| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Nina" |
| Date: |
24 Sep 2004 08:35:40 PM |
| Object: |
I don't know what to do |
I'm so depressed, and it's been like this for a while now, and it's so
different in shape and texture from anything that I've experienced
before that I feel like everything I've learned has been for nothing.
It's as if there should be some word greater than depression,
something to call this malaise that's taken me over so completely.
I'm all right, a bit anyway, as long as I keep doing things. But as
soon as I stop, I fall apart, and it's literally like that, like a
sandcastle being hit by waves, first a little gradual erosion, and
then everything falls in on itself. And I just sit and cry and cry,
floods and floods of tears, endlessly. Then I stop and work some
more. It goes on and on, this enveloping sadness that nothing seems
to touch, at least not for long.
It's a funny thing, because every time before when I've been severely
depressed, I've also been acutely suicidal, at least in an ideation
sense. And I'm not now, not at all. But I can't bear the painfulness
of this; it's just hurts so much and without end. I'm afraid to go to
sleep, because it only makes it worse. I wake up lost and anxious,
and everything feels wrong. I can make it almost right for a while,
if I distract myself enough, but as soon as I stop... there I am
again, crumbling.
There's nothing in this that I can hold on to. No cause, nothing
that's different in my life, just a continuation of it all... and I
find the inertia hard to bear, but there are real signs of change,
real possibilities that I see, not so far away. Things will get
better; I know that. There's no cause for this... no trigger, not
that I can find, anyway.
I don't know why I even write this. There aren't any answers. I talk
to Michael, who has been fantastic with this all, wonderfully
supportive, but there's nothing to say, and I feel so horrible, and
guilty, too, that I can't seem to stop it. There's some key to this
all, but I can't find it; I'm groping in the dark for the key to a
door that I can't find either, and I'm simply exhausted. And I don't
know what to do. It's been a long time since I've felt so utterly at
a loss.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "pannah" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
24 Sep 2004 09:54:14 PM |
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"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote in message
news:oqh9l0dlakv12soeirr7tg7ejmen6hb8u5@4ax.com...
I'm so depressed, and it's been like this for a while now, and it's so
different in shape and texture from anything that I've experienced
before that I feel like everything I've learned has been for nothing.
It's as if there should be some word greater than depression,
something to call this malaise that's taken me over so completely.
I'm all right, a bit anyway, as long as I keep doing things. But as
soon as I stop, I fall apart, and it's literally like that, like a
sandcastle being hit by waves, first a little gradual erosion, and
then everything falls in on itself. And I just sit and cry and cry,
floods and floods of tears, endlessly. Then I stop and work some
more. It goes on and on, this enveloping sadness that nothing seems
to touch, at least not for long.
It's a funny thing, because every time before when I've been severely
depressed, I've also been acutely suicidal, at least in an ideation
sense. And I'm not now, not at all. But I can't bear the painfulness
of this; it's just hurts so much and without end. I'm afraid to go to
sleep, because it only makes it worse. I wake up lost and anxious,
and everything feels wrong. I can make it almost right for a while,
if I distract myself enough, but as soon as I stop... there I am
again, crumbling.
There's nothing in this that I can hold on to. No cause, nothing
that's different in my life, just a continuation of it all... and I
find the inertia hard to bear, but there are real signs of change,
real possibilities that I see, not so far away. Things will get
better; I know that. There's no cause for this... no trigger, not
that I can find, anyway.
I don't know why I even write this. There aren't any answers. I talk
to Michael, who has been fantastic with this all, wonderfully
supportive, but there's nothing to say, and I feel so horrible, and
guilty, too, that I can't seem to stop it. There's some key to this
all, but I can't find it; I'm groping in the dark for the key to a
door that I can't find either, and I'm simply exhausted. And I don't
know what to do. It's been a long time since I've felt so utterly at
a loss.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an
invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
Nina, I'm sorry you're feeling badly. I Hope it passes fast.
(((((Nina )))))))
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
25 Sep 2004 01:02:25 AM |
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:-(
I hope you find a way through this.
p.s. If you haven't had a physical in awhile, make sure to get some
tests done... thyroid, etc. are you old enough for menopause yet?
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
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| User: "Filpriros" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
24 Sep 2004 10:41:42 PM |
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Dear Nina,
Something is going on even if you cannot put your finger on it. I suspect,
without knowing hardly anything, that perhaps your living situation is not
helping you.
