| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"N0body" |
| Date: |
24 Jul 2005 12:01:17 PM |
| Object: |
I Don't Really Have a Social Phobia |
But I have consistently seemed to create it in othes all my life.
I mean that I can function in social situations. I can go to parties, I can
go to work, I've been with the same employer for nearly fifteen years. I
can even join a club. But once I do, almost everyone else avoids me like
the plague. So, I'm not scared of trying again, but I'm just about given
up. I keep getting post cards about American Legion meetings and wonder if I
ought to go to one. But listen to what happened the last time I tried to
join something.
A year ago I tried again. There was a religious literature study group at
the place where we joined to worship. It had been successfully meeting each
week for about three months. I went one night, introduced myself,
participated a bit in the discussion. There were no heated words or intense
debate. The next week I showed up for the meeting ... and no one else did.
Insofar as I know, they've never met again.
Again, I bathe daily, brush my teeth, and dress appropriately. So it's not
because I stink or wear a bathing suit to a dance. I've asked at least
three therapists over a number of years to tell me what I am doing wrong ...
and they can't tell me a thing.
Once when I was far, far younger and hadn't been invited to join a group a
previously good friend of mine had, I went to him and asked, "If you're
willing, ask what I did wrong. Why wasn't I invited?"
To my surprise he actually did just that. His answer was, "Nothing
particular. They just felt you didn't fit in."
I'm not a natural depressive. But I certainly find this aspect of my life
extremely depressing.
N0body
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| User: "Franz Bestuchev" |
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| Title: Re: I Don't Really Have a Social Phobia |
24 Jul 2005 01:53:04 PM |
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"N0body" <N0body@netscape.net> wrote in message
news:xPPEe.17608$gL1.9586@tornado.texas.rr.com...
But I have consistently seemed to create it in othes all my life.
I mean that I can function in social situations. I can go to parties, I
can go to work, I've been with the same employer for nearly fifteen years.
I can even join a club. But once I do, almost everyone else avoids me
like the plague. So, I'm not scared of trying again, but I'm just about
given up. I keep getting post cards about American Legion meetings and
wonder if I ought to go to one. But listen to what happened the last time
I tried to join something.
A year ago I tried again. There was a religious literature study group at
the place where we joined to worship. It had been successfully meeting
each week for about three months. I went one night, introduced myself,
participated a bit in the discussion. There were no heated words or
intense debate. The next week I showed up for the meeting ... and no one
else did. Insofar as I know, they've never met again.
Again, I bathe daily, brush my teeth, and dress appropriately. So it's
not because I stink or wear a bathing suit to a dance. I've asked at
least three therapists over a number of years to tell me what I am doing
wrong ... and they can't tell me a thing.
Once when I was far, far younger and hadn't been invited to join a group a
previously good friend of mine had, I went to him and asked, "If you're
willing, ask what I did wrong. Why wasn't I invited?"
To my surprise he actually did just that. His answer was, "Nothing
particular. They just felt you didn't fit in."
I'm not a natural depressive. But I certainly find this aspect of my life
extremely depressing.
N0body
You can't be loved by everybody all of the time.
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| User: "HangingIn" |
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| Title: Re: I Don't Really Have a Social Phobia |
24 Jul 2005 12:28:29 PM |
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How are you at small talk? Maybe you are not picking up the ball when
you should, or you are charging too quickly into the business at hand.
Small talk makes people comfortable, makes that critical first
impression and maintains it in subsequent contact. How do you express
your interest in others? How do you keep a conversation going? Do you
remember and use names? etc etc
There is an excellent 2-CD set called "The Fine Art of Small Talk" by
Deborah Fine that contains some excellent advice if that might be a
sticking point. I used to scoff at small talk - but not after listening
to that. It's critical.
If interested, here is a link to a site that has it. $11.17 for 2-CD
set, free shipping in US. Great deal. Probably would be helpful to many
here. I've listened to it a few times over and will continue to do so.
