| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"mighty mouse" |
| Date: |
31 Aug 2007 06:51:14 AM |
| Object: |
expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
Janes post in another threat has got me doing some serious thinking.
One of my other issues is regarding my parents. I love them, I really
do, but I remember them saying once that my sister and I were "too
affectionate" as children and they were worried for our safety as we
approached school age, so they decided to discourage the behaviour.
I don't know what they did to discourage us from showing affection but
it obviously worked.
The result is that I was raised in a home where other than a quick peck
on the lips or cheek, I don't recall seeing my parents display any
affection towards each other. I saw my Mum cry once at a funeral a
couple of years ago (I wasn't allowed to attend family funerals until I
was over 18 - "they're not a place for children"). I can count the
number of times I remember my mum hugging me on one hand, and I don't
ever remember my dad hugging me.
I can only think of a couple of occasions when I can remember either of
my parents telling me they love me. I don't remember ever feeling
comfortable enough to say it to them. Expressing affection has become a
really awkward thing in my family.
It's sad, even a few weeks ago when my Dad was in hospital and I was
really worried about him and wanted to tell him I love him and I hoped
he would be ok, I couldn't. Same when my Grandma was in hospital a
month or so before that.
I have some really weird ideas about affection. When I've been in
relationships I can be affectionate, but not in public or around my
parents. When a girl at work who I was fairly good friends with went on
maternity leave, I stood back while everyone else hugged her goodbye. I
don't hug my family or friends, even when it would be appropriate. It's
just too awkward for me. Standing back makes me look weird or like I
don't care, but it's more comfortable for me than participating.
I know my parents love me. They've cared for me and let me move back
home when I've been too depressed to work. They show it in many ways.
But they don't say it. There are so many things we don't talk about.
Too many things have not been said.
I'd like to tell them about some of the causes of my depression and
anxiety that I haven't told them about, but the awkwardness stops me. I
wonder if they already know, it they figured it out but the awkwardness
stops them from talking to me about it, either then or now. If they
know and they never said anything, well that makes me very angry. They
could have saved me a lot of suffering, but let their inability to
express emotion towards each other or me stop them. It makes me mad
that they could have known, either figured it out themselves or made me
feel loved and safe and I would have told them, and things would have
been so much different. Their lack of dealing with their own emotions
and teaching me how to deal with mine has pretty much screwed up my life.
Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and possibly a post
of it's own. I didn't realise that was going to come out. I intended
this post to be a sad look at how things could have been different, not
to bring up that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
spoiler and press send now.
.
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| User: "Jane" |
|
| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
31 Aug 2007 06:27:24 PM |
|
|
"mighty mouse" <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fb8vb7$l91$1@aioe.org...
Janes post in another threat has got me doing some serious thinking.
One of my other issues is regarding my parents. I love them, I really do,
but I remember them saying once that my sister and I were "too
affectionate" as children and they were worried for our safety as we
approached school age, so they decided to discourage the behaviour.
I don't know what they did to discourage us from showing affection but it
obviously worked.
The result is that I was raised in a home where other than a quick peck on
the lips or cheek, I don't recall seeing my parents display any affection
towards each other. I saw my Mum cry once at a funeral a couple of years
ago (I wasn't allowed to attend family funerals until I was over 18 -
"they're not a place for children"). I can count the number of times I
remember my mum hugging me on one hand, and I don't ever remember my dad
hugging me.
I can only think of a couple of occasions when I can remember either of my
parents telling me they love me. I don't remember ever feeling
comfortable enough to say it to them. Expressing affection has become a
really awkward thing in my family.
It's sad, even a few weeks ago when my Dad was in hospital and I was
really worried about him and wanted to tell him I love him and I hoped he
would be ok, I couldn't. Same when my Grandma was in hospital a month or
so before that.
I have some really weird ideas about affection. When I've been in
relationships I can be affectionate, but not in public or around my
parents. When a girl at work who I was fairly good friends with went on
maternity leave, I stood back while everyone else hugged her goodbye. I
don't hug my family or friends, even when it would be appropriate. It's
just too awkward for me. Standing back makes me look weird or like I
don't care, but it's more comfortable for me than participating.
I know my parents love me. They've cared for me and let me move back home
when I've been too depressed to work. They show it in many ways. But they
don't say it. There are so many things we don't talk about. Too many
things have not been said.
I'd like to tell them about some of the causes of my depression and
anxiety that I haven't told them about, but the awkwardness stops me. I
wonder if they already know, it they figured it out but the awkwardness
stops them from talking to me about it, either then or now. If they know
and they never said anything, well that makes me very angry. They could
have saved me a lot of suffering, but let their inability to express
emotion towards each other or me stop them. It makes me mad that they
could have known, either figured it out themselves or made me feel loved
and safe and I would have told them, and things would have been so much
different. Their lack of dealing with their own emotions and teaching me
how to deal with mine has pretty much screwed up my life.
Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and possibly a post of
it's own. I didn't realise that was going to come out. I intended this
post to be a sad look at how things could have been different, not to
bring up that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
spoiler and press send now.
Great post hun, I'm glad something I said may have got you thinking about
something that might be a good discovery tool.
As far as hugging, my father wasn't, my mother was. I am and will continue
to be a huggy kind of person and even the people who feel awkward, I'm one
of those who will hug the awkward ones too, I don't want them to feel like
an outsider so they get a special hug!
Jane
.
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| User: "mighty mouse" |
|
| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
31 Aug 2007 09:42:41 PM |
|
|
Jane wrote:
"mighty mouse" <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fb8vb7$l91$1@aioe.org...
Janes post in another threat has got me doing some serious thinking.
One of my other issues is regarding my parents. I love them, I really do,
but I remember them saying once that my sister and I were "too
affectionate" as children and they were worried for our safety as we
approached school age, so they decided to discourage the behaviour.
I don't know what they did to discourage us from showing affection but it
obviously worked.
The result is that I was raised in a home where other than a quick peck on
the lips or cheek, I don't recall seeing my parents display any affection
towards each other. I saw my Mum cry once at a funeral a couple of years
ago (I wasn't allowed to attend family funerals until I was over 18 -
"they're not a place for children"). I can count the number of times I
remember my mum hugging me on one hand, and I don't ever remember my dad
hugging me.
I can only think of a couple of occasions when I can remember either of my
parents telling me they love me. I don't remember ever feeling
comfortable enough to say it to them. Expressing affection has become a
really awkward thing in my family.
It's sad, even a few weeks ago when my Dad was in hospital and I was
really worried about him and wanted to tell him I love him and I hoped he
would be ok, I couldn't. Same when my Grandma was in hospital a month or
so before that.
I have some really weird ideas about affection. When I've been in
relationships I can be affectionate, but not in public or around my
parents. When a girl at work who I was fairly good friends with went on
maternity leave, I stood back while everyone else hugged her goodbye. I
don't hug my family or friends, even when it would be appropriate. It's
just too awkward for me. Standing back makes me look weird or like I
don't care, but it's more comfortable for me than participating.
I know my parents love me. They've cared for me and let me move back home
when I've been too depressed to work. They show it in many ways. But they
don't say it. There are so many things we don't talk about. Too many
things have not been said.
I'd like to tell them about some of the causes of my depression and
anxiety that I haven't told them about, but the awkwardness stops me. I
wonder if they already know, it they figured it out but the awkwardness
stops them from talking to me about it, either then or now. If they know
and they never said anything, well that makes me very angry. They could
have saved me a lot of suffering, but let their inability to express
emotion towards each other or me stop them. It makes me mad that they
could have known, either figured it out themselves or made me feel loved
and safe and I would have told them, and things would have been so much
different. Their lack of dealing with their own emotions and teaching me
how to deal with mine has pretty much screwed up my life.
Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and possibly a post of
it's own. I didn't realise that was going to come out. I intended this
post to be a sad look at how things could have been different, not to
bring up that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
spoiler and press send now.
Great post hun, I'm glad something I said may have got you thinking about
something that might be a good discovery tool.
As far as hugging, my father wasn't, my mother was. I am and will continue
to be a huggy kind of person and even the people who feel awkward, I'm one
of those who will hug the awkward ones too, I don't want them to feel like
an outsider so they get a special hug!
Jane
:) It's been a long time since I received (or allowed myself to give or
receive) a hug. I wish I knew someone like you offline who would push
through my awkwardness.
I don't say this often enough Jane - I think you're absolutely great!
.
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| User: "thegathaterra" |
|
| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
01 Sep 2007 01:07:57 AM |
|
|
"mighty mouse" <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fbajj2$2ho$2@aioe.org...
Jane wrote:
"mighty mouse" <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fb8vb7$l91$1@aioe.org...
Janes post in another threat has got me doing some serious thinking.
One of my other issues is regarding my parents. I love them, I really
do, but I remember them saying once that my sister and I were "too
affectionate" as children and they were worried for our safety as we
approached school age, so they decided to discourage the behaviour.
I don't know what they did to discourage us from showing affection but
it obviously worked.
The result is that I was raised in a home where other than a quick peck
on the lips or cheek, I don't recall seeing my parents display any
affection towards each other. I saw my Mum cry once at a funeral a
couple of years ago (I wasn't allowed to attend family funerals until I
was over 18 - "they're not a place for children"). I can count the
number of times I remember my mum hugging me on one hand, and I don't
ever remember my dad hugging me.