Have you thought of making a really drastic change such as you and your son
going to live with Michael or Michael coming here to the states to live with
the two of you? Are you being, perhaps, too cautious in making the big changes
and exhausting yourself by having to always cope with matters and people that
should be in a different posture than they currently are?
I hate to think of you in so much pain. Truly. If there is anything I can do,
or if you wish to email let me know.
Rosena
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| User: "Velvet Elvis" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
25 Sep 2004 04:48:16 PM |
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FWIW, I changed meds about a week ago. I'm already noticing that I didn't
even realize how depressed I was before. If you've not fiddled with meds
in a while, changing them is always worth a shot.
--
MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from
the true accounts which it invents later.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.
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| User: "JohnM" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
24 Sep 2004 11:07:51 PM |
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Hi Nina.....Im sorry you dont feel well. Do you have meds for depression
and do you have a caring therapist? These things helped me. I hope this
phase passes soon for you and you start to feel much better.
"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote in message
news:oqh9l0dlakv12soeirr7tg7ejmen6hb8u5@4ax.com...
I'm so depressed, and it's been like this for a while now, and it's so
different in shape and texture from anything that I've experienced
before that I feel like everything I've learned has been for nothing.
It's as if there should be some word greater than depression,
something to call this malaise that's taken me over so completely.
I'm all right, a bit anyway, as long as I keep doing things. But as
soon as I stop, I fall apart, and it's literally like that, like a
sandcastle being hit by waves, first a little gradual erosion, and
then everything falls in on itself. And I just sit and cry and cry,
floods and floods of tears, endlessly. Then I stop and work some
more. It goes on and on, this enveloping sadness that nothing seems
to touch, at least not for long.
It's a funny thing, because every time before when I've been severely
depressed, I've also been acutely suicidal, at least in an ideation
sense. And I'm not now, not at all. But I can't bear the painfulness
of this; it's just hurts so much and without end. I'm afraid to go to
sleep, because it only makes it worse. I wake up lost and anxious,
and everything feels wrong. I can make it almost right for a while,
if I distract myself enough, but as soon as I stop... there I am
again, crumbling.
There's nothing in this that I can hold on to. No cause, nothing
that's different in my life, just a continuation of it all... and I
find the inertia hard to bear, but there are real signs of change,
real possibilities that I see, not so far away. Things will get
better; I know that. There's no cause for this... no trigger, not
that I can find, anyway.
I don't know why I even write this. There aren't any answers. I talk
to Michael, who has been fantastic with this all, wonderfully
supportive, but there's nothing to say, and I feel so horrible, and
guilty, too, that I can't seem to stop it. There's some key to this
all, but I can't find it; I'm groping in the dark for the key to a
door that I can't find either, and I'm simply exhausted. And I don't
know what to do. It's been a long time since I've felt so utterly at
a loss.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an
invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Thanks, everyone (Was: I don't know what to do) |
28 Sep 2004 04:19:04 PM |
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I can't seem to get it together to write replies that make sense, but
I wanted to thank everyone for listening and saying something... I
don't know what's wrong, and I'm trying so hard to make it right, and
sometimes it's all just a long circle, the snake biting its own tail,
and every time I get the sense of it, it slips away from me again.
It's fall here today, the first day that it's had that real autumn
tang in the air, although it's mostly bitter chill and falling brown
leaves, rather than the golden glow that we usually have in upstate
NY. I remember when I loved this time of year, when it was about
renewal, but this year, like the last few, it seems more about ending
than beginning.
I think these days that the key is somehow in acceptance, accepting
that most of the things that I most care about are beyond my control.
The handful of times in my life when I was really happy were when I
had no control... but in a good sense. When I had freedom from the
fears that keep me hanging on to the past, to the shards of anything
that seems like security... when I could make that mental leap to the
other side, to that place where I'm just me, without all the other
things. I can't do that most of the time, and like everything else, I
turn that over in my hands and look at it and wonder what the truth
is. Would it be better to be like that all the time, or is there a
fine line between freedom and not caring that would be all too easy to
cross?
