| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Annie" |
| Date: |
08 Jun 2005 06:19:24 AM |
| Object: |
It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
So I wanted to get people's advice on this situation I'm in, and maybe
in a way I just wanted to write about it too, because I haven't really
formulated these thoughts to anyone yet, and it's just festering to a
point where I can't take it anymore. So, here is my messed up
psuedo-relationship which is driving me even more nutty than I usually
am. Advice please!
I met this guy J about two months ago in a bookstore, and we really hit
it off. Sadly he lived about an hour and a half away so for the first
two weeks of knowing him we mostly talked on the phone and emailed.
But when I say that, I'm not really giving you the full weight of
things. The first time we talked on the phone, we talked for 10 hours
straight. The second time for 14. After that, our conversations
averaged out around 6-8 hours, every night. We never ran out of things
to say to each other, and it was amazing to connect so completely and
so quickly with someone. I haven't had a connection like that in so
long, partly for self-imposed reasons, partly because it can just be
hard to meet people you really connect with. After two weeks of
non-stop email or phone conversation, he came to spend the weekend with
me, and that was great too. Everything was going really well, until he
told me about his girlfriend. Or sort-of girlfriend. I should have
taken this as a neon sign and run away screaming. I did kind of. The
story was he'd been dating this girl for 3 years, that when he met me
things weren't working out and they'd decided to go on a break, that he
really thought she wasn't what he wanted, yadda, yadda, yadda... and
then three days after the weekend he came to visit he tells me that
they've decided to try to be together again. That was the first time I
got angry and told him we shouldn't even be friends, mostly because she
didn't even know I existed, he wasn't about to tell her, and I knew
that if I was her, and found out that my boyfriend was staying up all
night talking to some girl he'd slept with and confessed non-friend
feelings for, I'd be upset. I felt like the other girl, even though we
had agreed to just be friends, cause despite that, there was still talk
of how we felt about each other, and okay, yes there was the phone sex
too. he didn't agree with me, not because i was wrong, but because he
didn't want to stop talking. and after going just a few days without
talkign to him, i started to think "oh, ***** it" too. we started
talkign again, under the auspices of being just friends, but it's like
for every day of just friendly talk we have, the next is followed by
these inappropriate conversations with a guy who's seeing someone else.
i don't know if i'm crazy, but it's been over two weeks since he agreed
to try again with his girlfriend and he still calls me everynight, we
still have these marathon conversations, we still have the occassional
phone sex, and he still talks about how amazing i am and how happy he
is to have found me. if nothing else, it's making it really hard to
get over him. i hit the wall the other night. we had this amazing 10
hour conversation, so much so that i even naively entertained the
notion that he'd give up with the girlfriend. the next day he was
going out of town to take the lsat and had decided to get a hotel room
where he was going so he'd be ready and not have to drive over in the
morning. he bemoaned being alone in a hotel room and said he'd call
when he got settled so i could keep him company. he didn't call, which
was fine. i didn't call because i thought he had gone to sleep really
early to be ready for the test. i didn't want to disturb him, but i
did want to wish him luck, and i was worried that he was okay. he
called the next night, and when i asked him how things went, he started
saying things like "we got there at... we stayed in the hotel...we went
to dinner after..." i'm not an idiot. i know exactly what "we" refers
to. it's not per se that i care that his girlfriend went with him, i
get that. it's that he didn't even have the decency to say she did,
just to throw out this lame "we" so i'd have to get it myself, and he
didn't once apologize for not calling. i started to think about how i
had wanted to call him, and what he would have done or explained to her
if i had, and i got this really sick feeling in my stomach when i
realized, this is exactly what it feels like to be the other woman. i
felt so cheap and tawdry, and mostly heart broken.
by now, you're thinking, god, just leave him alone. get him out of
your life. that's probably not bad advice, it's just, despite all of
this, despite feeling so hurt by him, i'm still so attached to him.
and i guess the truth is i'm scared to let him go. cause what if that
hurts me? and what if i never met someone else i connect with as much
as him? and all the other things that come with feeling something for
someone who doesn't feel it back. it's not that i don't realize that i
need to change things with him, it's just that i don't know how.
annie
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
10 Jun 2005 01:45:21 AM |
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"Annie" <ak052@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1118229564.660273.302130@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
<snipped>
by now, you're thinking, god, just leave him alone. get him out of
your life. that's probably not bad advice, it's just, despite all of
this, despite feeling so hurt by him, i'm still so attached to him.
