| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"" |
| Date: |
17 Apr 2007 09:59:24 PM |
| Object: |
I don't know what I have |
I don't know what I have, but I wanted to tell someone:
I don't go out of my room or my house unless it's extremely necessary.
I don't eat or buy groceries unless I think that I really need to eat.
I'm trying to get my sleep patter normal again, but it's not working;
I fall asleep on the floor trying to do homework, or I just lie on the
floor thinking that I will feel uncomfortable enough so I won't fall
asleep. I don't like going to sleep, and I don't know why, but I'm
trying to change that. Sometimes I can go to sleep realy (for me early
it's like 2am), but I feel very sleepy during the day, and I end up
oversleeping in constrast to not sleeping at all like before.
I had an ex-gf who would visit me sometimes, but I said something that
was hurtful when I most needed her around, and I don't think she's
coming back. I think that my feelings are like in an up and down ride.
Sometimes I feel very optimistic, sometimes I feel very sad, and
sometimes I am very angry. I hate to confess this, but I'm just going
to say it: I cry silently every day, and I feel like a hollow in my
chest. It hurts, but not like an injury hurts. It's like an emptiness
that hurts in my chest, but I know there's nothing wrong there.
I also have phrases that play over and over in my head. Sometimes I
can stop them, and other times I just let them be.
I try to be optimistic whenever I remember, but maybe I can't because
I don't have enough motive to move on. I was thinking on getting a
puppy because I had a dog, and it really helped, and I know I'm a good
dog owner, but I think I don't have enough money to take care of a
dog. I forgot to mention that I don't have a job anymore. I have
thought about death, but I know I'm not going to end it like that
because I promised I won't do it, years ago, and I keep my promises.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I will completely lose control over my own
mind. I'm afraid that won't be able to distinguish fake from reality.
And there was one day or two that I felt like I was trapped. I wanted
to get out of my own mind, but I could not. I gave in, and God made me
sleep, so I would not feel pain anymore. I don't like sleeping, but I
think God makes me sleepy so I won't feel pain sometimes. I'm also
scared to talk about this because it scares normal people. Sometimes I
can't even drive because I can't focus like I could before. Sometimes
I feel better just staring at nothing, just letting my mind numb for a
while.
I don't know what I have, but I know it's not okay. I'm afraid the
past is repeting itself. I can almost feel it happenning all over
again, the same things, the same waste of time. I know I have to do
things differently, but how. It's very hard to know what is right or
wrong in this state of mind. It's hard to think and figure it out. I
don't know what I have. Sometimes I think that I already lost my mind
and I haven't realized it or I can't realize it because crazy people
don't know they are crazy. I'm starting to hear things. Like I'm
walking around the house, and I hear the TV on, but when I go check
it's not on. Or like when I wake up I think someone ringged the door
bell, I get up and check, but no one's there. Very often I think that
my phone is ringing or that it's going to ring, but it's not. I am
starting to doubt the things I do or I don't do. I check the day of
the week several times during the day because I freak out that it may
be a day when I'm supposed to be at school. I sometimes look at the
clock and I don't know if it's 3am or 3pm. It's starting to feel
lonely inside my head.
The other day I found someone in an online game community that was
going to check in into a mental hospital, and I felt like I had found
my kin. I thought I had finally found somewhere were I belonged, but I
guess not. She was go far gone in her mind that she could not relate.
And I know because I have been there, and when that happens one just
can't see outside our own mind. It blinds. It hurts. It numbs focus
and concentration. "Where do I belong?", I asked myself. Maybe I do
not belong anywhere; I'm just here among everything and everyone, but
separate.
I am getting so sleepy right now. God is making me sleep because
telling all this hurts. I feel so sleepy, I think I'm going to lean on
the wall just a few minutes. I don't lie down because I know I won't
wake up until tomorrow. God don't make me sleep; please don't make me
sleep. I don't want to sleep. But sleep is your soothing bless.
.
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
|
| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
17 Apr 2007 10:24:58 PM |
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wrote...
I don't know what I have, but I wanted to tell someone:
I don't go out of my room or my house unless it's extremely
necessary. I don't eat or buy groceries unless I think that
I really need to eat.
I'm trying to get my sleep patter normal again, but it's
not working; I fall asleep on the floor trying to do
homework, or I just lie on the floor thinking that I will
feel uncomfortable enough so I won't fall asleep. I don't
like going to sleep, and I don't know why, but I'm trying
to change that. Sometimes I can go to sleep realy (for me
early it's like 2am), but I feel very sleepy during the
day, and I end up oversleeping in constrast to not sleeping
at all like before.
I had an ex-gf who would visit me sometimes, but I said
something that was hurtful when I most needed her around,
and I don't think she's coming back. I think that my
feelings are like in an up and down ride. Sometimes I feel
very optimistic, sometimes I feel very sad, and sometimes I
am very angry. I hate to confess this, but I'm just going
to say it: I cry silently every day, and I feel like a
hollow in my chest. It hurts, but not like an injury hurts.
It's like an emptiness that hurts in my chest, but I know
there's nothing wrong there.
I also have phrases that play over and over in my head.
Sometimes I can stop them, and other times I just let them
be.
