"lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote in message
news:Xns98F9B380E38F2mccatsjavanetcom@130.133.1.4...

I sometimes feel like I'm not really depressed, that I was
never
really depressed, that all it's been all this time is an
excuse to do little and sleep a lot.

But my therapist pointed out that non-depressed people
don't often have multiple suicide attemps, dwell on
wanting to die, or have problems with desire for
self-injury.

I still often feel like I've been making it all up. If
only there was a blood test to diagnose depression, or a
brain scan, or something definitive. I think all this
started when a neurologist told me that my myasthenia was
all in my head, which was countered by two big-name
neurologists. Now I constantly doubt myself. Am I really
too exhausted to do the laundry today or do I just not
feel like doing it? I'm so tired all the time, but maybe
that's normal and I'm blowing it out of proportion.

What I know is that I feel like crap. What I don't know is
whether that is of my own doing.

-lisa

Gee Lisa, you could be reading my mind. I think like this
so often....is it real, am I making it up, can I try
harder, how hard do things have to be before it's really ok
to ask for help?

As much as I wonder sometimes, I know how good the good
times can be and I see no reason why someone would
deliberately make up or exaggerate depression.
Subconsciously? I have that debate with myself on a
regular basis, especially the last few days. I haven't
found an answer yet.

As for perhaps not pushing myself enough? Hell, I know how
screwed up my perception can be when I'm depressed or
anxious. All I can do is try my best to push myself, try
my best to function and use the best judgement my brain is
capable of at any given time.

Is it enough? I guess it has to be. It's all I've got.

Maybe this helps you, maybe it doesn't. I'm reading and
sending warm thoughts your way.

"lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote in message
news:Xns98F9B380E38F2mccatsjavanetcom@130.133.1.4...

I sometimes feel like I'm not really depressed, that I was
never
really depressed, that all it's been all this time is an
excuse to do little and sleep a lot.

But my therapist pointed out that non-depressed people
don't often have multiple suicide attemps, dwell on
wanting to die, or have problems with desire for
self-injury.

I still often feel like I've been making it all up. If
only there was a blood test to diagnose depression, or a
brain scan, or something definitive. I think all this
started when a neurologist told me that my myasthenia was
all in my head, which was countered by two big-name
neurologists. Now I constantly doubt myself. Am I really
too exhausted to do the laundry today or do I just not
feel like doing it? I'm so tired all the time, but maybe
that's normal and I'm blowing it out of proportion.

What I know is that I feel like crap. What I don't know is
whether that is of my own doing.

-lisa

Lisa,
How are your thyroid, somatropin, and other hormone
levels? Have
they been checked?

"lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote in message
news:Xns98F9B380E38F2mccatsjavanetcom@130.133.1.4...

I sometimes feel like I'm not really depressed, that I was never
really depressed, that all it's been all this time is an excuse
to do little and sleep a lot.

But my therapist pointed out that non-depressed people don't
often have multiple suicide attemps, dwell on wanting to die, or
have problems with desire for self-injury.

I still often feel like I've been making it all up. If only
there was a blood test to diagnose depression, or a brain scan,
or something definitive. I think all this started when a
neurologist told me that my myasthenia was all in my head, which
was countered by two big-name neurologists. Now I constantly
doubt myself. Am I really too exhausted to do the laundry today
or do I just not feel like doing it? I'm so tired all the time,
but maybe that's normal and I'm blowing it out of proportion.

What I know is that I feel like crap. What I don't know is
whether that is of my own doing.

-lisa

Lisa,
How are your thyroid, somatropin, and other hormone levels? Have
they been checked?

On 20 Mar 2007 21:38:47 GMT, "lisa in mass."
<mccats@rcn.com> wrote:

I sometimes feel like I'm not really depressed, that I was
never really depressed, that all it's been all this time is
an excuse to do little and sleep a lot.

