| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"waywardguy" |
| Date: |
01 Apr 2005 03:51:37 PM |
| Object: |
Getting past stuckness |
Hello. I'm a first time reader/poster to this group. I'm hoping some can
share insights to help.
My wife and I are separated and, I believe, headed for divorce. I'll spare
the details and just say that this is largely my fault - I checked out some
time ago (emotionally) and didn't put the work in to make things succeed.
My challenge is this:
I can't seem to move forward to "finalize" things (i.e. divorce) and move
on. The guilt I've been feeling has been completely immobilizing! I deeply
regret failing my marriage: the impact this has had on my wife, who didn't
deserve it; the impact it's having on my daughter, who wishes our family was
still in tact - compounded by me being an "always does the right thing"
person (and a Catholic). So, the "stain" of this failure and what others
think of it weighs heavily on my mind. I know that I'm not happy - was not
happy - in my marriage, though many aspects of it were good - yet I'm
equally unhappy in this "stuck" state. I can't imagine staying - seems far
too gone at this stage - yet I can't imagine going through with divorce,
given the impact on my wife, daughter and myself.
So, I have been in this state of "stuckness" now for almost two years. I
lived in an apartment for 15 months, then bought a house - but I can't seem
to get over the hurdle and finalize the break-up. This limbo state
continues to take it's toll - I'm tired; unmotivated; and I seem to make no
progress on any front. I feel hopeless now and for what lies ahead - in
short, I believe I am depressed.
I would appreciate any thoughts you could share. I believe I should seek
therapy, but I'm not sure how to find a good therapist. I'm not sure about
medication options and what risks/benefits they would bring to the table.
I'm seeking advice/counsel from those who've been "stuck" - at an impasse
where any of the options does not look doable - and how you were able to
address it and move forward. I can't keep living the way I'm living - but I
can't see myself living with either "option" going forward. How does one
resolve that??? Are there good books you can recommend that might lend some
insight for me? I want to move forward; I want to be happy again; I want to
do the right thing for myself and those I love - I just don't know how to do
it...
Thanks for reading and for any advice you can offer...
.
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| User: "The DaveŠ" |
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| Title: Re: Getting past stuckness |
01 Apr 2005 04:04:45 PM |
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waywardguy wrote:
Hello. I'm a first time reader/poster to this group. I'm hoping
some can share insights to help.
My wife and I are separated and, I believe, headed for divorce. I'll
spare the details and just say that this is largely my fault - I
checked out some time ago (emotionally) and didn't put the work in to
make things succeed. My challenge is this:
I can't seem to move forward to "finalize" things (i.e. divorce) and
move on. The guilt I've been feeling has been completely
immobilizing! I deeply regret failing my marriage: the impact this
has had on my wife, who didn't deserve it; the impact it's having on
my daughter, who wishes our family was still in tact - compounded by
me being an "always does the right thing" person (and a Catholic).
So, the "stain" of this failure and what others think of it weighs
heavily on my mind. I know that I'm not happy - was not happy - in
my marriage, though many aspects of it were good - yet I'm equally
unhappy in this "stuck" state. I can't imagine staying - seems far
too gone at this stage - yet I can't imagine going through with
divorce, given the impact on my wife, daughter and myself.
So, I have been in this state of "stuckness" now for almost two
years. I lived in an apartment for 15 months, then bought a house -
but I can't seem to get over the hurdle and finalize the break-up.
This limbo state continues to take it's toll - I'm tired;
unmotivated; and I seem to make no progress on any front. I feel
hopeless now and for what lies ahead - in short, I believe I am
depressed.
I would appreciate any thoughts you could share. I believe I should
seek therapy, but I'm not sure how to find a good therapist. I'm not
sure about medication options and what risks/benefits they would
bring to the table. I'm seeking advice/counsel from those who've
been "stuck" - at an impasse where any of the options does not look
doable - and how you were able to address it and move forward. I
can't keep living the way I'm living - but I can't see myself living
with either "option" going forward. How does one resolve that???
Are there good books you can recommend that might lend some insight
for me? I want to move forward; I want to be happy again; I want to
do the right thing for myself and those I love - I just don't know
how to do it...
Thanks for reading and for any advice you can offer...
Does your wife *want* the divorce? From what I'm reading here, maybe
if you got help for possible depression, maybe you two could work
things out.
.
