Damn the pain of breaking up and losing someone SUCKS..! And even worse is
the thoughts and feelings that can come afterwards, 'i will never meet
someone like that again', 'she was my soulmate and i lost her' etc etc.
How long ago did the breakup happen? Dude your heartbroken and of course you
are going to feel all those feelings and that profound sense of loss. my
absolute worst depressions are always triggered with the end of a
relationship. i dont think anything can break the heart more effectively.
the amazing thing is, almost Everyone knows exactly how you feel, and i i
have felt those feelings maybe 3 separate times in my life, and each time, i
healed, got over it, and met someone better. I bet she played some mind
games on you that you dont even realize. In any event, you cant blame
yourself.
You do need some positive outside influences, because left to yourself your
just gonna wallow longer than needed. You need to read some good
relationship books on breaking up, there is one good one i know you will
relate to with every page called 'How to Survive The Loss of a Love'
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0931580439/102-5388923-0819364?v=glance
on that link u can even read the first few pages. there is another book
calle How to Break Your Addiction to a Person , trust me you dont suffer
these things alone! everyone has been there at some point or will be.
You will recover from this.trust me.
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." -
Kahlil Gibran
"Cam" <Exquisite@Ameritech.net> wrote in message
news:i_9Ib.16191$aw2.9439159@newssrv26.news.prodigy.com...
I was having a conversation with someone and I begin to relate to them
several things; reasons for my current state of depression. I'd like to
share it with the group, get other peoples thoughts (it might be mind
numbingly long, regardless I don't care if you read it or not I understand
if you don't I never expect anyone too I am pretty damn boring).
You know sometimes I see something funny or think something kind of funny.
I
realize "She would've found that funny too..." because I knew her at least
that well. Then I want to cry I get so depressed I feel so fucking crushed
because I also realize that I will never be able to tell her those things,
it will never be like it once was. I miss hear laugh, her comments, her
voice so much it just hurts. That's all it does is it hurts that I will
never again be capable of loving someone like I loved her, never being
able
to have the relationship we once had. It's so many things that trigger
this
response that makes me hurt so often.
It's the severity of my depression, the triggers for it being so numerous,
those things make me want to give up. How is it fair that I allow myself
to
do that? Why can I not just get over it - I realize and know how things
are
between me and her yet I refuse to accept it. In the end the only thing
getting hurt is myself, which I know also.
I say that I know this or I know that I guess that would be wrong. Perhaps
something better to say is "I believe I see this in this light, perhaps
not
fully realizing it's implications or allowing myself to acknowledge it's
full meaning.". That sounds better anyhow, too lengthy to always say
though.
I've never quite felt like this before. I mean, my depression has never
come
on in this manner. At first when I was beginning to awaken to the
possibility I suffered from depression from what I can remember it was
more
of a constant feeling of depression. It didn't have many ups, perhaps I
could say it had a couple of downs but in general it was stable I was
always
sad, somber, however you'd like to say it: I was depressed. I guess you
could say I went through a second "phase" of depression. I wouldn't really
call it depression, I am not even sure if I could tell you if it was
better
or worse then how I felt previously. It was more like not feeling, not
caring, drifting. I wasted time, I did nothing I had no desires to do
anything. Everything I had done was like merely going through the motions,
not actually experiencing anything. This had actually ruined several
online
friendships of mine, something I now wish I could have restored but I
suppose things occur that are irreparable for a time. Anyhow, I suppose
over-all I'd say it was better then how I felt previously because there
was
not sadness to be felt, but by the same logic nor was happiness to be
experienced. It must win though because I rarely was honestly happy before
then I suppose. It's been some time before my first phase of depression
and
I don't rightly remember very much to put a lot of faith into my comments
on
it. I think in general I've attempted to forget my past as much as
possible,
and I've succeeded to a certain degree.
After those two previous stages of my depression it makes sense that I'd
just transition to another like I had from the first to second but that's
not the case. I guess the second can be viewed as blank canvas or if you
will a tower waiting to lean another direction (depressed again or perhaps
this time happy). Oddly enough I believe in general I was swayed to
feeling
happy. I mostly chalk this up to forgetting that I was destined to fly
solo
at least until I can atone for what mistakes I've made in the past (it's
difficult to do that when I make so many wrongs now as it is). I allowed
myself to develop an online relationship (laugh some will - I don't mind I
did so believing I understood the difficulties involved in such a thing).
This relationship only lasted a couple of months but and in general it was
a
bit more emotionally involved then anything I'd previously experienced it
was pretty quick. Her and I clicked right away and neither of us held back
much letting the other know our feelings for each other. I think you must
understand that having been such a loner as I had been up to that point
(and
that remains so) that merely hearing her voice was enough to crush the
exquisite pain I felt all too often from being alone, from my fears of
remaining alone. I believe then I could have been capable of fending off
my
depression permanently with her at my side. What we shared I believe was
not
to be taken lightly, but I suppose I should have heeded the warnings that
were always being spoken to me. Things like Chris Isaak's lyrics of love
being a "part time thing" and marriage like a "paper ring", all too just
be
thrown away. I allowed myself the mistake of thinking that what I had
would
last, but unfortunately it was not so. I wont get into details they are
irrelevant but ultimately she is no longer mine and she claims to be
uncertain of her feelings for anyone. Bearing in mind that my feelings for
her were strong and I felt that hers for mine were too I was simply put
crushed from "losing" her (the word just doesn't seem appropriate).
Having been foolish enough to develop those kinds of feelings for someone
(those being the deepest I have felt for another person) and now not ever
having her to share those feelings again has most definitely been the
cause
of my latest depression. I cannot bring myself to accept anything how it
is
I just hate it and am filled with anger at many things because of the lies
I
was stupid enough to believe. Now this is my situation, I am alone again
like it ought to be I suppose. I've said it before but it won't hurt to
say
again; hope is the thing that has hurt me most in life. I made the mistake
of hoping and I will not do that again.
So often do I get filled with a sorrow over what I once had (the thing I
had
being always what I wished for) I cannot believe I fucked it up. It's
caused
me to reconsider some of my long standing thoughts about things like
cutting
and suicide. I now find such routes more and more appealing as I go on.
It'
s like I am manic depressive in this third stage of things, I will be ok
for
the most part then just instantly crash. The depth of this depression
isn't
like what I've experienced before it's much more intense, perhaps because
I
went from being ok to bad so quickly it feels worse then what it actually
is
but I'd say it feels like a more intense depression then in my first stage
of depression (maybe because that was always constant I didn't have ok to
compare being sad to). I'm getting tired of writing, more like getting
depressed because the more I write the more I feel everyone is losing what
little interest they may have had from my title. There is no real point
here, no ultimate question I have in posting there it's merely just
sharing
what I've felt. So now I am in an arena debating, discussing, reviewing
reasons pro and con to suicide. I lost someone, someone I cared deeply for
but that's not the reason I ever even consider. The main reason is that I
can't tolerate being all unstable, being weak and not getting over it,
being
stupid in trusting someone, etc.
I guess I am done babbling I am sorry for making this so long and
completely
pointless.
.