Probably that doesn't really make sense. And, as always, I want a
rule book. I want someone to tell me what the point of it all is, and
how to do it all, so that I'll know that I'm right. As if that would
be worth something.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "JohnM" |
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| Title: Re: Thanks, everyone (Was: I don't know what to do) |
28 Sep 2004 08:39:31 PM |
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Btw my Dad grew up in Oswego, NY, and I live on Long Island. He loved the
woods and hunting as a young man. I just had a weeks vacation in
Vermont...which was so Beautiful...I'd love to live in that kind of area.
"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote in message
news:0mkjl099rhtgv57715cv4il9l7p9murn05@4ax.com...
I can't seem to get it together to write replies that make sense, but
I wanted to thank everyone for listening and saying something... I
don't know what's wrong, and I'm trying so hard to make it right, and
sometimes it's all just a long circle, the snake biting its own tail,
and every time I get the sense of it, it slips away from me again.
It's fall here today, the first day that it's had that real autumn
tang in the air, although it's mostly bitter chill and falling brown
leaves, rather than the golden glow that we usually have in upstate
NY. I remember when I loved this time of year, when it was about
renewal, but this year, like the last few, it seems more about ending
than beginning.
I think these days that the key is somehow in acceptance, accepting
that most of the things that I most care about are beyond my control.
The handful of times in my life when I was really happy were when I
had no control... but in a good sense. When I had freedom from the
fears that keep me hanging on to the past, to the shards of anything
that seems like security... when I could make that mental leap to the
other side, to that place where I'm just me, without all the other
things. I can't do that most of the time, and like everything else, I
turn that over in my hands and look at it and wonder what the truth
is. Would it be better to be like that all the time, or is there a
fine line between freedom and not caring that would be all too easy to
cross?
Probably that doesn't really make sense. And, as always, I want a
rule book. I want someone to tell me what the point of it all is, and
how to do it all, so that I'll know that I'm right. As if that would
be worth something.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an
invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "JohnM" |
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| Title: Re: Thanks, everyone (Was: I don't know what to do) |
28 Sep 2004 08:37:46 PM |
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Either way its a change...which is one thing that is constant, oddly enough.
;-)
"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote in message
news:0mkjl099rhtgv57715cv4il9l7p9murn05@4ax.com...
I can't seem to get it together to write replies that make sense, but
I wanted to thank everyone for listening and saying something... I
don't know what's wrong, and I'm trying so hard to make it right, and
sometimes it's all just a long circle, the snake biting its own tail,
and every time I get the sense of it, it slips away from me again.
It's fall here today, the first day that it's had that real autumn
tang in the air, although it's mostly bitter chill and falling brown
leaves, rather than the golden glow that we usually have in upstate
NY. I remember when I loved this time of year, when it was about
renewal, but this year, like the last few, it seems more about ending
than beginning.
I think these days that the key is somehow in acceptance, accepting
that most of the things that I most care about are beyond my control.
The handful of times in my life when I was really happy were when I
had no control... but in a good sense. When I had freedom from the
fears that keep me hanging on to the past, to the shards of anything
that seems like security... when I could make that mental leap to the
other side, to that place where I'm just me, without all the other
things. I can't do that most of the time, and like everything else, I
turn that over in my hands and look at it and wonder what the truth
is. Would it be better to be like that all the time, or is there a
fine line between freedom and not caring that would be all too easy to
cross?
Probably that doesn't really make sense. And, as always, I want a
rule book. I want someone to tell me what the point of it all is, and
how to do it all, so that I'll know that I'm right. As if that would
be worth something.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an
invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "lyssa" |
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| Title: Re: Thanks, everyone (Was: I don't know what to do) |
29 Sep 2004 10:42:10 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
Nina wrote:
<snip>
I think these days that the key is somehow in acceptance, accepting
that most of the things that I most care about are beyond my control.
The handful of times in my life when I was really happy were when I
had no control... but in a good sense. When I had freedom from the
fears that keep me hanging on to the past, to the shards of anything
that seems like security... when I could make that mental leap to the
other side, to that place where I'm just me, without all the other
things. I can't do that most of the time, and like everything else, I
turn that over in my hands and look at it and wonder what the truth
is. Would it be better to be like that all the time, or is there a
fine line between freedom and not caring that would be all too easy to
cross?
Probably that doesn't really make sense.
it does
i sure wish i had answers :/
And, as always, I want a
rule book. I want someone to tell me what the point of it all is, and
how to do it all, so that I'll know that I'm right. As if that would
be worth something.
