| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Kenster" |
| Date: |
17 Jun 2005 06:43:51 AM |
| Object: |
Hello again everyone |
I'm not sure that all of you will remember me but I am Julie, Ken's
(Kenser's) wife. I'm on here again to give some information to you
and to also ask for some information as well.
I'll get the important thing out of the way and let you all know Ken
is in the hospital yet again. He has been there since last weekend.
I will get into more of that in a bit. He may be in for quite some
time as we really aren't sure where this one is coming from.
It's early Friday morning here and I'm off to get some work done
before I head out to the hospital again later this afternoon or early
evening. Ken and I will be meeting again with his psychiatrist late
today. That is the reason for my posting this morning.
I have many things I'd like to say but I am somewhat short on time so
I may only give you condensed versions. I want you all to know that
Ken finds this group to be a very personal thing for him. He has this
group as his own piece of his own where he feels none of us can
corrupt or interfere with. When I say us I mean myself and his
doctors. I want to personally thank all of you for giving him this
place. I don't know if any of you realize it but this group is such a
major part of his life that I'm not sure what he would do without it.
Many of you are a very personal part of his life. I can only assume
that what he tells me about most of you is correct and not his
delusions and ideas of reality. He speaks of people in Canada,
California, Florida, Illinois and so many other places. I don't want
to mention any of you personally but I just wanted you to know that he
considers many of you his personal friends. I don't want to air Ken's
dirty laundry but personal friends is not something he has a lot of so
I thank you for being there for him like you do. I love my husband
and he really is a good man who has been given such an impossible
illness to deal with that it just isn't fair. I wish you all could
have known him like I have. Maybe some of you have seen glimpses of
that person. Like I said, I stay away for the most part because this
place is very private and personal to him. This brings me to a very
hard but so important problem I'm now facing.
I know Ken has had a history here and it has not always been a good
environment for him. Through his therapists and myself we have
devised a little plan that seems to help him out when he falls into
some of his traps. He switches from liking them to hating them all at
the same time. We have laminated papers placed around the house at
locations where he has to see them before he will react to some
internal force or emotion. These are at the door or the phone or his
computer for example. This group, and some of his past issues are
listed on those papers.
Ken had a breakdown over the weekend that we have been trying to piece
together and I think from what we've gathered some of you may be able
to help. I'm in no way newsgroup intelligent and I'm using his own
computer to do this because he already has it set up and it's quite
easy for me to at least post this message.
Ken has had a longterm fixation with demons, evil and criminals. This
is something we've all tried so many times to keep him away from but
it's really not possible. Ken now believes that he has performed some
type of evil or criminal act to people here. He is comparing it to
some pretty amazing criminals of the past. He has basically decided
that his life should be spent in pain because it is only fitting for
the pain he has caused. He's done some major self harm and says he
will continue to do so because it's only fair?
These are the things we've been able to piece together from what he's
been saying and describing. He's not been very lucid and it's very
hard to understand what or where this is coming from. I've had no
indication whatsoever that he has done anything here like he did in
the past so I'm really at a loss as to what may have triggered all
this.
I hope you will all understand I'm not trying to open a can of worms
or bring up past pains for anyone. I'm simply trying to gather some
information so that we can help my husband in getting through this
somehow. I'm not sure what any of you know of his past but this may
be one of the worst I've seen for him and that it why I'm here asking
and telling such things.
I will come back home later this afternoon before going to the
hospital to check this newsgroup. I also have Kens password for his
Hotmail account if any of you have that email address and would like
to respond privately. Actually that may be best as I'm not sure what
this may bring out and I'm not trying to do damage or bring hurt to my
husband in this group of all places. He's given me this password in
the past so please don't feel I'm breaking any trusts with him by
having it. He is okay with that.
I must go now and get to work. I'm just asking that if any of you
could shed some light on what may have happened to trigger this please
let me know. Did something happen on the group that made him start
thinking of all these past problems? I really need your help as does
Ken. Thanks to any of you who can help.
Julie
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
|
| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
17 Jun 2005 04:47:26 PM |
|
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"Kenster" <kensterbpd@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:iqb5b15j47nrlvn4e5uhbut2bheb9mu6an@4ax.com...
I must go now and get to work. I'm just asking that if any of you
could shed some light on what may have happened to trigger this please
let me know. Did something happen on the group that made him start
thinking of all these past problems? I really need your help as does
Ken. Thanks to any of you who can help.
Julie
Hello Julie
I live in Canada. Born and raised. Several others of us here as well.
That much of the information Ken shared with you is true, if in question.