But my therapist pointed out that non-depressed people
don't often have multiple suicide attemps, dwell on wanting
to die, or have problems with desire for self-injury.

I still often feel like I've been making it all up. If only
there was a blood test to diagnose depression, or a brain
scan, or something definitive. I think all this started
when a neurologist told me that my myasthenia was all in my
head, which was countered by two big-name neurologists. Now
I constantly doubt myself. Am I really too exhausted to do
the laundry today or do I just not feel like doing it? I'm
so tired all the time, but maybe that's normal and I'm
blowing it out of proportion.

What I know is that I feel like crap. What I don't know is
whether that is of my own doing.

-lisa

I've felt like that as well, I guess I finally wore it out
because it doesn't bother me any more. enough people who
should know told me that I had depression, they get paid
for knowing that sort of thing.

don't beat yourself up, there are plenty of others who will
do it for you.

then that... I do tend to overcomplicate things a great deal... but I
think that's a lot better then oversimplifying things...I'd rather
overcomplicate things though, because it shows more love and caring
and sympathy and understanding and giving the benefit of the doubt, in
my view, then oversimplifying...

On Mar 20, 4:38 pm, "lisa in mass." <mcc...@rcn.com> wrote:

I sometimes feel like I'm not really depressed, that I was
never really depressed, that all it's been all this time
is an excuse to do little and sleep a lot.

But my therapist pointed out that non-depressed people
don't often have multiple suicide attemps, dwell on
wanting to die, or have problems with desire for
self-injury.

I still often feel like I've been making it all up. If
only there was a blood test to diagnose depression, or a
brain scan, or something definitive. I think all this
started when a neurologist told me that my myasthenia was
all in my head, which was countered by two big-name
neurologists. Now I constantly doubt myself. Am I really
too exhausted to do the laundry today or do I just not
feel like doing it? I'm so tired all the time, but maybe
that's normal and I'm blowing it out of proportion.

What I know is that I feel like crap. What I don't know is
whether that is of my own doing.

-lisa

I often feel that way as well... sometimes my theory is
that we all
have many sides to us, and many wildly varying moods... In
one mood you can feel like a different person from how you
ae in another mood. for example... sometimes I'm very
detached and low key, I see everything from a great
distance... othertimes I'm very emotional, extremly
emotional... and I'm sure it's a great deal more c
omplicated then that... I do tend to overcomplicate things
a great deal... but I think that's a lot better then
oversimplifying things...I'd rather overcomplicate things
though, because it shows more love and caring and sympathy
and understanding and giving the benefit of the doubt, in
my view, then oversimplifying...

-"Jordy"

On Mar 20, 5:38 pm, "lisa in mass." <mcc...@rcn.com> wrote:

I sometimes feel like I'm not really depressed, that I was
never really depressed, that all it's been all this time
is an excuse to do little and sleep a lot.

But my therapist pointed out that non-depressed people
don't often have multiple suicide attemps, dwell on
wanting to die, or have problems with desire for
self-injury.

I still often feel like I've been making it all up. If
only there was a blood test to diagnose depression, or a
brain scan, or something definitive. I think all this
started when a neurologist told me that my myasthenia was
all in my head, which was countered by two big-name
neurologists. Now I constantly doubt myself. Am I really
too exhausted to do the laundry today or do I just not
feel like doing it? I'm so tired all the time, but maybe
that's normal and I'm blowing it out of proportion.

What I know is that I feel like crap. What I don't know is
whether that is of my own doing.