and i guess the truth is i'm scared to let him go. cause what if that
hurts me? and what if i never met someone else i connect with as much
as him? and all the other things that come with feeling something for
someone who doesn't feel it back. it's not that i don't realize that i
need to change things with him, it's just that i don't know how.
annie
Breaking it off will not be easy. But none-the-less necessary. It might
help to remember one thing - Whatever they will *with* you they will do *to*
you. Not usually a question of "if" but "when." Surely, that is not the
kind of man you want to spend your life with. You deserve better.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
"Often, and unfortunately, sometimes our
best view of God is from Hell."
@LW2005
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
10 Jun 2005 01:49:15 AM |
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"Annie" <ak052@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1118229564.660273.302130@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
by now, you're thinking, god, just leave him alone. get him out of
your life. that's probably not bad advice, it's just, despite all of
this, despite feeling so hurt by him, i'm still so attached to him.
and i guess the truth is i'm scared to let him go. cause what if that
hurts me? and what if i never met someone else i connect with as much
as him? and all the other things that come with feeling something for
someone who doesn't feel it back. it's not that i don't realize that i
need to change things with him, it's just that i don't know how.
annie
Breaking it off will not be easy. But none-the-less necessary. It might
help to remember one thing - Whatever they will do *with* you they will do
*to* you. Not usually a question of "if" but "when." Surely, that is not
the kind of man you want to spend your life with. You deserve better.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
"Often, and unfortunately, sometimes our
best view of God is from Hell."
@LW2005
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 08:53:24 AM |
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"Annie" <ak052@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1118229564.660273.302130@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
So, here is my messed up
psuedo-relationship which is driving me even more nutty than I usually
am. Advice please!
annie
Annie,
What I have to tell you is harsh, but true.
Formerly being a single man, now married, I can tell you that some guys,
myself included, liked to have primary and secondary women. I had my few
select girls that I would try hard to please, and then there were the ones
that I did not try do hard for. Those secondary girls, because I was not so
readily at their beck and call, were more caught up with me than was the
primary ones that I was chasing. People like a chase. If something is EASY
to get, the reward is not as good as the one you had to WORK to get.
as a side note, I remember working my ***** off mowing lawns so I could buy a
candy bar and a pop. You know, that candy bar and pop tasted MUCH better
than ones given to me by my mom.
The secondary women were usually better "Friends" to me than my primary
women.
I sound like a very bad person. I guess I was a very bad person. The only
redeeming factor was that I ALWAYS told the girls I dated about the other
girls in my life so there would be no lies about the dating.
Annie, you can choose to be a secondary girl or a primary girl. When a guy
tells you that his relationship is bad. That may be so, but I would be
careful with your heart and not expect him to be telling HER about you. If
he is still with her. LET them be together without you in his life. If you
were HER, would you want a secondary woman trying to take him away?
I have been stolen away from a girl. I promised marriage to a girl. My
present wife "Stole" me from her. As it turns out, the first girl was
cheating on me anyhow. God does weird things.
OK, enough rambling.
Do not take my advise. I have been married four times now. I suck at this
relationship thing.
David.
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| User: "Matt Someone" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 08:25:02 AM |
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Annie wrote:
So I wanted to get people's advice on this situation I'm in, and maybe
in a way I just wanted to write about it too, because I haven't really
formulated these thoughts to anyone yet, and it's just festering to a
point where I can't take it anymore. So, here is my messed up
psuedo-relationship which is driving me even more nutty than I usually
am. Advice please!
I met this guy J about two months ago in a bookstore, and we really hit
it off. Sadly he lived about an hour and a half away so for the first
two weeks of knowing him we mostly talked on the phone and emailed.