Ken has been in really good spirits. Posting some really hilarious and
engaging threads that had us laughing. Probably the happiest and most lucid
I have seen him in quite some time. We have come to expect that *presence*
to creep up on him and rear its ugly head every so often. But I honestly
thought and hoped it might be gone for a long while this time. He was doing
so well. I can't think of any one specific incident or event that might
have triggered it. Nor can I think of anyone in here that he has - or
"thinks" he has - performed evil or criminal acts against. These things
often seem to come out of no where for him. It is difficult to reach him
when he is in that place. It's as if he "hears" all the good things we say
to him, but that *presence* won't let him believe them. Ken is such a good
and decent man. He speaks about his family with absolute adoration and
love. I hope his doctors can get him back on track soon. I want to finish
by thanking you for letting us know he is in hospital. We tend to worry
when a regular stops showing up in group. I don't know how helpful this has
been. Some I hope. I wish you all the best and will keep all of you in my
thoughts and prayers.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
"All those who believe in psychokinesis
raise my hand."
.
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| User: "gravity" |
|
| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
18 Jun 2005 04:03:50 PM |
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i enjoyed Ken's presence, although he makes me paranoid sometimes. he seems
like a nice guy. i hope he gets out of the hospital soon.
he may need to take a break from the Internet or regular hobbies, and try
something off the beaten path. i've had to do that in the past. with
depression, sometimes it pays to break old habits (temporarily at least).
all the best to you and Ken.
m.
.
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| User: "Luna" |
|
| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
17 Jun 2005 10:39:30 AM |
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Hi again Julie,
We've talked before some time ago.
Right before Ken's last post here he had been making some really insightful and
amusing posts, cracking a lot of us up. He'd been writing some hilarious
parodies featuring our resident autistic nazi. He actually seemed to be lighter
and his humour was very, very bright and funny. I thought he was doing better
than he had been for quite a while.
Then came the post I'm going to cut and paste for you below. I'm wondering if
he's torturing himself over the whole Memory Man incident again, his remorse
over that whole episode seems to rear it's head periodically. Anyway, here's
the last post he made before he stopped posting and apparently ended up
hospitalized yet again.
(Please tell Ken Jean says hi)
Here is Ken's post:
I've learned. . . that you can do something in an instant that will
give you heartache for life.
This one is the one that I think will haunt me forever. Have you ever
done things that you just can't forgive/forget of yourself? In trying
to forget or forgive yourself of these things you are just constantly
reminding yourself of what you did to begin with?
The worst part about that whole sentence is it seems so damn selfish.
As much as you say you have done something to give yourself a
heartache for life, it is not even close to the heartache you've given
to those in return. It's a sad state of affairs. Your pain is only a
fraction of what you've given. The process of trying to
forget/forgive it all is simply not possible for a normal person with
even simple human emotions.
I guess I'll never understand the criminal mind. I'll never
understand the people who can cause the amount of pain and heartache
they cause and never feel any remorse/regret anything for their
actions. It's just beyond me. How can a person look back at what
they've done, even if they were completely unaware of their actions at
the time, but still continue as if they are not somehow a cause of so
much pain? How can does a person truly live with that in their mind?
Is it really possible, or is the torment the reason for the continued
spiral?
I've tried. I've really, really tried. I can't forget and I can't
forgive the past. Do you ever just think maybe their are people in
the world who do not deserve to be supported or helped or whatever?
Sometimes you wonder about people not being able to be "reformed".
Maybe there are times when you just have to say it's not worth taking
a chance with some people. Maybe those people aren't worthy of what
you've given them. They'll never feel the pain you did and why should
you forgive them for that? Maybe it's best to pity those people and
move on with your lives and be happy you don't have such disgusting,
evil, fucked up people in your lives.
I don't know anymore. I'm sitting here at 2:00am and it's all just
too much sometimes. I sit here and think of pain. When I'm done
being selfish and thinking of myself, I start thinking of others.
Pain. Pain. Pain. Doctors, Nurses, on a scale of 1 to 10 what is your
pain? They just don't understand pain at all. Yeah, give me some
"pain" medicine and bring me down to a 1. What can you give to the
people I put on a 10 and there's no fucking medicine in the world that
will ever take that pain away. No medicine to take that memory away.
Every time they see me, hear of me, think of me, even have memories of
their pasts....I will be there in the shadows as a reminder of their
pain. What a fucking evil ***** I am.
I've tried to reconcile this in my mind. I tried to forget it all.
