My friend Robert told me that it is important to have faith, but that
many people have faith in wrong things. For nobody was this more true
than for the departed Michele.
I am refuting these things now, partly in order to clear my mind of
them, but also to make things clear for others similarly confused. The
things I am saying are not meant to tarnish her memory, but rather to
refute culturally transmitted lies - lies that also entrap many others
and, just as they did her, lead them toward destruction.
At one point she said, "To want truth
is to want power." Well, yeah - Power over one's life, power over what
one thinks, power over one's destiny. You know what is the first social
necessity of knowing the truth is? So as not to get deceived by other
people's lies. And the second? To understand the world enough to know
the full range of consequences of your actions in order that you can
truly act in a manner that is deliberate and responsible. Not only it
is a matter of self-empowerment, but in fact it is a matter of civic
responsibility for people to know the truth - first, so that liars
cannot run your life or the civilization; and second, to know what
action you can take in order to achieve a desired result. Truth is the
necessary component of both true freedom and true responsibility.
Therefore not only do I regard it my right to know the truth - the full
truth - but I regard it to be my civic responsibility to do so - as
indeed of anyone whose actions bear any kind of effect on the world we
live in. It is only through this - through knowing the full truth -
that our world can be kept from falling victim to falsehood,
oppression, hypocrisy, deception, cruelty and horror that always
follows social lies. And perhaps more importantly, it is only through
this - complete knowledge - that a person can truly understand what
action to take in order to achieve any intended result.
The people who claim to value what they call responsibility without
valuing knowledge and wisdom and insight into the universe and social
issues are liars. They use responsibility as a code word for a
lifestyle they shove down the throat of a supposedly free population,
while demonizing and keeping away those who have been around and know
better. Shoving down people's throats a concept of responsibility - any
concept of responsibility - without allowing for knowledge, insight,
seeing the world or understanding the world - are running a racket; a
racket that has people perpetuate one after another generation of
ignorance, misery and oppression. The people who run this racket keep
people from understanding the world or fulfilling themselves before
they have children; so they give their children a false worldview, they
live their unfulfilled selves through their children while squashing
anything in the child that does not easily lend to them living
themselves through him, and then the children - wretched, ignorant and
filled with hatred - produce another generation of the same misery.
Now nothing could be more irresponsible, cruel or destructive to
everything for which America claims to stand.
More absurdity? "If I cannot live for myself then I cannot
live." My response: What horrible way of thinking is that? Throughout
human history, the majority of mankind (and certainly the better part
of mankind) emphatically did not live for themselves. They lived for
their countries, for God, for progress, for science, for art, for the
world, for people they cared about, for the causes that they believed
in. And here we've taken someone who is naturally altruistic and
interested in the benefit of humanity and shove down her throat the
dogma of - what? Living for herself? And then the same people attack
people for being "self-absorbed" or "selfish"? What is living for
oneself if not the most extreme case of self-absorption and
selfishness?
I can understand a totalitarian state telling people to live for the
state, but for a country to demand that people live for "themselves"
and attack them for being selfish or self-absorbed if they have any
other idea of living for themselves - or for a cause, or for a
purpose - that deviates from the society's party line, is ridiculous.
It is, in fact, the most pernicious form of totalitarianism possible -
to formulate people to have desires suited to the society - the society
that, in absense of government oppression, has taken upon itself to
fill the official power vacuum with unofficial totalitarianism - what
I refer to as conman's totalitarianism - and then have them, having
been formulated and sprawling on a bin, seek "self-interest" - the
interest that, of course, is in no way their true interest (otherwise
they are "selfish" or "self-absorbed"), but in fact a desire shoved
down their throats through submersion in a society that claims liberty
while perpetrating this conman's totalitarianism. You can tell me what
you want me to do, but NOBODY HAS ANY RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO WANT!
And if you find a desire or a goal that disagrees from the party line
as "selfish" or "self-absorbed," you know what my response is? My
response is: SHOVE IT UP YOUR *****.