I try to be optimistic whenever I remember, but maybe I
can't because I don't have enough motive to move on. I was
thinking on getting a puppy because I had a dog, and it
really helped, and I know I'm a good dog owner, but I think
I don't have enough money to take care of a dog. I forgot
to mention that I don't have a job anymore. I have thought
about death, but I know I'm not going to end it like that
because I promised I won't do it, years ago, and I keep my
promises.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I will completely lose control
over my own mind. I'm afraid that won't be able to
distinguish fake from reality. And there was one day or two
that I felt like I was trapped. I wanted to get out of my
own mind, but I could not. I gave in, and God made me
sleep, so I would not feel pain anymore. I don't like
sleeping, but I think God makes me sleepy so I won't feel
pain sometimes. I'm also scared to talk about this because
it scares normal people. Sometimes I can't even drive
because I can't focus like I could before. Sometimes I feel
better just staring at nothing, just letting my mind numb
for a while.
I don't know what I have, but I know it's not okay. I'm
afraid the past is repeting itself. I can almost feel it
happenning all over again, the same things, the same waste
of time. I know I have to do things differently, but how.
It's very hard to know what is right or wrong in this state
of mind. It's hard to think and figure it out. I don't know
what I have. Sometimes I think that I already lost my mind
and I haven't realized it or I can't realize it because
crazy people don't know they are crazy. I'm starting to
hear things. Like I'm walking around the house, and I hear
the TV on, but when I go check it's not on. Or like when I
wake up I think someone ringged the door bell, I get up and
check, but no one's there. Very often I think that my phone
is ringing or that it's going to ring, but it's not. I am
starting to doubt the things I do or I don't do. I check
the day of the week several times during the day because I
freak out that it may be a day when I'm supposed to be at
school. I sometimes look at the clock and I don't know if
it's 3am or 3pm. It's starting to feel lonely inside my
head.
The other day I found someone in an online game community
that was going to check in into a mental hospital, and I
felt like I had found my kin. I thought I had finally found
somewhere were I belonged, but I guess not. She was go far
gone in her mind that she could not relate. And I know
because I have been there, and when that happens one just
can't see outside our own mind. It blinds. It hurts. It
numbs focus and concentration. "Where do I belong?", I
asked myself. Maybe I do not belong anywhere; I'm just here
among everything and everyone, but separate.
I am getting so sleepy right now. God is making me sleep
because telling all this hurts. I feel so sleepy, I think
I'm going to lean on the wall just a few minutes. I don't
lie down because I know I won't wake up until tomorrow. God
don't make me sleep; please don't make me sleep. I don't
want to sleep. But sleep is your soothing bless.
Sounds like depression to me. You should check with a doctor
if you can, since some medical conditions can cause symptoms
of depression, as well. Many communities have a sliding-scale
fee clinic for mental health. You could get checked out there
by a psychiatrist, whether or not you want to take meds. At
least have the basics like thyroid function checked. You might
also do well to try talking to a therapist. If you don't know
where to look, try calling your local crisis hotline. They can
refer you to someplace for treatment.
Keep posting here, if it helps. We'll listen.
-lisa
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 03:49:01 AM |
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|
<aptu_isaac@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1176865164.839586.34250@o5g2000hsb.googlegroups.com...
I don't know what I have, but I wanted to tell someone:
I don't go out of my room or my house unless it's extremely necessary.
I don't eat or buy groceries unless I think that I really need to eat.
I'm trying to get my sleep patter normal again, but it's not working;
I fall asleep on the floor trying to do homework, or I just lie on the
floor thinking that I will feel uncomfortable enough so I won't fall
asleep. I don't like going to sleep, and I don't know why, but I'm
trying to change that. Sometimes I can go to sleep realy (for me early
it's like 2am), but I feel very sleepy during the day, and I end up
oversleeping in constrast to not sleeping at all like before.
I had an ex-gf who would visit me sometimes, but I said something that
was hurtful when I most needed her around, and I don't think she's
coming back. I think that my feelings are like in an up and down ride.
Sometimes I feel very optimistic, sometimes I feel very sad, and
sometimes I am very angry. I hate to confess this, but I'm just going
to say it: I cry silently every day, and I feel like a hollow in my
chest. It hurts, but not like an injury hurts. It's like an emptiness
that hurts in my chest, but I know there's nothing wrong there.
I also have phrases that play over and over in my head. Sometimes I
can stop them, and other times I just let them be.
I try to be optimistic whenever I remember, but maybe I can't because
I don't have enough motive to move on. I was thinking on getting a
puppy because I had a dog, and it really helped, and I know I'm a good
dog owner, but I think I don't have enough money to take care of a
dog. I forgot to mention that I don't have a job anymore. I have
thought about death, but I know I'm not going to end it like that
because I promised I won't do it, years ago, and I keep my promises.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I will completely lose control over my own
mind. I'm afraid that won't be able to distinguish fake from reality.
And there was one day or two that I felt like I was trapped. I wanted
to get out of my own mind, but I could not. I gave in, and God made me
sleep, so I would not feel pain anymore. I don't like sleeping, but I
think God makes me sleepy so I won't feel pain sometimes. I'm also
scared to talk about this because it scares normal people. Sometimes I
can't even drive because I can't focus like I could before. Sometimes
I feel better just staring at nothing, just letting my mind numb for a
while.
