I need to get this off my chest, and to get some help
understanding what happened.

I've had depressive tendencies my entire adult life (I'm 24
now), and have been diagnosed as major depressive or manic
depressive by a few therapists and a psychiatrist. When I
was 21 I went on medication to treat my depression. At the
time I had what many would consider a dream job, especially
considering my age. In retrospect, I was miserable and in
over my head.

I was prescribed Lexapro, and I don't remember the original
dosage, by my physician. As months went by and I showed
little improvement (I indeed was worsening) he would
increase the dosage. This cycle continued for more months
until I sought the help of a very prominant, expensive
psychiatrist in the area of depression. He continued the
dosage dance.

I had recently received a kitten from a friend that I loved
very much. One night I completely snapped and ended up
killing this cat.

I have never, in my entire existence, had any fit of
violence like that or had violent thoughts. I went
completely insane. Continuing with my medication (thinking
I was very sick), my hypo-manic behavior and irrationality
continued until I ultimately quit my career of 6 years on
a whim and started working odd jobs. I even went as far as
to commit felony theft for no other reason than the
"thrill" of it -- I have never, in my life, broken the law.
I had never used any illegal substances. This was not me.
My inability to reconcile my actions lead me to attempt
suicide a year later; I had never been suicidal before
being medicated, nor (even in my darkest fits of
depression) had temptations to kill myself since going off
of them.

Ultimately, I was informed by a family friend that if I had
manic depression, dosing me with conventional
anti-depressants could lead to psychotic actions. They were
astonished that my doctors hadn't caught this, and in fact
saw fit to continue to increase my dosage.

Since then, I've tried to put my life back together. I have
tried a few other anti-depressant medications, but when
they seemed to also be making my hyper-manic I was too
scared to continue on them. I'm an artist, and have tried
risperadone, which left me catatonic and unable to work.
Ironically, at 22 I discovered marijuana, which seemed to
effectively spot-treat both my mania and depression, but
now that I'm on probation that is no longer a treatment
option for me.

I have not had any measure of the crazy compulsions I had
while on anti-depressants, and have lived comfortable with
a cat that I rescued for three years now, but the grief and
anguish I still feel today about what I did (and how I
fucked my life up) by using traditional anti-depressants
looms over me constantly. I can't forgive myself. The
experience was extremely traumatizing, and has left me so
insecure it's hard for me to function at times.

I know, rationally, that the medication made my sickness
worse. I know that I was not in control of myself, and had
no way of realizing that, and was really only seeking a
"cure" for my depression. But, in the situation I'm in now,
that of being unwilling to take pharmaceuticals for my
condition (and now unable to self-medicate with the only
drug that has ever helped me to feel normal) leaves me
feeling completely hopeless. I'm shaking even as I write
this.

What are my options? I don't know what I need to do. That
psychotic breakdown completely undermined all that I
thought I was, and to know that my brain can be tweaked
into that kind of madness has left my sense of self in
tatters. I've yet to find a therapist that can offer me any
kind of real insight, and god knows I've tried.

I'm hoping that maybe this community can offer some insight
or or advice or... something. Mostly, I just needed to tell
someone, even if its just an anonymous community board.

Thanks for reading.

I need to get this off my chest, and to get some help understanding
what happened.

I've had depressive tendencies my entire adult life (I'm 24 now), and
have been diagnosed as major depressive or manic depressive by a few
therapists and a psychiatrist. When I was 21 I went on medication to
treat my depression. At the time I had what many would consider a dream
job, especially considering my age. In retrospect, I was miserable and
in over my head.

I was prescribed Lexapro, and I don't remember the original dosage, by
my physician. As months went by and I showed little improvement (I
indeed was worsening) he would increase the dosage. This cycle
continued for more months until I sought the help of a very prominant,
expensive psychiatrist in the area of depression. He continued the
dosage dance.

I had recently received a kitten from a friend that I loved very much.
One night I completely snapped and ended up killing this cat.

I have never, in my entire existence, had any fit of violence like that
or had violent thoughts. I went completely insane. Continuing with my
medication (thinking I was very sick), my hypo-manic behavior and
irrationality continued until I ultimately quit my career of 6 years on
a whim and started working odd jobs. I even went as far as to commit
felony theft for no other reason than the "thrill" of it -- I have
never, in my life, broken the law. I had never used any illegal
substances. This was not me. My inability to reconcile my actions lead
me to attempt suicide a year later; I had never been suicidal before
being medicated, nor (even in my darkest fits of depression) had
temptations to kill myself since going off of them.

Ultimately, I was informed by a family friend that if I had manic
depression, dosing me with conventional anti-depressants could lead to
psychotic actions. They were astonished that my doctors hadn't caught
this, and in fact saw fit to continue to increase my dosage.

Since then, I've tried to put my life back together. I have tried a few
other anti-depressant medications, but when they seemed to also be
making my hyper-manic I was too scared to continue on them. I'm an
artist, and have tried risperadone, which left me catatonic and unable
to work. Ironically, at 22 I discovered marijuana, which seemed to
effectively spot-treat both my mania and depression, but now that I'm
on probation that is no longer a treatment option for me.

I have not had any measure of the crazy compulsions I had while on
anti-depressants, and have lived comfortable with a cat that I rescued
for three years now, but the grief and anguish I still feel today about
what I did (and how I fucked my life up) by using traditional
anti-depressants looms over me constantly. I can't forgive myself. The
experience was extremely traumatizing, and has left me so insecure it's
hard for me to function at times.

