I have (had?) a good male friend at work who just baffles me. Wednesday

had a pretty cool conversation and I was thinking after that crappy as my
life is, I'm glad he's a friend.

Thursday morning he comes in my office and starts this whole debate on is
anger a learned emotion or innate? I should explain here that while we

a lot of quai-philosophical debates of this kind, he was "getting in my
*****" here and he had to know it. I'm a survivor of violent crime and I

to go back into therapy for a while earlier this year after a
developmentally disabled man grabbed me on the sidewalk and wouldn't let

My friend is in therapy too right now being treated for a phobia.

So I was trying to explain to him that anger can be part of the "flight or
fight" instinct and anger in and of itself is natural and it's how you
channel it that makes a difference and he was being really stubborn about
refusing to see my side. (Not that he had to agree, mind you, but I felt
like he wasn't making any attempt to consider another perspective.) I

to appeal to his own experience that if the 'flight' component can get

up into a phobia, maybe people can get stuck in the 'fight' part and end

with PTSD. He sneered at the whole idea.

All the talk about fear/anger in life-threatening situations got to me and

guess I had some kind of panic attack. I just felt this huge adrenaline
surge and I managed to control it but as that ebbed away I felt tears in

eyes. Kind of like when you were too scared to cry but when it's over you
fall apart and can't really say why? I told him I couldn't talk about the
topic anymore just then and went to my office to pull myself together. He
left a while later (my office is near the exit) without saying goodnight
like he usually does.

So Friday I apologized for having to end our conversation so abruptly and

said there was nothing to apologize for. Good. We left the topic alone,
things seemed normal, then later in the day, he's suddenly resentful and
it's because I just 'love to argue'. Well, I do like a good debate, but
that's different from an argument. And he's always liked it too. So I
caught his eye as if to say, "Hey, I'm not mad at you - why are you mad at
me?" He just stared me down. At the end of the day, I wished him a happy
4th and he didn't say anything, just left in huff.

I'm so sad. I have no clue what went wrong. I don't have many friends I
really trust and he's been one. I've had other friendships just
mysteriously go to hell like this in the past and I can't help but wonder

I'm socially retarded or something. I'm dreading the return to work
tomorrow. Maybe I can hide in my office all day with the door shut, but I
can't do that indefinitely and I don't want to fight with him - especially
when I have no clue what we're fighting about.

then don't be lead into fighting

I have (had?) a good male friend at work who just baffles me.

had a pretty cool conversation and I was thinking after that crappy

life is, I'm glad he's a friend.

Thursday morning he comes in my office and starts this whole debate

anger a learned emotion or innate? I should explain here that while

a lot of quai-philosophical debates of this kind, he was "getting in

*****" here and he had to know it. I'm a survivor of violent crime

to go back into therapy for a while earlier this year after a
developmentally disabled man grabbed me on the sidewalk and wouldn't

My friend is in therapy too right now being treated for a phobia.

So I was trying to explain to him that anger can be part of the

fight" instinct and anger in and of itself is natural and it's how

channel it that makes a difference and he was being really stubborn

refusing to see my side. (Not that he had to agree, mind you, but I

like he wasn't making any attempt to consider another perspective.)

to appeal to his own experience that if the 'flight' component can

up into a phobia, maybe people can get stuck in the 'fight' part and

with PTSD. He sneered at the whole idea.

All the talk about fear/anger in life-threatening situations got to

guess I had some kind of panic attack. I just felt this huge

surge and I managed to control it but as that ebbed away I felt

eyes. Kind of like when you were too scared to cry but when it's

fall apart and can't really say why? I told him I couldn't talk

topic anymore just then and went to my office to pull myself

left a while later (my office is near the exit) without saying

like he usually does.

So Friday I apologized for having to end our conversation so

said there was nothing to apologize for. Good. We left the topic

things seemed normal, then later in the day, he's suddenly resentful

it's because I just 'love to argue'. Well, I do like a good debate,

that's different from an argument. And he's always liked it too.

caught his eye as if to say, "Hey, I'm not mad at you - why are you

me?" He just stared me down. At the end of the day, I wished him a

4th and he didn't say anything, just left in huff.

I'm so sad. I have no clue what went wrong. I don't have many

really trust and he's been one. I've had other friendships just
mysteriously go to hell like this in the past and I can't help but

I'm socially retarded or something. I'm dreading the return to work
tomorrow. Maybe I can hide in my office all day with the door shut,

can't do that indefinitely and I don't want to fight with him -

when I have no clue what we're fighting about.