| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"slunky" |
| Date: |
09 Jan 2008 06:28:24 AM |
| Object: |
In a bad place |
I'm sitting up early in the morning again. What's this the seventh time
in a row? and I'm sitting here staring at my rope and my pills and
wondering what I should do. I'm being tormented by the people I hear,
and I'm so depressed and my life is pointless. I'm already dead, you
know? I died a long time ago, and now I spend my days waking up and
walking to my funeral. So what's the point?
--
-slunky
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| User: "Hellevangelist" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 11:05:00 AM |
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On Jan 9, 4:28 am, schizy <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
I'm so depressed and my life is pointless.
LMAO! Too fucking right you dumbass twat!
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| User: "rose" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 01:26:39 PM |
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On Jan 9, 4:28=A0am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
I'm sitting up early in the morning again. What's this the seventh time
in a row? and I'm sitting here staring at my rope and my pills and
wondering what I should do. I'm being tormented by the people I hear,
and I'm so depressed and my life is pointless. I'm already dead, you
know? I died a long time ago, and now I spend my days waking up and
walking to my funeral. So what's the point?
--
=A0-slunky
I'm sorry slunky. I like what Contrarian said and agree with her.
When you're thinking these things that's the illness trying to tell
you to give up and that things will never be any more than agonizing.
That wasn't true for me and I don't believe that's true for you
either. I think there are happy times to be had that you'd be missing
out on if you weren't here. As someone with a 16 year old daughter
there are so many milestones ahead for you that are incredibly
wonderful and I'm so grateful to still be alive to witness them, to
witness her growth, to simply be a part of her life. There are good
things in life ahead of you slunky, please hang in there. I know a
lot of people love you and care about you, and I hope maybe you can
hold onto that too. You aren't alone.
~Rose
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 09:18:15 AM |
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On Jan 9, 5:28=A0am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
I'm sitting up early in the morning again. What's this the seventh time
in a row? and I'm sitting here staring at my rope and my pills and
wondering what I should do. I'm being tormented by the people I hear,
and I'm so depressed and my life is pointless. I'm already dead, you
know? I died a long time ago, and now I spend my days waking up and
walking to my funeral. So what's the point?
--
=A0-slunky
Slunky,
I know how hard it is, I am kind of struggling today too. I do some
stupid things when I am really depressed and I hurt and most times I
don't always remember them. Right now I have a 3 year old hanging on
my back who just told me he will "take care of me" and that he loves
me. <<Tears rolling>> Having lost my mother at an early age I know
how it feels to have a parent taken away from me. I would feel the
same way if she had taken her own life except for the fact that I
would be angry at her for not feeling that I was enough of a reason to
go on. I would be angry that she didn't love me enough to endure her
pain (she suffered conditions like I do) and go on long enough to see
me do some of the amazing things I have been able to go through.
I know as a parent the other end of the spectrum as well. We feel
like we are more of a problem and that we are bad examples and that we
are not worth being here. We feel that there are better options for
our children if we were gone and that they wouldn't care one way or
another if we left and took the easy way out.
The point to your life may not involve going out and playing games and
jumping around with her. You may just be able to give her a hug today
and sit on the couch and read her a book. Let me tell you that she
will remember that more then she will remember seeing you taking pills
and the scars that you have.
Do you cut because you hurt so badly on the inside that you want to
show the pain on the outside? That was why I used to cut. I haven't
done it in a really long time. I have felt like it lately but am
scared to endure more pain then I have already today. I want to cry.
I just feel like this should be enough pain, that I shouldn't have to
endure anymore..
My point is this, you have something to go on for, no matter how
little you think it is. Somewhere down the road she will see that you
went on for her because you loved her so much that you wouldn't leave
her even though you were going through extremely difficult things. I
think that knowing that you had that much love for her will take over
any feelings she may have about you taking pills, cutting or any of
the other things you do.
