| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Elena" |
| Date: |
12 Nov 2004 09:04:43 AM |
| Object: |
First post...Feeling lost, tired, confused. |
Hi.
I feel a bit awkward typing any of this, but I really don't know where
else to turn at this point... (And I'm really sorry this is so long.)
Long story short... I'm 19, in college, and a single mother to a 3
year old. I almost hesitate to mention these basic things, because
then when I say I'm having the least bit of a hard time, the response
is just that life can be difficult when trying to balance these
things... Which is true, yes, but I feel like I've been down,
depressed, whatever you'd like to call it... for as long as I can
remember. I don't believe it is just situational...
I had terrible eating/self-esteem/food issues in my younger teen years
that I'm just barely getting over... I think those obsessions were
just my way of distracting myself from the depression I was feeling,
but wouldn't accept?
I had a sister who was in and out of hospitals for her own mental
health issues, so the idea of ever speaking up about how I felt was
horrifying to me... I wasn't like her, I wouldn't hurt my family like
she did, and it would just be preceived as me begging for attention
anyway. Who'd take me seriously?
Over the years though, with the food issues somewhat under control
(and therefore less distractions from reality)... It's only gotten
worse, not better. I'm losing control of everything else. Each day is
a battle between emotions and logic... I force myself to continue
school, and wish more than anything that I had the strength to drop
out... I force myself to keep up with the housework, for a few days...
and then I crumble and do nothing but sit in bed reading fairy tales
to my son, ignoring schoolwork, housework, finances, myself...
I would never inflict self-harm, I would not ever do anything that
would endanger my son or my ability to care for him. He's the only
thing that keeps me going and I care about him more than life....
But I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be able to wake
up and look forward to the day? To enjoy it?
I don't know anything about seeking help... I have medicaid, through
New York State... but there's a 1-800 number you have to call and the
idea of talking to a stranger on the phone about this is... almost
unthinkable to me... I don't really have a primary care doctor, not
one that I know, and even if I did, I don't know how I'd talk about
these things without feeling so awkward... I'd just feel like I'm was
complaining, and I don't mean it to come out that way...
I guess my biggest worry is that I will get laughed at and told to
suck it up. There's people much worse off than myself and I'm not
suicidal or anything, just lazy and unmotivated...
Sigh. Kudos to you if you've read this far. Sorry for the rambling,
it's hard to think clearly, let alone write...
Thanks,
Elena
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| User: "Teilhard Knight" |
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| Title: Re: First post...Feeling lost, tired, confused. |
12 Nov 2004 10:17:43 AM |
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"Elena" <nevando37@yahoo.com> escribió en el mensaje
news:1ec18d0e.0411120704.eb8e778@posting.google.com...
Hi.
I feel a bit awkward typing any of this, but I really don't know where
else to turn at this point... (And I'm really sorry this is so long.)
Long story short... I'm 19, in college, and a single mother to a 3
year old. I almost hesitate to mention these basic things, because
then when I say I'm having the least bit of a hard time, the response
is just that life can be difficult when trying to balance these
things... Which is true, yes, but I feel like I've been down,
depressed, whatever you'd like to call it... for as long as I can
remember. I don't believe it is just situational...
I had terrible eating/self-esteem/food issues in my younger teen years
that I'm just barely getting over... I think those obsessions were
just my way of distracting myself from the depression I was feeling,
but wouldn't accept?
I had a sister who was in and out of hospitals for her own mental
health issues, so the idea of ever speaking up about how I felt was
horrifying to me... I wasn't like her, I wouldn't hurt my family like
she did, and it would just be preceived as me begging for attention
anyway. Who'd take me seriously?
Over the years though, with the food issues somewhat under control
(and therefore less distractions from reality)... It's only gotten
worse, not better. I'm losing control of everything else. Each day is
a battle between emotions and logic... I force myself to continue
school, and wish more than anything that I had the strength to drop
out... I force myself to keep up with the housework, for a few days...
and then I crumble and do nothing but sit in bed reading fairy tales
to my son, ignoring schoolwork, housework, finances, myself...
I would never inflict self-harm, I would not ever do anything that
would endanger my son or my ability to care for him. He's the only
thing that keeps me going and I care about him more than life....
But I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be able to wake
up and look forward to the day? To enjoy it?
I don't know anything about seeking help... I have medicaid, through
New York State... but there's a 1-800 number you have to call and the
idea of talking to a stranger on the phone about this is... almost
unthinkable to me... I don't really have a primary care doctor, not
one that I know, and even if I did, I don't know how I'd talk about
these things without feeling so awkward... I'd just feel like I'm was
complaining, and I don't mean it to come out that way...
