Hi All,
I've been lurking here for a while. You folks seem to be pretty close,

ruffle each others feathers.
I'd like to run something by the group. I think I know the answers, I

hear them from someone else. In my mind I can but..but..but myself into

It's a long story so bear with me.

First off, I'm 42 years old. I didn't realize until 1991 that i had

low grade depression most of my life. My family is a little screwed up but

abused physically or otherwise.
I married my first wife in 1989 and we had 2 kids. In 1992 things went

She had mental health issues (PTSD and MPD). I went into a downward spiral

depression and panic attacks. Prozac and therapy helped immensely although

depression has come and gone ever since. I learned all I could about her

my own) and tried to be supportive and compassionate. After 4 years of

found out that, among other things, she was gay and having an affair. We

"friendly" divorce, yeah right. Shortly afterword I was charged with

year old daughter(Wife was able to manipulate the MH system who in turn

daughter). The truth finally came out and I was cleared of the charges and

went through in 1997.(I had married a minor figure in her "troop"of 25

Since that time, her situation has improved and we actually have a good

relationship dealing with the kids. After that whole ordeal I actually

for it. Even though very painful, it was a learning experience. I swore I

EVER get involved again with someone who had "issues".

Toward the end of that ordeal I met Cindy. She was going through a

started spending time together and eventually fell in love. She seemed to

genuinely nice, kind person. She was a very giving young lady, and

children as if they were her own. She had a bouncy, almost childlike

just won my heart. We dated for some time and were married in late 1999.

dating I found out that she had been abused in an earlier relationship,

emotionally, and sexually. She also came from an extremely dysfunctional

was in nursing school and was working toward a career, and getting

past issues. By then I had fallen in love and my "no issues" requirement

window.

You know the old saying "Everything happens for a reason". It seemed to

reason God had me go through the things I had with my first wife was to

Cindy. Things weren't as crazy, but there are things about living with

victim that most people don't understand. My heart told me that she was a

deserved to be given love and support.

While doing her Clinicals she injured her back and had to drop out. She

devastated and it seemed to undo everything positive she had done to

past. The damage to her back was permanent and painful. Her insecurities,

nightmares, etc. all came back in force. She was on heavy doses of

relaxers, and Neurontin. I watched her spiral down into depression and

drug abuse, perpetuated by a manipulative sister.(Comical note: I loved

It made her unspeakably horny). Every few months she would disappear

come home from work and she would be gone. Her leaving would always be due

problem that she could never quite explain. One time she felt that I was

abusive, but could not tell me what the "abuse" was. (I don't think I have

abusive. I don't do violence or yelling, or put downs). Each time she

and I would eventually take her back. We separated in early 2001 and I

from her for 10 months. During that time I filed for divorce and it was

before Christmas of that year. I should have been done with her then, in

During all of this time I had problems with depression and panic

devastated every time she would leave. I loved her so much in spite of the

that I couldn't let go. When things were good I couldn't have asked for a

partner and the love and support she gave seemed so real. I had been on

depressants since '92 and they worked wonders, but they don't make you

She called me just after the divorce was final, she had never come to

full of regret over the failure of our marriage. She said her sister

convinced Cindy that she couldn't get Disability for her back unless she

eventually found out it was untrue and by then was afraid to call me. I

and we got back together. Things went well for about a year, we even

getting remarried.Then same ole, same ole. She convinced herself that I

on her. Nothing I could do would convince her otherwise. She started

left for good in April 2003. I felt like such a damn fool. I bottomed out

and started drinking heavily. By December 2003 I had gotten 2 DWI's and

everything. I don't blame this on her, it was entirely my own doing. I

drinking and am trying to get my life back on track.
I hear from Cindy about once every month or so, even to this day. I seem

become her safety net. When she gets down, she knows she can call me. I

seem to turn my back on her.
She got involved with a guy and was remarried about a year ago. He

I hear all kinds of bad things about him. (I don't know if they are true,

met him and he seems to have "Loser" tattooed on his forehead). Basically

like crap. We spent some time together in August. She was trying to work

courage to get rid of this guy, but she felt sorry for him (ex-con, no

family, no place to live, etc.) Thats one thing about her. She is so

being "mean" to people that she hurts herself. But she can't see when she

someone pain. Although I still had feelings for her, I was wary about

emotionally involved. I helped her out financially and gave her a spare

no use for. (Hubby has never had a license and had gotten stopped. His car

impounded). She didn't ask, I offered. She seemed ready to take control of

and I just wanted to help her achieve that. Well, it fell through and

Luckily I didn't get emotionally involved this time, well maybe a little

fling).Things arent going to change in her life until she decides to

That's the story, sorry about the length.