Jennie
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 09:29:50 AM |
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_/ <> wrote \_
Slunky,
I know how hard it is, I am kind of struggling today too. I do some
stupid things when I am really depressed and I hurt and most times I
don't always remember them. Right now I have a 3 year old hanging on
my back who just told me he will "take care of me" and that he loves
me. <<Tears rolling>> Having lost my mother at an early age I know
how it feels to have a parent taken away from me. I would feel the
same way if she had taken her own life except for the fact that I
would be angry at her for not feeling that I was enough of a reason to
go on. I would be angry that she didn't love me enough to endure her
pain (she suffered conditions like I do) and go on long enough to see
me do some of the amazing things I have been able to go through.
I know as a parent the other end of the spectrum as well. We feel
like we are more of a problem and that we are bad examples and that we
are not worth being here. We feel that there are better options for
our children if we were gone and that they wouldn't care one way or
another if we left and took the easy way out.
The point to your life may not involve going out and playing games and
jumping around with her. You may just be able to give her a hug today
and sit on the couch and read her a book. Let me tell you that she
will remember that more then she will remember seeing you taking pills
and the scars that you have.
Do you cut because you hurt so badly on the inside that you want to
show the pain on the outside?
No, I cut because it snaps me back from dissociating and feelings of
emptiness and unreality.
That was why I used to cut. I haven't
done it in a really long time. I have felt like it lately but am
scared to endure more pain then I have already today. I want to cry.
I just feel like this should be enough pain, that I shouldn't have to
endure anymore..
My point is this, you have something to go on for, no matter how
little you think it is. Somewhere down the road she will see that you
went on for her because you loved her so much that you wouldn't leave
her even though you were going through extremely difficult things. I
think that knowing that you had that much love for her will take over
any feelings she may have about you taking pills, cutting or any of
the other things you do.
Jennie
Thanks for the insight, Jennie.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 07:29:23 AM |
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slunky wrote:
I'm sitting up early in the morning again. What's this the seventh time
in a row? and I'm sitting here staring at my rope and my pills and
wondering what I should do. I'm being tormented by the people I hear,
and I'm so depressed and my life is pointless. I'm already dead, you
know? I died a long time ago, and now I spend my days waking up and
walking to my funeral. So what's the point?
Can the idea of taking care of and giving love to
Scarlette give some point to your life today, Slunky? If
it does at all, hang onto it tight. Or do you feel like
it's unraveling too much for that idea to matter today?
Gayle
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 07:33:11 AM |
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_/ Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote \_
Can the idea of taking care of and giving love to
Scarlette give some point to your life today, Slunky? If
it does at all, hang onto it tight. Or do you feel like
it's unraveling too much for that idea to matter today?
I don't know. I don't know if I can take care of her today. I don't know
if she wants a father who has to take pills and cut himself to feel
somewhat human. I'm a bad example.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Michelle la Belle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:21:10 AM |
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On Jan 9, 8:33=A0am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
_/ Gayle <gayl...@rcn.com> wrote \_
Can the idea of taking care of and giving love to
Scarlette give some point to your life today, Slunky? If
it does at all, hang onto it tight. Or do you feel like
it's unraveling too much for that idea to matter today?
I don't know. I don't know if I can take care of her today. I don't know
if she wants a father who has to take pills and cut himself to feel
somewhat human. I'm a bad example.
--
=A0-slunky
I've cut myself since I was 15; I'm covered in scars. My 14 year old
son hardly notices them. I doubt if she wouldn't want you because you
take pills and cut yourself. that doesn't make you a bad example.
It's your way of coping with your pain.
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 07:39:08 AM |
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slunky wrote:
_/ Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote \_
Can the idea of taking care of and giving love to
Scarlette give some point to your life today, Slunky? If
it does at all, hang onto it tight. Or do you feel like
it's unraveling too much for that idea to matter today?
I don't know. I don't know if I can take care of her today. I don't know
if she wants a father who has to take pills and cut himself to feel
somewhat human. I'm a bad example.
If she had a choice between a dad who maybe felt more
human but didn't love her as much as you do, she'd pick
you. Just that you worry about what kind of example you
provide is an example of that love. And you also provide
an example of doing everything you can to stay as well as
you can. Will your mom help take care of her today if you
need her to?
Gayle
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 07:44:58 AM |
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_/ Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote \_
If she had a choice between a dad who maybe felt more
human but didn't love her as much as you do, she'd pick
you.
Now she would, but I don't know about if that would be true in ten
years.
