| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"packrat" |
| Date: |
17 May 2005 10:54:49 PM |
| Object: |
fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
On one hand I feel like I deserve a better life, that I've worked hard and
fought to get through one situation after another.
OTOH, I feel like I'm not worth *****. Worthless people don't deserve
anything and everything points to me being worthless. I have nothing but
bad luck, I can't even win a fucking door prize.
Worst part of it is my kids.........they go to functions and see us
continually lose. They get discouraged. They would be soo extremely
excited to even win a simple door prize (went to about 3 different functions
recently with them and have experienced this with them). I'm heart broken
to see their continual disappointment with life.
Just because they have a complete and utter loser for a mum, I don't want
them to think they are. They are wonderful.
So now I'm about to go full circle in my crazy spinning thoughts tonight,
how did someone so unlucky get beautiful, smart kids? OTOH my oldest has
turned out to be a mess.
It's official, my sanity is gone
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
|
| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages - MIGHT BE A SPOILER |
18 May 2005 10:46:01 AM |
|
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"packrat" <maddie_75@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:d0zie.3886$V2.1597@attbi_s72...
On one hand I feel like I deserve a better life, that I've worked hard and
fought to get through one situation after another.
OTOH, I feel like I'm not worth *****. Worthless people don't deserve
anything and everything points to me being worthless. I have nothing but
bad luck, I can't even win a fucking door prize.
Worst part of it is my kids.........they go to functions and see us
continually lose. They get discouraged. They would be soo extremely
excited to even win a simple door prize (went to about 3 different
functions
recently with them and have experienced this with them). I'm heart broken
to see their continual disappointment with life.
Just because they have a complete and utter loser for a mum, I don't want
them to think they are. They are wonderful.
So now I'm about to go full circle in my crazy spinning thoughts tonight,
how did someone so unlucky get beautiful, smart kids? OTOH my oldest has
turned out to be a mess.
It's official, my sanity is gone
*****************************
WARNING - Personal Stuff - Might be a SPOILER
My father was a raging alcoholic. When he wasn't overtly violent he was
insidiously cruel. It wasn't his fault. He was mentally ill. I have dealt
with that. In fact, when he was dying of cancer at home, I assisted my mom
in taking care of him. And when he died there, the whole family was with
him, making sure he understood that we forgave him and loved him so he could
pass on to the next life finally at peace with himself. That's when I
discovered that sometimes healing has nothing at all to do with the patient
and everything to do with the family they leave behind. But back to the
point. As a child I could not appreciate that my dad was sick. Life in my
house was one of never ending battles. I feel I have spent my whole life
fighting back. Determined not to be broken. Not to be defeated. Sometimes
I don't even know what I'm fighting anymore. I just do it as if it's second
nature. As a child Christmas time in our house wasn't about sugar plums
dancing in your head. It was about a case of beer, a bottle of whiskey,
constant arguing, and fists flying. Needless to say, Christmas is still a
bad time of the year for me. This past Christmas was one of my worst. I
plummeted into one of the deepest depressions I have had since post
diagnosis. I was a mess and my life was literally falling apart. I felt -
as you said - officially my sanity was gone. At some point my ex husband
got wind of what was going on and during one of his very infrequent phone
calls he proceeded to scream at me and I quote...
"How are these children ever going to amount to anything with you as their
mother? They have so much potential they are never going to use because you
keep dragging them down. It isn't fair. They deserve a better mother.
They deserve a healthy mother."
In my state of mind at the time I believed him. I sat them down that night
and talked to them about the possibility of living with him. They were
horrified. They wanted to know what brought it on. They knew I was
struggling but they had been with me through these episodes before and
survived without me ever bringing up the subject of living with their dad.
They insisted on knowing. I finally broke down and told them what he said
but I also told them not to be too hard on him because I agreed he was right
and that sometimes we have to swallow bitter pills in the best interest of
others. Secretly, deep down, and I am loathe to admit this, the one thing I
have NEVER told them, is that a part of me was preparing for suicide. That
without them there I could finally end this.
