This is an open letter written to the brand manager of Proctor and
Gamble (Maker of Always Maxi Pads)...

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to
be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company
smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of
the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel
hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't
the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you
of all people must realize that America is just crawling with
homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my
letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I
wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an
Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were
these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness, actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up
on Motrin and Kahl=FAa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Wal-Mart armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of
God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular
Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending *****. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Have a great day,