And no, the link will not cause your computer to blow up or start to
sniffle and sneeze.
http://www.booksmedia.com/cgi-bin3/Shopper.exe?preadd=action&key=155977505X
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| User: "Your Name Here=Harvey" |
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| Title: Re: I Don't Really Have a Social Phobia |
25 Jul 2005 08:04:50 PM |
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In article <xPPEe.17608$gL1.9586@tornado.texas.rr.com>,
says...
But I have consistently seemed to create it in othes all my life.
I mean that I can function in social situations. I can go to parties, I can
go to work, I've been with the same employer for nearly fifteen years. I
can even join a club. But once I do, almost everyone else avoids me like
the plague. So, I'm not scared of trying again, but I'm just about given
up. I keep getting post cards about American Legion meetings and wonder if I
ought to go to one. But listen to what happened the last time I tried to
join something.
A year ago I tried again. There was a religious literature study group at
the place where we joined to worship. It had been successfully meeting each
week for about three months. I went one night, introduced myself,
participated a bit in the discussion. There were no heated words or intense
debate. The next week I showed up for the meeting ... and no one else did.
Insofar as I know, they've never met again.
Again, I bathe daily, brush my teeth, and dress appropriately. So it's not
because I stink or wear a bathing suit to a dance. I've asked at least
three therapists over a number of years to tell me what I am doing wrong ...
and they can't tell me a thing.
Once when I was far, far younger and hadn't been invited to join a group a
previously good friend of mine had, I went to him and asked, "If you're
willing, ask what I did wrong. Why wasn't I invited?"
To my surprise he actually did just that. His answer was, "Nothing
particular. They just felt you didn't fit in."
I'm not a natural depressive. But I certainly find this aspect of my life
extremely depressing.
N0body
You just have to keep on trying, never giving up on what you want to do,
and be --- as long as what you are going for, is perfectly reasonable and
not offensive, to others.
For a long time, I was wondering, what could I do - that fitted
into my requirements, to pass time, mix with others (kind of) and remain
reasonably fit and active.
I tried a little bit of martial arts (wasn't keen on all the practicing
you need to do), table tennis (that was alright) and finally got involved
with volleyball. I just knew I liked playing it, although I wasn't that good
at it, at the time - and I didn't really know why I liked it so much.
It actually took me some time and persistance to start
getting good at it, but it all fell into place over a long period of time,
of trying and never giving up. I use to be very nervous before the games,
but now I don't feel that pre-tension now, although I feel it, when a
game gets real serious, when people worry about the score.
Find out what you like doing (by trying different things - that are safe),
and do it.
Harvey
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| User: "koyaanisqatsi" |
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| Title: Re: I Don't Really Have a Social Phobia |
24 Jul 2005 02:43:11 PM |
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X-No-Archive: yes
Hi N0body,
I recall you from your "Green Monkey" post.
I have no idea whether you have SPia or not. You express yourself well
in your posts. That is, I think I know what you are talking about.
My first question is "do your therapists diagnose you as a SPic?"
Doesn't mean I completely trust their judgement. Unlike you, I know I am
a SPic or have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And, I suffer from severe
depression. It's not much comfort to know that, and my life is damned
lonely and depressing, as your's seems to be. My last job of consequence
lasted 18 years and I was quite successful at it. But, I made little
small talk on the job and was generally strictly business--that was my
comfort zone. Like you I bathed daily, brushed my teeth, dressed more or
less appropriately. But, I never felt I fit in on the job socially. If
others went out for lunch, I was not invited. Whatever others did, I was
never invited. It's quite possible that I brought some of those
rejections on myself, and perhaps you do the same thing...by doing some
of the things I do ( below ) when in social situations.
It is the same in my personal life. Now, I no longer don't do much to
even try to socialize. It's just too painful to try. When I was a heavy
drinker, as were most of my friends at that time, I was reasonably
successful at socializing--I no longer drink since my drinking was
getting way out of hand. I think that I make others uncomfortable,
perhaps in ways even they can't put their finger on. I suspect, that my
general discomfort with others is "sensed" by others as "something" that
just makes them uncomfortable. Verbal responses or initiatives by me are
tenatative at best; I tend to avoid eye contact; I'm easily distracted
by others around me; conversation with an individual is OK for me, but
talking within a group just shooting the breeze is very hard. My guess
is that I make people feel ill-at-ease w/o being conscious or having
intentions of doing so. I recently moved back to my home town ( a huge
mistake ). Many people seem to recognize me, but I don't rarely
recognize them on sight and I suspect I'm viewed as being unfriendly.