I know, rationally, that the medication made my sickness worse. I know
that I was not in control of myself, and had no way of realizing that,
and was really only seeking a "cure" for my depression. But, in the
situation I'm in now, that of being unwilling to take pharmaceuticals
for my condition (and now unable to self-medicate with the only drug
that has ever helped me to feel normal) leaves me feeling completely
hopeless. I'm shaking even as I write this.

What are my options? I don't know what I need to do. That psychotic
breakdown completely undermined all that I thought I was, and to know
that my brain can be tweaked into that kind of madness has left my
sense of self in tatters. I've yet to find a therapist that can offer
me any kind of real insight, and god knows I've tried.

I'm hoping that maybe this community can offer some insight or or
advice or... something. Mostly, I just needed to tell someone, even if
its just an anonymous community board.

Thanks for reading.

I need to get this off my chest, and to get some help understanding
what happened.

I've had depressive tendencies my entire adult life (I'm 24 now),
and
have been diagnosed as major depressive or manic depressive by a few
therapists and a psychiatrist. When I was 21 I went on medication to
treat my depression. At the time I had what many would consider a
dream
job, especially considering my age. In retrospect, I was miserable
and
in over my head.

I was prescribed Lexapro, and I don't remember the original dosage,
by
my physician.

Ultimately, I was informed by a family friend that if I had manic
depression, dosing me with conventional anti-depressants could lead
to
psychotic actions. They were astonished that my doctors hadn't
caught
this, and in fact saw fit to continue to increase my dosage.

What are my options? I don't know what I need to do. That psychotic
breakdown completely undermined all that I thought I was, and to
know
that my brain can be tweaked into that kind of madness has left my
sense of self in tatters. I've yet to find a therapist that can
offer
me any kind of real insight, and god knows I've tried.

I'm hoping that maybe this community can offer some insight or or
advice or... something. Mostly, I just needed to tell someone, even
if
its just an anonymous community board.

Thanks for reading.

I need to get this off my chest, and to get some help understanding
what happened.
Ultimately, I was informed by a family friend that if I had manic
depression, dosing me with conventional anti-depressants could lead to
psychotic actions. They were astonished that my doctors hadn't caught
this, and in fact saw fit to continue to increase my dosage.

I need to get this off my chest, and to get some help understanding
what happened.

I've had depressive tendencies my entire adult life (I'm 24 now), and
have been diagnosed as major depressive or manic depressive by a few
therapists and a psychiatrist. When I was 21 I went on medication to
treat my depression. At the time I had what many would consider a dream
job, especially considering my age. In retrospect, I was miserable and
in over my head.

I was prescribed Lexapro, and I don't remember the original dosage, by
my physician. As months went by and I showed little improvement (I
indeed was worsening) he would increase the dosage. This cycle
continued for more months until I sought the help of a very prominant,
expensive psychiatrist in the area of depression. He continued the
dosage dance.

I had recently received a kitten from a friend that I loved very much.
One night I completely snapped and ended up killing this cat.

I have never, in my entire existence, had any fit of violence like that
or had violent thoughts. I went completely insane. Continuing with my
medication (thinking I was very sick), my hypo-manic behavior and
irrationality continued until I ultimately quit my career of 6 years on
a whim and started working odd jobs. I even went as far as to commit
felony theft for no other reason than the "thrill" of it -- I have
never, in my life, broken the law. I had never used any illegal
substances. This was not me. My inability to reconcile my actions lead
me to attempt suicide a year later; I had never been suicidal before
being medicated, nor (even in my darkest fits of depression) had
temptations to kill myself since going off of them.

Ultimately, I was informed by a family friend that if I had manic
depression, dosing me with conventional anti-depressants could lead to
psychotic actions. They were astonished that my doctors hadn't caught
this, and in fact saw fit to continue to increase my dosage.

Since then, I've tried to put my life back together. I have tried a few
other anti-depressant medications, but when they seemed to also be
making my hyper-manic I was too scared to continue on them. I'm an
artist, and have tried risperadone, which left me catatonic and unable
to work. Ironically, at 22 I discovered marijuana, which seemed to
effectively spot-treat both my mania and depression, but now that I'm
on probation that is no longer a treatment option for me.

I have not had any measure of the crazy compulsions I had while on
anti-depressants, and have lived comfortable with a cat that I rescued
for three years now, but the grief and anguish I still feel today about
what I did (and how I fucked my life up) by using traditional
anti-depressants looms over me constantly. I can't forgive myself. The
experience was extremely traumatizing, and has left me so insecure it's
hard for me to function at times.

I know, rationally, that the medication made my sickness worse. I know
that I was not in control of myself, and had no way of realizing that,
and was really only seeking a "cure" for my depression. But, in the
situation I'm in now, that of being unwilling to take pharmaceuticals
for my condition (and now unable to self-medicate with the only drug
that has ever helped me to feel normal) leaves me feeling completely
hopeless. I'm shaking even as I write this.

What are my options? I don't know what I need to do. That psychotic
breakdown completely undermined all that I thought I was, and to know
that my brain can be tweaked into that kind of madness has left my
sense of self in tatters. I've yet to find a therapist that can offer
me any kind of real insight, and god knows I've tried.

I'm hoping that maybe this community can offer some insight or or
advice or... something. Mostly, I just needed to tell someone, even if
its just an anonymous community board.

Thanks for reading.