I can only think of a couple of occasions when I can remember either of
my parents telling me they love me. I don't remember ever feeling
comfortable enough to say it to them. Expressing affection has become a
really awkward thing in my family.
It's sad, even a few weeks ago when my Dad was in hospital and I was
really worried about him and wanted to tell him I love him and I hoped
he would be ok, I couldn't. Same when my Grandma was in hospital a
month or so before that.
I have some really weird ideas about affection. When I've been in
relationships I can be affectionate, but not in public or around my
parents. When a girl at work who I was fairly good friends with went on
maternity leave, I stood back while everyone else hugged her goodbye. I
don't hug my family or friends, even when it would be appropriate. It's
just too awkward for me. Standing back makes me look weird or like I
don't care, but it's more comfortable for me than participating.
I know my parents love me. They've cared for me and let me move back
home when I've been too depressed to work. They show it in many ways.
But they don't say it. There are so many things we don't talk about.
Too many things have not been said.
I'd like to tell them about some of the causes of my depression and
anxiety that I haven't told them about, but the awkwardness stops me. I
wonder if they already know, it they figured it out but the awkwardness
stops them from talking to me about it, either then or now. If they
know and they never said anything, well that makes me very angry. They
could have saved me a lot of suffering, but let their inability to
express emotion towards each other or me stop them. It makes me mad
that they could have known, either figured it out themselves or made me
feel loved and safe and I would have told them, and things would have
been so much different. Their lack of dealing with their own emotions
and teaching me how to deal with mine has pretty much screwed up my
life.
Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and possibly a post
of it's own. I didn't realise that was going to come out. I intended
this post to be a sad look at how things could have been different, not
to bring up that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
spoiler and press send now.
Great post hun, I'm glad something I said may have got you thinking about
something that might be a good discovery tool.
As far as hugging, my father wasn't, my mother was. I am and will
continue to be a huggy kind of person and even the people who feel
awkward, I'm one of those who will hug the awkward ones too, I don't want
them to feel like an outsider so they get a special hug!
Jane
:) It's been a long time since I received (or allowed myself to give or
receive) a hug. I wish I knew someone like you offline who would push
through my awkwardness.
I don't say this often enough Jane - I think you're absolutely great!
My father fails time and time again to show emotion. I think I have seen him
three weeks all up, over the last 12 years.
Still I sent him a post card wishing him a happy father's day.
I think I would regret it if I didn't and I'd still like to keep some kind
of connection.
So even if he throws my card in the bin at least I know I sent one.
Lynne
.
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| User: "Jane" |
|
| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
01 Sep 2007 07:00:06 AM |
|
|
"thegathaterra" <lynnevaneck@bigpond.com> wrote in message
news:1l7Ci.29231$4A1.22629@news-server.bigpond.net.au...
"mighty mouse" <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fbajj2$2ho$2@aioe.org...
Jane wrote:
"mighty mouse" <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fb8vb7$l91$1@aioe.org...
Janes post in another threat has got me doing some serious thinking.
One of my other issues is regarding my parents. I love them, I really
do, but I remember them saying once that my sister and I were "too
affectionate" as children and they were worried for our safety as we
approached school age, so they decided to discourage the behaviour.
I don't know what they did to discourage us from showing affection but
it obviously worked.
The result is that I was raised in a home where other than a quick peck
on the lips or cheek, I don't recall seeing my parents display any
affection towards each other. I saw my Mum cry once at a funeral a
couple of years ago (I wasn't allowed to attend family funerals until I
was over 18 - "they're not a place for children"). I can count the
number of times I remember my mum hugging me on one hand, and I don't
ever remember my dad hugging me.
I can only think of a couple of occasions when I can remember either of
my parents telling me they love me. I don't remember ever feeling
comfortable enough to say it to them. Expressing affection has become
a really awkward thing in my family.
It's sad, even a few weeks ago when my Dad was in hospital and I was
really worried about him and wanted to tell him I love him and I hoped
he would be ok, I couldn't. Same when my Grandma was in hospital a
month or so before that.
I have some really weird ideas about affection. When I've been in
relationships I can be affectionate, but not in public or around my
parents. When a girl at work who I was fairly good friends with went
on maternity leave, I stood back while everyone else hugged her
goodbye. I don't hug my family or friends, even when it would be
appropriate. It's just too awkward for me. Standing back makes me
look weird or like I don't care, but it's more comfortable for me than
participating.
I know my parents love me. They've cared for me and let me move back
home when I've been too depressed to work. They show it in many ways.
But they don't say it. There are so many things we don't talk about.
Too many things have not been said.