<nod>
{{{{{nina}}}}}
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| User: "Velvet Elvis" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
25 Sep 2004 04:54:53 PM |
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I just read this in another forum. I think I'm going to print it out and
put it on the fridge.
"What's the point of all this *****," she says
From the cover of her daze
Looking out from foggy haze
Of down and tumbling days and days
"Can't I take my life away?
No one will care anyway.
That is how it seems today.
Like all the other yesterdays."
People milling all around me.
Actions helping to confound me
And they say it's all for me
But its not how it seems to be
Nothings helping -- then why try?
Logically, I wish to die.
My doctors have my alibi
inside my charts and files.
They tell me it will go away.
They tell me wait another day.
They tell me wait, you'll see, you'll say
That you'll be fixed -- it's worth the wait
But everything inside me saying
There is neither time nor point
All the options that I'm weighing
Leave me whack and out of joint.
The point of life, my foggy friend
Evades us all till day's last end
And here's the best advice I'll give:
If you shall die, then * * * why not live? * * *
If not for you, then humbly do it
For those who wish to see you through it.
When we cannot make it through,
We must rely on those who do.
If god did not want us to live,
This life he surely would not give.
And if he wished you to the grave,
Your life, he would not try to save.
So here we sit, and facts remain:
In spite of faulty damaged brain,
In spite of feeling down and drained,
We only wish to be the same
As those who claim that they are sane.
So struggle on, for as they say:
Where is a will, there is a way.
And someday soon you'll see the day,
When colors wash away your gray.
And it is on that very day,
I promise you, my lady,
That you shall see that giving up
Is all that's really crazy.
--Alex K
--
MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from
the true accounts which it invents later.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.
.
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
24 Sep 2004 11:26:39 PM |
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Nina wrote...
I'm so depressed, and it's been like this for a while now,
and it's so different in shape and texture from anything
that I've experienced before that I feel like everything
I've learned has been for nothing. It's as if there should
be some word greater than depression, something to call
this malaise that's taken me over so completely.
I'm all right, a bit anyway, as long as I keep doing
things. But as soon as I stop, I fall apart, and it's
literally like that, like a sandcastle being hit by waves,
first a little gradual erosion, and then everything falls
in on itself. And I just sit and cry and cry, floods and
floods of tears, endlessly. Then I stop and work some
more. It goes on and on, this enveloping sadness that
nothing seems to touch, at least not for long.
It's a funny thing, because every time before when I've
been severely depressed, I've also been acutely suicidal,
at least in an ideation sense. And I'm not now, not at
all. But I can't bear the painfulness of this; it's just
hurts so much and without end. I'm afraid to go to sleep,
because it only makes it worse. I wake up lost and
anxious, and everything feels wrong. I can make it almost
right for a while, if I distract myself enough, but as soon
as I stop... there I am again, crumbling.
There's nothing in this that I can hold on to. No cause,
nothing that's different in my life, just a continuation of
it all... and I find the inertia hard to bear, but there
are real signs of change, real possibilities that I see,
not so far away. Things will get better; I know that.
There's no cause for this... no trigger, not that I can
find, anyway.
I don't know why I even write this. There aren't any
answers. I talk to Michael, who has been fantastic with
this all, wonderfully supportive, but there's nothing to
say, and I feel so horrible, and guilty, too, that I can't
seem to stop it. There's some key to this all, but I can't
find it; I'm groping in the dark for the key to a door that
I can't find either, and I'm simply exhausted. And I don't
know what to do. It's been a long time since I've felt so
utterly at a loss.
i'm sorry to hear that things are so bad right now. i wish i
could offer more help, but i can just send my best wishes that
this passes for you quickly.
-lisa
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
25 Sep 2004 11:47:31 AM |
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On Fri, 24 Sep 2004 21:35:40 -0400, Nina
<ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote:
<(((*> I'm so depressed, and it's been like this for a while now, and it's so
<(((*> different in shape and texture from anything that I've experienced
<(((*> before
The only thing that comes to my mind is, have your doctor give
you a physical to see if there's anything organic wrong with you.
I was exhausted and demoralized all last winter, and it turned
out to have more to do with the ulcer & anemia than with the
clinical depression.