I don't know what I have, but I know it's not okay. I'm afraid the
past is repeting itself. I can almost feel it happenning all over
again, the same things, the same waste of time. I know I have to do
things differently, but how. It's very hard to know what is right or
wrong in this state of mind. It's hard to think and figure it out. I
don't know what I have. Sometimes I think that I already lost my mind
and I haven't realized it or I can't realize it because crazy people
don't know they are crazy. I'm starting to hear things. Like I'm
walking around the house, and I hear the TV on, but when I go check
it's not on. Or like when I wake up I think someone ringged the door
bell, I get up and check, but no one's there. Very often I think that
my phone is ringing or that it's going to ring, but it's not. I am
starting to doubt the things I do or I don't do. I check the day of
the week several times during the day because I freak out that it may
be a day when I'm supposed to be at school. I sometimes look at the
clock and I don't know if it's 3am or 3pm. It's starting to feel
lonely inside my head.
The other day I found someone in an online game community that was
going to check in into a mental hospital, and I felt like I had found
my kin. I thought I had finally found somewhere were I belonged, but I
guess not. She was go far gone in her mind that she could not relate.
And I know because I have been there, and when that happens one just
can't see outside our own mind. It blinds. It hurts. It numbs focus
and concentration. "Where do I belong?", I asked myself. Maybe I do
not belong anywhere; I'm just here among everything and everyone, but
separate.
I am getting so sleepy right now. God is making me sleep because
telling all this hurts. I feel so sleepy, I think I'm going to lean on
the wall just a few minutes. I don't lie down because I know I won't
wake up until tomorrow. God don't make me sleep; please don't make me
sleep. I don't want to sleep. But sleep is your soothing bless.
I'm sorry to know you're in so much pain. But you're not alone. Before I
went to my doctor for help I had a lot of the same feelings, thoughts, and
symptoms that you described. Judging from your post you might have
depression but you need to see your family doctor for a proper diagnosis and
I think it's important that you go as soon as possible. With the right
medical intervention you can get well again. Admitting that you cry
silently or that something might be wrong with you is nothing to be ashamed
of. This has happened *to* you, not *because* of you, and whatever your
problem turns out to be it's not your fault. In the meantime hang out here
and talk some more. This is a great group of people, most of whom are happy
to listen. Welcome to ASD. :-)
--
Rhi
.
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| User: "Bitterball" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 06:23:24 AM |
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<aptu_isaac@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1176865164.839586.34250@o5g2000hsb.googlegroups.com...
I don't know what I have, but I wanted to tell someone:
I don't go out of my room or my house unless it's extremely necessary.
I don't eat or buy groceries unless I think that I really need to eat.
I'm trying to get my sleep patter normal again, but it's not working;
I fall asleep on the floor trying to do homework, or I just lie on the
floor thinking that I will feel uncomfortable enough so I won't fall
asleep. I don't like going to sleep, and I don't know why, but I'm
trying to change that. Sometimes I can go to sleep realy (for me early
it's like 2am), but I feel very sleepy during the day, and I end up
oversleeping in constrast to not sleeping at all like before.
I had an ex-gf who would visit me sometimes,
yes it's nice when the ex drops by for sex. i think you should take
advantage of that situation. but there are other women out there.
.
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| User: "electro" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 03:15:10 AM |
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<aptu_isaac@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1176865164.839586.34250@o5g2000hsb.googlegroups.com...
I don't know what I have, but I wanted to tell someone:
I don't go out of my room or my house unless it's extremely necessary.
I don't eat or buy groceries unless I think that I really need to eat.
I'm trying to get my sleep patter normal again, but it's not working;
I fall asleep on the floor trying to do homework, or I just lie on the
floor thinking that I will feel uncomfortable enough so I won't fall
asleep. I don't like going to sleep, and I don't know why, but I'm
trying to change that. Sometimes I can go to sleep realy (for me early
it's like 2am), but I feel very sleepy during the day, and I end up
oversleeping in constrast to not sleeping at all like before.
I had an ex-gf who would visit me sometimes, but I said something that
was hurtful when I most needed her around, and I don't think she's
coming back. I think that my feelings are like in an up and down ride.
Sometimes I feel very optimistic, sometimes I feel very sad, and
sometimes I am very angry. I hate to confess this, but I'm just going
to say it: I cry silently every day, and I feel like a hollow in my
chest. It hurts, but not like an injury hurts. It's like an emptiness
that hurts in my chest, but I know there's nothing wrong there.
<snip>
I used to get that feeling so acutely, when I was most depressed... ..that
is the worst feeling imaginable.. ..and I sympathize..
I hope you can find some support here, and I urge you to help yourself get
out of this pain you are in.. ..do whatever it takes to overcome it. look
for a new job, do things for yourself that you know will help you in the
long run, not just the short run..
ty
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| User: "Bitterball" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 06:28:29 AM |
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<aptu_isaac@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1176865164.839586.34250@o5g2000hsb.googlegroups.com...
I don't know what I have, but I wanted to tell someone:
I don't go out of my room or my house unless it's extremely necessary.
I don't eat or buy groceries unless I think that I really need to eat.
get a bunch of dry goods. like 20 lbs of beans, and some cornbread mixes.
it's only in modern times, that we have so much food we don't know what to
do with it. now that we eliminated starvation (mostly) and disease
(mostly), we sit around and contemplate our navel.
and have you ever seen a catatonic? they can't configure a newsreader, nor
construct a coherent letter. so you are not a psychotic as you think you
are.
i'd suggest you get your ***** to a mental hospital, look around, and see how
good your life is in comparison.
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 09:51:11 AM |
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Patrik aka "the dawggie" is the one I think I can relate the most.