I'd like to tell them about some of the causes of my depression and
anxiety that I haven't told them about, but the awkwardness stops me.
I wonder if they already know, it they figured it out but the
awkwardness stops them from talking to me about it, either then or now.
If they know and they never said anything, well that makes me very
angry. They could have saved me a lot of suffering, but let their
inability to express emotion towards each other or me stop them. It
makes me mad that they could have known, either figured it out
themselves or made me feel loved and safe and I would have told them,
and things would have been so much different. Their lack of dealing
with their own emotions and teaching me how to deal with mine has
pretty much screwed up my life.
Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and possibly a post
of it's own. I didn't realise that was going to come out. I intended
this post to be a sad look at how things could have been different, not
to bring up that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
spoiler and press send now.
Great post hun, I'm glad something I said may have got you thinking
about something that might be a good discovery tool.
As far as hugging, my father wasn't, my mother was. I am and will
continue to be a huggy kind of person and even the people who feel
awkward, I'm one of those who will hug the awkward ones too, I don't
want them to feel like an outsider so they get a special hug!
Jane
:) It's been a long time since I received (or allowed myself to give or
receive) a hug. I wish I knew someone like you offline who would push
through my awkwardness.
I don't say this often enough Jane - I think you're absolutely great!
My father fails time and time again to show emotion. I think I have seen
him three weeks all up, over the last 12 years.
Still I sent him a post card wishing him a happy father's day.
I think I would regret it if I didn't and I'd still like to keep some kind
of connection.
So even if he throws my card in the bin at least I know I sent one.
Lynne
Absolutely Lynne!!! I feel exactly the same away.
.
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| User: "Jane" |
|
| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
01 Sep 2007 06:59:12 AM |
|
|
"mighty mouse" <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fbajj2$2ho$2@aioe.org...
Jane wrote:
"mighty mouse" <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fb8vb7$l91$1@aioe.org...
Janes post in another threat has got me doing some serious thinking.
One of my other issues is regarding my parents. I love them, I really
do, but I remember them saying once that my sister and I were "too
affectionate" as children and they were worried for our safety as we
approached school age, so they decided to discourage the behaviour.
I don't know what they did to discourage us from showing affection but
it obviously worked.
The result is that I was raised in a home where other than a quick peck
on the lips or cheek, I don't recall seeing my parents display any
affection towards each other. I saw my Mum cry once at a funeral a
couple of years ago (I wasn't allowed to attend family funerals until I
was over 18 - "they're not a place for children"). I can count the
number of times I remember my mum hugging me on one hand, and I don't
ever remember my dad hugging me.
I can only think of a couple of occasions when I can remember either of
my parents telling me they love me. I don't remember ever feeling
comfortable enough to say it to them. Expressing affection has become a
really awkward thing in my family.
It's sad, even a few weeks ago when my Dad was in hospital and I was
really worried about him and wanted to tell him I love him and I hoped
he would be ok, I couldn't. Same when my Grandma was in hospital a
month or so before that.
I have some really weird ideas about affection. When I've been in
relationships I can be affectionate, but not in public or around my
parents. When a girl at work who I was fairly good friends with went on
maternity leave, I stood back while everyone else hugged her goodbye. I
don't hug my family or friends, even when it would be appropriate. It's
just too awkward for me. Standing back makes me look weird or like I
don't care, but it's more comfortable for me than participating.
I know my parents love me. They've cared for me and let me move back
home when I've been too depressed to work. They show it in many ways.
But they don't say it. There are so many things we don't talk about.
Too many things have not been said.
I'd like to tell them about some of the causes of my depression and
anxiety that I haven't told them about, but the awkwardness stops me. I
wonder if they already know, it they figured it out but the awkwardness
stops them from talking to me about it, either then or now. If they
know and they never said anything, well that makes me very angry. They
could have saved me a lot of suffering, but let their inability to
express emotion towards each other or me stop them. It makes me mad
that they could have known, either figured it out themselves or made me
feel loved and safe and I would have told them, and things would have
been so much different. Their lack of dealing with their own emotions
and teaching me how to deal with mine has pretty much screwed up my
life.
Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and possibly a post
of it's own. I didn't realise that was going to come out. I intended
this post to be a sad look at how things could have been different, not
to bring up that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
spoiler and press send now.
Great post hun, I'm glad something I said may have got you thinking about
something that might be a good discovery tool.
As far as hugging, my father wasn't, my mother was. I am and will
continue to be a huggy kind of person and even the people who feel
awkward, I'm one of those who will hug the awkward ones too, I don't want
them to feel like an outsider so they get a special hug!
Jane
:) It's been a long time since I received (or allowed myself to give or
receive) a hug. I wish I knew someone like you offline who would push
through my awkwardness.
