| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"" |
| Date: |
14 Jul 2004 10:54:01 AM |
| Object: |
First post-wanted to share |
Hi. This is my first post. I have been dx bp for a few years now, but have initially shrugged off the idea. Mental disorder was a cop out for me and a sign of weakness in the personality.
I am just not coming to terms with the idea that I am going to accept the dx. Initially, I paid no attention. Then about 1 1/2 years ago, I again was in a spot and just could not take anymore. I went back to the idea of the original dx and saw another doctor who seemed to agree with the initial dx. I then of vourse had an argument with the doctor and had to find a new one, who again agreed. Because of meds, I have been feeling better over this time frame. My husband had been sent to war and recently came back. We have been having very many problems because he says I am not the same person. Which is true to a point, my moods are much more stable, even if they are diluted.
Anyhow, the last few months I have been watching listservs and what not regarding bp and have come to the conclusion, that as much as I don't want to admit it, I am classic.
When I was younger, I used to write a lot to sort out my mind, and I've wanted to for years, but haven't been able to. Last night, out of nowhere, it was there and I sat down and wrote and I wanted to share it.
I still have poems from when I was 15 - 19 and it is amazing to go back over these thoughts and compare them to what I know now of the disorder. Anyhow, I wanted to share what I was able to write last nite.....
Alone in my journey
My life is a maze
The vessel looks empty
But the engines a blaze
Looks are deceiving
Yet, so is my mind
Impulses I'm receiving
But meaning I can't find
Everything's so black & white
There is no in between
Or am I wrong, and is it gray?
It's been years since I know what I've seen
Stay tuned to what's around me
So I may mimic appropriately
But no matter how I'm behaving
It still makes no sense to me
There seems an initial attraction
To the light surrounding me
But when their minds move closer in
No more do they want to see
I do not understand
The depths of the average mind
Is it less or is it more?
I just know their not my kind
Few around me are truly blessed
To have the soul it takes inside
To really understand the mess
That's troubling my mind
It used to be so scary here
In this never ending craze
But comfort has started to embrace
Thoughts of aloneness filling my days
Where fear and coldness were once places
A soothing wind has blown
I am no longer scared of myself
No longer scared to be alone
My death I no longer wish for
The after life I crave
For I know this twisted game of mine
Will settle in my grave.
This maze is the journey
My creator gave to me
I must learn to appreciate the gift
And make peace with the enemy
I can not blame the others
For avoiding this wretched maze
I've been trapped in it for years
And the rules are still a haze
In ways, I am not so different
Between these other minds and me
I , too, experience emotions of love
But only coupled with great agony
I love so much that I must hide
The very depths of me
People tend to blame themselves
Or look down upon me
So back I gaze,
Watching the masses
So to act appropriately
The trick is to hide
Within the grasses
So they won't be watching me.
BLT
7/13/04
29 years old
.
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| User: "Lisa" |
|
| Title: Re: First post-wanted to share |
14 Jul 2004 11:31:15 AM |
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It's okay.
Having BP does not mean you're not going to be able to function... well, for
the most part. I have a full time job that is immensely rewarding. My
husband has been with me forever. The only major thing BP changed in my life
was my plan to have kids. I chose not to due to the high possibility that my
kids would have for having BP disorder.
I knew there was something really wrong with me when I was about 15. I just
felt everything so much more keenly than anyone else!
With your husband just coming back, I hope you're getting counseling. A
friend of mine is married to an officer in the USMC, and every time he
returns, it's back to counseling. Which is a really good way to hold their
marriage together.
Keep writing. Getting stuff out on paper helps. Also, take whatever meds
your doc prescribes... and if you don't like anything about them, tell the
doc immediately. Build a support network of people who know what's up with
you. There is still unfortunately a social stigma attached to BP Disorder,
but I personally, try to be very open about it. People are usually only
afraid of things they aren't familiar with.
Good luck, hang in there & take care of yourself!
<someone@somedomain.com.invalid> wrote in message
news:tGcJc.78205$%_6.15112@attbi_s01...
Hi. This is my first post. I have been dx bp for a few years now, but have
initially shrugged off the idea. Mental disorder was a cop out for me and a
sign of weakness in the personality.
I am just not coming to terms with the idea that I am going to accept the
dx. Initially, I paid no attention. Then about 1 1/2 years ago, I again was
in a spot and just could not take anymore. I went back to the idea of the
original dx and saw another doctor who seemed to agree with the initial dx.
I then of vourse had an argument with the doctor and had to find a new one,
who again agreed. Because of meds, I have been feeling better over this
time frame. My husband had been sent to war and recently came back. We have
been having very many problems because he says I am not the same person.
Which is true to a point, my moods are much more stable, even if they are
diluted.
Anyhow, the last few months I have been watching listservs and what not
regarding bp and have come to the conclusion, that as much as I don't want
to admit it, I am classic.
When I was younger, I used to write a lot to sort out my mind, and I've
wanted to for years, but haven't been able to. Last night, out of nowhere,
it was there and I sat down and wrote and I wanted to share it.
I still have poems from when I was 15 - 19 and it is amazing to go back
over these thoughts and compare them to what I know now of the disorder.
Anyhow, I wanted to share what I was able to write last nite.....
Alone in my journey
My life is a maze
The vessel looks empty
But the engines a blaze
Looks are deceiving
Yet, so is my mind
Impulses I'm receiving
But meaning I can't find
Everything's so black & white
There is no in between
Or am I wrong, and is it gray?
It's been years since I know what I've seen
Stay tuned to what's around me
So I may mimic appropriately
But no matter how I'm behaving
It still makes no sense to me
There seems an initial attraction
To the light surrounding me
But when their minds move closer in
No more do they want to see
I do not understand
The depths of the average mind
Is it less or is it more?
I just know their not my kind
Few around me are truly blessed
To have the soul it takes inside
To really understand the mess
That's troubling my mind
It used to be so scary here
In this never ending craze
But comfort has started to embrace
Thoughts of aloneness filling my days
Where fear and coldness were once places
A soothing wind has blown
I am no longer scared of myself
No longer scared to be alone
My death I no longer wish for
The after life I crave
For I know this twisted game of mine
Will settle in my grave.
This maze is the journey
My creator gave to me
I must learn to appreciate the gift
And make peace with the enemy
I can not blame the others
For avoiding this wretched maze
I've been trapped in it for years
And the rules are still a haze
In ways, I am not so different
Between these other minds and me
I , too, experience emotions of love
But only coupled with great agony
I love so much that I must hide
The very depths of me
People tend to blame themselves
Or look down upon me
So back I gaze,
Watching the masses
So to act appropriately
The trick is to hide
Within the grasses
So they won't be watching me.
BLT
7/13/04
29 years old
.
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| User: "Whiskers" |
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| Title: Re: First post-wanted to share |
14 Jul 2004 05:53:01 PM |
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On Wed, 14 Jul 2004 15:54:01 +0000, <someone@somedomain.com.invalid>
wrote:
snip
Alone in my journey
My life is a maze
The vessel looks empty
But the engines a blaze
snip
Hello BLT; welcome to ASD :))
Whatever else, you're a poet!
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^
-- Whiskers
-- ~~~~~~~~~~
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