You would have to know my boys to understand how shocked I was by their
response. My oldest - the extrovert -wears his heart on his sleeve. He
almost never has a thought he doesn't express. He's what Jean calls a
"struggler." His own worst enemy. Does everything the hard way. He learns
a lot but it almost seems as if the suffering in the lesson is as important
as the lesson itself. He is a young man of extremes. Lives by his
instincts. When he loves, he loves hard, when he hates, he hates hard, and
when he fights back, it's all or nothing, do or die. No in between. My
younger son is the complete opposite. Happy go lucky, few cares in this
world, life slides off him like water off a duck. He thinks everything
through. Never acts on impulse. Gentle, quiet, contemplative, not quick to
anger, takes everything in stride, without much fuss. After the
conversation son number one was furious. That I expected. But son number
two was LIVID. I have never been so surprised by my own child as I was that
day. He turned to me and said...
"I feel sorry for my dad. He doesn't have a clue. He thinks he knows
what's best for us except he doesn't even know us. Not like you do. At the
end of the day do you think I care if I come home to a lot of money and a
four bedroom house and two cars on the driveway, a cottage up North, and
everything I could ever want if it means not be understood, not being
listened to, not being respected, not being encouraged to be me and not who
someone wants me to be, not being able to say anything without judgement or
fear or ridicule, not being loved unconditionally under any circumstances.
Do you think I care about material things when I have the best mom in the
whole world who loves me to death. Who despite her struggle, despite her
illness, and the emotional pain it causes her, has and will continue to do
everything possible to make a life for us. He thinks because you're bipolar
we deserve a better mother, because he only sees your illness, and doesn't
see you. If being bipolar is part of who you are, or what made you who you
are, then I'm glad you are because it makes us luckiest kids in the world.
I love my dad because he's my dad, but I will never live with him, and right
now I don't like him much, and need to be mad at him for awhile."
Even my oldest was lost for words. We just stared at him with out mouths
open. Then I cried for two hours. But it made my path so clear. I had to
live for them. I had to keep fighting for them. Despite everything - how
shitty I felt about myself at times, how little I had and could give them,
how upside down our lives were at times, all my fears that I was messing
them up too, none of that mattered to children who felt loved. I doubt your
children are any different. I know it hurts not to win, to feel so unlucky,
to be so disappointed at every turn. It stings deep down and hard
sometimes. But it won't always be like this and when you come out on the
other side, your children will be okay because you loved them through it all
despite how difficult it is. You work hard at your job for them, struggle
for them, battle for them, want better things for them, and they see that,
and they know you do it because they are so important to you, and that's
what they will take from this. You're doing a damn good job mom. Cut
yourself some slack. :)
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
.
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| User: "Luna" |
|
| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages - MIGHT BE A SPOILER |
20 May 2005 06:48:15 AM |
|
|
"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:NFIie.3348$dS3.682567@news20.bellglobal.com...
"packrat" <maddie_75@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:d0zie.3886$V2.1597@attbi_s72...
On one hand I feel like I deserve a better life, that I've worked hard and
fought to get through one situation after another.
OTOH, I feel like I'm not worth *****. Worthless people don't deserve
anything and everything points to me being worthless. I have nothing but
bad luck, I can't even win a fucking door prize.
Worst part of it is my kids.........they go to functions and see us
continually lose. They get discouraged. They would be soo extremely
excited to even win a simple door prize (went to about 3 different
functions
recently with them and have experienced this with them). I'm heart broken
to see their continual disappointment with life.
Just because they have a complete and utter loser for a mum, I don't want
them to think they are. They are wonderful.
So now I'm about to go full circle in my crazy spinning thoughts tonight,
how did someone so unlucky get beautiful, smart kids? OTOH my oldest has
turned out to be a mess.