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: Getting past stuckness |
01 Apr 2005 09:02:10 PM |
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I think your idea of finding a therapist is a good one. The way I
would suggest approaching it is by jotting down the major problems
you've identified, then calling several therapists on the phone (look
in the yellow pages, or use a referral service) and discussing your
problems and getting a feel for how they proceed. It may be obvious
which person you'd prefer, by the time you finish; then again, it may
not, but you may be able to identify one or two that you would not
want to work with. Since therapists often specialize in certain areas,
you may find that winnowing the list is pretty easy.
Next see the one you've ranked as most preferable, and see how it
goes. You may go once, or a few times, and decide to try someone else,
or you may stick with this one.
There are a few things to watch for.
First, credentials. Anyone can claim to be a therapist, because there
is no legal definition for the word (whereas you can only claim to be
a psychologist if you have a Ph.D. in psychology). So ask about their
credentials, and think about how well or poorly you consider them.
Second, make sure the therapist listens to you, understands your
issues, takes you seriously, and is interested in helping you achieve
your goals. This sounds obvious, but some therapists are like cookie
cutters: Whatever shape you arrive in (or wish to be), they are
determined to send you out shaped like a Christmas tree.
Third (and this is really part of the second), make sure that the
therapist does not try to override your value system with his or hers
(unless there is something clearly wrong with yours).
It isn't clear to me that you need medication. You may; I just can't
tell. I would suggest starting with the therapist, and asking him /
her if you appear to be depressed in ways that medication would
benefit. If you end up seeing this therapist for several months, and
are able to change your life in major, beneficial ways, and you are
still feeling down, then odds are good you would benefit from
medication.
Finally, I also wonder if divorce is the right thing. Have the two of
you tried couples therapy? Can you identify relationship problems that
can be overcome, or are there truly irreconcilable issues? This also
is not clear from your post.
I hope this helps. Good luck to you!
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
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| User: "saulgoode" |
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| Title: Re: Getting past stuckness |
01 Apr 2005 04:17:13 PM |
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I was stuck the same way. I filed two years ago, got an apartment,
started looking at houses... then moved back in with her to try to
reconcile, the divorce case dropped out of court, and we broke up
again, my house deal fell through... Until I gave it one final shot and
failed, I had fantasies of making it work. It took that one extra
failure to flip my switch and unstick me. Now we're filed and going
through with it by eom June.
I hate to say this, but one of the things that also helped me move on
was dating. It took a few dates for me to remember what it was like to
be treated like a man. I remember being _shocked_ when a girl walked
into my apt and kissed me! Wow! Resuscitate me! That hadn't happened in
ten years!
Does your work have a health plan? Your PCP should be able to recommend
a therapist, or your work HR personnel should be able to help. That's
how I got my therapist. Also, one website that helped me was this one.
I've gone through the whole site a dozen times.
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/
And for anti-depressants, don't be afraid of them. To me, the fear of
anti-depressants is the same as being afraid of antibiotics. You take
them to get better, that's all. I take Effexor and am not ashamed of
it. Ask your PCP about that, too. She'll (He'll) probably give you some
good info on your options there. Except for weight gain (some of them,
esp. Paxil) and some sexual side effects you either won't mind or won't
notice, anti-depressants are pretty low risk.
I personally haven't read too many books on divorce and the aftermath.
They stress me out. I read something trivial and mind-numbing instead,
something that won't keep me all night turning in introspective torture
-- too much introspection kills, imo.
Hang in there. It's like removing your own kidney, hold the local, but
you'll get through it somehow.
- Saul
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| User: "Inco Warren" |
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| Title: Re: Getting past stuckness |
03 Apr 2005 05:05:32 PM |
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On 1 Apr 2005 14:17:13 -0800, "saulgoode"
<saulgoode3@cyber-rights.net> wrote:
I was stuck the same way. I filed two years ago, got an apartment,
started looking at houses... then moved back in with her to try to
reconcile, the divorce case dropped out of court, and we broke up
again, my house deal fell through... Until I gave it one final shot and
failed, I had fantasies of making it work. It took that one extra
failure to flip my switch and unstick me. Now we're filed and going
through with it by eom June.
Saulgoode,
Can I ask what were your specific problems? What kind of issues are
so impossible to work out? what would you do different if you started
again? didn't you know your wife before getting married?
It would be nice to get an answer to these questions as from my side
of the fence it looks like anything can be worked out... contrary to
this almost 50% of marriages end up in divorce; why?