"lisa in mass", "electro", "Rhiannon" are right that I need to see
someone, but I have done that in the past, and I am
scared because it just a waste of time that either makes me worse, or
just makes me pretend I got better so I can get the
hell out of there. The only thing that has workes is talking to God.
If you don't beleive in God, please don't tell me
because is the only thing that I have.
"Bitterball", you are right that when we go to group therapies, we
find out there's nothing in common. The only thing in
common is that we all would kill the group leader if we could get away
with it. I'm joking, I'm sorry "the dawg" would
understand, I think. And, yes, I suspect my ex-gf only wanted sex, but
I do not have sex with her since before we broke up.
I don't know what she wants, really. But I needed her around because
she makes me behave normal, I even pretend that I am
happy, although inside I'm containing anger, fear, and sadness. When
she was around, it was like being in an illusion where
everything is okay, but it's really not. It was a nice illusion.
I woke up optimistic today. So, I'm going to do some stuff, and I'm
going to bang my head on the wall a few times to get
courage to get out of the room, then I'm going to squeese my head with
my hands to get some courage to get out of the
house. I'm going to get in my truck, pinch myself a few times for
concentration, and go search for a new job. I'm so
excited, wish me luck. And today I think is Wednesday, so I'm going to
class. Sometimes I feel like everyone can tell that
I'm not all sane. I feel shame. I feel like if I was naked. But I just
pretend everything is okay. I think I heard
somewhere that one needs to fake it to make it. So I need to do a lot
of faking.
Anyways, since I feel optimistic, I'm going to try again to call a
psychologist or counseling office. Hopefully this time I
would actually do it, I have tried many times. I think I'm sabotaging
myself 'cause when I grab the phone either is already
closed or I don't have the phone number or something. I'm also going
to punch my head a few more times for motivation to go buy something
eat. I have lost so much weight, I don't want to look like skin and
bones. I feel so optimistic today that maybe is not a healthy
optimistic. God gave me another chance. God let me wake up again, so
here I go. I have to do everything today before I get crazy again.
It's like my mood is in an up and down ride: sometimes I'm optimistic,
sometimes I'm very angry, sometimes I am very sad. The worst case
scenario would be to be trapped in my own mind again, losing control.
I have to go, I have so much to do.
.
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| User: "Bitterball" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 12:39:35 PM |
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<aptu_isaac@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1176907871.748766.302480@y80g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...
Patrik aka "the dawggie" is the one I think I can relate the most.
"lisa in mass", "electro", "Rhiannon" are right that I need to see
someone, but I have done that in the past, and I am
scared because it just a waste of time that either makes me worse, or
just makes me pretend I got better so I can get the
hell out of there. The only thing that has workes is talking to God.
If you don't beleive in God, please don't tell me
because is the only thing that I have.
"Bitterball", you are right that when we go to group therapies, we
find out there's nothing in common. The only thing in
common is that we all would kill the group leader if we could get away
with it. I'm joking, I'm sorry "the dawg" would
understand, I think. And, yes, I suspect my ex-gf only wanted sex, but
I do not have sex with her since before we broke up.
I don't know what she wants, really. But I needed her around because
she makes me behave normal, I even pretend that I am
happy, although inside I'm containing anger, fear, and sadness. When
she was around, it was like being in an illusion where
everything is okay, but it's really not. It was a nice illusion.
I woke up optimistic today. So, I'm going to do some stuff, and I'm
going to bang my head on the wall a few times to get
courage to get out of the room, then I'm going to squeese my head with
my hands to get some courage to get out of the
house. I'm going to get in my truck, pinch myself a few times for
concentration, and go search for a new job. I'm so
excited, wish me luck. And today I think is Wednesday, so I'm going to
class. Sometimes I feel like everyone can tell that
I'm not all sane. I feel shame. I feel like if I was naked. But I just
pretend everything is okay. I think I heard
somewhere that one needs to fake it to make it. So I need to do a lot
of faking.
Anyways, since I feel optimistic, I'm going to try again to call a
psychologist or counseling office. Hopefully this time I
would actually do it, I have tried many times. I think I'm sabotaging
myself 'cause when I grab the phone either is already
closed or I don't have the phone number or something.
***** or get off the pot, i think the expression is. go on disability if you
can't work anymore.
the world is big shithole, however we are all stuck here.
.
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| User: "Bitterball" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 12:37:05 PM |
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<aptu_isaac@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1176907871.748766.302480@y80g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...
Patrik aka "the dawggie" is the one I think I can relate the most.
"lisa in mass", "electro", "Rhiannon" are right that I need to see
someone, but I have done that in the past, and I am
scared because it just a waste of time that either makes me worse, or
just makes me pretend I got better so I can get the
hell out of there. The only thing that has workes is talking to God.
If you don't beleive in God, please don't tell me
because is the only thing that I have.
"Bitterball", you are right that when we go to group therapies, we
find out there's nothing in common. The only thing in
common is that we all would kill the group leader if we could get away
with it. I'm joking, I'm sorry "the dawg" would
understand, I think. And, yes, I suspect my ex-gf only wanted sex, but
I do not have sex with her since before we broke up.
I don't know what she wants, really. But I needed her around because
she makes me behave normal, I even pretend that I am
happy, although inside I'm containing anger, fear, and sadness. When
she was around, it was like being in an illusion where
everything is okay, but it's really not. It was a nice illusion.
and if the world thinks your a psycho? you could hide under a rock all day,
but i doubt you'd enjoy that.
people make fun of Rosie O'donnell, and she still goes in to work every
morning, and (in my opinion) ruins a talk show.