It's official, my sanity is gone
*****************************
WARNING - Personal Stuff - Might be a SPOILER
My father was a raging alcoholic. When he wasn't overtly violent he was
insidiously cruel. It wasn't his fault. He was mentally ill. I have dealt
with that. In fact, when he was dying of cancer at home, I assisted my mom
in taking care of him. And when he died there, the whole family was with
him, making sure he understood that we forgave him and loved him so he could
pass on to the next life finally at peace with himself. That's when I
discovered that sometimes healing has nothing at all to do with the patient
and everything to do with the family they leave behind. But back to the
point. As a child I could not appreciate that my dad was sick. Life in my
house was one of never ending battles. I feel I have spent my whole life
fighting back. Determined not to be broken. Not to be defeated. Sometimes
I don't even know what I'm fighting anymore. I just do it as if it's second
nature. As a child Christmas time in our house wasn't about sugar plums
dancing in your head. It was about a case of beer, a bottle of whiskey,
constant arguing, and fists flying. Needless to say, Christmas is still a
bad time of the year for me. This past Christmas was one of my worst. I
plummeted into one of the deepest depressions I have had since post
diagnosis. I was a mess and my life was literally falling apart. I felt -
as you said - officially my sanity was gone. At some point my ex husband
got wind of what was going on and during one of his very infrequent phone
calls he proceeded to scream at me and I quote...
"How are these children ever going to amount to anything with you as their
mother? They have so much potential they are never going to use because you
keep dragging them down. It isn't fair. They deserve a better mother.
They deserve a healthy mother."
In my state of mind at the time I believed him. I sat them down that night
and talked to them about the possibility of living with him. They were
horrified. They wanted to know what brought it on. They knew I was
struggling but they had been with me through these episodes before and
survived without me ever bringing up the subject of living with their dad.
They insisted on knowing. I finally broke down and told them what he said
but I also told them not to be too hard on him because I agreed he was right
and that sometimes we have to swallow bitter pills in the best interest of
others. Secretly, deep down, and I am loathe to admit this, the one thing I
have NEVER told them, is that a part of me was preparing for suicide. That
without them there I could finally end this.
You would have to know my boys to understand how shocked I was by their
response. My oldest - the extrovert -wears his heart on his sleeve. He
almost never has a thought he doesn't express. He's what Jean calls a
"struggler." His own worst enemy. Does everything the hard way. He learns
a lot but it almost seems as if the suffering in the lesson is as important
as the lesson itself. He is a young man of extremes. Lives by his
instincts. When he loves, he loves hard, when he hates, he hates hard, and
when he fights back, it's all or nothing, do or die. No in between. My
younger son is the complete opposite. Happy go lucky, few cares in this
world, life slides off him like water off a duck. He thinks everything
through. Never acts on impulse. Gentle, quiet, contemplative, not quick to
anger, takes everything in stride, without much fuss. After the
conversation son number one was furious. That I expected. But son number
two was LIVID. I have never been so surprised by my own child as I was that
day. He turned to me and said...
"I feel sorry for my dad. He doesn't have a clue. He thinks he knows
what's best for us except he doesn't even know us. Not like you do. At the
end of the day do you think I care if I come home to a lot of money and a
four bedroom house and two cars on the driveway, a cottage up North, and
everything I could ever want if it means not be understood, not being
listened to, not being respected, not being encouraged to be me and not who
someone wants me to be, not being able to say anything without judgement or
fear or ridicule, not being loved unconditionally under any circumstances.
Do you think I care about material things when I have the best mom in the
whole world who loves me to death. Who despite her struggle, despite her
illness, and the emotional pain it causes her, has and will continue to do
everything possible to make a life for us. He thinks because you're bipolar
we deserve a better mother, because he only sees your illness, and doesn't
see you. If being bipolar is part of who you are, or what made you who you
are, then I'm glad you are because it makes us luckiest kids in the world.
