I really love how insipid some commercials are. Specifically the ones that
advertise a new way to do something by showing you how hard any given task
used to be.

I really love how insipid some commercials are. Specifically the ones that
advertise a new way to do something by showing you how hard any given task
used to be.

Look how hard it has always been to flip a pancake! You can burn your arm,
set your child on fire, or the hot pancake can land on your cat, blinding
the poor beast. Well no more of that, try the new...

Is this the way you are used to draining spaghetti?

Lifting that oh so
heavy pot of water that could burn your arm, leaving you sitting in the
local hospital's burn ward talking to all the injured pancake flippers. And
then, because you are a neurological wreck that can't be trusted to tie a
shoelace without hurting yourself, you spill all the spaghetti into the
sink instead of into that old fashioned colander. Oh no! Now dinner is
ruined, and instead of waiting 10 minutes for more pasta to cook, your
teenage son is going to storm out of the house saying he is going to
McDonalds, but he's really going to the inner city to buy crack! Those
days are long gone with the new...

Look how many hours it takes to thread a needle, especially because we
assume you are too stupid to use the needle threader that comes with nearly
every sewing kit sold. How many times will you stab yourself in the eye?
And oh no... you've taken so long that your teenage daughter's prom dress
isn't ready and she storms out of the house saying she is going to a
friend's house to borrow a dress, but she's really going to the inner city
to buy crack and she'll come home pregnant! How are you going to care for
your drug addicted daughter and a new child when you're blind? Well don't
even bother any more...

Have you ever tried rolling up a standard garden hose? Not even a team
NASA scientists can do it without ruining the hose, the lawn, and their
reputations in the neighborhood. How long are you going to put up with
your yuppie neighbors standing in their yards laughing as you attempt to do
something that even a team of NASA scientists can't do? Oh no, look! Your
new puppy has been tangled in the hose and all your tugging has broken it's
neck! End all that frustration with the new...

Have you found yourself struggling with an old fashioned tape measure, only
to become so frustrated that you bludgeon your wife to within an inch of
her life and then call all your friends to vent and they agree that it's a
tough prospect because, naturally, all your friends are as stupid as you
are? Well here's your new neighbor, who is much smarter than you and won't
be your friend unless you wise up and try the new...