Bastards.
You shove your goals down people's throat and essentially bludgeon them
into regarding these goals to be their own. And what goals are these?
To have a house instead of an apartment, two cars instead of
one, a big-screen TV on which to watch World Wrestling Federation and
Cheers? That's what you live for? Excuse me, I'd rather kill myself or
join the Yanomami
than live like that. My goals, on the other hand, require minimal
resource expenditure and go to a far greater length to improve people's
experience of life. I do not seek, as did the hippies or the
survivalists, to destroy the civilization; I seek to enrich it with
wisdom of other cultures and with poetic inspiration that uplifts and
gives quality, richness and color to human existence. And if you
people have any sense, you will welcome my goals - as the next level;
as the consummation and fruition; as building - using free-market
system and democracy - upon the foundation you've created to produce
gleaming masterpieces in every area of human endeavor - masterpieces;
masterpieces that will be a shining legacy to our civilization and make
people proud to be Americans for thousands of years hence.
To continue with the analysis of the other cultural rubbish I found
living parasitically on the mind of the dear departed.
"If you so cared about me, how come you wanted to get
into my pants?" This, really, is the crown jewel of hideousness I found
infesting the mind of just about anyone. Is being sexually (and
emotionally) attracted to a person exclusive of caring about her? Does
it then follow that you can only have sex with and ultimately marry the
people who don't care about you? It seems that a lot of women my
generation do in fact have that idea. They get into relationships with
men who don't care about them - relationships that, lacking caring and
compassion, inevitably become exploitative and abusive - and then go
complaining to "friends" while whining about how bad it is to be a
woman and what bastards men are - even as they push aside the kind of
men who would in fact treat them well. As William Raspberry said about
this and similar dynamics, "What a sad culture the young people have
created." To disassociate sexuality from caring and caring from
sexuality, is to lead people into relationships that lack any human
qualities and, as such, become pits of entombment, cruelty and abuse.
And to do that, is to do a greater violence to women - women who
consider themselves educated and empowered of all things - than is done
by a thousand wife-beaters.
Another bit of nonsense? "Every man believes he is better than women."
Every man? Not remotely. In no way do I consider myself better than
Julia, or Lisbeth, or MLR; in many ways I see them as being superior.
As for Michele and Layo, I regarded them as my equals. Like frogs who
jump all over King Stump and get what they deserve when King Stork
comes along, that's how people like her operate. And in the end they
do, indeed, get King Stork of one kind or another - as we now see with
Bush, whom they would not dare prosecute in the same way that they
prosecuted, for example, Senator Packwood, who even as a Republican had
consistently voted for women's rights and did far more for women's
agenda than all the women who hounded him out of office for minor
misdeeds done 20 years previously.
More? "Nobody who cannot face his inner demons has a chance of arriving
at the truth." My response? Look at all the great people who influenced
the course of history and tell me that. Look at how many problems
Edison had - or Blake, or Einstein, or Nietzsche, or R. D. Laing, or
Van Gogh, or Poe, or Bethoven, or Jung, or Churchill, or Teddy
Roosevelt, or John Kennedy, or King Louis XIV, or Larry Elisson - and
tell me that. Indeed not only do I regard it possible to find profound
truth in dark places, but I say quite clearly that it is impossible to
arrive at profound truth without understanding the other side. The
people who've spent all their lives in the sun have little wisdom to
offer unless they deliberately strive to gain understanding of what
other people deal with. Many mistake their advantages for virtue and
tramp down the poor, or deal in ways otherwise utterly lacking in
compassion and understanding. It is possible for someone who comes from
a good place to do good, but it calls on them to understand what people
who go through misfortune deal with - something I've put in tremendous
effort to do. And a true pioneer, like a spiritual Houdini, climbs his
way out of darkness into the light and, his eye fixed on the light,
paves the way for others out of Hades.