It's just not possible. How can it be possible when you know what
you've done? It's not possible to forgive yourself of something that
is unforgivable. Everyone in the world can forgive/forget or whatever
you want to call it, but if you have any kind of heart beating in your
chest at all, you'll never be able to do it yourself. You'll sit at 3
in the morning and remember their names, remember the things you said,
things you shouldn't have said, things that are just beyond normal,
human compassion, and then you'll know as haunted as you are by your
own actions....think about how haunted they must be by what you did.
Imagine how in an instant you changed their lives forever and did so
many bad things to so many good people who never deserved to even know
you existed.
I've got my little cheat sheet though. It reminds me everyday who not
to call, who is not real, where not to go, what not to do....I just
read my little cheat sheets and I know how to be a good person. I
have to be reminded how to be a good person. How much more evil can
you be?
I'm sorry...I'm so fucking unbelievably sorry for it all. This isn't
a cry out because of my pain. ***** please don't think that. This
is me wanting to say I haven't forgotten and never will forgive myself
for it all. This is just me letting you know that I did cause myself
a life of heartache. But I sit here and I know I've cause you a
lifetime of so much more than that. I just wanted you to know that.
I wanted you to know that I know that. I think about it. I see it on
my paper every day. If it makes you feel better to forgive and all
that then please do...just know that I never could and never will.
Your pain is bigger than my happiness will ever be. Deep, deep inside
this fucked up piece of evil ***** there really is a man who cares
about things. You certainly wouldn't know that...you have know reason
to. I just wanted you to know that I really do care and the pain I
caused you is just not forgivable. I know that now.....It's important
for me that you know this now. You equals all of you. You know who
You are. There are many and if you think this is about you than it
most cerainly is....
I can offer nothing more than the weak words of i'm sorry on a
computer screen. It just doesn't seem like a fraction in comparison.
Please understand that if I knew how to make this better I would. If
I knew how to go back in time and make it not real I would. I can't
though, and your lifetime of heartache is still going on. I'll be
with you forever now. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that I'm
an evil presence in the lives of people here on earth.
Some people just don't deserve to be forgiven. Some people just don't
deserve to live....
"Kenster" <kensterbpd@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:iqb5b15j47nrlvn4e5uhbut2bheb9mu6an@4ax.com...
I'm not sure that all of you will remember me but I am Julie, Ken's
(Kenser's) wife. I'm on here again to give some information to you
and to also ask for some information as well.
I'll get the important thing out of the way and let you all know Ken
is in the hospital yet again. He has been there since last weekend.
I will get into more of that in a bit. He may be in for quite some
time as we really aren't sure where this one is coming from.
It's early Friday morning here and I'm off to get some work done
before I head out to the hospital again later this afternoon or early
evening. Ken and I will be meeting again with his psychiatrist late
today. That is the reason for my posting this morning.
I have many things I'd like to say but I am somewhat short on time so
I may only give you condensed versions. I want you all to know that
Ken finds this group to be a very personal thing for him. He has this
group as his own piece of his own where he feels none of us can
corrupt or interfere with. When I say us I mean myself and his
doctors. I want to personally thank all of you for giving him this
place. I don't know if any of you realize it but this group is such a
major part of his life that I'm not sure what he would do without it.
Many of you are a very personal part of his life. I can only assume
that what he tells me about most of you is correct and not his
delusions and ideas of reality. He speaks of people in Canada,
California, Florida, Illinois and so many other places. I don't want
to mention any of you personally but I just wanted you to know that he
considers many of you his personal friends. I don't want to air Ken's
dirty laundry but personal friends is not something he has a lot of so
I thank you for being there for him like you do. I love my husband
and he really is a good man who has been given such an impossible
illness to deal with that it just isn't fair. I wish you all could
have known him like I have. Maybe some of you have seen glimpses of
that person. Like I said, I stay away for the most part because this
place is very private and personal to him. This brings me to a very
hard but so important problem I'm now facing.
I know Ken has had a history here and it has not always been a good
environment for him. Through his therapists and myself we have
devised a little plan that seems to help him out when he falls into
some of his traps. He switches from liking them to hating them all at
the same time. We have laminated papers placed around the house at
locations where he has to see them before he will react to some
internal force or emotion. These are at the door or the phone or his
computer for example. This group, and some of his past issues are
listed on those papers.
Ken had a breakdown over the weekend that we have been trying to piece
together and I think from what we've gathered some of you may be able
to help. I'm in no way newsgroup intelligent and I'm using his own
computer to do this because he already has it set up and it's quite
easy for me to at least post this message.
