hi my name is matt and my girlfriend is what i believe to be severely
depressed. both of us are 20 and her depression really snuck up on us.
a month ago she ended up being hospitalized for 12 days. she told me
that she was diagnosed with depression with psychotic features. she was
placed on paxil, risperdal and cogentin. recently about a week ago she
was taken off the risperdal and cogentin will soon go the same way.
she's on 12.5mg of paxil at the moment and im not really sure if that
amount is going to be going up or down.

the effects depression has had on her have devestated her. she cant
concentrate, she has a lot of trouble remembering things, and she has a
very hard time reading. she is plagued by an uncontrollable guilt about
everyone she has a relationship with. this guilt she describes as
"Feeling like a *****" whenever she talks to her friends, her family,
and even me. she slowly began more and more to distance herselves from
her friends. her family does not help very much. they act as if this is
just going to fix itself. the way she describes her actions is that she
feels like they believe that she just has a motivational problem, and
that she is just wallowing in her depression. she cant really go
anywhere because they dont let her out. all she does is stay inside at
home. she wants to go out but her parents are blind to the fact that it
is beginning to make her feel caged like an animal. her family blames
me and her friends for everything that is happening to her. she knows
though that this is not true, they're just trying to find a scapegoat.
it is really sad.

i have been her only outlet throughout this whole ordeal. we have
gotten so close in the past that i guess our connection was strong
enough to handle the guilt. the ineptness her family has displayed has
furthered that connection between us. none of them are sensitive to her
depression (think she's lazy, say things that tear her down). nobody
tells her any of the side effects of the medicines she's on, so she
ends up blaming herself for the emotions, mood swings, etc etc. at
times it takes hours to convince her of these things. she tells me
anything and everything about how she feels and what she thinks about
this and that. so far i have been doing a good job of dispelling many
of the negative feelings she has been having.

the problem came about just a few days ago. she called me and told me
that the guilt that she had was too overwhelming. she told me that she
can't take hurting me anymore. she says that all she ever does is hurt
me and never make me happy. i figured she was delusional because that
is completely untrue.she kept telling me how much she cares about me
and how much she loves everything that we do together. she told me she
loves the way i make her feel. she told me that she wants to be with me
but the guilt was just too much. it was so sad. it was like she was
giving herself the death penalty for jaywalking or shoplifting. i tried
and tried, telling her that one of the main ways that depression
perpetuates itself is by causing you to give up the things that make
you happy. i told her that instead of outward agression, depression is
inward agression. i begged her not to hurt herself like this, that her
hand was on the stove but she couldnt feel the pain.

i ended up failing that night but the next day her friend was able to
get through to her. in order to sort of "get around" the guilt, her
friend took the angle of US wanting to be a part of HER life, and that
it would be a privilege. she came around and agreed that if she is
going to get better and stay better she should keep everyone she cares
about, not shut them out. this brings us to the next battle. we got
together again, that was cool. the problem lies in the fact that now
that the guilt is circumvented, inadequacy still torments her. she all
she has been telling me is that i can "do better" . she repeatedly
tells me that she just keeps "taking" from me. she says that she is too
ugly for me. she says that she doesnt want me to love her because i'm
not obligated to "Deal with her. this tears me up inside whenever i
hear it. she tells me that she thinks that she is ruining my life and
weighing me down. all of these things that she are saying are
completely untrue. every time we hang out i plan out these elaborate
suprises to make her feel special and loved. each of those times she
DOES feel special and happy and loved. the problem is that in between
those times that we get to hang out she sinks into her thoughts of
inadequacy. this doesnt exist between us just as a boyfriend and
girlfriend of course. this also extends to her relationships with her
family and friends.

rewinding a little bit. she was diagnosed with depression while she was
17. while she was depressed that time, she cut herself off from her
friends the same way she nearly did the other day. she told me about
how she stayed home and did nothing. many times in the past she has
mentioned that she wished she did things differently in the past, and
that she didnt throw away 2 years of her life. if she is overwhelmed by
the guilt so much that she cuts herself off, i know that she will be
regretting this the same way. i have to prevent that from happening.
its like a cycle of depression that will just keep repeating itself,
and that it will get worse each time. she even told me that the first
time it was not nearly this bad, like she could still read and go to
school and stuff. i cant let her flush it all down the drain again. i
dont want her to let the guilt/inadequacy enslave her.


she is starting cognitive behavioral therapy on thursday and i really
hope that will start to turn things around. i know that its not an
overnight thing but every little bit helps, and those little bits add
up to a lot over time. i have tried so many different things to dispel
this inadequate feeling she has.her friends are actively calling her
much more often after i told them that things suddenly got worse when
we all thought it was getting better. we're having a little success but
i am feeling like we're running out of time. i feel that eventually her
guilt will overrun her again and this time she'll be so deep in that
nobody will be able to reach her. i have been reading various groups
for help this past month and i have learned a lot of very useful
information. i am hoping that some of you on this board will be able to
help me out. she means everything to me and its killing me inside that
she has to feel this way. she doesnt deserve it.

please help. thanks for reading this. i will greatly appreciate any
ideas anyone has to say about this. thanks again

-matt

the problem came about just a few days ago. she called me and told me
that the guilt that she had was too overwhelming. she told me that she
can't take hurting me anymore. she says that all she ever does is hurt
me and never make me happy. i figured she was delusional because that
is completely untrue.

she kept telling me how much she cares about me
and how much she loves everything that we do together. she told me she
loves the way i make her feel. she told me that she wants to be with me
but the guilt was just too much. it was so sad.