I love my dad because he's my dad, but I will never live with him, and right
now I don't like him much, and need to be mad at him for awhile."
Even my oldest was lost for words. We just stared at him with out mouths
open. Then I cried for two hours. But it made my path so clear. I had to
live for them. I had to keep fighting for them. Despite everything - how
shitty I felt about myself at times, how little I had and could give them,
how upside down our lives were at times, all my fears that I was messing
them up too, none of that mattered to children who felt loved. I doubt your
children are any different. I know it hurts not to win, to feel so unlucky,
to be so disappointed at every turn. It stings deep down and hard
sometimes. But it won't always be like this and when you come out on the
other side, your children will be okay because you loved them through it all
despite how difficult it is. You work hard at your job for them, struggle
for them, battle for them, want better things for them, and they see that,
and they know you do it because they are so important to you, and that's
what they will take from this. You're doing a damn good job mom. Cut
yourself some slack. :)
This was good to read, Rhiannon. It occurred to me while reading this how
powerful a process simple support can be, the act of mustering it for another is
often easier than mustering it for ourself. Writing out that story for cindi
gave you an opportunity to articulate something for yourself as well. I think
we tend to judge others far less harshly then we do ourselves (perhaps that
sounds ironic coming from me) but when the struggle is something we ourselves
have faced we so want the other to succeed for multi-layered reasons. It's
sisterhood yes but it's also almost like looking into a mirror. You gave that
post to cindi and all the other mothers who would read it and nod and you also
gave it to yourself, it's a tribute by proxy. My neurons were jumping around
like crazy reading this post.
Jean
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
|
| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages - MIGHT BE A SPOILER |
20 May 2005 10:43:40 PM |
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"Luna" <lunajean@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:LJWdnRXMM8ToUxDfRVn-tQ@rogers.com...
This was good to read, Rhiannon. It occurred to me while reading this how
powerful a process simple support can be, the act of mustering it for
another is
often easier than mustering it for ourself. Writing out that story for
cindi
gave you an opportunity to articulate something for yourself as well. I
think
we tend to judge others far less harshly then we do ourselves (perhaps
that
sounds ironic coming from me) but when the struggle is something we
ourselves
have faced we so want the other to succeed for multi-layered reasons.
It's
sisterhood yes but it's also almost like looking into a mirror. You gave
that
post to cindi and all the other mothers who would read it and nod and you
also
gave it to yourself, it's a tribute by proxy. My neurons were jumping
around
like crazy reading this post.
Jean
This was, in part, a tribute by proxy. But I have you to thank for it. You
helped me see me from a perspective I have a tendency to lose sight of when
I begin that slide over the edge.
Funny how we're wired though. On one hand my seemingly limitless capacity
for compassion and forgiveness allowed me to absolve my father yet I can't
seem to forgive myself for crimes far less horrible than his own.
Intellectually, I know that every word of what I wrote about ourselves and
our children is true, yet emotionally I FEEL so horribly bad about myself
when I'm in the middle of it.
And as you said - we seem to be able to muster it when we reach out to one
another yet can't seem to reach out to ourselves in the same way.
I find myself believing all that depression tells me about me, despite the
fact that I am well aware of the fact that she lies, and she hates, and she
judges harshly, and unfairly.
I always hoped for the day when I could stop it, change it, yet it's all
these years later, and I still don't understand it.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
.
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages - MIGHT BE A SPOILER |
18 May 2005 10:25:23 AM |
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On Wed, 18 May 2005 10:46:01 -0500, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca>
wrote:
*****************************
WARNING - Personal Stuff - Might be a SPOILER
<SNIP STORY>
Thanks for the reminder that kids sometimes see something in us that
we don't see in ourselves. My kid is profoundly a tween and many times
her tween attitude comes through...but other tiimes she is fierce in
her love of me,to a point it surprises me, and I know that's her true
self coming through.