Just that you worry about what kind of example you
provide is an example of that love. And you also provide
an example of doing everything you can to stay as well as
you can.
I know I try that, but it all seems like it's in vain.
Will your mom help take care of her today if you
need her to?
I don't know if she works or not today. I'm waiting for my therapist to
get into the office and returns my call (I think around eight, maybe
nine) to see what she thinks I should do. I really just want to get this
over with, but I think I owe it to Scarlette to talk to my therapist
first.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:08:21 AM |
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slunky wrote:
_/ Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote \_
If she had a choice between a dad who maybe felt more
human but didn't love her as much as you do, she'd pick
you.
Now she would, but I don't know about if that would be true in ten
years.
Maybe we all wish we'd had parents without any flaws. I
have read a few memoirs written by adult children of a
parent who struggled with mental health and, if they felt
loved, the writers seemed somehow able to truly and deeply
love back. Not that I'm saying it's like a fairy tale but
knowing that the parent loved them unconditionally seems
to have made a difference in how it affected them.
Just that you worry about what kind of example you
provide is an example of that love. And you also provide
an example of doing everything you can to stay as well as
you can.
I know I try that, but it all seems like it's in vain.
I can only imagine how much harder some days are for you
than others.
Will your mom help take care of her today if you
need her to?
I don't know if she works or not today. I'm waiting for my therapist to
get into the office and returns my call (I think around eight, maybe
nine) to see what she thinks I should do. I really just want to get this
over with, but I think I owe it to Scarlette to talk to my therapist
first.
Yeah, I think you do owe that to her. Do you think the med
adjustment needs more fine-tuning? Is it possible --
horrible though it will sound -- that hospitalization is
what you need to get a bit more stable?
Gayle
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:22:50 AM |
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_/ Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote \_
Maybe we all wish we'd had parents without any flaws. I
have read a few memoirs written by adult children of a
parent who struggled with mental health and, if they felt
loved, the writers seemed somehow able to truly and deeply
love back. Not that I'm saying it's like a fairy tale but
knowing that the parent loved them unconditionally seems
to have made a difference in how it affected them.
Well, I'm glad she would probably love me, but I still think I'm a bad
example. I read that BPD mother-figures almost always raise BPD
children, and I don't want that for her.
I'm starting DBT again soon we've decided. They're starting up a new
group, and my therapist is DBT trained now, so that'll be good if I make
it until then.
I can only imagine how much harder some days are for you
than others.
:( It's hard. Some days are ok though. I like those days, but days like
this week are unbearable.
Yeah, I think you do owe that to her. Do you think the med
adjustment needs more fine-tuning?
It could. Maybe try an antidepressant again even though they said don't.
I don't see how it could make me any more suicidal than I am now. I'd
just need to be monitored at the start.
Is it possible -- horrible though it will sound -- that
hospitalization is what you need to get a bit more stable?
Ugh. I don't know. It all depends on what hospital they'd send me to.
There's no way to tell that though. Maybe it's what I need. I just don't
know. I always feel like I'm shruging off responsibilities when I go in.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Michelle la Belle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:27:56 AM |
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On Jan 9, 9:22=A0am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
_/ Gayle <gayl...@rcn.com> wrote \_
Maybe we all wish we'd had parents without any flaws. I
have read a few memoirs written by adult children of a
parent who struggled with mental health and, if they felt
loved, the writers seemed somehow able to truly and deeply
love back. Not that I'm saying it's like a fairy tale but
knowing that the parent loved them unconditionally seems
to have made a difference in how it affected them.
Well, I'm glad she would probably love me, but I still think I'm a bad
example. I read that BPD mother-figures almost always raise BPD
children, and I don't want that for her.
Where did you read that?
I'm starting DBT again soon we've decided. They're starting up a new
group, and my therapist is DBT trained now, so that'll be good if I make
it until then.
I can only imagine how much harder some days are for you
than others.
:( It's hard. Some days are ok though. I like those days, but days like
this week are unbearable.
Yeah, I think you do owe that to her. Do you think the med
adjustment needs more fine-tuning?
It could. Maybe try an antidepressant again even though they said don't.
I don't see how it could make me any more suicidal than I am now. I'd
just need to be monitored at the start.