I guess my biggest worry is that I will get laughed at and told to
suck it up. There's people much worse off than myself and I'm not
suicidal or anything, just lazy and unmotivated...
Sigh. Kudos to you if you've read this far. Sorry for the rambling,
it's hard to think clearly, let alone write...
Hi, Elena, welcome to ASD. I understand you too well. I am now in a period
of my life in which hardly anything motivates me. As you see, it is similar
to your situation, difference is that I am 55 and you are 19. You have an
entire life in front of you and I urge you to get professional help. You
might ask what's the point if a 55 years old bum is in the same hole as
yours. But let me tell you I am expecting this to pass. How soon I do not
know. Apparently it is due to my mother passing away two months ago. She was
a ***** to me and on top of it I have to mourn her, it's just the way our
feelings work. But I have lived free of depression for many years (I am
bipolar) and I can assure you that a good combination of meds and talk
therapy works wonders. You just have to get the nerve and make that call and
start a treatment. Do it for your son, remember that you must be well in
order that he is well. I wish you the best.
--
Teilhard Knight
The Extraterrestrial
Change "privacy" for "softhome" if you want to intrude my inbox.
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: First post...Feeling lost, tired, confused. |
12 Nov 2004 09:41:12 AM |
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"Elena" <nevando37@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1ec18d0e.0411120704.eb8e778@posting.google.com...
Hi.
I feel a bit awkward typing any of this, but I really don't know where
else to turn at this point... (And I'm really sorry this is so long.)
Long story short... I'm 19, in college, and a single mother to a 3
year old. I almost hesitate to mention these basic things, because
then when I say I'm having the least bit of a hard time, the response
is just that life can be difficult when trying to balance these
things... Which is true, yes, but I feel like I've been down,
depressed, whatever you'd like to call it... for as long as I can
remember. I don't believe it is just situational...
I had terrible eating/self-esteem/food issues in my younger teen years
that I'm just barely getting over... I think those obsessions were
just my way of distracting myself from the depression I was feeling,
but wouldn't accept?
I had a sister who was in and out of hospitals for her own mental
health issues, so the idea of ever speaking up about how I felt was
horrifying to me... I wasn't like her, I wouldn't hurt my family like
she did, and it would just be preceived as me begging for attention
anyway. Who'd take me seriously?
Over the years though, with the food issues somewhat under control
(and therefore less distractions from reality)... It's only gotten
worse, not better. I'm losing control of everything else. Each day is
a battle between emotions and logic... I force myself to continue
school, and wish more than anything that I had the strength to drop
out... I force myself to keep up with the housework, for a few days...
and then I crumble and do nothing but sit in bed reading fairy tales
to my son, ignoring schoolwork, housework, finances, myself...
I would never inflict self-harm, I would not ever do anything that
would endanger my son or my ability to care for him. He's the only
thing that keeps me going and I care about him more than life....
But I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be able to wake
up and look forward to the day? To enjoy it?
I don't know anything about seeking help... I have medicaid, through
New York State... but there's a 1-800 number you have to call and the
idea of talking to a stranger on the phone about this is... almost
unthinkable to me... I don't really have a primary care doctor, not
one that I know, and even if I did, I don't know how I'd talk about
these things without feeling so awkward... I'd just feel like I'm was
complaining, and I don't mean it to come out that way...
I guess my biggest worry is that I will get laughed at and told to
suck it up. There's people much worse off than myself and I'm not
suicidal or anything, just lazy and unmotivated...
Sigh. Kudos to you if you've read this far. Sorry for the rambling,
it's hard to think clearly, let alone write...
Thanks,
Elena
Elena,
It took alot of guts to even write what you wrote. And you strike me as a
very gutsy lady.
It sounds like you were pretty much pushed aside growing up because of all
the attention and problems your sister had. It's no wonder you feel as if
your feelings don't matter!!!! You probably don't want to be ANYTHING like
your sister, yet can't help but resent all of the attention she received.
I'm sorry for all of the pain you are feeling. I understand it and know how
hard it is to admit to these feelings. To feel guilty for having them. To
feel like you should just keep your mouth shut and go on about the business
of living. And there is a certain amount of strength in doing just that.