More? "We laughed about romance and nature while we hurt another human
being." Let me make this clear, once and for all. Once I saw the
situation between Bob and Michele, I sent him signals to honor and to
respect and allow into fruition her romantic, poetic beauty - the
magnificent spiritual bounty I saw in her, the nightlike caressing fog,
the cavern hid in a treasure isle - so that it could blossom. I did not
intend to have a relationship with her, even though I fell in love with
what I was seeing (and what she confirmed in our correspondence with
her words). What I intended, despite my feelings for her, was that the
poetic within her could be allowed to manifest in her situation. When
the signals to that effect were repulsed - and when Bob continued
insisting, on the Internet and in conversation, that the poetic beauty
in her was a pose, or childishness, or narcissism, or immaturity - then
I simply had to move in. Why? BECAUSE I REFUSE TO STAND BY TO SEE
PEOPLE DESTROY THE POETIC AND THE ROMANTIC IN THOSE WHO HAVE CAPACITY
FOR SUCH THINGS. Why is that? Because it is that - the poetic and the
romantic - that lead to a life worth living - that creates the most
wisdom and best literary and artistic works - that gives highest
experience of life, and leads to a way of living that is rich, soulful,
passionate, wise, and appreciative of the world in which we exist and
lives consistent with its splendor and the inner gifts we possess. That
brings alive the profound, the inspired, and the magnificent within the
human being and enriches the world with its consummation while also
leading the person most directly to experience life and human
experience in all its magnificence.
And this is my final line on the subject and one I would defend to any
angel, any demon, any demagogue, any lawyer, any astrologer, any
citizen or God almighty.
More silliness? The idea that I saw her as a mother figure. That's
plainly ridiculous. First of all, she was younger than me. If there is
someone with whom I saw her as being similar, it's MLR, with whom I had
first experienced the kind of incredible romantic beauty I've been
talking about, and which beauty essentially inspired me for life. Now
Michele had an incredible amount of similarity to to MLR - similarity
that far exceeded chance, and whose odds were made still more
improbable by the fact that Michele and I started corresponding right
as I, after Layo left me, was trying to recapture that beauty. As
Michele had had a relationship with similar kind of romance and poetry
and magnificence - with someone from Bulgaria, no less - it was only
correct that we would seek to tap into the spirit that had inspired us
and share it with one another. Especially given the improbability -
what I would say the miraculousness - surrounding the whole
circumstance.
"You act like a child." Well, yeah. Given that it was my deliberate
purpose at the time to regress myself through all the previous ego
states in order to harness their energy, that is not an observation
that required a lot of intelligence to make. Given that she kept going
spontaneously between different ego states and different mindsets and
different personality manifestations, in a more easily clear and
identifiable and unpredictable and indeed startling manner than I've
ever seen in any human being, she could have shown more understanding.
There were things she wrote on the Internet which were, indeed,
slander - slander refuted by statements she made privately, and which I
do not care to address. However there is something I will address, and
that is, accusations that I was the cause of her death.
In our correspondence, Michele told me that she had been dying for a
long time. She said she had been suicidal since she was a child, and
made attempts on her life throughout her adulthood as well. During her
relationship with Bob, he kept threatening to kill himself. Instead he
came close to killing her - and blamed it on me.
After the big breakup, I called someone who used to post to alt.angst.
She said that I'd saved the lives of both Bob and Michele, because the
way they were going he was going to kill her and then kill himself.
Whether or not that was true, it is clear that she was in danger, and
that danger grew the longer she was with Bob.
In 2002, long after she'd sent me away and became a mistress of a
professor, Michele had one crisis after another. First it was her
overdose and hospitalization; then, while I was with you-know-who,
Bob's pretending through his wife's account to have killed himself and,
soon after that, her rape. I supported her through all of these things.
We had some interesting conversations ("Why did imagination evolve?"
"In order to come up with solutions before the rational brain.") I
wanted to go down to New York and shoot the men who raped her, but
Julia talked me out of it.
