Why is it that I am sad all the time?

I didn't think I was always like this. But I can't remember a time
that there wasn't some disaster occuring that didn't make me wish I
didn't exist.

I want so badly to feel better. I want someone to help. I want help.
I want to feel better I want to be normal and I want to stop feeling
like karma is using me for it's personal pissoir.

I am really feeling at the end of my rope right now.
I was on effexor for years but couldn't shake the non-stop low level
depression. That and there is no money to get meds anymore.
It was either discontinue them or simply go cold turkey and anyone
who's been on that ***** knows the hell that withdrawal can be.
I've done it once before myself.

I lie awake every night reminding myself what a completely and utterly
worthless pos that I am. everyone needs a hobby I guess.
I try to stop. I try to remind myself about negative thinking and
move on.
But it doesn't take long for my brain to land on another sore spot and
start chewing.

How do you stop feeling like this?????

It doesn't help that my latest attempt to get some further help
crashed and burned.
What does it take ??

I mean, I realize that outside of say, me, no one really gives a
flying ***** what happens to me. Least of all some overbooked social
welfare shrink.
But I am beginning to believe that I'm not really pessimistic about
things, they really are just THAT BAD and face it, no one gives a *****
so it's just shut the ***** up and deal with it... or don't.

Years ago, when I couldn't ask for help, the one or two people who
knew how bad things were told me.. 'you have to get help'.
For years I fought with myself to try. I was so afraid and so
completely lost, I honestly had no idea what to do.

I guess I got tired of drinking myself to sleep and hurting myself for
relief. So I told my doctor and then there were appointments and
medications that made me feel worse and long extended waits until I
could see the doctor again to try and get things adjusted.

And the great med-dance went on for a while. Several years.
Finally I realized that it wasn't helping to see someone for half an
hour every 6 or 8 weeks just to have them ask me if I was taking my
meds and give me a new perscription. Ok, so I asked for help and
ended up here. time to try again.

But you discover that if you don't get fixed the first time, they
don't really want to deal with you again.
More trying to explain to a total stranger that you are slowly going
insane, being eaten up with sorrow, guilt and self loathing.
More trying to get someone to help while trying to maintain a social
and sane demeanor.

The problem with asking for help when you are suicidally depressed is
that if you ASK for help, no one believes you.
and if you SCREAM for help, you end up in a locked room.

The latest exercise in futility brought me to the office of a
grotesquely fat, insolent old man who seemed more concerned with my
manner of speaking, than with what I was saying.
I am no mind reader, but you'd have to be rainman not to know this fat
***** decided after 5 minutes that he just didn't like me and spent the
rest of the time trying to tell me how ridiculous I was being.

Anyone out there who has had that happen? There you are, finally.
This is going to be the start of the road to recovery. And what
happens???? They spend the little time they grant you trying to tell
you why you are being ridiculous. How about this gem.. "Well if you
had interests before, you couldn't be depressed."
Who'd have thought that cracker jack had pdoc licenses in them?

Fat ***** then xeroxed some form letter to his gubmint paymasters and
they sent their final 'diagnosis' to me via ground mail (a three week
further wait) telling me that I wasn't depressed and since I wasn't
depressed I would need to look for help elsewhere.

So I'm sitting here right this second writing this because there is
nothing left for me but this.

and then I think....
It is winter here. The lack of heat in the apartment has reminded me
that it will be a simple matter of walking off into the woods without
a coat. They say freezing to death is just like falling asleep.
and I am so very tired.

Sorry for taking the bandwidth.

mistake.

Why is it that I am sad all the time?
I want so badly to feel better. I want someone to help.
I am really feeling at the end of my rope right now.

I try to stop. I try to remind myself about negative thinking and
move on. But it doesn't take long for my brain to land on another sore spot and
start chewing.
How do you stop feeling like this?????

It doesn't help that my latest attempt to get some further help
crashed and burned.

I guess I got tired of drinking myself to sleep and hurting myself for
relief.

But you discover that if you don't get fixed the first time, they
don't really want to deal with you again.

More trying to explain to a total stranger that you are slowly going
insane, being eaten up with sorrow, guilt and self loathing.
More trying to get someone to help while trying to maintain a social
and sane demeanor.
The problem with asking for help when you are suicidally depressed is
that if you ASK for help, no one believes you.
and if you SCREAM for help, you end up in a locked room.

The latest exercise in futility brought me to the office of a
grotesquely fat, insolent old man who seemed more concerned with my
manner of speaking, than with what I was saying.
I am no mind reader, but you'd have to be rainman not to know this fat
***** decided after 5 minutes that he just didn't like me and spent the
rest of the time trying to tell me how ridiculous I was being.

had interests before, you couldn't be depressed."
Who'd have thought that cracker jack had pdoc licenses in them?

they sent their final 'diagnosis' to me via ground mail (a three week
further wait) telling me that I wasn't depressed and since I wasn't
depressed I would need to look for help elsewhere.

It is winter here. The lack of heat in the apartment has reminded me
that it will be a simple matter of walking off into the woods without
a coat. They say freezing to death is just like falling asleep.
and I am so very tired.