I don't say this often enough Jane - I think you're absolutely great!
Oh yes you do, everyone here is so wonderful to me and compliment me and I
always feel so good when I'm here. So thank you from the bottom of my
heart. Well if we did know each other in person and lived near each other I
wouldn't hug ya five times a day until you felt less awkward LOL but I would
hug you every time I saw you to say hello and a hug every time we parted to
say good buy. If you looked like you need a hug in-between cuz you're down
well then ya'd get another one. For the most part I'd just hang out for
someone to talk to...
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
31 Aug 2007 09:36:26 AM |
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|
"mighty mouse" <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fb8vb7$l91$1@aioe.org...
Janes post in another threat has got me doing some serious thinking.
One of my other issues is regarding my parents. I love them, I really do,
but I remember them saying once that my sister and I were "too
affectionate" as children and they were worried for our safety as we
approached school age, so they decided to discourage the behaviour.
I don't know what they did to discourage us from showing affection but it
obviously worked.
The result is that I was raised in a home where other than a quick peck on
the lips or cheek, I don't recall seeing my parents display any affection
towards each other. I saw my Mum cry once at a funeral a couple of years
ago (I wasn't allowed to attend family funerals until I was over 18 -
"they're not a place for children"). I can count the number of times I
remember my mum hugging me on one hand, and I don't ever remember my dad
hugging me.
I can only think of a couple of occasions when I can remember either of my
parents telling me they love me. I don't remember ever feeling
comfortable enough to say it to them. Expressing affection has become a
really awkward thing in my family.
It's sad, even a few weeks ago when my Dad was in hospital and I was
really worried about him and wanted to tell him I love him and I hoped he
would be ok, I couldn't. Same when my Grandma was in hospital a month or
so before that.
I have some really weird ideas about affection. When I've been in
relationships I can be affectionate, but not in public or around my
parents. When a girl at work who I was fairly good friends with went on
maternity leave, I stood back while everyone else hugged her goodbye. I
don't hug my family or friends, even when it would be appropriate. It's
just too awkward for me. Standing back makes me look weird or like I
don't care, but it's more comfortable for me than participating.
I know my parents love me. They've cared for me and let me move back home
when I've been too depressed to work. They show it in many ways. But they
don't say it. There are so many things we don't talk about. Too many
things have not been said.
I'd like to tell them about some of the causes of my depression and
anxiety that I haven't told them about, but the awkwardness stops me. I
wonder if they already know, it they figured it out but the awkwardness
stops them from talking to me about it, either then or now. If they know
and they never said anything, well that makes me very angry. They could
have saved me a lot of suffering, but let their inability to express
emotion towards each other or me stop them. It makes me mad that they
could have known, either figured it out themselves or made me feel loved
and safe and I would have told them, and things would have been so much
different. Their lack of dealing with their own emotions and teaching me
how to deal with mine has pretty much screwed up my life.
Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and possibly a post of
it's own. I didn't realise that was going to come out. I intended this
post to be a sad look at how things could have been different, not to
bring up that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
spoiler and press send now.
Wow. Some really good insights in this post. I think your anger is a
perfectly normal reaction. I won't pretend to "get" why your parents did
what they did, but I'm sorry they did it and it has screwed up your life.
It makes me sad that you didn't get what you needed as a child and now
suffer for it as an adult. I suppose they did the best they could with what
they knew and had they known better they would have done better. Perhaps
there is comfort or at the very least resolution to be found in that. I
hope you will be able to work through this and make up for lost time. For
your sake and theirs. I sense it's important to you to not let them leave
this earth some day without them hearing you say "I love you" and my
sincerest wish for you, for all of you, is that you can reach the point
where that is possible.
--
Rhi
.
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| User: "mighty mouse" |
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| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
31 Aug 2007 10:49:49 AM |
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|
Rhiannon wrote:
"mighty mouse" <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fb8vb7$l91$1@aioe.org...
Wow. Some really good insights in this post. I think your anger is a
perfectly normal reaction. I won't pretend to "get" why your parents did
what they did, but I'm sorry they did it and it has screwed up your life.
It makes me sad that you didn't get what you needed as a child and now
suffer for it as an adult. I suppose they did the best they could with what
they knew and had they known better they would have done better. Perhaps
there is comfort or at the very least resolution to be found in that. I
hope you will be able to work through this and make up for lost time. For
your sake and theirs. I sense it's important to you to not let them leave
this earth some day without them hearing you say "I love you" and my
sincerest wish for you, for all of you, is that you can reach the point
where that is possible.
--
Rhi
You're right, it's important for me to be able to say it to them and
especially for me to hear it. It's important for me to be comfortable
enough to tell them things from my childhood that I want them to know.