What a beautiful thing for your son to have said. I had tears in my
eyes reading this. Thanks so much for sharing it.
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in the headers
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages - MIGHT BE A SPOILER |
18 May 2005 08:15:26 PM |
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"ponette" <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:ecnm81td3rhj3geoq4le952jbred0ktcif@4ax.com...
On Wed, 18 May 2005 10:46:01 -0500, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca>
wrote:
*****************************
WARNING - Personal Stuff - Might be a SPOILER
<SNIP STORY>
Thanks for the reminder that kids sometimes see something in us that
we don't see in ourselves. My kid is profoundly a tween and many times
her tween attitude comes through...but other tiimes she is fierce in
her love of me,to a point it surprises me, and I know that's her true
self coming through.
What a beautiful thing for your son to have said. I had tears in my
eyes reading this. Thanks so much for sharing it.
p
You're welcome p. :) It was a defining moment. They have been my saving
grace.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
--
x-no-archive: yes is in the headers
.
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| User: "Luna" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages - MIGHT BE A SPOILER |
20 May 2005 07:01:34 AM |
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"ponette" <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:ecnm81td3rhj3geoq4le952jbred0ktcif@4ax.com...
On Wed, 18 May 2005 10:46:01 -0500, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca>
wrote:
*****************************
WARNING - Personal Stuff - Might be a SPOILER
<SNIP STORY>
Thanks for the reminder that kids sometimes see something in us that
we don't see in ourselves. My kid is profoundly a tween and many times
her tween attitude comes through...but other tiimes she is fierce in
her love of me,to a point it surprises me, and I know that's her true
self coming through.
I find it hard not to take the attitude personally - I get it from my youngest
to a very minor degree so it's easy to shrug off but my daughter gets very angry
with me sometimes (she's 18). She is the one most hurt by my two year meltdown
a decade ago and subsequent slow climb out and I suspect that has a lot to do
with it so when she gets angry with me it triggers a whole lot of remorse and
self loathing. My eldest said to me yesterday that my relationship with her is
almost like I'm courting her, which is in fact true. I just want to make sure
she goes out into the world knowing without doubt that I love her and always
have. She leaves for university in September and I'm filled with a sense of
urgency about it lately.
Jean
What a beautiful thing for your son to have said. I had tears in my
eyes reading this. Thanks so much for sharing it.
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in the headers
.
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| User: "exempt" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
18 May 2005 03:22:40 AM |
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how did someone so unlucky get beautiful, smart kids?
snip
if they're beautiful and smart, it sounds like you've been doing all the
important bits right.
.
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| User: "packrat" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
18 May 2005 06:42:32 PM |
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"exempt" <jesseNOmySPAMers@4-music.org> wrote in message
news:GMudnbM_CKzGZhffRVn-sw@comcast.com...
how did someone so unlucky get beautiful, smart kids?
snip
if they're beautiful and smart, it sounds like you've been doing all the
important bits right.
I do a lot of things wrong, but my kids are the best things in my life
.
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
17 May 2005 11:51:03 PM |
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On Wed, 18 May 2005 03:54:49 GMT, "packrat" <maddie_75@yahoo.com>
wrote:
On one hand I feel like I deserve a better life, that I've worked hard and
fought to get through one situation after another.
OTOH, I feel like I'm not worth *****. Worthless people don't deserve
anything and everything points to me being worthless. I have nothing but
bad luck, I can't even win a fucking door prize.
Worst part of it is my kids.........they go to functions and see us
what are these functions?
continually lose. They get discouraged. They would be soo extremely
excited to even win a simple door prize (went to about 3 different functions
recently with them and have experienced this with them). I'm heart broken
to see their continual disappointment with life.
Just because they have a complete and utter loser for a mum, I don't want
them to think they are. They are wonderful.