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 09:41:26 AM |
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Patrik aka "the dawggie" is the one I think I can relate the most.
"lisa in mass", "electro", and "Rhiannon" are right that I need to see
someone, but I have done that in the past, and I am scared because it
was just a waste of time that either make me worse, or just makes me
pretend I got better so I can get the hell out of there. The only
thing that has worked it talking to God. If you don't beleive in God,
please don't tell me because is the only thing that I have.
"Bitterball", you are right that when we go to group therapies, we
find out there's nothing in common. The only thing in common is that
we all would kill the group leader if we could get away with it. I'm
joking, I'm sorry "the dawg" would understand, I think. And, yes, I
suspect my ex-gf only wanted sex, but I do not have sex with her since
before we broke up. I don't know what she wants, really. But I needed
her around because she makes me behave normal, she even make me
pretend that I am happy, although inside I'm containing anger, fear,
and sadness. When she was around, it was like being in an illusion
where everything was okay, but it was really not. It was a nice
illusion.
I woke up optimistic today. So, I'm going to do some stuff, and bang
my head on the wall a few times to get courage to get out of the room,
then squeese my head with my hands to get some courage to get out of
the house. I'm going to get in my truck, pinch myself a few times for
concentration, and go search for a new job. I'm so excited, wish me
luck. And today I think is Wednesday, so I'm going to class. Sometimes
I feel like everyone can tell that I'm not all sane. I feel shame. I
feel like if I am naked. But I just pretend everything is okay. I
think I heard somewhere that one needs to fake it to make it. So I
need to do a lot of faking.
Anyways, since I feel optimistic, I'm going to try again to call a
psychologist or counseling office. Hopefully this time I would
actually do it, I have tried many times. I think I'm sabotaging myself
'cause when I grab the phone either is already closed or I don't have
the phone number or something.
I'm also going to puch my head a few times for motivation to go buy
something eat. I have lost so much weight, I don't want to look like
skin and bones: My stomach is eating me alive. I feel so optimistic
today that maybe is not a healthy optimistic. God gave me another
chance. God let me wake up again, so here I go. I have to do
everything today before I get crazy again. It's like my mood is in an
up and down ride: sometimes I'm optimistic, sometimes I'm very angry,
sometimes I am very sad. The worst case scenario would be to be
trapped in my own mind again, losing control.
I have to go, I have so much to do.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 12:57:51 PM |
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<aptu_isaac@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1176907286.778480.137620@n59g2000hsh.googlegroups.com...
Patrik aka "the dawggie" is the one I think I can relate the most.
"lisa in mass", "electro", and "Rhiannon" are right that I need to see
someone, but I have done that in the past, and I am scared because it
was just a waste of time that either make me worse, or just makes me
pretend I got better so I can get the hell out of there. The only
thing that has worked it talking to God. If you don't beleive in God,
please don't tell me because is the only thing that I have.
"Bitterball", you are right that when we go to group therapies, we
find out there's nothing in common. The only thing in common is that
we all would kill the group leader if we could get away with it. I'm
joking, I'm sorry "the dawg" would understand, I think. And, yes, I
suspect my ex-gf only wanted sex, but I do not have sex with her since
before we broke up. I don't know what she wants, really. But I needed
her around because she makes me behave normal, she even make me
pretend that I am happy, although inside I'm containing anger, fear,
and sadness. When she was around, it was like being in an illusion
where everything was okay, but it was really not. It was a nice
illusion.
I woke up optimistic today. So, I'm going to do some stuff, and bang
my head on the wall a few times to get courage to get out of the room,
then squeese my head with my hands to get some courage to get out of
the house. I'm going to get in my truck, pinch myself a few times for
concentration, and go search for a new job. I'm so excited, wish me
luck. And today I think is Wednesday, so I'm going to class. Sometimes
I feel like everyone can tell that I'm not all sane. I feel shame. I
feel like if I am naked. But I just pretend everything is okay. I
think I heard somewhere that one needs to fake it to make it. So I
need to do a lot of faking.
Anyways, since I feel optimistic, I'm going to try again to call a
psychologist or counseling office. Hopefully this time I would
actually do it, I have tried many times. I think I'm sabotaging myself
'cause when I grab the phone either is already closed or I don't have
the phone number or something.
I'm also going to puch my head a few times for motivation to go buy
something eat. I have lost so much weight, I don't want to look like
skin and bones: My stomach is eating me alive. I feel so optimistic
today that maybe is not a healthy optimistic. God gave me another
chance. God let me wake up again, so here I go. I have to do
everything today before I get crazy again. It's like my mood is in an
up and down ride: sometimes I'm optimistic, sometimes I'm very angry,
sometimes I am very sad. The worst case scenario would be to be
trapped in my own mind again, losing control.
I have to go, I have so much to do.
I'm rather uncomfortable with the self abuse described in this post . I
hope you will be sure to mention this behaviour to the counsellor when you
get an appointment. I'm really to pleased to read that you're feeling
optimistic and you're excited to get things done. That's a very positive
first step in a new direction. Good luck and let us know how your day goes.
:-)
--
Rhi
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| User: "Bitterball" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 05:07:00 PM |
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<aptu_isaac@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1176907286.778480.137620@n59g2000hsh.googlegroups.com...
Patrik aka "the dawggie" is the one I think I can relate the most.