Ken has had a longterm fixation with demons, evil and criminals. This
is something we've all tried so many times to keep him away from but
it's really not possible. Ken now believes that he has performed some
type of evil or criminal act to people here. He is comparing it to
some pretty amazing criminals of the past. He has basically decided
that his life should be spent in pain because it is only fitting for
the pain he has caused. He's done some major self harm and says he
will continue to do so because it's only fair?
These are the things we've been able to piece together from what he's
been saying and describing. He's not been very lucid and it's very
hard to understand what or where this is coming from. I've had no
indication whatsoever that he has done anything here like he did in
the past so I'm really at a loss as to what may have triggered all
this.
I hope you will all understand I'm not trying to open a can of worms
or bring up past pains for anyone. I'm simply trying to gather some
information so that we can help my husband in getting through this
somehow. I'm not sure what any of you know of his past but this may
be one of the worst I've seen for him and that it why I'm here asking
and telling such things.
I will come back home later this afternoon before going to the
hospital to check this newsgroup. I also have Kens password for his
Hotmail account if any of you have that email address and would like
to respond privately. Actually that may be best as I'm not sure what
this may bring out and I'm not trying to do damage or bring hurt to my
husband in this group of all places. He's given me this password in
the past so please don't feel I'm breaking any trusts with him by
having it. He is okay with that.
I must go now and get to work. I'm just asking that if any of you
could shed some light on what may have happened to trigger this please
let me know. Did something happen on the group that made him start
thinking of all these past problems? I really need your help as does
Ken. Thanks to any of you who can help.
Julie
.
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
17 Jun 2005 11:47:39 PM |
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|
I'm sorry to hear about Ken's relapse. Some weeks ago, he was clearly
pretty delusional, then he seemed to improve and be feeling pretty
good. He wrote a lot of amusing and enjoyable posts.
I'm guessing he has periodic relapses? That's a real shame. I hope
he's better soon.
And yes, we are all over the place (geographically and otherwise) in
this group.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
.
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
17 Jun 2005 04:18:53 PM |
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Luna <lunajean@gmail.com> wrote:
Hi again Julie,
We've talked before some time ago.
Right before Ken's last post here he had been making some really insightful and
amusing posts, cracking a lot of us up.
Luna's got the sequence right as I recall it. Before the funny
posts, there was a bad time (the "red eyes" etc) Then he discussed
that bad time, said it was the illness. Then came the funny posts,
together with more thoughtful ones, and the "unforgiveble" one.
I can find all or most of his recent posts but not today, not before
Saturday night.
.
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| User: "gravity" |
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| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
18 Jun 2005 04:02:12 PM |
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"Contrarian" <adrba65@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:17Hse.3775$Tf5.3132@newsread1.mlpsca01.us.to.verio.net...
Luna's got the sequence right as I recall it. Before the funny
posts, there was a bad time (the "red eyes" etc) Then he discussed
that bad time, said it was the illness. Then came the funny posts,
together with more thoughtful ones, and the "unforgiveble" one.
sometimes there's an "eye of the storm" during psychosis. things will seem
relatively normal right before the ***** hits the fan. i have never *fully*
cracked, but that has been my experience.
i found Ken's posts to be funny and light-hearted, although he did pick on
Millipede Man.
m.
.
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| User: "Luna" |
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| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
17 Jun 2005 07:37:14 PM |
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"Contrarian" <adrba65@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:17Hse.3775$Tf5.3132@newsread1.mlpsca01.us.to.verio.net...
Luna <lunajean@gmail.com> wrote:
Hi again Julie,
We've talked before some time ago.
Right before Ken's last post here he had been making some really insightful
and
amusing posts, cracking a lot of us up.
Luna's got the sequence right as I recall it. Before the funny
posts, there was a bad time (the "red eyes" etc) Then he discussed
that bad time, said it was the illness. Then came the funny posts,
together with more thoughtful ones, and the "unforgiveble" one.
That's how I recall it too. He had a really bad time, obsessed with demons and
a little before that talking about getting out of his family's life for 'their
own sake'. Then he went through a pretty good time, proudly showing off his boys
and pets and his own cool personal take on things. With Ken it seems to hit
hard and really, really fast.
I can find all or most of his recent posts but not today, not before
Saturday night.
Nope, I guess because he's been in the hospital. I hope they get him figured
out and stabilized soon.
.
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| User: "yuluwirri" |
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| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
18 Jun 2005 03:04:06 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
On Fri, 17 Jun 2005 20:37:14 -0400, "Luna" <lunajean@gmail.com> wrote:
"Contrarian" <adrba65@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:17Hse.3775$Tf5.3132@newsread1.mlpsca01.us.to.verio.net...