However on the Internet she kept insisting on being vicious and nasty
toward me. Maybe it was a part of her Internet persona; maybe it was
pandering. Maybe it was what an open soul does when confronted with
a mindset that wraps bubble-like around the mind and keeps it
refracting upon itself and refracting everything to falsehood that is
self-perpetuating. However, it was unacceptable, and I cut her off.
Was I the cause of her death? No, I was her last friend. I supported
her when everyone else treated her like trash. And the blame for her
death, if it had anything to do with goings-on here (and I greatly
doubt it), belongs squarely with the shapers of the bubble and the
poison and lies to which they subjected Michele.
Ilya Shambat
(memorial homepage of the deceased containing her writings:
http://www.geocities.com/mswiegandrip)
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| User: "John Jones" |
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| Title: Re: Faith and FANG |
25 Feb 2005 02:52:58 PM |
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Now that you've been discussing your new Bathroom Design for a while,
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these different options. They're worth a close look!
Finishing Touches to Your Newly Remodeled Bath
=B7 Add a simple detail, such as a shelf along one wall, to display
framed prints or small collectibles like perfume bottles.
=B7 Fill antique bowls or shaving mugs with pretty toiletries, such as
soaps or bath salts.
=B7 If you have room, consider adding a piece of outdoor furniture like
a wicker chair or table.
=B7 Add accent lighting like a low-voltage strip of lights around the
top edge of the wall tile.
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entire wall with mirrored cabinets. They will make the room look
significantly more open.
=B7 Colorwash wood cabinets.
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vanity.
Mix and match colors by using a light-colored stain for the background
and then applying a brighter color to some of the drawers.
=B7 Add fresh flowers or flowering plants to the room. Bathroom
remodeling is not only about concrete and cement!
=B7 Seek out unusual vessels, such as wall vases, old watering cans or
window boxes to hold your favorite flora. If your bathroom has a linen
closet with a door, replace the door with a framed trellis or a
reproduction of a Victorian screen door.
=B7 Attach a beveled mirror to the wall over the sink and frame it with
tiles.
You can use a selection of mix-and-match tiles or try some colorful
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In order to minimize or eliminate this effect:
- Use warm-colored floors. Use the softening effect of warm-colored
floors to offset the cool looks of fixtures.=20
Hope this helps.
JJ
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: Faith and FANG |
25 Feb 2005 05:54:12 PM |
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On Fri, 25 Feb 2005 ilya_shambat wrote of Michele:
[...]
More absurdity? "If I cannot live for myself then I cannot
live." My response: What horrible way of thinking is that?
Dammit Ilya, it's bad enough you hounded and stalked someone
who had obvious weaknesses into killing herself, how dare you
defame her memory to make your silly "points".
I'm sure you think she should have lived for YOU, i.e. to
gratify your neurotic little needs, but everybody who knows
you except you yourself understands why that just won't go:
given a choice between Ilya Shambat and a quiet suicide, to
pick you would be a sign of serious mental impairment.
[...]
You shove your goals down people's throat and essentially
bludgeon them into regarding these goals to be their own.
This is exactly what you tried to do with Michele: to shove
your goals and your ideas down her throat and bludgeon her
into internalizing them. You hypocritical little turd.
[...]
BECAUSE I REFUSE TO STAND BY TO SEE PEOPLE DESTROY THE POETIC
AND THE ROMANTIC IN THOSE WHO HAVE CAPACITY FOR SUCH THINGS.
THE WAY YOU DESTROYED THE POETIC AND THE ROMANTIC IN MICHELE?
She asked you to go away and leave her alone. She told us she
asked you to go away and leave her alone. We asked you to go
away and leave her alone. But you refused to stop hounding her.
SO SHUT UP ABOUT HER, YOU WANKING VAMPIRE.
Will someone please bring me the head of Ilya Shambat?
D.
--
"Old whores don't giggle much."
....................................................................
(C) 2005 TheDavid^TM | David, P.O. Box 21403, Louisville, KY 40221
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