
anymore. Everyone is always sorry and willing to do
'anything' after the fact. but we are just fucking annoying
while we're alive.

And I realize that just as there is no point to this life
except suffering, it's probably exactly the same in the
afterlife. Only probably worse.
So I'll do what I'm supposed to do.
And hope I die young.

Mz.r.