But you must also learn to validate yourself and your feelings. You must
find a balance between allowing yourself to feel your pain (that is
RIGHTFULLY yours to feel) and in forcing yourself to go on. There are so
many good books out there on these subjects, Elena. If you can't afford
therapy, you can start with some books. Melanie Beattie's books are
exceptional ("Co-dependant No More" is one of my favs). And there are just
so many good ones out there. There are good support groups as well. And
they are free for the most part. If there are any alcoholics in your past,
I HIGHLY recommend Al Anon. That group saved my life. I learned more there
than I ever did while in the hospitals or in therapy. There are many groups
out there like that as well if Al Anon doesn't suit you. There must be many
resources available to you in New York?? You just have to begin to value
yourself enough to realize that you DESERVE to feel better. And that your
feelings and pain do matter. Valuing yourself enough to get help is the
BEST possible gift that you can give your son. And yourself. As a mom, you
just gotta do whatever it takes to be the best person you can be. And you
gotta start by taking care of YOU!
Good luck!
used2be
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| User: "John Smith" |
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| Title: Re: First post...Feeling lost, tired, confused. |
12 Nov 2004 02:46:32 PM |
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Do whatever you want to do.
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| User: "skubik" |
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| Title: Re: First post...Feeling lost, tired, confused. |
13 Nov 2004 06:12:09 AM |
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Hi Elena.
Welcome to ASD. What you described sounds a LOT like what a lot of us
here feel on a day-to-day basis as well. I know personally the tension
felt with family situations when it comes to depression. Because there
are no 'physical' symptoms certain people dismiss the fact that
depression is a very real disease. It's equivalent to a Thyroid problem
AFAIC. You can't 'see' the problem, but obviously something isn't
operating properly because there are 'symptoms' of it. Once those
symoptoms are recognized, then treatment can begin. Same thing with
depression. You can't see the problem like you might with cancer or an
infection... but when certain patterns begin to emerge, like food abuse
issues (something I myself am battling, as is my GF), it's obvious that
there *is* indeed a problem.
Depression is funny though, because it affects the very epicentre of
your consciousness, so you percieve things differently than others
might, it's literally like random pieces of your brain 'misfire' and the
result is a thought process that becomes corrupt. Sometimes it feels
like you're sitting in a theatre, watching everything that's going on
around you in everyday life... as if it were a movie. You watch and are
aware of what is happening, but feel like you have no control over the
events you see.
I was diagnosed back in 1996, although I had suspected something was
wrong for probably a few years prior. But like you, I didn't say
anything about it, and wrote it off as 'growing'. I'm still waiting for
the day when I wake up and can look forward to the day as opposed to
dreading it.
I've been reading and posting to this ng periodically since my diagnosis
in 1996 and it's been a wonderful place to come and share/vent my
feelings or thoughts, and read the experiences of others to reassure me
that I am *not* alone out there.
Again, welcome to ASD. I hope you can find some peace here.
- Shawn.
Elena wrote:
Hi.
I feel a bit awkward typing any of this, but I really don't know where
else to turn at this point... (And I'm really sorry this is so long.)
Long story short... I'm 19, in college, and a single mother to a 3
year old. I almost hesitate to mention these basic things, because
then when I say I'm having the least bit of a hard time, the response
is just that life can be difficult when trying to balance these
things... Which is true, yes, but I feel like I've been down,
depressed, whatever you'd like to call it... for as long as I can
remember. I don't believe it is just situational...
I had terrible eating/self-esteem/food issues in my younger teen years
that I'm just barely getting over... I think those obsessions were
just my way of distracting myself from the depression I was feeling,
but wouldn't accept?
I had a sister who was in and out of hospitals for her own mental
health issues, so the idea of ever speaking up about how I felt was
horrifying to me... I wasn't like her, I wouldn't hurt my family like
she did, and it would just be preceived as me begging for attention
anyway. Who'd take me seriously?
Over the years though, with the food issues somewhat under control
(and therefore less distractions from reality)... It's only gotten
worse, not better. I'm losing control of everything else. Each day is
a battle between emotions and logic... I force myself to continue
school, and wish more than anything that I had the strength to drop
out... I force myself to keep up with the housework, for a few days...
and then I crumble and do nothing but sit in bed reading fairy tales
to my son, ignoring schoolwork, housework, finances, myself...
I would never inflict self-harm, I would not ever do anything that
would endanger my son or my ability to care for him. He's the only
thing that keeps me going and I care about him more than life....
But I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be able to wake
up and look forward to the day? To enjoy it?