Is it possible -- horrible though it will sound -- that
hospitalization is what you need to get a bit more stable?
Ugh. I don't know. It all depends on what hospital they'd send me to.
There's no way to tell that though. Maybe it's what I need. I just don't
know. I always feel like I'm shruging off responsibilities when I go in.
--
=A0-slunky
I think the opposite. You have a responsibility to take care of
yourself.
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:30:30 AM |
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_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotempty@hotmail.com> wrote \_
On Jan 9, 9:22?am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
Well, I'm glad she would probably love me, but I still think I'm a bad
example. I read that BPD mother-figures almost always raise BPD
children, and I don't want that for her.
Where did you read that?
"I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. Understanding the Borderline Personality"
I think the opposite. You have a responsibility to take care of
yourself.
but I can not be weak and do it at home.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Michelle la Belle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:39:43 AM |
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On Jan 9, 9:30=A0am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotem...@hotmail.com> wrote \_
On Jan 9, 9:22?am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
Well, I'm glad she would probably love me, but I still think I'm a bad
example. I read that BPD mother-figures almost always raise BPD
children, and I don't want that for her.
Where did you read that?
"I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. Understanding the Borderline Personality"
I think the opposite. =A0You have a responsibility to take care of
yourself.
but I can not be weak and do it at home.
--
=A0-slunky
You need to decide what you must do to get out of this - at home, in
hospital, wherever.
Remember, the "life is pointless" thoughts are the depression
speaking. don't believe them.
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:41:37 AM |
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_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotempty@hotmail.com> wrote \_
You need to decide what you must do to get out of this - at home, in
hospital, wherever.
Remember, the "life is pointless" thoughts are the depression
speaking. don't believe them.
I'm not saying life is pointless. I'm saying life is agonizing.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Michelle la Belle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:44:38 AM |
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On Jan 9, 9:41=A0am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotem...@hotmail.com> wrote \_
You need to decide what you must do to get out of this - at home, in
hospital, wherever.
Remember, the "life is pointless" thoughts are the depression
speaking. =A0don't believe them.
I'm not saying life is pointless. I'm saying life is agonizing.
--
=A0-slunky
Well you did say that in your first post. But never mind. I
understand you're in a lot of pain right now. It's your mental state
that makes it painful.
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:51:18 AM |
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_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotempty@hotmail.com> wrote \_
Well you did say that in your first post. But never mind.
I can't even remember what I said. Too many thoughts.
I understand you're in a lot of pain right now. It's your mental
state that makes it painful.
It's dealing with the constant ***** that makes it painful. It's
psychotic symptoms that make it painful.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Michelle la Belle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:54:27 AM |
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On Jan 9, 9:51=A0am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotem...@hotmail.com> wrote \_
Well you did say that in your first post. =A0But never mind.
I can't even remember what I said. Too many thoughts.
I understand you're in a lot of pain right now. =A0It's your mental
state that makes it painful.
It's dealing with the constant ***** that makes it painful. It's
psychotic symptoms that make it painful.
--
=A0-slunky
I'm sorry about that. Do you have any meds?
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:59:16 AM |
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_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotempty@hotmail.com> wrote \_
I'm sorry about that. Do you have any meds?
I took my meds this morning at 5:00.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Michelle la Belle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 09:00:45 AM |
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On Jan 9, 9:59=A0am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotem...@hotmail.com> wrote \_
I'm sorry about that. =A0Do you have any meds?
I took my meds this morning at 5:00.
--
=A0-slunky
anit-psychotics?
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 09:05:35 AM |
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_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotempty@hotmail.com> wrote \_
anit-psychotics?
Yes, two of them and mood stabilizers and lorazepam.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Michelle la Belle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 09:08:01 AM |
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On Jan 9, 10:05=A0am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotem...@hotmail.com> wrote \_
anit-psychotics?
Yes, two of them and mood stabilizers and lorazepam.
--
=A0-slunky
can you take more if you need them?
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 09:14:34 AM |
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_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotempty@hotmail.com> wrote \_
can you take more if you need them?
No.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:42:24 AM |
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slunky wrote:
I'm starting DBT again soon we've decided. They're starting up a new
group, and my therapist is DBT trained now, so that'll be good if I make
it until then.