So now I'm about to go full circle in my crazy spinning thoughts tonight,
how did someone so unlucky get beautiful, smart kids? OTOH my oldest has
turned out to be a mess.
It's official, my sanity is gone
it's ok. in small doses.
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
.
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| User: "packrat" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
18 May 2005 12:36:05 AM |
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"wombn" <wombnhearmeroar@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:pcil81ttngevie96tvb7jb0erlag8ad6vk@4ax.com...
On Wed, 18 May 2005 03:54:49 GMT, "packrat" <maddie_75@yahoo.com>
wrote:
On one hand I feel like I deserve a better life, that I've worked hard and
fought to get through one situation after another.
OTOH, I feel like I'm not worth *****. Worthless people don't deserve
anything and everything points to me being worthless. I have nothing but
bad luck, I can't even win a fucking door prize.
Worst part of it is my kids.........they go to functions and see us
what are these functions?
Silly things, like a company sponsored bingo night and they were so looking
forward to it and our time together, but got really discouraged when we lost
every game and even the door prizes. Then a school carnival and a boy scout
pack meeting. Nothing major and didn't really bother me, they weren't much,
but to them it was important to win something, at least that's the way they
acted with their anticipation and then the disappointment. Of course I
explained the chances are..., and everyone can't win, etc. They still spoke
about us not having any luck in life, evidenced by that and not having a
home. Apples and oranges, but they don't see it that way.
continually lose. They get discouraged. They would be soo extremely
excited to even win a simple door prize (went to about 3 different
functions
recently with them and have experienced this with them). I'm heart broken
to see their continual disappointment with life.
Just because they have a complete and utter loser for a mum, I don't want
them to think they are. They are wonderful.
So now I'm about to go full circle in my crazy spinning thoughts tonight,
how did someone so unlucky get beautiful, smart kids? OTOH my oldest has
turned out to be a mess.
It's official, my sanity is gone
it's ok. in small doses.
Okay, I'll try to keep it that way. I'm pushing the limit
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
.
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| User: "seedling" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
17 May 2005 11:43:52 PM |
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Though I can't seem to solve my own irrational thinking, I'm constantly
reminded by someone close to me that "thoughts are things," and if you
continue to think negatively, you're only encouraging it. I know,
sounds like crap. I tell her she's full of crap when she tells me, yet
I find myself thinking on and off (secretly, of course) about how to
start seeing the good in things more consistently. Like maybe focusing
on the good in your children, rather than "luck?" In the grand scheme
of things, do door prizes really matter? Having wonderful children is
a testament to you and your strengths, and I wouldn't say that you were
"lucky" to have them turn out well. You played a part in that, not
luck. Laugh off the insignificant, the proverbial lost door prize. I
know, I know - easier said than done, but it's what popped into my head
when I read your post.
Hope things improve.
s
.
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| User: "packrat" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
18 May 2005 12:31:13 AM |
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You're right, I do need to focus more on what I do have than what I don't.
My children are my biggest focus in life and the greatest things in my life.
I know door prizes in and of themselves are nothing really and they really
aren't something I obsess over, it's just something that happened tonight
and has the last week a couple of other times. It goes back to my kids, I
hate seeing the disappointment in their eyes and them feeling unlucky. I
worry because things are difficult right now and have been and they know
that my life is full of failures that they may start to perceive themselves
as unlucky because they've actually verbalized that, especially my son. I
don't voice that often about myself. I may voice other things about
struggling, but not the other. I'm stressed about so much and then I am
just worried so much about my kids. I want so badly for them to have a good
life.
"seedling" <idontknowanythingtoday@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1116391432.435223.263760@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
Though I can't seem to solve my own irrational thinking, I'm constantly
reminded by someone close to me that "thoughts are things," and if you
continue to think negatively, you're only encouraging it. I know,
sounds like crap. I tell her she's full of crap when she tells me, yet
I find myself thinking on and off (secretly, of course) about how to
start seeing the good in things more consistently. Like maybe focusing
on the good in your children, rather than "luck?" In the grand scheme
of things, do door prizes really matter? Having wonderful children is
a testament to you and your strengths, and I wouldn't say that you were
"lucky" to have them turn out well. You played a part in that, not
luck. Laugh off the insignificant, the proverbial lost door prize. I
know, I know - easier said than done, but it's what popped into my head
when I read your post.