I know they did the best they knew how to do. I know my Dad had a very
strained relationship with his parents and that might partially explain
this. And I know that they made a decision to pull back on the emotion
to try to protect myself and my sister from harm. They thought it was
the right thing to do, and maybe it was, it just went a little too far.
I don't believe they ever set out to do harm, but in this way they did.
I feel guilty for even slightly critisising them like that. But it's
the truth. In this one aspect of their treatment of me, they did cause
harm. Hopefully it can be repaired in time.
For the most part, I'm not mad. But then something sparks and I get in
touch with the anger inside me. Hopefully this post gets me a little
closer to seeing that anger and releasing it.
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| User: "Bacon" |
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| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
31 Aug 2007 08:45:54 AM |
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On Fri, 31 Aug 2007 21:51:14 +1000, mighty mouse
<mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote:
Janes post in another threat has got me doing some serious thinking.
One of my other issues is regarding my parents. I love them, I really
do, but I remember them saying once that my sister and I were "too
affectionate" as children and they were worried for our safety as we
approached school age, so they decided to discourage the behaviour.
I don't know what they did to discourage us from showing affection but
it obviously worked.
The result is that I was raised in a home where other than a quick peck
on the lips or cheek, I don't recall seeing my parents display any
affection towards each other. I saw my Mum cry once at a funeral a
couple of years ago (I wasn't allowed to attend family funerals until I
was over 18 - "they're not a place for children"). I can count the
number of times I remember my mum hugging me on one hand, and I don't
ever remember my dad hugging me.
I can only think of a couple of occasions when I can remember either of
my parents telling me they love me. I don't remember ever feeling
comfortable enough to say it to them. Expressing affection has become a
really awkward thing in my family.
It's sad, even a few weeks ago when my Dad was in hospital and I was
really worried about him and wanted to tell him I love him and I hoped
he would be ok, I couldn't. Same when my Grandma was in hospital a
month or so before that.
I have some really weird ideas about affection. When I've been in
relationships I can be affectionate, but not in public or around my
parents. When a girl at work who I was fairly good friends with went on
maternity leave, I stood back while everyone else hugged her goodbye. I
don't hug my family or friends, even when it would be appropriate. It's
just too awkward for me. Standing back makes me look weird or like I
don't care, but it's more comfortable for me than participating.
I know my parents love me. They've cared for me and let me move back
home when I've been too depressed to work. They show it in many ways.
But they don't say it. There are so many things we don't talk about.
Too many things have not been said.
I'd like to tell them about some of the causes of my depression and
anxiety that I haven't told them about, but the awkwardness stops me. I
wonder if they already know, it they figured it out but the awkwardness
stops them from talking to me about it, either then or now. If they
know and they never said anything, well that makes me very angry. They
could have saved me a lot of suffering, but let their inability to
express emotion towards each other or me stop them. It makes me mad
that they could have known, either figured it out themselves or made me
feel loved and safe and I would have told them, and things would have
been so much different. Their lack of dealing with their own emotions
and teaching me how to deal with mine has pretty much screwed up my life.
Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and possibly a post
of it's own. I didn't realise that was going to come out. I intended
this post to be a sad look at how things could have been different, not
to bring up that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
spoiler and press send now.
Wow, you covered a lot of ground in that post and much of what you
convey applies to me as well...I ALWAYS notice and envy people that
are able to embrace their emotions and display them openly without
fear or shame...like on the phone with an "I love You" before the
goodbye. I try it and it comes out a quiet and quick and embarassed
"luv ya...bye".
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| User: "mighty mouse" |
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| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
31 Aug 2007 10:41:41 AM |
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Bacon wrote:
On Fri, 31 Aug 2007 21:51:14 +1000, mighty mouse
<mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com> wrote:
Wow, you covered a lot of ground in that post and much of what you
convey applies to me as well...I ALWAYS notice and envy people that
are able to embrace their emotions and display them openly without
fear or shame...like on the phone with an "I love You" before the
goodbye. I try it and it comes out a quiet and quick and embarassed
"luv ya...bye".
I'm sorry you can relate, I don't find it easy at all being so
uncomfortable with my emotions and affections. Sorry you know what that
feels like too Bacon.
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| User: "Jesters mummy" |
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| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
31 Aug 2007 07:32:14 AM |
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On Fri, 31 Aug 2007 21:51:14 +1000, mighty mouse <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com>
wrote:
<(((*>Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and possibly a post
<(((*>of it's own. I didn't realise that was going to come out. I intended
<(((*>this post to be a sad look at how things could have been different, not
<(((*>to bring up that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
<(((*>spoiler and press send now.
Looks like a very healthy reaction to me.