I am currently unemployed (15 months)and have been extremely depressed

to the point of being suicidal.I've got a lot on my plate emotionally.

failure, uselesness,lonliness and not being able to see a future for

Holidays are making it harder to deal with. I had to stop seing my Pdoc

could no longer afford it. He hooked me up with multiple refills on my

referred me to a non profit place close to here. I'm trying hard to take

myself but some times it feels futile.

Here's my quandry. Like I said, I know the answer but I need to hear it

else. Cindy called again on Monday. We only talked for a minute, she

when a good time to call me would be, wondered how I was doing, etc, She

vague mention about her husband. I figure I'll hear from her in a few

My gut says"Run like hell, tell her to get lost. You don't need her

of your own".
My heart says " Talk to her. Let her know you care. Your expression of

make a difference. It may also be to your emotional benefit".

My relationship with her has come at a cost, I know that all to well. I

better. The problem is, It is so hard to let go of that beautiful person

in love with and have seen through the years.. That person who is still

all of that crap and seems to be trying to claw her way out. I don't have

illusions that I can "save" her, any more than a relationship will "save"

don't want to be absent when she finally reaches out for help. I want to

hold out my hand and maybe see the real Cindy overcome.

Any comments?? Thanks for reading, Tom

My gut says"Run like hell, tell her to get lost. You don't need her problems on top
of your own".
My heart says " Talk to her. Let her know you care. Your expression of caring might
make a difference. It may also be to your emotional benefit".

My relationship with her has come at a cost, I know that all to well. I know I deserve
better. The problem is, It is so hard to let go of that beautiful person that I fell
in love with and have seen through the years.. That person who is still there under
all of that crap and seems to be trying to claw her way out. I don't have any
illusions that I can "save" her, any more than a relationship will "save" me.I just
don't want to be absent when she finally reaches out for help. I want to be there to
hold out my hand and maybe see the real Cindy overcome.

Any comments?? Thanks for reading, Tom

Hi All,
I've been lurking here for a while. You folks seem to be pretty close, even when you
ruffle each others feathers.

Any comments??

Hi All,
I've been lurking here for a while. You folks seem to be pretty close,
even when you ruffle each others feathers.
I'd like to run something by the group. I think I know the answers, I
just need to hear them from someone else. In my mind I can but..but..but
myself into confusion. It's a long story so bear with me.

First off, I'm 42 years old. I didn't realize until 1991 that i had
suffered from low grade depression most of my life. My family is a little
screwed up but I was never abused physically or otherwise.
I married my first wife in 1989 and we had 2 kids. In 1992 things went
REALLY bad. She had mental health issues (PTSD and MPD). I went into a
downward spiral with depression and panic attacks. Prozac and therapy
helped immensely although the depression has come and gone ever since. I
learned all I could about her problems (and my own) and tried to be
supportive and compassionate. After 4 years of pure hell I found out that,
among other things, she was gay and having an affair. We discussed a
"friendly" divorce, yeah right. Shortly afterword I was charged with
molesting my 4 year old daughter(Wife was able to manipulate the MH system
who in turn manipulated my daughter). The truth finally came out and I was
cleared of the charges and the divorce went through in 1997.(I had married
a minor figure in her "troop"of 25 personalities). Since that time, her
situation has improved and we actually have a good working relationship
dealing with the kids. After that whole ordeal I actually felt stronger
for it. Even though very painful, it was a learning experience. I swore I
would NEVER EVER get involved again with someone who had "issues".

Toward the end of that ordeal I met Cindy. She was going through a
divorce also. We started spending time together and eventually fell in
love. She seemed to be a genuinely nice, kind person. She was a very
giving young lady, and accepted my children as if they were her own. She
had a bouncy, almost childlike personality that just won my heart. We
dated for some time and were married in late 1999. While we were dating I
found out that she had been abused in an earlier relationship, physically,
emotionally, and sexually. She also came from an extremely dysfunctional
family.She was in nursing school and was working toward a career, and
getting counselling for her past issues. By then I had fallen in love and
my "no issues" requirement was out the window.

You know the old saying "Everything happens for a reason". It seemed to
me that the reason God had me go through the things I had with my first
wife was to prepare me for Cindy. Things weren't as crazy, but there are
things about living with an abuse victim that most people don't
understand. My heart told me that she was a person who deserved to be
given love and support.