"lisa in mass", "electro", and "Rhiannon" are right that I need to see
someone, but I have done that in the past, and I am scared because it
was just a waste of time that either make me worse, or just makes me
pretend I got better so I can get the hell out of there. The only
thing that has worked it talking to God. If you don't beleive in God,
please don't tell me because is the only thing that I have.
"Bitterball", you are right that when we go to group therapies, we
find out there's nothing in common. The only thing in common is that
we all would kill the group leader if we could get away with it. I'm
joking, I'm sorry "the dawg" would understand, I think. And, yes, I
suspect my ex-gf only wanted sex, but I do not have sex with her since
before we broke up. I don't know what she wants, really. But I needed
her around because she makes me behave normal, she even make me
pretend that I am happy, although inside I'm containing anger, fear,
and sadness. When she was around, it was like being in an illusion
where everything was okay, but it was really not. It was a nice
illusion.
I woke up optimistic today. So, I'm going to do some stuff, and bang
my head on the wall a few times to get courage to get out of the room,
then squeese my head with my hands to get some courage to get out of
the house. I'm going to get in my truck, pinch myself a few times for
concentration, and go search for a new job. I'm so excited, wish me
luck. And today I think is Wednesday, so I'm going to class. Sometimes
I feel like everyone can tell that I'm not all sane. I feel shame. I
feel like if I am naked. But I just pretend everything is okay.
it's a double bluff. everyone acts like you aren't insane (except the
assholes), and you act like everything is peachy..
the coworkers who do get snotty, well let's just say i have a vindictive
streak.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
19 Apr 2007 11:10:45 PM |
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"Bitterball", you honor your nickname, but you are posting in the
wrong group, I think. You see, this is a support group, not a cowardl-
demean-the-weak group. I am intrigued nonetheless; I think I was
similar to you at some point in my life. I miss that power, I think.
If you wanted attention, you've got mine.
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| User: "Bitterball" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 06:20:54 AM |
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The other day I found someone in an online game community that was
going to check in into a mental hospital, and I felt like I had found
my kin. I thought I had finally found somewhere were I belonged, but I
guess not. She was go far gone in her mind that she could not relate.
And I know because I have been there, and when that happens one just
can't see outside our own mind. It blinds. It hurts. It numbs focus
and concentration. "Where do I belong?", I asked myself. Maybe I do
not belong anywhere; I'm just here among everything and everyone, but
separate.
it doesn't work that way. it's like having pegleg, and you meet a woman
with a pegleg, and you think you have so much in common.
going to group therapy, i found i had almost nothing in common with those
people. and i never went back.
if you are fucked up in the head, and i suspect you may be, you need to put
(romantic) relationships on the backburner. focus on improving your poker
game.
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
17 Apr 2007 11:23:24 PM |
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I think that Lisa has a point in that you are depressed. You may have a
similar diagnosis that I do, Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, for example, is a
diagnosis similar to mine but not easily recognizable and has symptoms of
awe and spirituality, remember that no one is after you. My situation is
beginning to calm down after several years of having trouble. You may wish
to work with a neuropsychiatrist who is familiar with medication that is
normally prescribed. I hope that this is helpful.
<aptu_isaac@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1176865164.839586.34250@o5g2000hsb.googlegroups.com...
I don't know what I have, but I wanted to tell someone:
I don't go out of my room or my house unless it's extremely necessary.
I don't eat or buy groceries unless I think that I really need to eat.
I'm trying to get my sleep patter normal again, but it's not working;
I fall asleep on the floor trying to do homework, or I just lie on the
floor thinking that I will feel uncomfortable enough so I won't fall
asleep. I don't like going to sleep, and I don't know why, but I'm
trying to change that. Sometimes I can go to sleep realy (for me early
it's like 2am), but I feel very sleepy during the day, and I end up
oversleeping in constrast to not sleeping at all like before.
I had an ex-gf who would visit me sometimes, but I said something that
was hurtful when I most needed her around, and I don't think she's
coming back. I think that my feelings are like in an up and down ride.
Sometimes I feel very optimistic, sometimes I feel very sad, and
sometimes I am very angry. I hate to confess this, but I'm just going
to say it: I cry silently every day, and I feel like a hollow in my
chest. It hurts, but not like an injury hurts. It's like an emptiness
that hurts in my chest, but I know there's nothing wrong there.
I also have phrases that play over and over in my head. Sometimes I
can stop them, and other times I just let them be.
I try to be optimistic whenever I remember, but maybe I can't because
I don't have enough motive to move on. I was thinking on getting a
puppy because I had a dog, and it really helped, and I know I'm a good
dog owner, but I think I don't have enough money to take care of a
dog. I forgot to mention that I don't have a job anymore. I have
thought about death, but I know I'm not going to end it like that
because I promised I won't do it, years ago, and I keep my promises.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I will completely lose control over my own
mind. I'm afraid that won't be able to distinguish fake from reality.
And there was one day or two that I felt like I was trapped. I wanted
to get out of my own mind, but I could not. I gave in, and God made me
sleep, so I would not feel pain anymore. I don't like sleeping, but I
think God makes me sleepy so I won't feel pain sometimes. I'm also
scared to talk about this because it scares normal people. Sometimes I
can't even drive because I can't focus like I could before. Sometimes
I feel better just staring at nothing, just letting my mind numb for a
while.