LV
I hate to say this, but one of the things that also helped me move on
was dating. It took a few dates for me to remember what it was like to
be treated like a man. I remember being _shocked_ when a girl walked
into my apt and kissed me! Wow! Resuscitate me! That hadn't happened in
ten years!
Does your work have a health plan? Your PCP should be able to recommend
a therapist, or your work HR personnel should be able to help. That's
how I got my therapist. Also, one website that helped me was this one.
I've gone through the whole site a dozen times.
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/
And for anti-depressants, don't be afraid of them. To me, the fear of
anti-depressants is the same as being afraid of antibiotics. You take
them to get better, that's all. I take Effexor and am not ashamed of
it. Ask your PCP about that, too. She'll (He'll) probably give you some
good info on your options there. Except for weight gain (some of them,
esp. Paxil) and some sexual side effects you either won't mind or won't
notice, anti-depressants are pretty low risk.
I personally haven't read too many books on divorce and the aftermath.
They stress me out. I read something trivial and mind-numbing instead,
something that won't keep me all night turning in introspective torture
-- too much introspection kills, imo.
Hang in there. It's like removing your own kidney, hold the local, but
you'll get through it somehow.
- Saul
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| User: "Mike" |
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| Title: Re: Getting past stuckness |
01 Apr 2005 08:29:12 PM |
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I went through something very similar many years ago. A friend
recommended a book, "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It
is a daily meditation book, and It helped me a lot.
Mike
waywardguy wrote:
Hello. I'm a first time reader/poster to this group. I'm hoping some can
share insights to help.
My wife and I are separated and, I believe, headed for divorce. I'll spare
the details and just say that this is largely my fault - I checked out some
time ago (emotionally) and didn't put the work in to make things succeed.
My challenge is this:
I can't seem to move forward to "finalize" things (i.e. divorce) and move
on. The guilt I've been feeling has been completely immobilizing! I deeply
regret failing my marriage: the impact this has had on my wife, who didn't
deserve it; the impact it's having on my daughter, who wishes our family was
still in tact - compounded by me being an "always does the right thing"
person (and a Catholic). So, the "stain" of this failure and what others
think of it weighs heavily on my mind. I know that I'm not happy - was not
happy - in my marriage, though many aspects of it were good - yet I'm
equally unhappy in this "stuck" state. I can't imagine staying - seems far
too gone at this stage - yet I can't imagine going through with divorce,
given the impact on my wife, daughter and myself.
So, I have been in this state of "stuckness" now for almost two years. I
lived in an apartment for 15 months, then bought a house - but I can't seem
to get over the hurdle and finalize the break-up. This limbo state
continues to take it's toll - I'm tired; unmotivated; and I seem to make no
progress on any front. I feel hopeless now and for what lies ahead - in
short, I believe I am depressed.
I would appreciate any thoughts you could share. I believe I should seek
therapy, but I'm not sure how to find a good therapist. I'm not sure about
medication options and what risks/benefits they would bring to the table.
I'm seeking advice/counsel from those who've been "stuck" - at an impasse
where any of the options does not look doable - and how you were able to
address it and move forward. I can't keep living the way I'm living - but I
can't see myself living with either "option" going forward. How does one
resolve that??? Are there good books you can recommend that might lend some
insight for me? I want to move forward; I want to be happy again; I want to
do the right thing for myself and those I love - I just don't know how to do
it...
Thanks for reading and for any advice you can offer...
.
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| User: "Charles" |
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| Title: Re: Getting past stuckness |
01 Apr 2005 04:00:15 PM |
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On Fri, 1 Apr 2005 16:51:37 -0500, "waywardguy"
<waywardguy2000@yahoo.com> wrote:
Hello. I'm a first time reader/poster to this group. I'm hoping some can
share insights to help.
My wife and I are separated and, I believe, headed for divorce. I'll spare
the details and just say that this is largely my fault - I checked out some
time ago (emotionally) and didn't put the work in to make things succeed.
My challenge is this:
I can't seem to move forward to "finalize" things (i.e. divorce) and move
on. The guilt I've been feeling has been completely immobilizing! I deeply
regret failing my marriage: the impact this has had on my wife, who didn't
deserve it; the impact it's having on my daughter, who wishes our family was
still in tact - compounded by me being an "always does the right thing"
person (and a Catholic). So, the "stain" of this failure and what others
think of it weighs heavily on my mind. I know that I'm not happy - was not
happy - in my marriage, though many aspects of it were good - yet I'm
equally unhappy in this "stuck" state. I can't imagine staying - seems far
too gone at this stage - yet I can't imagine going through with divorce,
given the impact on my wife, daughter and myself.
