Dear Elegy sweet stuff,

You have done so wonderful. God Almightly woman, look at what you have coped
with and nothing stopped you from being a loving, talented, giving, strong
lady. I am floored by you. Honest.

If you want grad school -- do it. You are real young still with many many
options.
And love and life, writing and creativity are all right there for you around
the corner.

You did need stability and a safe house. That came first just like you thought.
Seems now you can go ahead and seek the excitment.

It's so easy for me to see the positive in you, and so hard for me to
see it in myself. If we could only trade perspectives, even for 5
minutes, imagine how differently we would see ourselves.

it is *so* very hard to get rid of a voice that tells you that you
will never be good enough. i've had that voice in my head for as long
as i can remember. some days i'm well enough to fight back and recall
events that i handled properly, other days it's just impossible.

creativity is especially fickle, at least for me. mine pushes its way
out on the way into, and the way out of, the pit. it takes me over,
sometimes, until i render an image into clay or draw it out on paper.
those images come on so strong, and they don't leave until i put them
in a physical format.

i know the struggle about graduate school. i also know how terribly
awful it feels to be rejected... i went through 2 rounds of
applications for doctoral programs, in 2001 and 2003. both times, i
got far enough to score interviews, got far enough to get a taste of
what might be ahead, only to not do quite well enough. the process
really contributes to a failing of mine: "i look good on paper, then
they meet me... there must be something wrong with me."

i have the strong urge to erase all of this, because none of it really
addresses what you were saying about yourself and your experiences...
but i don't know, i guess i think there's always something to be
gleaned from the stories of others.

you know all the "there, there, it'll be alright" responses - about
how you're young, how you have your whole future ahead of you, how
you're intelligent and can do anything you want to do. And I want to
say those things to you without them sounding false or ... well i've
totally lost the word i wanted to use there, so i'll just go on.

You are all of those things. But the problem, as you've said
yourself, is finding the passion and the zest for things to really
matter. There is no easy answer to rediscovering those intangible
things... sometimes you have to go looking, but sometimes you just
have to wait, as painful as waiting can be.

You've put your finger on a number of good points - now it is time to
listen to your inner voice and go where your gut points you.
Sometimes one has to be very, very, very quiet in order to hear that
inner voice.

Personally, I'm often afraid to be that quiet, too afraid to stop
moving and thrashing aimlessly about for fear that the beast will find
me, or that i will discover an ugliness within... but maybe it's worth
the risk...

Maybe your day will come when things have been stable long enough for
you to feel comfortable in looking further ahead instead of a day or a
week or a month. Maybe this is your time of building upon your
reserves, so as to be ready when you begin to hear your calling to do
whatever it is that is important to you, whether that is graduate
school or something unrelated.

These are a lot of words, and I don't know if they'll be of any use.
They make me think of Stewart/sna, and his discussions of how in our
replies we are not only talking to the recipient but to ourselves as
well...

You said such kind things to me in your response about my dog - I can
sense the compassion that you are able to display to others - and I
would like to thank you for your words.

Take care, Elegy. Interactions like this one are the reason I keep
coming back to asd.

On Sun, 15 Feb 2004 12:41:30 -0500, elegy <elegy@shattering.org> wrote:

snip

but no passion, no zest for life. miss writing. nothing left to say.
emptiness. full of knowledge that i suck, that i'm not good enough, that
i'm never good enough.

snip

'It' comes, it goes, it comes back. That's my experience anyway. Drought
and flood, sometimes. I'm in a drought at the moment, although there have
been one or two brief showers.

Depression tells us lies about ourselves.

That's pretty bad. Can't you write at all? How about writing a 500
word story and posting it here?

It will all come. You are an exceptional individual. When the black dog
comes 'round at my house, the first things to go are passion (about
anything) and words. Without some measure of creativity words become empty
and hollow things. But it passes, and each time that it does, I like to
feel that I've made some progress in a positive direction. Words here
count far more than anywhere else for me. It's the only place I'm ever
published, and I kind of like that. Courage, el, courage.

elegy wrote on 15 Feb 2004 in alt.support.depression

helping my sister do her grad school apps. wish i had gone to grad
school, wish it so much. know that i can always go back, but now it is
much harder.

thought what i needed most was stability, self-reliance, safe house.
found it is not that easy.

have this life now- full-time job, paying all the bills, living by
myself, no help, doing what needs to be done. being a "grown up". have
my zoo and take care of them all, give them the best. do all of this
because it is what i want. nobody telling me what i can and can't do.
nobody telling me anything.

but no passion, no zest for life. miss writing. nothing left to say.
emptiness. full of knowledge that i suck, that i'm not good enough,
that i'm never good enough.

Same here.

But at least you have all the things in the previous paragraph over me.
Don't know if the fact that you are doing better than me is worth
celebrating, but maybe it helps to know you could do worse.

brain says it is not a failure to be where i am. it is survival. it is
in some way success. wanting more, so much more. wanting love and
companionship, wanting family, wanting my words back, learning,
interests, excitement.

something.

You make a big difference in a lot of animal lives. And I value all
animal life, even human, so I think quite highly of you.

Still wish you'd be able to rekindle that sparkle.

You certainly are not a failure, and very much a success.

I am amazed at what you have all accomplished and what you are doing with
your life. You make a difference in so many people's lives with what you
all do.

Survival is success in my book, and it keeps us on the path to achieving
more.

Your words will come back, in their time.

x-no-archive: yes

"elegy" <elegy@shattering.org> wrote in message
news:5ibv201lav9r871r9keipi50n59mckh4rg@4ax.com...

helping my sister do her grad school apps. wish i had gone to grad
school, wish it so much. know that i can always go back, but now it is
much harder.

you are still young. i don't think it is too late to go back to grad school,
if that is what you really want, and if that will enable you to have the
kind of career you'd like. are you thinking about becoming a vet? i think
you'd be an excellent vet, if you can deal with the emotional stress of
being responsible for treating sick and dying patients.

thought what i needed most was stability, self-reliance, safe house.
found it is not that easy.

have this life now- full-time job, paying all the bills, living by
myself, no help, doing what needs to be done. being a "grown up". have
my zoo and take care of them all, give them the best. do all of this
because it is what i want. nobody telling me what i can and can't do.
nobody telling me anything.

same here. i've been surviving on my own for a long time now.

but no passion, no zest for life. miss writing. nothing left to say.
emptiness.

i feel the same way: empty, with no passion for anything. i'm not living,
only surviving.

full of knowledge that i suck, that i'm not good enough,
that i'm never good enough.

what is "good enough"?

brain says it is not a failure to be where i am. it is survival. it is
in some way success. wanting more, so much more. wanting love and
companionship, wanting family, wanting my words back, learning,
interests, excitement.

something.

yeah, i too wish i had something more than just survival.

x-no-archive: yes

Bad feeling.
Not necessarily bad experience.

Definitely not a failure. It took me a long time to get
self-sufficient. You may not be where you want to be right now, (who
is?), but at least you have something to fall back on. You can always
build from that.

As far as being good enough, good enough for what? You're born, you
eat, you poop, you grow old, you die. Limited amount of time on the
planet. How do you want to spend this time? Worrying about letters
after your name, or enjoying yourself?