-lisa

It's got to be a natural part of this condition. In me, it
plays out like this; I say, "I'm cured", I get a job, I
get suicidal life examination, and down I go. Haven't even
attempted to get a real job in 8 years.
You know and I know, ther'e no time to lie in bed, you have
kids, I have Bob. So it's not like we are sedentary. I
compare myself to other people, then I'm screwed. I
definitely have a problem staying on meds. The only thing
I am on now is Klonny, up to 3 yellows as needed, usually
one at bed, I don't take 'em in the day. And requip for
the leg spasms, but that's not a psychiatric thang, it's
neurological. I don't recognize the conditions you
mention. My sister has fybromyalgia, and chronic fatigue,
and I admit: I don't believe her at times. But the
reality of it is: It's none of my business what she has.
I don't believe I have depression, I think I just think too
much. and I now believe that SSRIs screwed me up for good.
I think there is an element of growing up in my situation.
I hear men become more domestic after 65, and I just heard
Oprah say that after 50, we have a need to travel and
explore.(She said it, so it's gotta be true...not) But I
can identify with it. My values have changed in 10 years,
certain 'Important!' things are not to me now. I think it's
a journey, and when I catch myself singing and happy, I
feel like the gas tank is pretty full, in spite of my fear
of my mood tomorrow.

Whee!! a reply and a half.

--Frett
(Leese...the sun is actually hot through the window at 5:08
pm. Feels good. The snow was helping me 'tan' this
afternoon. I have Italian blood in this Irish guy, so I
turn bronze quickly. Bronze may be too strong a word...but
I like to neutralize the blue.)

On Mar 21, 8:38 am, "lisa in mass." <mcc...@rcn.com> wrote:

I sometimes feel like I'm not really depressed, that I was
never really depressed, that all it's been all this time
is an excuse to do little and sleep a lot.

But my therapist pointed out that non-depressed people
don't often have multiple suicide attemps, dwell on
wanting to die, or have problems with desire for
self-injury.

I still often feel like I've been making it all up. If
only there was a blood test to diagnose depression, or a
brain scan, or something definitive. I think all this
started when a neurologist told me that my myasthenia was
all in my head, which was countered by two big-name
neurologists. Now I constantly doubt myself. Am I really
too exhausted to do the laundry today or do I just not
feel like doing it? I'm so tired all the time, but maybe
that's normal and I'm blowing it out of proportion.

What I know is that I feel like crap. What I don't know is
whether that is of my own doing.

I have more a feeling that, "I've done it all 1,000+ times
before, and "yawn, do I have to do this shite again?!?"
That relates to my job now too.

In this way stuff that I liked doing, I now don't.

I've gotta decide now in which way my life is headed,
and finding interests I didn't have before.

Doing mundane day to day tasks is also starting to
give me the "I don't wanna" shites, so it's not every
day I do stuff like make my bed. Washing myself and
clothes OK ... that certainly overrides feeling grubby.

lisa in mass. wrote:

I sometimes feel like I'm not really depressed, that I was
never really depressed, that all it's been all this time
is an excuse to do little and sleep a lot.

But my therapist pointed out that non-depressed people
don't often have multiple suicide attemps, dwell on
wanting to die, or have problems with desire for
self-injury.

I still often feel like I've been making it all up. If
only there was a blood test to diagnose depression, or a
brain scan, or something definitive. I think all this
started when a neurologist told me that my myasthenia was
all in my head, which was countered by two big-name
neurologists. Now I constantly doubt myself. Am I really
too exhausted to do the laundry today or do I just not
feel like doing it? I'm so tired all the time, but maybe
that's normal and I'm blowing it out of proportion.

What I know is that I feel like crap. What I don't know is
whether that is of my own doing.

-lisa

You don't sound like you're making it up
to me, Lisa. It takes a lot of effort to
struggle the way you do, to work as hard
as you do to stay on an even keel, to
fight the good fight, to be as present
as you can be for your family. There may
be times when you could push yourself
more -- like you keeping the commitment
to your friend on a very snowy day, when
you had the perfect excuse to beg off.

Maybe there could be an habitual pattern
that gets grooved during your worst
times that prevents you from making the
most of the times when your mood lifts a
bit? I dunno. But making it up? If you
are, you need to start writing fiction
cuz yer excellent at it. But I don't
think you are at all.

Gayle