(((Nina)))
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
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| User: "=^.^=" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
24 Sep 2004 10:58:11 PM |
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On Fri, 24 Sep 2004 21:35:40 -0400, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
I don't know why I even write this. There aren't any answers. I talk
to Michael, who has been fantastic with this all, wonderfully
supportive, but there's nothing to say, and I feel so horrible, and
guilty, too, that I can't seem to stop it. There's some key to this
all, but I can't find it; I'm groping in the dark for the key to a
door that I can't find either, and I'm simply exhausted. And I don't
know what to do. It's been a long time since I've felt so utterly at
a loss.
I only felt that when I tried Zoloft. worse than what I thought
was the worst, beginning April 29, 1981. that was worse than
being dumped and then shot-at for weeks, constantly, too...
but both times I hadda drag my ***** outta it, using hope
....didn't work too-well in the long-run, but I'm still alive
something has changed in your head. look for an external
cause, especially for nasty things surfacing from the past
any radical change in diet?
find someone that knows about brain chemistry. not
always a shrink...and carefully experiment with the meds
any new people in your enviornment? any of them having
problems with onset of depression? that made me go
totally wild and I had no idea what was causing it...just an
exposure to someone, who then got fixed, using trazadone
and she'd fallen into the pit, for no known reason...
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| User: "dennis" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
25 Sep 2004 06:04:31 PM |
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On Fri, 24 Sep 2004 21:35:40 -0400, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
I'm so depressed, and it's been like this for a while now, and it's so
different in shape and texture from anything that I've experienced
before that I feel like everything I've learned has been for nothing.
It's as if there should be some word greater than depression,
something to call this malaise that's taken me over so completely.
me too. but thats all i can read. sorry.
(((((((((((((((((nina))))))))))))))))))))))
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| User: "Waxwing" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
25 Sep 2004 12:23:56 PM |
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You're stuck, that's where you have to go to get unstuck.
It's an unhappy place, but it's where you learn. That
probably doesn't make sense to you; sometimes it doesn't
even make sense to me. Just keep walking the dog at dusk...
Brian
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| User: "yuluwirri" |
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| Title: Re: I don't know what to do |
25 Sep 2004 04:09:24 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
Nina, I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. :(
I'm here listening and my email is always open to you. I hope things
right themselves very soon. It's an awful place to be in.
(((((((((((((((((Nina)))))))))))))))))
On Fri, 24 Sep 2004 21:35:40 -0400, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
I'm so depressed, and it's been like this for a while now, and it's so
different in shape and texture from anything that I've experienced
before that I feel like everything I've learned has been for nothing.
It's as if there should be some word greater than depression,
something to call this malaise that's taken me over so completely.
I'm all right, a bit anyway, as long as I keep doing things. But as
soon as I stop, I fall apart, and it's literally like that, like a
sandcastle being hit by waves, first a little gradual erosion, and
then everything falls in on itself. And I just sit and cry and cry,
floods and floods of tears, endlessly. Then I stop and work some
more. It goes on and on, this enveloping sadness that nothing seems
to touch, at least not for long.
It's a funny thing, because every time before when I've been severely
depressed, I've also been acutely suicidal, at least in an ideation
sense. And I'm not now, not at all. But I can't bear the painfulness
of this; it's just hurts so much and without end. I'm afraid to go to
sleep, because it only makes it worse. I wake up lost and anxious,
and everything feels wrong. I can make it almost right for a while,
if I distract myself enough, but as soon as I stop... there I am
again, crumbling.
There's nothing in this that I can hold on to. No cause, nothing
that's different in my life, just a continuation of it all... and I
find the inertia hard to bear, but there are real signs of change,
real possibilities that I see, not so far away. Things will get
better; I know that. There's no cause for this... no trigger, not
that I can find, anyway.
I don't know why I even write this. There aren't any answers. I talk
to Michael, who has been fantastic with this all, wonderfully
supportive, but there's nothing to say, and I feel so horrible, and
guilty, too, that I can't seem to stop it. There's some key to this
all, but I can't find it; I'm groping in the dark for the key to a
door that I can't find either, and I'm simply exhausted. And I don't
know what to do. It's been a long time since I've felt so utterly at
a loss.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
--
yuluwirri
~~~~~~~
Fish know.
~~~~~~~
yuluwirri@hotmail.com
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