I'm not really unfriendly ( well, perhaps I am ), but just tentative or
don't recognize people. It's extremely gratifying when I run into
someone I do recognize before they recognize me. I've been away for 33+
years. Many people tell me they recognize _me_ because I look similar
too and talk almost exactly like my brother, who has lived here all
these years. Oddly, I knew that I'd have this problem before I moved
back, that I'd experience a lot of discomfort. OTOH, not one person (
with one exception ), even those who may have once been a _very_ good
friends have done one f***ing thing to make me feel welcome. Not one has
called me to say "I heard you're back...do you want to...?" Rather, I
feel like an inconvenience in my own home town...yes, it's painful. It
is a small town, with people as friendly as snakes--I had better friends
in the Townhouse ( here today, gone tomorrow lifestyles ) community in
VA than I have back "home". Well, they have their lives and I simply no
longer fit in. And I realize that I am, at least in part, responsible
for my own isolation here...I'd just hoped for better from old friends.
So, though I prefer living in my home town, it's likely that I will move
out in the country near a small city not too far away. I don't expect
to make friends there, but I may have better opportunities to resume my
life. And I won't see and be ignored by old friends and it will be easy
to ignore the people I don't know, who don't seem to want to know me. I
will just fade away.
I might even join an activity ( martial arts ) in which I can be around
some people ( we _need_ people, like it or not ), but don't actually
socialize much. I may go back to school to update my computer skills. I
might be on disability. I might take an extremely difficult manual labor
job if they will have me. You see, I have a plan!
koyaanisqatsi
*****************************************
* "Bathrooms are for the weak" --? *
*****************************************
N0body wrote:
But I have consistently seemed to create it in othes all my life.
I mean that I can function in social situations. I can go to parties, I can
go to work, I've been with the same employer for nearly fifteen years. I
can even join a club. But once I do, almost everyone else avoids me like
the plague. So, I'm not scared of trying again, but I'm just about given
up. I keep getting post cards about American Legion meetings and wonder if I
ought to go to one. But listen to what happened the last time I tried to
join something.
A year ago I tried again. There was a religious literature study group at
the place where we joined to worship. It had been successfully meeting each
week for about three months. I went one night, introduced myself,
participated a bit in the discussion. There were no heated words or intense
debate. The next week I showed up for the meeting ... and no one else did.
Insofar as I know, they've never met again.
Again, I bathe daily, brush my teeth, and dress appropriately. So it's not
because I stink or wear a bathing suit to a dance. I've asked at least
three therapists over a number of years to tell me what I am doing wrong ...
and they can't tell me a thing.
Once when I was far, far younger and hadn't been invited to join a group a
previously good friend of mine had, I went to him and asked, "If you're
willing, ask what I did wrong. Why wasn't I invited?"
To my surprise he actually did just that. His answer was, "Nothing
particular. They just felt you didn't fit in."
I'm not a natural depressive. But I certainly find this aspect of my life
extremely depressing.
N0body
.
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| User: "Caprinardo Delirio" |
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| Title: Re: I Don't Really Have a Social Phobia |
24 Jul 2005 01:21:45 PM |
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do you have a photo?? or msn/yahoo/aol/icq messengers?? I might be able to
"help"
I was popular all my life then suddenly became over sensitive/ insecure
about EVERYTHING....
-kim
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| User: "Franz Bestuchev" |
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| Title: Re: I Don't Really Have a Social Phobia |
24 Jul 2005 01:54:25 PM |
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I'll need a photo of you, you've very popular.
"Caprinardo Delirio" <monotreme_@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:11e7msekigogmc3@corp.supernews.com...
do you have a photo?? or msn/yahoo/aol/icq messengers?? I might be able to
"help"
I was popular all my life then suddenly became over sensitive/ insecure
about EVERYTHING....
-kim
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