So, I have been in this state of "stuckness" now for almost two years. I
lived in an apartment for 15 months, then bought a house - but I can't seem
to get over the hurdle and finalize the break-up. This limbo state
continues to take it's toll - I'm tired; unmotivated; and I seem to make no
progress on any front. I feel hopeless now and for what lies ahead - in
short, I believe I am depressed.
I would appreciate any thoughts you could share. I believe I should seek
therapy, but I'm not sure how to find a good therapist. I'm not sure about
medication options and what risks/benefits they would bring to the table.
I'm seeking advice/counsel from those who've been "stuck" - at an impasse
where any of the options does not look doable - and how you were able to
address it and move forward. I can't keep living the way I'm living - but I
can't see myself living with either "option" going forward. How does one
resolve that??? Are there good books you can recommend that might lend some
insight for me? I want to move forward; I want to be happy again; I want to
do the right thing for myself and those I love - I just don't know how to do
it...
Thanks for reading and for any advice you can offer...
I went through something somewhat similar. One of those nights when
sleep amounted to 30 minutes, I realized what was holding me up. I
had a strong attachment to an idea of myself who could fix things, who
didn't believe in divorce, etc. I was going to have to give up that
idea of myself before I could move on. It was very hard, like cupping
off a major part of my personality, having to give up my good opinion
of myself.
for the depression part, I have little doubt that you are depressed,
fortunately for you it is from circumstances and may well go away when
your circumstances change. For the moment, talk to your Dr. The Dr.
can prescribe medication that will stop some of the obsessive thought
patterns that are obstructing you now and can recommend a suitable
therapist. If you don't know what to tell the Dr., just print out
what you have posted here and take it along.
As for books, I got help from "Feeling Good" by Dr. Burns.
--
Charles
Does not play well with others.
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| User: "saulgoode" |
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| Title: Re: Getting past stuckness |
01 Apr 2005 04:20:00 PM |
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Good point from Charles:
had a strong attachment to an idea of myself who could fix things
Sometimes giving up on unattainable goals is the greatest relief you
can find.
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| User: "dadzillano" |
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| Title: Re: Getting past stuckness |
03 Apr 2005 06:10:31 AM |
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On Fri, 1 Apr 2005 16:51:37 -0500, "waywardguy"
<waywardguy2000@yahoo.com> wrote:
I can't seem to move forward to "finalize" things (i.e. divorce) and move
on. The guilt I've been feeling has been completely immobilizing! I deeply
Snip...
equally unhappy in this "stuck" state. I can't imagine staying - seems far
too gone at this stage - yet I can't imagine going through with divorce,
given the impact on my wife, daughter and myself.
Sometimes the devil you know seems better than the devil you don't.
I'd suggest you sit down and with a peice of paper and pen and write
down exactly why you want a divorce. I suggest this because in your
post you don't state any reason besides a vague unhappiness.
You need to figure out if this is a between you and you spouse or a
problem within yourself.
.
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| User: "Inco Warren" |
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| Title: Re: Getting past stuckness |
03 Apr 2005 05:07:33 PM |
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On Sun, 03 Apr 2005 04:10:31 -0700, dadzilla(no ham)@socket.net wrote:
On Fri, 1 Apr 2005 16:51:37 -0500, "waywardguy"
<waywardguy2000@yahoo.com> wrote:
I can't seem to move forward to "finalize" things (i.e. divorce) and move
on. The guilt I've been feeling has been completely immobilizing! I deeply
Snip...
equally unhappy in this "stuck" state. I can't imagine staying - seems far
too gone at this stage - yet I can't imagine going through with divorce,
given the impact on my wife, daughter and myself.
Sometimes the devil you know seems better than the devil you don't.
I'd suggest you sit down and with a peice of paper and pen and write
down exactly why you want a divorce. I suggest this because in your
post you don't state any reason besides a vague unhappiness.
You need to figure out if this is a between you and you spouse or a
problem within yourself.
I totally agree... it seems that the original poster needed a time out
and is confusing it with divorce???
.
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