Hope things improve.
s
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
18 May 2005 02:37:43 AM |
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On Wed, 18 May 2005 05:31:13 GMT, "packrat" <maddie_75@yahoo.com>
wrote:
You're right, I do need to focus more on what I do have than what I don't.
My children are my biggest focus in life and the greatest things in my life.
I know door prizes in and of themselves are nothing really and they really
aren't something I obsess over, it's just something that happened tonight
and has the last week a couple of other times. It goes back to my kids, I
hate seeing the disappointment in their eyes and them feeling unlucky. I
worry because things are difficult right now and have been and they know
that my life is full of failures that they may start to perceive themselves
as unlucky because they've actually verbalized that, especially my son. I
I don't know if it means anything, but I always said I was unlucky
too. But my parents didn't divorce. In fact, on both sides of my
family the only two divorces I even know about are one of my uncle's
from my early early years (around 6-8 y/o) and my own.
But I never won anything until I was 19. And then I couldn't
celebrate cuz I was underage! (I played the nickel slots next to my
dad and had to step away when I hit the $250 jackpot....I'm surprised
no one had been watching me)
don't voice that often about myself. I may voice other things about
struggling, but not the other. I'm stressed about so much and then I am
just worried so much about my kids. I want so badly for them to have a good
life.
I think your attitude (that they can see) about circumstances can set
the tone. Not that you need to be happy happy joy joy. That's not a
realistic picture to show kids. They know bad things happen and that
we all cry or yell about them.
I don't know... maybe if they see bitterness that they can't do
anything about. Or see your feelings of failure.... that probably
wouldn't be good.
I have no idea what your kids see or what you show to them. So this
is NOT a criticism. Mainly trying to offer some hope. Cuz knowing
you, you suppress a lot, which can be a very good thing for them and
is extremely difficult in 300 sq ft!
--
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If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
18 May 2005 02:43:49 AM |
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packrat wrote:
You're right, I do need to focus more on what I do have than what I don't.
My children are my biggest focus in life and the greatest things in my life.
I know door prizes in and of themselves are nothing really and they really
aren't something I obsess over, it's just something that happened tonight
and has the last week a couple of other times. It goes back to my kids, I
hate seeing the disappointment in their eyes and them feeling unlucky. I
worry because things are difficult right now and have been and they know
that my life is full of failures that they may start to perceive themselves
as unlucky because they've actually verbalized that, especially my son. I
don't voice that often about myself. I may voice other things about
struggling, but not the other. I'm stressed about so much and then I am
just worried so much about my kids. I want so badly for them to have a good
life.
My kids have never won anything. It is the lack of expectation
about 'winning' that makes them so successful. The worst load of
horse radish ever sold to the American public was about winning.
Winning really is, not losing... nobody tells you that part. Not
losing is everything. Not winning is nothing. Door prizes are for
a particularly successful door. Prizes are nothing but pretence
at a meaningless worth.
You said, "My children are the biggest focus in life and the
greatest things in my life." Your kids are winners, you are a
winner, only the door loses out and lets face it, he could swing
either way... no character there.
GlennT
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
18 May 2005 02:51:31 AM |
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On Wed, 18 May 2005 19:43:49 +1200, GlennT <askme@noname.com> wrote:
My kids have never won anything. It is the lack of expectation
about 'winning' that makes them so successful. The worst load of
horse radish ever sold to the American public was about winning.
Winning really is, not losing... nobody tells you that part. Not
losing is everything. Not winning is nothing. Door prizes are for
a particularly successful door. Prizes are nothing but pretence
at a meaningless worth.