Well, hang in, Slunky, a DBT group might help.
It could. Maybe try an antidepressant again even though they said don't.
I don't see how it could make me any more suicidal than I am now. I'd
just need to be monitored at the start.
Does "monitored" mean during a hospital stay?
Is it possible -- horrible though it will sound -- that
hospitalization is what you need to get a bit more stable?
Ugh. I don't know. It all depends on what hospital they'd send me to.
There's no way to tell that though. Maybe it's what I need. I just don't
know. I always feel like I'm shruging off responsibilities when I go in.
If the responsibilities are crushing you to the point that
you feel like you can't go on, then the prime
responsibility becomes getting through this and getting
more stable. imo. At least you've got a good therapist who
cares about you. It might not seem like much the way
you're feeling right now but it is someone you can count
on. You've been without that in the past.
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:48:06 AM |
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_/ Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote \_
Well, hang in, Slunky, a DBT group might help.
I hope so.
Does "monitored" mean during a hospital stay?
Yes. Unless there's another way I can get support should I become out of
control.
If the responsibilities are crushing you to the point that
you feel like you can't go on, then the prime
responsibility becomes getting through this and getting
more stable. imo.
I didn't think about that.
At least you've got a good therapist who
cares about you. It might not seem like much the way
you're feeling right now but it is someone you can count
on. You've been without that in the past.
I know. She's really good. I just hope she comes in at eight to call me.
I can't wait past nine. My wife will leave for work then, not that she's
much help right now. I woke her up and she yelled at me, but at least I
can't hang myself when she's here.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Michelle la Belle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:50:30 AM |
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On Jan 9, 9:48=A0am, slunky <slu...@globalzero.org> wrote:
_/ Gayle <gayl...@rcn.com> wrote \_
Well, hang in, Slunky, a DBT group might help.
I hope so.
Does "monitored" mean during a hospital stay?
Yes. Unless there's another way I can get support should I become out of
control.
If the responsibilities are crushing you to the point that
you feel like you can't go on, then the prime
responsibility becomes getting through this and getting
more stable. imo.
I didn't think about that.
At least you've got a good therapist who
cares about you. It might not seem like much the way
you're feeling right now but it is someone you can count
on. You've been without that in the past.
I know. She's really good. I just hope she comes in at eight to call me.
I can't wait past nine. My wife will leave for work then, not that she's
much help right now. I woke her up and she yelled at me, but at least I
can't hang myself when she's here.
--
=A0-slunky
Under the circumstances, I don't want to say "hang in there" so I'll
say, just keep going until you get help. We are here for you.
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:52:09 AM |
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_/ Michelle la Belle <aminotempty@hotmail.com> wrote \_
Under the circumstances, I don't want to say "hang in there" so I'll
say, just keep going until you get help.
:P
We are here for you.
I'm glad.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:52:12 AM |
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slunky wrote:
I know. She's really good. I just hope she comes in at eight to call me.
I can't wait past nine. My wife will leave for work then, not that she's
much help right now. I woke her up and she yelled at me, but at least I
can't hang myself when she's here.
Or when Scarlette is there. Nope. Earlier this week, you
and % were talking about working on a crisis line or as a
counselor. What would you say to someone who feels the way
you do now?
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| User: "slunky" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 08:58:40 AM |
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_/ Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote \_
Or when Scarlette is there. Nope. Earlier this week, you
and % were talking about working on a crisis line or as a
counselor. What would you say to someone who feels the way
you do now?
I'd say go somewhere safe while we help you get stable.
--
-slunky
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: In a bad place |
09 Jan 2008 09:05:43 AM |
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slunky wrote:
_/ Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote \_
Or when Scarlette is there. Nope. Earlier this week, you
and % were talking about working on a crisis line or as a
counselor. What would you say to someone who feels the way
you do now?
I'd say go somewhere safe while we help you get stable.
Finding stability may always be a struggle for you,
Slunky, but I think you've felt better than you do right
now. Maybe the med changes are somewhat responsible for
the instability you're feeling at the moment? I hate to
say "go to the hospital" because I know very little about
that. But, definitely, wait to hear your therapist's
advice. Did you find out yet if your mom is working today?
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