You remember the negative, the sad, and it triggers anger, energy.
If you define a direction, a goal, the energy can help propel you toward it.
This post of yours is a keeper, bring it to a therapy session and use it as a
jumping off point for discussion.
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail - Stephen Fry
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| User: "mighty mouse" |
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| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
31 Aug 2007 10:40:11 AM |
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Jester's mummy wrote:
On Fri, 31 Aug 2007 21:51:14 +1000, mighty mouse <mousieNOSPAM9947@hotmail.com>
wrote:
<(((*>Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and possibly a post
<(((*>of it's own. I didn't realise that was going to come out. I intended
<(((*>this post to be a sad look at how things could have been different, not
<(((*>to bring up that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
<(((*>spoiler and press send now.
Looks like a very healthy reaction to me.
You remember the negative, the sad, and it triggers anger, energy.
If you define a direction, a goal, the energy can help propel you toward it.
This post of yours is a keeper, bring it to a therapy session and use it as a
jumping off point for discussion.
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail - Stephen Fry
I'd actually already decided to print this post and show it to my therp
and / or pdoc.
I've talked about the two issues (parenting and trauma) separately
before but never linked the two even in my own mind until I wrote that.
I was quite surprised when I re-read the paragraph and realised that
the connection was fairly obvious.
Hopefully this will be, as you said, a jumping off point. Maybe it will
spark some new progress. Maybe not, but there's always hope.
Thanks Tara :)
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
31 Aug 2007 01:20:44 PM |
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mighty mouse wrote...
Janes post in another threat has got me doing some serious
thinking.
One of my other issues is regarding my parents. I love
them, I really do, but I remember them saying once that my
sister and I were "too affectionate" as children and they
were worried for our safety as we approached school age, so
they decided to discourage the behaviour.
I don't know what they did to discourage us from showing
affection but it obviously worked.
The result is that I was raised in a home where other than
a quick peck on the lips or cheek, I don't recall seeing my
parents display any affection towards each other. I saw my
Mum cry once at a funeral a couple of years ago (I wasn't
allowed to attend family funerals until I was over 18 -
"they're not a place for children"). I can count the
number of times I remember my mum hugging me on one hand,
and I don't ever remember my dad hugging me.
I can only think of a couple of occasions when I can
remember either of my parents telling me they love me. I
don't remember ever feeling comfortable enough to say it to
them. Expressing affection has become a really awkward
thing in my family.
It's sad, even a few weeks ago when my Dad was in hospital
and I was really worried about him and wanted to tell him I
love him and I hoped he would be ok, I couldn't. Same when
my Grandma was in hospital a month or so before that.
I have some really weird ideas about affection. When I've
been in relationships I can be affectionate, but not in
public or around my parents. When a girl at work who I was
fairly good friends with went on maternity leave, I stood
back while everyone else hugged her goodbye. I don't hug
my family or friends, even when it would be appropriate.
It's just too awkward for me. Standing back makes me look
weird or like I don't care, but it's more comfortable for
me than participating.
I know my parents love me. They've cared for me and let me
move back home when I've been too depressed to work. They
show it in many ways. But they don't say it. There are so
many things we don't talk about. Too many things have not
been said.
I'd like to tell them about some of the causes of my
depression and anxiety that I haven't told them about, but
the awkwardness stops me. I wonder if they already know,
it they figured it out but the awkwardness stops them from
talking to me about it, either then or now. If they know
and they never said anything, well that makes me very
angry. They could have saved me a lot of suffering, but
let their inability to express emotion towards each other
or me stop them. It makes me mad that they could have
known, either figured it out themselves or made me feel
loved and safe and I would have told them, and things would
have been so much different. Their lack of dealing with
their own emotions and teaching me how to deal with mine
has pretty much screwed up my life.
Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and
possibly a post of it's own. I didn't realise that was
going to come out. I intended this post to be a sad look
at how things could have been different, not to bring up
that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
spoiler and press send now.
I can relate somewhat, as well. The kids in my neighborhood
referred to my parents as robots. Since I've grown, my mother
has taken to telling me she loves me, in a sort of wooden way.
I think that what hurt me the most was that we were never to
be exposed to negative emotion. I, also, was not permitted to
attend funerals. I never once heard my parents argue, or even
disagree. They never punished sounding angry, only
disappointed. And boy, were they disappointed with me. As a
result, as an adult, I can't handle disagreements or displays
of anger well at all. They scare me. I don't know how to
react, even when they're not involving myself. And I fear
disappointing others to too great a degree.
I think that one reason I don't want to visit my father in the
hospital is that I don't feel comfortable telling him that I
love him, yet would feel compelled to do so. Very awkward.