You said, "My children are the biggest focus in life and the
greatest things in my life." Your kids are winners, you are a
winner, only the door loses out and lets face it, he could swing
either way... no character there.
you said it better.
--
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If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
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| User: "packrat" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
18 May 2005 06:41:30 PM |
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of course you are correct and I love your perspective. My focus on losing
prizes, hindsight, had to do with watching my kids disappointment. The
other stuff was more about my muddled thought processes.
"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote in message
news:ZmCie.901$U4.120023@news.xtra.co.nz...
packrat wrote:
You're right, I do need to focus more on what I do have than what I
don't. My children are my biggest focus in life and the greatest things
in my life.
I know door prizes in and of themselves are nothing really and they
really aren't something I obsess over, it's just something that happened
tonight and has the last week a couple of other times. It goes back to
my kids, I hate seeing the disappointment in their eyes and them feeling
unlucky. I worry because things are difficult right now and have been
and they know that my life is full of failures that they may start to
perceive themselves as unlucky because they've actually verbalized that,
especially my son. I don't voice that often about myself. I may voice
other things about struggling, but not the other. I'm stressed about so
much and then I am just worried so much about my kids. I want so badly
for them to have a good life.
My kids have never won anything. It is the lack of expectation about
'winning' that makes them so successful. The worst load of horse radish
ever sold to the American public was about winning.
Winning really is, not losing... nobody tells you that part. Not losing is
everything. Not winning is nothing. Door prizes are for a particularly
successful door. Prizes are nothing but pretence at a meaningless worth.
You said, "My children are the biggest focus in life and the greatest
things in my life." Your kids are winners, you are a winner, only the door
loses out and lets face it, he could swing either way... no character
there.
GlennT
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
17 May 2005 10:58:12 PM |
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packrat wrote...
On one hand I feel like I deserve a better life, that I've
worked hard and fought to get through one situation after
another.
OTOH, I feel like I'm not worth *****. Worthless people
don't deserve anything and everything points to me being
worthless. I have nothing but bad luck, I can't even win a
fucking door prize.
Worst part of it is my kids.........they go to functions
and see us continually lose. They get discouraged. They
would be soo extremely excited to even win a simple door
prize (went to about 3 different functions recently with
them and have experienced this with them). I'm heart
broken to see their continual disappointment with life.
Just because they have a complete and utter loser for a
mum, I don't want them to think they are. They are
wonderful.
So now I'm about to go full circle in my crazy spinning
thoughts tonight, how did someone so unlucky get beautiful,
smart kids? OTOH my oldest has turned out to be a mess.
It's official, my sanity is gone
my kids went to a large family party last summer in illinois,
when they were staying with their grandparents. they got lucky
and won guinea pigs. we had to explain to them that winning
prizes was exciting, but that they couldn't keep the guinea
pigs...
-lisa
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
17 May 2005 11:51:43 PM |
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On 18 May 2005 03:58:12 GMT, "lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote:
my kids went to a large family party last summer in illinois,
when they were staying with their grandparents. they got lucky
and won guinea pigs. we had to explain to them that winning
prizes was exciting, but that they couldn't keep the guinea
pigs...
yikes! animals as prizes?? that's a recipe for disaster (for the
animals!)
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
.
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: fluctuating feelings and mixed messages |
18 May 2005 07:01:41 PM |
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wombn wrote...
On 18 May 2005 03:58:12 GMT, "lisa in mass."
<mccats@rcn.com> wrote:
my kids went to a large family party last summer in
illinois, when they were staying with their grandparents.
they got lucky and won guinea pigs. we had to explain to
them that winning prizes was exciting, but that they
couldn't keep the guinea pigs...
yikes! animals as prizes?? that's a recipe for disaster
(for the animals!)
i don't know what the hostess was thinking...
-lisa
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