| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Trishamolson" |
| Date: |
13 Jan 2004 10:26:42 AM |
| Object: |
I Don't Understand How I Get Triggered |
I have this urge to write John, which I know is triggered by the compliment I
got from the professor. But why I should feel this way, I don't understand.
I went to a conference about two years ago and presented a paper. The people
received it warmly and even though I was in the wheel chair and now unemployed
as a prof (etc.), people talked and laughed with me, praised the work, and so
forth. I went back to the hotel afterwards and wept for an hour. I then called
John. I wasn't angry, and yet I somehow wanted to get across to him how much
he took from me.
It wasn't just a career . . . and it wasn't just winning praise, it was an
entire way of being he took. Confidence, engagement with wonderful thoughts,
warmth and empathy with others who liked to think about those thoughts, vigor,
eagerness to breath the next breath, excitment at hearing the most
extraordinary discourse of others, and feeling -- at the core -- like a full
bodied sensual and sharp witted woman . . .
Somehow when I get a faint recalling of all that from a passing compliment like
I got today, the enormity of what was lost hits me like a mack truck. Like Jean
said a while ago, I allowed it all to happen. And anger is not what I feel.
Just this desperate desire to articulate so precisely and rightly how his
tormenting ravished the very structural integrity of my being that he will be
moved . . .
I don't learn do I? In the end, stupid in some very fundamental ways. I want
to cry right now. Will try to work and not write him and just sit on this for
right now.
Rosena
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| User: "Whiskers" |
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| Title: Re: I Don't Understand How I Get Triggered |
13 Jan 2004 04:06:55 PM |
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On Tue, 13 Jan 2004 16:26:42 +0000, (Trishamolson)
wrote:
snip
Somehow when I get a faint recalling of all that from a passing compliment
like I got today, the enormity of what was lost hits me like a mack truck.
snip
Could there be an element of 'hey, I've still got it!' as well? (You
clearly have still got it; dinged and scraped a bit, but still there!).
Don't give J. the satisfaction of thinking that his opinion is of any
consequence.
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^ Interested in Citroens?
-- Whiskers <http://www.aacit.net>
-- ~~~~~~~~~~ <news:alt.autos.citroen>
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| User: "% surfs@uniserve" |
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| Title: Re: I Don't Understand How I Get Triggered |
13 Jan 2004 04:33:20 PM |
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"Whiskers" <catwheezel@operamail.com> wrote in message
news:pan.2004.01.13.22.06.52.455598@ID-107770.user.uni-berlin.de...
On Tue, 13 Jan 2004 16:26:42 +0000, (Trishamolson)
wrote:
snip
Somehow when I get a faint recalling of all that from a passing
compliment
like I got today, the enormity of what was lost hits me like a mack
truck.
snip
Could there be an element of 'hey, I've still got it!' as well? (You
clearly have still got it; dinged and scraped a bit, but still there!).
Don't give J. the satisfaction of thinking that his opinion is of any
consequence.
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^ Interested in Citroens?
-- Whiskers <http://www.aacit.net>
-- ~~~~~~~~~~ <news:alt.autos.citroen>
flooding
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: I Don't Understand How I Get Triggered |
13 Jan 2004 12:12:24 PM |
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Trishamolson wrote:
I have this urge to write John, which I know is triggered by the compliment I
got from the professor. But why I should feel this way, I don't understand.
Sometimes I think people get attracted to pleasing the 'unpleasable', for want of
a better word. It's as if praise from someone who is kind and generous doesn't
really count. But if one gets a compliment from someone who is unkind and
unappreciative --- man, that really counts. And I know a little bit about dragging
back compliments garnered elsewhere to lay at the feet of the 'unpleasable'
person. At a certain point, the unpleasable will surely notice and it may change
his/her mind, won't it? When I find myself doing it, I call it 'Judge Judy time'
--- as if someone else's judgment that a case can be made for my worthiness will
be accepted by the unpleasable one.
I went to a conference about two years ago and presented a paper. The people
received it warmly and even though I was in the wheel chair and now unemployed
as a prof (etc.), people talked and laughed with me, praised the work, and so
forth. I went back to the hotel afterwards and wept for an hour. I then called
John. I wasn't angry, and yet I somehow wanted to get across to him how much
he took from me.
He took and, maybe, you yielded to it. Maybe it would have served you better if,
instead of trying to get it across to him, to look in the mirror and declared the
event the beginning of you taking back what had been lost, beginning with a little
self-esteem. The folks who praised you weren't fools, were they?
It wasn't just a career . . . and it wasn't just winning praise, it was an
entire way of being he took. Confidence, engagement with wonderful thoughts,
warmth and empathy with others who liked to think about those thoughts, vigor,
eagerness to breath the next breath, excitment at hearing the most
extraordinary discourse of others, and feeling -- at the core -- like a full
bodied sensual and sharp witted woman . . .
Well, the core of your being still exists, no? You were in a place then where
external conditions validated it but, although the externals have changed, the
essence is still there, I'd imagine. I don't know you but you don't sound like a
fraud to me. I hear the intelligence in your posts. Your capacity for discourse
seems deep.
Somehow when I get a faint recalling of all that from a passing compliment like
I got today, the enormity of what was lost hits me like a mack truck. Like Jean
said a while ago, I allowed it all to happen. And anger is not what I feel.
Just this desperate desire to articulate so precisely and rightly how his
tormenting ravished the very structural integrity of my being that he will be
moved . . .
That desperate desire describes perfectly what I called 'Judge Judy time' above.
I don't learn do I? In the end, stupid in some very fundamental ways. I want
to cry right now. Will try to work and not write him and just sit on this for
right now.
Yeah, Rosena, you're learning to 'just sit' instead of giving in to the urge to
push the red button that unleashes a hammer aimed at your head. Good luck with it.
Gayle
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| User: "Trishamolson" |
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| Title: Re: I Don't Understand How I Get Triggered |
14 Jan 2004 03:50:26 AM |
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And I know a little bit about dragging
back compliments garnered elsewhere to lay at the feet of the 'unpleasable'
person. At a certain point, the unpleasable will surely notice and it may
change
his/her mind, won't it? When I find myself doing it, I call it 'Judge Judy
time'
Yes! I hadn't seen it before -- but yes.
Thanks Gayle
Rosena
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