But when I say that, I'm not really giving you the full weight of
things. The first time we talked on the phone, we talked for 10 hours
straight. The second time for 14. After that, our conversations
averaged out around 6-8 hours, every night. We never ran out of things
to say to each other, and it was amazing to connect so completely and
so quickly with someone. I haven't had a connection like that in so
long, partly for self-imposed reasons, partly because it can just be
hard to meet people you really connect with. After two weeks of
non-stop email or phone conversation, he came to spend the weekend with
me, and that was great too. Everything was going really well, until he
told me about his girlfriend. Or sort-of girlfriend. I should have
taken this as a neon sign and run away screaming. I did kind of. The
story was he'd been dating this girl for 3 years, that when he met me
things weren't working out and they'd decided to go on a break, that he
really thought she wasn't what he wanted, yadda, yadda, yadda... and
then three days after the weekend he came to visit he tells me that
they've decided to try to be together again. That was the first time I
got angry and told him we shouldn't even be friends, mostly because she
didn't even know I existed, he wasn't about to tell her, and I knew
that if I was her, and found out that my boyfriend was staying up all
night talking to some girl he'd slept with and confessed non-friend
feelings for, I'd be upset. I felt like the other girl, even though we
had agreed to just be friends, cause despite that, there was still talk
of how we felt about each other, and okay, yes there was the phone sex
too. he didn't agree with me, not because i was wrong, but because he
didn't want to stop talking. and after going just a few days without
talkign to him, i started to think "oh, ***** it" too. we started
talkign again, under the auspices of being just friends, but it's like
for every day of just friendly talk we have, the next is followed by
these inappropriate conversations with a guy who's seeing someone else.
i don't know if i'm crazy, but it's been over two weeks since he agreed
to try again with his girlfriend and he still calls me everynight, we
still have these marathon conversations, we still have the occassional
phone sex, and he still talks about how amazing i am and how happy he
is to have found me. if nothing else, it's making it really hard to
get over him. i hit the wall the other night. we had this amazing 10
hour conversation, so much so that i even naively entertained the
notion that he'd give up with the girlfriend. the next day he was
going out of town to take the lsat and had decided to get a hotel room
where he was going so he'd be ready and not have to drive over in the
morning. he bemoaned being alone in a hotel room and said he'd call
when he got settled so i could keep him company. he didn't call, which
was fine. i didn't call because i thought he had gone to sleep really
early to be ready for the test. i didn't want to disturb him, but i
did want to wish him luck, and i was worried that he was okay. he
called the next night, and when i asked him how things went, he started
saying things like "we got there at... we stayed in the hotel...we went
to dinner after..." i'm not an idiot. i know exactly what "we" refers
to. it's not per se that i care that his girlfriend went with him, i
get that. it's that he didn't even have the decency to say she did,
just to throw out this lame "we" so i'd have to get it myself, and he
didn't once apologize for not calling. i started to think about how i
had wanted to call him, and what he would have done or explained to her
if i had, and i got this really sick feeling in my stomach when i
realized, this is exactly what it feels like to be the other woman. i
felt so cheap and tawdry, and mostly heart broken.
by now, you're thinking, god, just leave him alone. get him out of
your life. that's probably not bad advice, it's just, despite all of
this, despite feeling so hurt by him, i'm still so attached to him.
and i guess the truth is i'm scared to let him go. cause what if that
hurts me? and what if i never met someone else i connect with as much
as him? and all the other things that come with feeling something for
someone who doesn't feel it back. it's not that i don't realize that i
need to change things with him, it's just that i don't know how.
annie
Its guys like that who screw things up. I'm not saying that there are women
too, I just particularly dislike guys who do this kind of thing. I dont
know if its any cosolation, but I know there are guys out there you can
connect with, and they wont be using you to see if they still have feelings
for their others.
I'm sorry he put you through this and there isnt anything anyone can do to
stop him.
-Matt
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen toit |
08 Jun 2005 08:29:10 AM |
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Annie wrote:
i'm not an idiot.
Then don't allow this guy to treat you
like one, Annie.
Gayle
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 10:46:36 AM |
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Flee , run for your life!!
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| User: "Annie" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 01:07:31 PM |
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okay, i get the consensus, i should drop him and not look back, which
is pretty much what i had been telling myself anyway. the funny thing
is i'm never usually this pathetic person who puts up with other
people's *****, i'm usually the one who calls people out on it right
away and without apology. i'm not completly sure why things are so
different with J.
in any relationship i'm having problems with, i always ask myself: what
do i want, and what am i willing to sacrifice. so i keep asking
myself, i want to stay friends with J, but am i willing to feel crappy
at times, or used at others, or just generally uncomfortable. i know
the answer is no, i'm not willing to do any of that. i guess i keep
holding on to the notion that he and i can be friends, because despite
everything, i really do like him, and even in a non-romantic way. ugh,
the problem with not being a complete idiot is that you can manage to
rationalize pretty much anything, which is absolutely what i'm doing,
and i appreciate knowing you all will call me out on it.