Better to wait until he's home and somewhat on his feet.
The best I can do now is to not pass this stuff on to my kids.
And I do my best to display how I'm feeling in an appropriate
way in front of them. They know the edge in my voice when I'm
getting angry, and respond accordingly. They've seen me cry.
They hear me say how much I love them and how proud I am of
them. I hope that's enough.
-lisa
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| User: "mighty mouse" |
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| Title: Re: expressing emotion (trauma mentioned) |
31 Aug 2007 09:41:04 PM |
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lisa in mass. wrote:
mighty mouse wrote...
Janes post in another threat has got me doing some serious
thinking.
One of my other issues is regarding my parents. I love
them, I really do, but I remember them saying once that my
sister and I were "too affectionate" as children and they
were worried for our safety as we approached school age, so
they decided to discourage the behaviour.
I don't know what they did to discourage us from showing
affection but it obviously worked.
The result is that I was raised in a home where other than
a quick peck on the lips or cheek, I don't recall seeing my
parents display any affection towards each other. I saw my
Mum cry once at a funeral a couple of years ago (I wasn't
allowed to attend family funerals until I was over 18 -
"they're not a place for children"). I can count the
number of times I remember my mum hugging me on one hand,
and I don't ever remember my dad hugging me.
I can only think of a couple of occasions when I can
remember either of my parents telling me they love me. I
don't remember ever feeling comfortable enough to say it to
them. Expressing affection has become a really awkward
thing in my family.
It's sad, even a few weeks ago when my Dad was in hospital
and I was really worried about him and wanted to tell him I
love him and I hoped he would be ok, I couldn't. Same when
my Grandma was in hospital a month or so before that.
I have some really weird ideas about affection. When I've
been in relationships I can be affectionate, but not in
public or around my parents. When a girl at work who I was
fairly good friends with went on maternity leave, I stood
back while everyone else hugged her goodbye. I don't hug
my family or friends, even when it would be appropriate.
It's just too awkward for me. Standing back makes me look
weird or like I don't care, but it's more comfortable for
me than participating.
I know my parents love me. They've cared for me and let me
move back home when I've been too depressed to work. They
show it in many ways. But they don't say it. There are so
many things we don't talk about. Too many things have not
been said.
I'd like to tell them about some of the causes of my
depression and anxiety that I haven't told them about, but
the awkwardness stops me. I wonder if they already know,
it they figured it out but the awkwardness stops them from
talking to me about it, either then or now. If they know
and they never said anything, well that makes me very
angry. They could have saved me a lot of suffering, but
let their inability to express emotion towards each other
or me stop them. It makes me mad that they could have
known, either figured it out themselves or made me feel
loved and safe and I would have told them, and things would
have been so much different. Their lack of dealing with
their own emotions and teaching me how to deal with mine
has pretty much screwed up my life.
Whoa...that last paragraph needs some more thought and
possibly a post of it's own. I didn't realise that was
going to come out. I intended this post to be a sad look
at how things could have been different, not to bring up
that anger. I won't delete that paragraph, I'll add a mild
spoiler and press send now.
I can relate somewhat, as well. The kids in my neighborhood
referred to my parents as robots. Since I've grown, my mother
has taken to telling me she loves me, in a sort of wooden way.
I think that what hurt me the most was that we were never to
be exposed to negative emotion. I, also, was not permitted to
attend funerals. I never once heard my parents argue, or even
disagree. They never punished sounding angry, only
disappointed. And boy, were they disappointed with me. As a
result, as an adult, I can't handle disagreements or displays
of anger well at all. They scare me. I don't know how to
react, even when they're not involving myself. And I fear
disappointing others to too great a degree.
I think my mum and I have pretty similar anger styles. I've seen her
just shout at my Dad because he said something in the wrong tone of
voice, and he just backs down and walks away. She's still mad even
hours later. I see it from the external perspective and I hate the
thought that I might be like that.
I think that one reason I don't want to visit my father in the
hospital is that I don't feel comfortable telling him that I
love him, yet would feel compelled to do so. Very awkward.
Better to wait until he's home and somewhat on his feet.
I totally understand. I know you're worried about him and I hope he's
home soon so you can go visit him and put your mind at rest without
having to deal with the awkwardness.
The best I can do now is to not pass this stuff on to my kids.
And I do my best to display how I'm feeling in an appropriate
way in front of them. They know the edge in my voice when I'm
getting angry, and respond accordingly. They've seen me cry.
They hear me say how much I love them and how proud I am of
them. I hope that's enough.
-lisa
I really think that is enough. Having parents who express all emotions,
to show them that all emotions are ok, is a really important thing.
And telling them you love them and are proud of them is so important.
I'm sure you're doing a great job Lisa.
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