While doing her Clinicals she injured her back and had to drop out. She
was devastated and it seemed to undo everything positive she had done to
overcome her past. The damage to her back was permanent and painful. Her
insecurities, mistrust, nightmares, etc. all came back in force. She was
on heavy doses of Oxycontin, muscle relaxers, and Neurontin. I watched her
spiral down into depression and prescription drug abuse, perpetuated by a
manipulative sister.(Comical note: I loved the Neurontin. It made her
unspeakably horny). Every few months she would disappear unexpectedly, I'd
come home from work and she would be gone. Her leaving would always be due
to some problem that she could never quite explain. One time she felt that
I was being abusive, but could not tell me what the "abuse" was. (I don't
think I have ever been abusive. I don't do violence or yelling, or put
downs). Each time she would call me and I would eventually take her back.
We separated in early 2001 and I didn't hear from her for 10 months.
During that time I filed for divorce and it was final just before
Christmas of that year. I should have been done with her then, in
retrospect.

During all of this time I had problems with depression and panic attacks.
I would be devastated every time she would leave. I loved her so much in
spite of the problems that I couldn't let go. When things were good I
couldn't have asked for a better life partner and the love and support she
gave seemed so real. I had been on anti depressants since '92 and they
worked wonders, but they don't make you bullet proof.

She called me just after the divorce was final, she had never come to
court, and was full of regret over the failure of our marriage. She said
her sister (remember her) convinced Cindy that she couldn't get Disability
for her back unless she left me. She eventually found out it was untrue
and by then was afraid to call me. I fell for it and we got back together.
Things went well for about a year, we even talked about getting
remarried.Then same ole, same ole. She convinced herself that I was
cheating on her. Nothing I could do would convince her otherwise. She
started leaving again and left for good in April 2003. I felt like such a
damn fool. I bottomed out emotionally and started drinking heavily. By
December 2003 I had gotten 2 DWI's and lost everything. I don't blame this
on her, it was entirely my own doing. I have since quit drinking and am
trying to get my life back on track.
I hear from Cindy about once every month or so, even to this day. I seem
to have become her safety net. When she gets down, she knows she can call
me. I just can't seem to turn my back on her.
She got involved with a guy and was remarried about a year ago. He
doesn't work and I hear all kinds of bad things about him. (I don't know
if they are true, but I have met him and he seems to have "Loser" tattooed
on his forehead). Basically they live like crap. We spent some time
together in August. She was trying to work up the courage to get rid of
this guy, but she felt sorry for him (ex-con, no friends, no family, no
place to live, etc.) Thats one thing about her. She is so worried about
being "mean" to people that she hurts herself. But she can't see when she
truly causes someone pain. Although I still had feelings for her, I was
wary about getting emotionally involved. I helped her out financially and
gave her a spare car that I had no use for. (Hubby has never had a license
and had gotten stopped. His car got impounded). She didn't ask, I offered.
She seemed ready to take control of her life and I just wanted to help her
achieve that. Well, it fell through and nothing changed. Luckily I didn't
get emotionally involved this time, well maybe a little (we had a
fling).Things arent going to change in her life until she decides to
change them.

That's the story, sorry about the length.

I am currently unemployed (15 months)and have been extremely depressed
lately. Almost to the point of being suicidal.I've got a lot on my plate
emotionally. Feelings of failure, uselesness,lonliness and not being able
to see a future for myself. The Holidays are making it harder to deal
with. I had to stop seing my Pdoc because I could no longer afford it. He
hooked me up with multiple refills on my scripts and referred me to a non
profit place close to here. I'm trying hard to take care of myself but
some times it feels futile.

Here's my quandry. Like I said, I know the answer but I need to hear it
from someone else. Cindy called again on Monday. We only talked for a
minute, she wanted to know when a good time to call me would be, wondered
how I was doing, etc, She made some vague mention about her husband. I
figure I'll hear from her in a few days.

My gut says"Run like hell, tell her to get lost. You don't need her
problems on top of your own".
My heart says " Talk to her. Let her know you care. Your expression of
caring might make a difference. It may also be to your emotional benefit".

My relationship with her has come at a cost, I know that all to well. I
know I deserve better. The problem is, It is so hard to let go of that
beautiful person that I fell in love with and have seen through the
years.. That person who is still there under all of that crap and seems to
be trying to claw her way out. I don't have any illusions that I can
"save" her, any more than a relationship will "save" me.I just don't want
to be absent when she finally reaches out for help. I want to be there to
hold out my hand and maybe see the real Cindy overcome.

Any comments?? Thanks for reading, Tom