i really appreciate everyone's relationship advice and stories. i don't
have that many of my own. i was involved in a long 4 year relationship
and after that i purposely avoided attachments for a good five or so
years. in fact J's the first guy since my 5 year hiatus (and i know
that's part of why i'm having a hard time letting go), so despite being
kind of jaded, i think in some ways i am naive about this stuff. if
that makes sense.
so i'm going to do it, just cut him out of my life and stop spending a
good chunk of my time thinking about him or this. but now, i guess i'm
not sure how to go about it per se. i don;t know. do i tell him why i
don't want him calling anymore, or do i just start screening my calls?
i hate how hard this is.
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 01:18:25 PM |
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"Annie" <ak052@yahoo.com> wrote in message but now, i guess i'm
not sure how to go about it per se. i don;t know. do i tell him why i
don't want him calling anymore, or do i just start screening my calls?
i hate how hard this is.
Annie,
This is the good part.
Tell him. Be honest, but do not go into details.
Tell him that he has a girlfriend that believes she is the only one. Since
you do not want him to be a liar, he is not invited to contact you again.
On the other hand. I have ex-girlfriends that I still communicate with. They
give me great advise and a listening ear when I need it. I do the same for
them.
NEVER take my advise.
I will lead you into four marriages and divorces.
David.
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 02:30:05 PM |
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Annie,
I hope that you do cut this relationship off, but I worry it is going
to be very very hard for you to do. Reading in between the lines of
your posts, I got the sensed that you are pretty hooked on this man.
I just want to say that if you do not succeed, do not feel you cannot
post to ASD and talk about it. These things can be very hard to do.
And people will support you and listen here.
That being said, I have been the other woman. It is sheer utter
absolute bottomless hell. You feel like trash. You are in constant
anxiety, guilt, need, sadness, nervousness, etc. etc etc. You do not
want to be friends. You are wondering deep down if you can handle being
the other woman. From your reaction to the hotel, the answer is no.
That was just nature's way of giving you the barest hint of what you
would feel like every day of this relationship if it continues.
Cut him off. Believe that a soul mate is out there. Hope that you
find him. But keep your dignity no matter what. I didn't. And I have
been paying for it emotionally for 10 years.
Best
Rosena
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 02:35:42 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1118259004.988323.303790@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com...
Annie,
That being said, I have been the other woman. It is sheer utter
absolute bottomless hell.
Best
Rosena
Rosena,
I have been the "Other guy" before.
It sucked butt.
I wanted her to MARRY me.
I still do!
I would do most anything to have her back.
Ya know something, she is not very attractive to others either.
That is SO weird!
David.
*never take my advise*
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| User: "%....." |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 02:35:19 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1118259004.988323.303790@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com...
Annie,
I hope that you do cut this relationship off, but I worry it is going
to be very very hard for you to do. Reading in between the lines of
your posts, I got the sensed that you are pretty hooked on this man.
I just want to say that if you do not succeed, do not feel you cannot
post to ASD and talk about it. These things can be very hard to do.
And people will support you and listen here.
That being said, I have been the other woman. It is sheer utter
absolute bottomless hell. You feel like trash. You are in constant
anxiety, guilt, need, sadness, nervousness, etc. etc etc. You do not
want to be friends. You are wondering deep down if you can handle being
the other woman. From your reaction to the hotel, the answer is no.
That was just nature's way of giving you the barest hint of what you
would feel like every day of this relationship if it continues.
Cut him off. Believe that a soul mate is out there. Hope that you
find him. But keep your dignity no matter what. I didn't. And I have
been paying for it emotionally for 10 years.
Best
Rosena
practice as you preach
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| User: "Annie" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 02:59:51 PM |
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Rosena,
thank you so much for sharing this. it's actually really comforting to
me, because i've never even come close to being the "other girl" and
part of me, in dealing with this, just keeps thinking, what kind of a
person does that, you know? what kind of a person am i that i became
and chose to stay and am still considering staying the other woman?
i'm such a socially conscious peson, and active feminist, and generally
just very aware of other people's happiness and state of mind, and it
kills me that even though i don't know his girlfriend or have any real
opinion of her, i know if she knew about me, it would really upset her,
and i hate thinking that i would knowingly do that to some other
person. in fact, in some ways that's what makes me sick the most - not
so much that he's never going to be honest with me or feel the same
way, but that i'm being complicit in how he's treating her.