I don't know anything about seeking help... I have medicaid, through
New York State... but there's a 1-800 number you have to call and the
idea of talking to a stranger on the phone about this is... almost
unthinkable to me... I don't really have a primary care doctor, not
one that I know, and even if I did, I don't know how I'd talk about
these things without feeling so awkward... I'd just feel like I'm was
complaining, and I don't mean it to come out that way...
I guess my biggest worry is that I will get laughed at and told to
suck it up. There's people much worse off than myself and I'm not
suicidal or anything, just lazy and unmotivated...
Sigh. Kudos to you if you've read this far. Sorry for the rambling,
it's hard to think clearly, let alone write...
Thanks,
Elena
.
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: First post...Feeling lost, tired, confused. |
12 Nov 2004 10:59:25 AM |
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On 12 Nov 2004 07:04:43 -0800, (Elena) wrote:
Hi.
I feel a bit awkward typing any of this, but I really don't know where
else to turn at this point... (And I'm really sorry this is so long.)
Long story short... I'm 19, in college, and a single mother to a 3
year old. I almost hesitate to mention these basic things, because
then when I say I'm having the least bit of a hard time, the response
is just that life can be difficult when trying to balance these
things... Which is true, yes, but I feel like I've been down,
depressed, whatever you'd like to call it... for as long as I can
remember. I don't believe it is just situational...
I had terrible eating/self-esteem/food issues in my younger teen years
that I'm just barely getting over... I think those obsessions were
just my way of distracting myself from the depression I was feeling,
but wouldn't accept?
I had a sister who was in and out of hospitals for her own mental
health issues, so the idea of ever speaking up about how I felt was
horrifying to me... I wasn't like her, I wouldn't hurt my family like
she did, and it would just be preceived as me begging for attention
anyway. Who'd take me seriously?
Over the years though, with the food issues somewhat under control
(and therefore less distractions from reality)... It's only gotten
worse, not better. I'm losing control of everything else. Each day is
a battle between emotions and logic... I force myself to continue
school, and wish more than anything that I had the strength to drop
out... I force myself to keep up with the housework, for a few days...
and then I crumble and do nothing but sit in bed reading fairy tales
to my son, ignoring schoolwork, housework, finances, myself...
I would never inflict self-harm, I would not ever do anything that
would endanger my son or my ability to care for him. He's the only
thing that keeps me going and I care about him more than life....
But I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be able to wake
up and look forward to the day? To enjoy it?
I don't know anything about seeking help... I have medicaid, through
New York State... but there's a 1-800 number you have to call and the
idea of talking to a stranger on the phone about this is... almost
unthinkable to me... I don't really have a primary care doctor, not
one that I know, and even if I did, I don't know how I'd talk about
these things without feeling so awkward... I'd just feel like I'm was
complaining, and I don't mean it to come out that way...
I guess my biggest worry is that I will get laughed at and told to
suck it up. There's people much worse off than myself and I'm not
suicidal or anything, just lazy and unmotivated...
Sigh. Kudos to you if you've read this far. Sorry for the rambling,
it's hard to think clearly, let alone write...
Thanks,
Elena
Hi Elena,
I'm sorry you've had to struggle so much. Since you do have Medicaid,
I would go ahead and call the number on the back of your card, and ask
what the name of your psychiatrist (and therapist) is. You wouldn't
have to provide any personal information or details over the phone.
Usually with medicaid you have one already assigned to you. They would
be able to determine whether or not medication is needed, and can help
give you some coping skills.
I'm glad you posted, it takes a lot of courage to ask for help.
David
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| User: "Whiskers" |
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| Title: Re: First post...Feeling lost, tired, confused. |
12 Nov 2004 06:58:10 PM |
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On 2004-11-12, Elena <nevando37@yahoo.com> wrote:
Hi.
I feel a bit awkward typing any of this, but I really don't know where
else to turn at this point... (And I'm really sorry this is so long.)
snip
Hello Elena, and welcome to ASD :))
I don't know how the health-care system works in your country, but I agree
with the others that it would be a very good idea to talk to a doctor about
this.
That first call or visit is very hard, I know, but it is well worth the
effort. Perhaps having broken the ice here, will make it a little easier.
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^
-- Whiskers
-- ~~~~~~~~~~
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| User: "John" |
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| Title: Re: First post...Feeling lost, tired, confused. |
12 Nov 2004 11:21:23 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
You seem extremely intelligent, and you write very well. You have a lot
more on your plate than a 19 year old should.
Try to stay in school. You should nurture your intelligence for your son's
sake and your own. A degree will mean a better life for the two of you.
Isn't there a counseling program for students at your school? There usually
is. If so, you might try them.
John
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