| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"No Solutions" |
| Date: |
08 Jan 2008 05:54:44 AM |
| Object: |
In the pits for real - |
Its been a hell of a year last year, the year before, and now.
Lats year I had a serious accident and surgery. Decided to
take a year of since nothing was looming employment wise
and I was sick as a dog anyway. I made it through a very lonely summer
but then things turned sour towards August
when my oldest son never called me at all on my birthday.
We usually go out for my birthday since I only see him twice
a year, my birthday and on Christmas. He rarely called at
all this year - he knows that drives me crazy. He only lives
two miles from me!
Things worsened at Thanksgiving. His mother refuses to have
anything to do with me - been that way since 1977 when we
divorced forcing me to help raise the kids alone. My son invited my ex
and her whole family for Thanksgiving. My
other son flew up from Arizona and came to see me, twice.
But not one word from my other son. Still I persisted waiting.
I dont dare ***** this son off. He goes balastic saying he's too busy
etc, Im prying etc. Nobody dares goes near his house
uninvited so I never even dare drive near it.
Other things in my life began to go haywire. My and lord moves dope
smoking assholes into our building that take over everything, literally.
A freezeout from people I work with
continued with new lows on a weekly basis. What to do about
renewing my lease began to loom (our landlord wants leases
one year in advance and will rent our places out from under
us if he can 8 months in advance which allows for no time or
planning a move!). The prospect of work and money issues
are now on me from a year of layoff. My oldest sonwas helping
but that has now stopped cold without warning.
My oldest son expects me to "get my life together and start being
rational and reasonable". I havent placed any demands
on my son, to the contrary. I wait for him to call or communicate but he
doesn't. I go for months and no word
then he suddenly expects me to be goodness and light when
in reality I dont even know what is going on - in his life. And
he sure as hell doesnt want to hear about latest problem or sadness!
Finally Christmas beckoned. I felt ill at ease for some reason.
Still sick on and off and prbably should have seen a doctor
months ago but Im affraid to go. My son says we will have
a Christmas at his house the week before Christmas so he can
go to his wifes folks for Christmas. Fine I say. I get ready but
have to borrow money from a friend to make a Christmas.
The day before of our Christmas a blizzard arrives. By noon
of our special Sunday I cant move - this place has not been
plowed. I go outside andswweat and shovel myself and others
out who wont life a finger to help thmselves and finally arrive
two hours late at my sons and he demands I pull into his long
slopped driveway I DO NOT want to risk pulling in to.
My son meets me at the door. I am not a happy camper and my son accuses
me of "not being happy" and says I should
go home. He keeps pickling at me saying nothing back. His
wife appears and wonders what in hell is going on. I say nothing.
Finally my son shuts up andwe go in and engage in
small talk, then get down to presents. My son gets everything
he wanted and he provides some very nice gifts for me including $400
cash which I needed desperately. I suggest
to my sonw e go out and get some smokes so we can talk
and spend a moment alone - he is reluctant. But we go out
and climb in my car. I try to back out but collide with the top of his
drive and take the exhaust system right off my car! I pull
back in and try again - more damage. My son is now mad I
am tearing uphis drive. He begins to wave his hands and give
orders on how to drive. I melt! I am so tired and exhausted and sick
and depressed I can hardly function so I tell me him
"you do it" and I get out of the car.
My sone screams out of the drive with my car and proceeeds
to race the motor and tires in the snow until I think my car
engine will blow. He makes it up the grade in front of his house
and stops and parks the car and jumps out and yells at me as
he passes withme standing, "GO HOME!". So I walk the
long hike to my car and get it and start the car up and drive
home, my muffler and talipipe dragging. (a $250 bill for repairs four
days later). I never see my presents again - they are still
in my son's house.
But, my son calls two days later and leaves a message saying
as soon as his traveling is over we will get together. I take that
as a positive.
Finally on New Year's Eve I wonder if my son is home so I call
three times but no answer. I roam around my small apartment
until finally about 6:30pm I decide to drive to my sons to see
if he is there and I think if he is home I will simply stop and
walk up to his door and say: "Happy New Years Son".
(huge monumental mistake on my part!). I arrive at my sons,
he is home, his Christmas lights are on, a few people have
arrived, it looks like a party, so I park and walk to my son's
front door andring the bell. He answers and sees me and explodes
pointing his finger at me telling me "You get the
bloody fucking hell outta of here o.... GO HOME. GO
HOME. You destroyed our Christmas. I told you to leave
me alone. I saw you three pohoine calls and I didnt answer did I? GET
THE HELL OUT OF HERE - GO HOME!". I swing around defeated and walk up
the road to my car, my head hanging. Others arrive for my son's party as
I am walking up
the lane and wonder 'who the ***** is that!?'
I send my son an email the next day saying Im sorry, I only
meant to say hello and Happy New year and my son replies -
'LEAVE ME ALONE"!
In self defense I reply: "Look. I didnt mean anything by this.
I didnt even know if you were at home. I never would have come but you
left a message on my answering machine. I
thought it would be ok. I only was going to say Happy New Year and
leave." My son does not reply.
Finally tonight on Jan 07 I see an email in my inbox and I save
it until after the LSU-Ohio game. BTW I am glad LSU won.
I open the email and it says, quote:
"Read this email closely:
First off, leave (my other son) out of this - he's reasonable and
rational and welcome to contact us whenever he sees fit, and I don't
appreciate you trying put words into my mouth.
This isn't about him at all, it's between you and I. You're neither
rational nor reasonable and I'm done dealing with it. Don't call, don't
write, don't email me, and you had damned well not
stop by - I'll call the police and have you arrested for trespassing."
I am not holding up at this point. Frankly Im shattered. Im
confused. Very pissed but even more affraid at the loss of
the sagging relationship my son and I had, as little as that was.
At least it was something. Now it's nothing.
It seems to be a pattern of everything collapsoing in around
and on me, and I dont know how much longer I can hold
up under this blitzkreige of ***** from practically ever angle
in my life. Nothing is working. My heath is sagging in a very
real way. And emotionally I think Im one step away from a
collapse of some kind. Thats the truth!
My son seems to be retaliating. Maybe its his wife insisting
on this? I know my son has pressures upon him but I fail
to see how this is going to do anything but destroy all of
our lives, in a big way. He knows this will hurt me and affect me very
adversely.
Its as if I did something to warrant this extreme behavior
and I dont know what I did?
To me its insanity. But it fits the general chaos going on
everywhere in this university hell hole.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Lost and Miserable and Failing Fast.
.
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