i don't know. i appreciate you saying that it's okay if i have a hard
time cutting things off. i know i am going ot find it hard, but
already hearing other people encourage me to cut it off is really
making me feel stronger and giving me the confidence and resolve to do
the right thing. course, that's easier said than done and when i do
talk to him it may be totally different.
and yes, you're right, i am pretty hooked on him. i don't want to make
him out to be the villian. i think deep down he's a good guy. i just
think, like everyone's said that he's indecisive, and confused and
wishy-washy, and whether he means to or not, he's using me to feel
something about himself that he's not getting elsewhere.
annie
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 03:10:38 PM |
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Dear Annie,
I am glad to hear you are feeling strong. And the problem is in these
situations that the man isn't the devil. Often they are sweet,
charming, smart, funny, and caring guys. I am going out on a limb
saying this (maybe ASDers disagreement here), but I believe that men
are generally quite different than women. Having two women is pretty
easy for them for they put relationships in boxes, and it gives them a
strong sense of potency. Of being manly and boundless - men need this
feeling to be men and do not think straight when it comes to two women.
Women who are the other woman?? All kinds. I was married, had a child,
and a profession I loved. I think I was a good woman. Not perfect, but
not the she-devil. Love. Love blew it all up and married or not, I
would have followed him to Hell. Well, actually, I did. But I was not
strong enough to endure. My child suffered. My profession was ruined.
And I had a nervous breakdown. If I may say, don't judge the other
woman, she can be any one of us here on ASD in the right circumstance,
but it is a horrible horrible way to live - for her, for the wife or
girlfriend.
Best
Rosena
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 03:13:52 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1118261438.445404.262050@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
Dear Annie,
I am glad to hear you are feeling strong. And the problem is in these
situations that the man isn't the devil. Often they are sweet,
charming, smart, funny, and caring guys. I am going out on a limb
saying this (maybe ASDers disagreement here), but I believe that men
are generally quite different than women. Having two women is pretty
easy for them for they put relationships in boxes, and it gives them a
strong sense of potency. Of being manly and boundless - men need this
feeling to be men and do not think straight when it comes to two women.
Women who are the other woman?? All kinds. I was married, had a child,
and a profession I loved. I think I was a good woman. Not perfect, but
not the she-devil. Love. Love blew it all up and married or not, I
would have followed him to Hell. Well, actually, I did. But I was not
strong enough to endure. My child suffered. My profession was ruined.
And I had a nervous breakdown. If I may say, don't judge the other
woman, she can be any one of us here on ASD in the right circumstance,
but it is a horrible horrible way to live - for her, for the wife or
girlfriend.
Best
Rosena
Rosena,
Are you my ex-girlfriend or one of my ex-wives?
David.
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| User: "Annie" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 03:27:26 PM |
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oh, i know, i didn't mean to judge "the other woman." what i meant to
say was that now i get it, i get how it happens, how a person ends up
being the other woman/man without meaning to or being malicious or
callous. sorry, i see now looking back how it came out differently. i
was really trying to express that i never thought i could become the
other woman, because i am so conscientious about those things, and yet
here i am, in exactly that position, and yeah, reluctant to end it
because i am so into this guy. and i don't think it happened because
i'm a bad person, or selfish. i think it happened cause i fell for
him. and the sad part is, despite everything he's done, and even
though i agree with everyone's advice on here, if he did break things
off with her, i think i would be eager to start something real and
honest with him.
maybe this is one of those life lessons, about how complicated love and
emotions can get, and the truth is, i wasn't looking for a life lesson,
so it looked kind of funny when it fell in my life.
i'm not sure about men and women being different in relationships, or
if that is the case, i'm inclined to say it's the way we're raised
which is why you can find men and women who don't follow those
patterns. but i think there is something to this idea of putting
relationships in boxes and being able to keep them separate. when i
first told j that it wasn't fair to keep us from his girlfriend, he
said he would tell her EVENTUALLY, and that not telling her now was
best because he knew she'd have a bad reaction and then regret her
reaction later. i pointed out that he was just rationalizing lying to
her, but at the same time, it was his relationship, and i was in too
much of a vested interest place to be critical. but i think about that
now, about how easy it was to him to justify lying for the sake of the
relationship. and here i am unable to keep lying for the sake of
myself.
annie
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 03:37:56 PM |
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Oh Annie, I am sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you were critical!