I don't know what I have, but I know it's not okay. I'm afraid the
past is repeting itself. I can almost feel it happenning all over
again, the same things, the same waste of time. I know I have to do
things differently, but how. It's very hard to know what is right or
wrong in this state of mind. It's hard to think and figure it out. I
don't know what I have. Sometimes I think that I already lost my mind
and I haven't realized it or I can't realize it because crazy people
don't know they are crazy. I'm starting to hear things. Like I'm
walking around the house, and I hear the TV on, but when I go check
it's not on. Or like when I wake up I think someone ringged the door
bell, I get up and check, but no one's there. Very often I think that
my phone is ringing or that it's going to ring, but it's not. I am
starting to doubt the things I do or I don't do. I check the day of
the week several times during the day because I freak out that it may
be a day when I'm supposed to be at school. I sometimes look at the
clock and I don't know if it's 3am or 3pm. It's starting to feel
lonely inside my head.
The other day I found someone in an online game community that was
going to check in into a mental hospital, and I felt like I had found
my kin. I thought I had finally found somewhere were I belonged, but I
guess not. She was go far gone in her mind that she could not relate.
And I know because I have been there, and when that happens one just
can't see outside our own mind. It blinds. It hurts. It numbs focus
and concentration. "Where do I belong?", I asked myself. Maybe I do
not belong anywhere; I'm just here among everything and everyone, but
separate.
I am getting so sleepy right now. God is making me sleep because
telling all this hurts. I feel so sleepy, I think I'm going to lean on
the wall just a few minutes. I don't lie down because I know I won't
wake up until tomorrow. God don't make me sleep; please don't make me
sleep. I don't want to sleep. But sleep is your soothing bless.
.
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| User: "Bitterball" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 12:41:28 PM |
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"David" <davidd614@cox.net> wrote in message
news:d3hVh.153571$ZA5.115319@newsfe15.phx...
I think that Lisa has a point in that you are depressed. You may have a
similar diagnosis that I do, Temporal Lobe Epilepsy
unlikely. it's rare.
.
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| User: "the_dawggie" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 12:05:04 AM |
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On Apr 18, 12:59 pm, wrote:
I don't know what I have, but I wanted to tell someone:
I don't go out of my room or my house unless it's extremely necessary.
I don't eat or buy groceries unless I think that I really need to eat.
Stop being me ! :-)
I'm trying to get my sleep patter normal again, but it's not working;
I fall asleep on the floor trying to do homework, or I just lie on the
floor thinking that I will feel uncomfortable enough so I won't fall
asleep. I don't like going to sleep, and I don't know why, but I'm
I do similar, however difference is wanting sleep, I'll get it,
however wake up early due to any noise (like 05:30 garbage
can collection) or anything else. Weird state of half awake
and half asleep follows - can be pleasant or unpleasant.
trying to change that. Sometimes I can go to sleep realy (for me early
it's like 2am), but I feel very sleepy during the day, and I end up
Yep understand that bit - varies for me.
oversleeping in constrast to not sleeping at all like before.
oversleeping can actually cause you to want to sleep more
(well me anyway).
chest. It hurts, but not like an injury hurts. It's like an emptiness
that hurts in my chest, but I know there's nothing wrong there.
I know it too.
I also have phrases that play over and over in my head. Sometimes I
can stop them, and other times I just let them be.
Yep, I get that too. More random series of thoughts for
me.
I try to be optimistic whenever I remember, but maybe I can't because
I don't have enough motive to move on. I was thinking on getting a
Commitment disorder too.
puppy because I had a dog, and it really helped, and I know I'm a good
dog owner, but I think I don't have enough money to take care of a
dog. I forgot to mention that I don't have a job anymore. I have
You should be able to take care of a dog, however I'm unsure it's
right to take care of them in a chitty compound, or back yard.
thought about death, but I know I'm not going to end it like that
because I promised I won't do it, years ago, and I keep my promises.
It's always "day+1" I know that.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I will completely lose control over my own
mind. I'm afraid that won't be able to distinguish fake from reality.
Stop being me already, freaking me out.
And there was one day or two that I felt like I was trapped. I wanted
to get out of my own mind, but I could not. I gave in, and God made me
sleep, so I would not feel pain anymo0re. I don't like sleeping, but I
think God makes me sleepy so I won't feel pain sometimes. I'm also
No don't feel bad about sleep - it's a place to escape to.
scared to talk about this because it scares normal people. Sometimes I
can't even drive because I can't focus like I could before. Sometimes
I feel better just staring at nothing, just letting my mind numb for a
while.
I'll ask a Q here, do you feel something bad is going to
happen to front tyres while driving around a corner with
a fully loaded vehicle?
walking around the house, and I hear the TV on, but when I go check
it's not on. Or like when I wake up I think someone ringged the door
bell, I get up and check, but no one's there. Very often I think that
my phone is ringing or that it's going to ring, but it's not. I am
starting to doubt the things I do or I don't do. I check the day of
the week several times during the day because I freak out that it may
be a day when I'm supposed to be at school. I sometimes look at the
clock and I don't know if it's 3am or 3pm. It's starting to feel
lonely inside my head.
Stop being me already.
and concentration. "Where do I belong?", I asked myself. Maybe I do
not belong anywhere; I'm just here among everything and everyone, but
separate.
But sleep is your soothing bless.
Correct.
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 02:09:48 AM |
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I just woke up, a few minutes ago, and I read this reply, and I liked
it. I like to know there are others like me although the situation in
which we are is not good at all.