Luna <lunajean@gmail.com> wrote:
Hi again Julie,
We've talked before some time ago.
Right before Ken's last post here he had been making some really insightful
and
amusing posts, cracking a lot of us up.
Luna's got the sequence right as I recall it. Before the funny
posts, there was a bad time (the "red eyes" etc) Then he discussed
that bad time, said it was the illness. Then came the funny posts,
together with more thoughtful ones, and the "unforgiveble" one.
That's how I recall it too. He had a really bad time, obsessed with demons and
a little before that talking about getting out of his family's life for 'their
own sake'. Then he went through a pretty good time, proudly showing off his boys
and pets and his own cool personal take on things. With Ken it seems to hit
hard and really, really fast.
I can find all or most of his recent posts but not today, not before
Saturday night.
Nope, I guess because he's been in the hospital. I hope they get him figured
out and stabilized soon.
Me too. Thank you Luna for this.
Julie, my heart goes out to you and Ken. I truly hope that there is
some light at the end of the tunnel for both of you.
He loves you and his kids dearly and speaks of you with warmth and
much affection.
Please take care, and I hope that you are getting some support for
yourself as well.
Say gidday to Ken from Grace and let him know that we are all thinking
of him and wishing him the best.
--
yuluwirri
~~~~~~~
Fish know.
~~~~~~~
yuluwirri@hotmail.com
.
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| User: "Whiskers" |
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| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
17 Jun 2005 05:04:59 PM |
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On 2005-06-17, Kenster <kensterbpd@hotmail.com> wrote:
I'm not sure that all of you will remember me but I am Julie, Ken's
(Kenser's) wife. I'm on here again to give some information to you
and to also ask for some information as well.
I'll get the important thing out of the way and let you all know Ken
is in the hospital yet again. He has been there since last weekend.
I will get into more of that in a bit. He may be in for quite some
time as we really aren't sure where this one is coming from.
It's early Friday morning here and I'm off to get some work done
before I head out to the hospital again later this afternoon or early
evening. Ken and I will be meeting again with his psychiatrist late
today. That is the reason for my posting this morning.
snip
Hello Julie; I don't remember if we've 'met' before.
I honestly have no idea what Kenster is currently feeling guilty about. He
has tried to describe his feelings of guilt in here sometimes, but there
didn't seem to be any focus or origin that made any sense to me (a layman).
The feelings are clearly all too real to him, though.
I only know Kenster from here, and the person I know is basically kind and
intelligent and caring, despite his troubles. I know he appreciates your
love and patience.
Thankyou for letting us know that he is being cared for. I'm sad that he
is so ill, and I hope he makes a good recovery in due course.
Please give him my best wishes. You and your family are in my thoughts.
If you think it might help to see what Kenster has been writing recently,
this Google search might be useful:
<http://groups-beta.google.com/groups?as_q=&num=10&as_scoring=d&hl=en&btnG=G
oogle+Search&as_epq=&as_oq=&as_eq=&as_ugroup=*support*&as_usubject=&as_uauth
ors=kenster&as_umsgid=&lr=&as_drrb=q&as_qdr=y&as_mind=12&as_minm=5&as_miny=1
981&as_maxd=17&as_maxm=6&as_maxy=2005&safe=images>
or <http://makeashorterlink.com/?H50A2284B> (that goes to the same place!).
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^
-- Whiskers
-- ~~~~~~~~~~
.
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| User: "millipede man, with millie, mollie, and the mites" |
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| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
18 Jun 2005 10:45:03 AM |
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Whiskers wrote:
On 2005-06-17, Kenster <kensterbpd@hotmail.com> wrote:
I'm not sure that all of you will remember me but I am Julie, Ken's
(Kenser's) wife. I'm on here again to give some information to you
and to also ask for some information as well.
I'll get the important thing out of the way and let you all know Ken
is in the hospital yet again. He has been there since last weekend.
Good riddance! I hope he stays there for a very long time!
I will get into more of that in a bit. He may be in for quite some
time as we really aren't sure where this one is coming from.
It's early Friday morning here and I'm off to get some work done
before I head out to the hospital again later this afternoon or early
evening. Ken and I will be meeting again with his psychiatrist late
today. That is the reason for my posting this morning.
I certainly hope they don't let that scumbag out of the hospital any
time soon.
--
- millipede man, with millie, mollie, and the mites
.
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| User: "gravity" |
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| Title: Re: Hello again everyone |
17 Jun 2005 01:26:47 PM |
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hang in there Kenster (and Julie). i know the hospital can be boring and
drab (i've been there). but things will be better soon.
m.
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