I only have this reply, Rhi, to read Denise's post...kinda weird, if I talk
to you both.
Here;s how i'll do it. I'll just say I love this conversation , I love
denises post and your reply.

Ugh, I know, now we're 3 fairy tale believers, talkin about God.

You're a good person, L. Hope whatever is going on leads somewhere great.
It will, you know.
well, maybe you don't know, but it will.

Frett/Brian

I only have this reply, Rhi, to read Denise's post...kinda weird, if I talk
to you both.
Here;s how i'll do it. I'll just say I love this conversation , I love
denises post and your reply.
I dig you, denise, questioning your advice to your friend from Michigan.
Sounds like something I do. When I do it, I say, "what an ***** I am,
why do I have to question everything I do....."

but to hear you do it, it sounds really human.

Ugh, I know, now we're 3 fairy tale believers, talkin about God.
But what the Hell else is there to do?/ so Wendy freaked when you said
your intentions were that she get out of His way, let Him do His job...
pretty cool. I have heard that, somewhere.
With me, and my racing brain, I just think over 30 years, a lot of the
world didn't make any sense, and "He" did. (I'm being pelted with eggs)
What happens, when I admit Faith, the world sees me in real life (or in
e-text life), and compares what I 'should' be like because of what I stand
on, with what I often behave like. The insensitive anger (you may have
noticed), or 1000 more defects.
Another thing that I presume happens to me (more when I was a loud new
believer) is that my family knows my diagnosis. So if I talk of God, it's
just another illusion. Delusion, I guess.
But ya know what is weird? I came home 30 years ago spewing my discovery.
I remember actually sitting with my old man and saying, "what is really
important, the whole point of Christianity, is The Resurection...." and
the old man giving me a bit of a drunken smirk. I always remembered that
as me screwing up, ya know, he changed my diapers, and here I am preaching
AT him, really. I remember it as typical of new enthusiasts, before life
continued without my begged for lottery win.
But now, the family is booze-free (except me and my slips), the old man
went out last year after saying a prayer with me face to face, my mother,
one sister and one brother are 'on the goodfoot' for many years now.
Maybe I sowed a seed.

Maybe you sowed a seed with wendy, that you may or may not ever see the
fruit of.
Faith. What a trip.
"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:fbroim$2m6$1@news.datemas.de...

"arethusa" <denise@onlyaret.net> wrote in message
news:pdl1e3lvbmqmuih3l745fteatjhh92ij6b@4ax.com...

Do you ever want to just drive? I love to drive. I'm good at it,
too. I'm not really good at many things. Like, I suck at math and
relationships. I can't write poetry that rhymes. And I don't handle
stress well. I get mad and mean when I'm stressed. I can't name the
stars, I only know that I love them. I only know how to play the
chords of E, A, D, and G on the guitar, and I forget A most of the
time. I can't draw pictures and I really suck at spatial
relationships.

But I'm a good driver. Mostly I love to drive at night. There's
always a sense of expectation and a journey begun when I drive at
night, even if I'm only going to Walmart. I love how the night
embraces me and the car. It holds me tight and keeps me safe.

I want to get in the car and drive right now. I want to be held by
something, even if it's just the false safety of the night.

I used to. Til I had to give up my car. I mourned. Not so much for the
car. I mean, it's a hunk of metal and glass. It was a beautiful hunk of
metal and glass and it was *mine* (the first big thing I ever bought on
my own all by myself) but really I was mourning the loss of freedom. The
loss of nights like the one you're describing when I could just be. In
the dark, in control, with the radio on, alone with my thoughts, going
somewhere, even if it was nowhere, I was doing *something*, I had a
purpose. And suddenly it was gone. It took me a long while to get over
that, but I did. Now I just do the same thing in other ways. One of
them is walking. I love to be alone with my thoughts while I walk. And
I almost always meet someone interesting a long the way.

My friend Wendy from Michigan called me today. I weirded her out when
I told her I'd pray that she gets out of God's way so He can do
whatever He has planned for her. I think I was talking about myself.
I want to get out of my own way so whatever is coming will come
without having to fight me. That probably doesn't make sense to
anyone but me.

It makes perfect sense to me Denise. As I was about to say I often let
Him do the driving I realized it fits in with your driving theme as well.
Ha! But yeah I really get this.

But I get in my own way all the time. I'm always
tripping over myself, over-thinking things, setting traps for myself.
I have fallen from grace and don't think I'll ever find my way back to
it again. I'll survive, I'll keep going, but it's different when you
don't want to, when you feel as if you *have* to persevere. This is
not going to work. I feel it. But what can I do? I have to just
keep plodding through until it plays itself out.

I can relate, thanks for saying all that, cause I don't know the
circumstances, but I can relate to the feelings.

I just feel so

damn
sad. The night is not tender tonight. It's hollow and the shell of
it is too hard to allow me to burrow into it and hide.

I have been feeling damn sad for weeks now. The past ten years have been
filled with loss. Overwhelming, sometimes crippling loss. Everything has
been taken from me. Beyond my control. And I deal with all in the best
way I can but yeah it's damn sad. And now my world is turning upside
down. I am walking away from my life. Everything is changing. And I'm
really scared. And I feel like if I do the driving right now I'm gonna
crash, so once again I'm getting out of His way.

Ohboy, you think like me. Denise!!! Well, at least you are not really
alone. Because there is a guy up North who can identify with what you are
saying.

I told Wendy that I think I was supposed to learn that I carry my home
inside of me, that I am always at home wherever I may be. But I think
I lied to her. If it was the truth, wouldn't I be less sad all the
time? Wouldn't I feel better than I do? I still have that "I want to
go home now" refrain playing over and over in my head.

I think I always, always will.

Man, I told my shrink and a few other listeners that I was saying in my
head, "I just want to go home" and I don't know where that is really
anymore. I used to wonder if my parents missed their homes, where they
were born. But one was next door, and the other was a block away, so it
was easy to at least drive by.

Maybe. But just maybe you will find the answer before always. I hope
you do if that's what will bring you inner peace. It sounds to me like
you're on the right path and as long as you listen to that voice that
whispers to you "it's time to get out of the way" you're going to be
okay. I'm going to prayer for you too Denise if that's okay with you.
Hang in there and take care of you. :-)

You're a good person, L. Hope whatever is going on leads somewhere great.
It will, you know.
well, maybe you don't know, but it will.

Frett/Brian

--
Rhi

"Franz Bestuchev" <franz.bestuchev@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:5kd85fF36bg2U3@mid.individual.net...

On 9/6/2007 10:40 PM, arethusa was all like:

Do you ever want to just drive? I love to drive. I'm good at it,
too. I'm not really good at many things. Like, I suck at math and
relationships. I can't write poetry that rhymes. And I don't

handle

stress well. I get mad and mean when I'm stressed. I can't name

the

stars, I only know that I love them. I only know how to play the
chords of E, A, D, and G on the guitar, and I forget A most of the
time. I can't draw pictures and I really suck at spatial
relationships.

But I'm a good driver. Mostly I love to drive at night. There's
always a sense of expectation and a journey begun when I drive at
night, even if I'm only going to Walmart. I love how the night
embraces me and the car. It holds me tight and keeps me safe.

I *used to*, now gas prices make it a buzzkill.

my lawnmower gets 1500 square feet to a full tank