I do, like you, try to be funny sometimes; just like you do. But maybe
it's a humor that only people like us would understand. I think I try
to be funny sometimes, so I can get more chance to be accepted, or so
I won't scare people away, or just to cope, who knows.
I also have random thoughts in addition to the repetitive phrases.
It's more like stories and ideas passing by mind. I like to sometimes
catch one of those ideas and enjoy the ride; sometimes I have thought
of being a writer 'cause I have so much I could write, but it's so
many different things that I don't think I would be able to put all
together in a coherent book or story. Sometimes those ideas and
stories just flash really fast in my mind, like cars on the highway.
I'm not scared of those; I'm scared of the repetitive thoughts. I
don't know what they mean, or why they say that. And I'm not going to
tell what they say, you can imagine why.
I already ruined my sleep pattern because I just took a 3 hrs nap. I
feel much better though; I can almost feel normal (crazy humor).
Who told you that you had a commitment disorder. I don't think it's a
disorder (in denial). Again trying to use humor. Anyways, I think we
just don't have anything to motivate us to move on. I really should
have listened to myself a few months back ago; I should've got a dog
when I could; dogs really help me move on, which is weird because I
used to have a phobia of dogs until I was 17. But my uncle suggested
to get me a dog to get rid of the phobia: it was a hate-love start. I
ended up loving dogs.
To your question, when I'm driving I feel like I'm going to black out,
or that my mind is sending me too much thoughts on purpose. Driving is
hard now. I have to put all my mental and phisical effort to drive.
But don't worry people I don't drive fast, and I'm always driving
really slow and careful of people passing by. I promise I will pull
over, or stop and call the police or someone if I think I can't make
it.
I don't want to talk about this for now 'cause I don't want to sleep
anymore. Maybe I am crazy already, and whenever I feel sleepy what is
really happening is that someone is giving me sedatives. No, that's
too crazy. Maybe when I think I hear the TV on what is really
happening is that whoever is giving me the sedatives is watching it,
but I can't see her... or him. That would make a lot of sense. No, I
don't think I'm that crazy. One day I thought I heard someone trying
to say something near my right ear. I don't know what to think
anymore. I don't think I'm crazy because this looks so real that I
don't think all that crap I just said could be true. No, I'm just
still sleepy. I could go on forever like this, you know that. But I
better try to stop.
STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE, STOP, STOP, THINK OF
SOMETHING ELSE. GET ON YOUR FEET, GRAB YOUR BOOK AND READ. GET ON YOUR
FEET, GRAB A BOOK AND READ, 1. GET ON YOUR FEET, GRAB A BOOK AND READ,
2, GET ON YOUR FEET, GRAB A BOOK AND READ, NOW. Damn, that's a
character I made up. It tells me what to do, more like yells me what
to do. So bye 'cause I have to read. GET ON YOUR FEET, STOP, STOP WHAT
YOUR DOING, GET ON YOUR FEET, GET ON YOUR FEET 1, GET ON YOUR FEET 2,
GET ON YOUR FEET N-O-W.
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| User: "jordy" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 12:47:12 PM |
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On Apr 18, 3:09 am, wrote:
I also have random thoughts in addition to the repetitive phrases.
It's more like stories and ideas passing by mind. I like to sometimes
catch one of those ideas and enjoy the ride; sometimes I have thought
of being a writer 'cause I have so much I could write, but it's so
many different things that I don't think I would be able to put all
together in a coherent book or story. Sometimes those ideas and
stories just flash really fast in my mind, like cars on the highway.
I'm not scared of those; I'm scared of the repetitive thoughts. I
don't know what they mean, or why they say that. And I'm not going to
tell what they say, you can imagine why.
In a way, I can relate... I always have thoughts, ideas, images,
memories going through my mind... especially memories... and many of
them are seemingly irrelevent... I think I have OCD... Is there a
possibility that you may have OCD also? sometimes I wonder if we look
for symbolism in these images, memories etc... somehow, I have the
feeling that the more nervous and anxious I am, the more my thoughts
get stuck in images and memories and abstractions... my theory, which
seems to be sometimes true and sometimes not, is that the more calm
and relaxed I am the more I can be in the present... unfortunatly,
while sometimes this works out well, at other times when I am calm, I
am also just as spacy as when I'm nervous and anxious... sometimes so
much thought goes into JUST being calm and relaxed, or so much thought
goes into JUST focusing on one topic, that not much energy is left
over to function well... that is my theory, anyway...
-"Jordy"
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| User: "the_dawggie" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what I have |
18 Apr 2007 02:14:58 AM |
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On Apr 18, 5:09 pm, wrote:
STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE, STOP, STOP, THINK OF
SOMETHING ELSE. GET ON YOUR FEET, GRAB YOUR BOOK AND READ. GET ON YOUR
FEET, GRAB A BOOK AND READ, 1. GET ON YOUR FEET, GRAB A BOOK AND READ,
2, GET ON YOUR FEET, GRAB A BOOK AND READ, NOW. Damn, that's a
character I made up. It tells me what to do, more like yells me what
to do. So bye 'cause I have to read. GET ON YOUR FEET, STOP, STOP WHAT
YOUR DOING, GET ON YOUR FEET, GET ON YOUR FEET 1, GET ON YOUR FEET 2,
GET ON YOUR FEET N-O-W.
We are all decaying bits of meat. The meds are?
.
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