"BGumm" <bgumm@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040725183801.25456.00002074@mb-m29.aol.com...
I haven't felt this way in a long time.......I hate it. My kids are older
now....but when they were younger and would go off on the weekends with
their
dad who had the money and the means to do all the FUN stuff that I
couldn't
afford.....I hated it. I would hear about it. I would see it when they
brought
home all the expensive things. Things I couldn't afford. Jealous. Yep.
I
was. I was grateful in a way too because I couldn't buy those things. So
they
atleast had them. I was angry too because he knew I couldn't do it. It
was
almost like a slap in the face. I worked but I couldn't bring those kinds
of
things home. Even with combined income with my second husband, we could
not do
those kinds of things. We were raising three kids, mortgage---bills,
doctor
bills, etc. The most we were able to do was go on vacation once a year.
Even
those I planned out to the last dollar.
So here we are years later. My daughter goes off to her rich father's
house
this weekend. He has a new boyfriend. A youngun. Half his age. Toyboy.
Yeah I am sarcastic. They are having a party weekend. All those same old
emotions come back. You know I am a ***** because he works for his money
too.
He works darned hard. I know some of his money comes from inheritance but
hey
that is all in the course of life also. It is just I feel so second best
at
times. It just all comes back at me. I was the one that disciplined. I
was?
Still am I should say. I am the one that goes from paycheck to paycheck.
I am
the one that doesn't live in a fancy house. I am the one that doesn't
have
money to hand out. I don't have those fancy cars. I don't have I don't
have I
don't have I don't have.
My daughter makes this VERY plain to me quite often......
I will never catch up.
Not unless I hit the lottery....har har har.....
Maybe I want some vindication once in a while. This person HURT ME. I
RAISED
YOU. I RAISED YOUR BROTHER. I TOOK CARE OF YOU 24/7. I DID IT ALL.
Maybe
that is what I am after. I could never say those things. That would be
horrible. But maybe that is what I am after. Maybe I want acknowledged
that
this MAN they REVERE so much has hurt me so badly and LEFT THEM for his
own
selfish reasons and I DID GO ANYWHERE. I STAYED. I NEVER LEFT. I WANTED
THEM
ALWAYS TO BE WITH ME. Maybe I want one of my kids to ONE time to come up
to me
and say I UNDERSTAND MOM and thank you. YOU are BETTER.
HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?
WOW.
That is screwed up.
<sigh>
Becky
"I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild;
when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and
moody. And in all its moods, I see myself."
-Martin Buxbaum
One day your children will acknowledge your efforts unless they grow up with
their eyes closed.
Wait until the day comes that they need to be self sacrificing, then they
will know first handed
what you went through.
You can rest assured, even though you couldn't give them a lot, you never
took away
what you could give them. You don't live in a fancy house, but you kept a
roof over your
kids heads. That's better than a lot of people, including myself. I can't
keep it together
long enough to stay in one place, I lost my children. So, your already twice
the person I am.
You have happy, healthy children. You have done your job well. Be proud.
S.I.
.