You weren't at all. I was just yapping away.
It is scary to see how easy it is for the guy (or woman) to lie, I
think. I never really trusted John completely because I saw how easily
he lied to his wife.
I will say, if your guy is willing to tell his girlfriend and all is
out in the open, that would change circumstances a bit. Then you
wouldn't be a secondary, so to speak, but on equal footing. But even
that would be hard. Hmmm.
Rosena
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 01:23:43 PM |
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On 8 Jun 2005 11:07:31 -0700, "Annie" <ak052@yahoo.com> wrote:
in any relationship i'm having problems with, i always ask myself: what
do i want, and what am i willing to sacrifice. so i keep asking
myself, i want to stay friends with J, but am i willing to feel crappy
at times, or used at others, or just generally uncomfortable. i know
the answer is no, i'm not willing to do any of that. i guess i keep
holding on to the notion that he and i can be friends, because despite
everything, i really do like him, and even in a non-romantic way. ugh,
the problem with not being a complete idiot is that you can manage to
rationalize pretty much anything, which is absolutely what i'm doing,
and i appreciate knowing you all will call me out on it.
I think that it's very, very difficult to be friends with someone with
whom you've had a sexual relationship, especially when you'd just as
soon have that relationship continue. Not, perhaps, impossible, but
so difficult that it would be much better to give up on the idea if
you can.
so i'm going to do it, just cut him out of my life and stop spending a
good chunk of my time thinking about him or this. but now, i guess i'm
not sure how to go about it per se. i don;t know. do i tell him why i
don't want him calling anymore, or do i just start screening my calls?
I think that it's only fair to tell him and ask that he respect your
wishes. Possibly via email. And then screen calls. Part of me
thinks that he's jerking you around and that he doesn't deserve to be
told, but I just think it's so cruel to have people wonder endlessly
what happened.
But if he tries to talk you out of something that you're doing to take
care of what you need, then that's a pretty good indication, I think,
that he cares more about what he's getting out of this than what you
are.
i hate how hard this is.
Yes. :-(
It will get better. That's not remotely comforting, but it's true.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 09:05:20 AM |
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On 8 Jun 2005 04:19:24 -0700, "Annie" <ak052@yahoo.com> wrote:
by now, you're thinking, god, just leave him alone. get him out of
your life. that's probably not bad advice, it's just, despite all of
this, despite feeling so hurt by him, i'm still so attached to him.
and i guess the truth is i'm scared to let him go. cause what if that
hurts me? and what if i never met someone else i connect with as much
as him? and all the other things that come with feeling something for
someone who doesn't feel it back. it's not that i don't realize that i
need to change things with him, it's just that i don't know how.
"cause what if that hurts me?" Isn't this already hurting you?
Here is some excellent advice, but you already know this; you just
don't want to do it. Walk away now. Don't talk to him, don't even
pretend that you can have some sort of "just friends" kind of
relationship, because you can't.
There are a lot of people out there, and there is someone else who you
will be just as attached to, and who you can have for your own, not as
the backup girl. Face it, he is NEVER going to leave her for you,
because he would have done that now, if this totally amazing
connection was as totally amazing for him. He'll leave her, sure, but
it won't be for you. And if it actually were, would you really trust
him?
You cannot change things with him. You can only change things with
you, and that should include asking yourself why you value yourself so
little that you're willing to stay in something like this and be hurt
over and over and over again. If you don't value yourself and treat
yourself better, no one else will, either.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 09:01:01 AM |
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You think by these long conversations that you know this man. You
don't. You only know what he wants you to know. A couple of things that
you do know about him is that he is lying to his girlfriend and he lied
to you. Go cold turkey. Have nothing to do with him. No phone calls. No
emails. Take all this time you have been wasting and invest it in
finding someone else. Bottom line is that you will find someone new and
he will be 100x better than this guy. They are out there. But, you are
not going to meet them if you are home mooning over this jerk
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| User: "Noon Cat Nick" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 09:15:26 AM |
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wrote:
You think by these long conversations that you know this man. You
don't. You only know what he wants you to know. A couple of things that
you do know about him is that he is lying to his girlfriend and he lied
to you. Go cold turkey. Have nothing to do with him. No phone calls. No
emails. Take all this time you have been wasting and invest it in
finding someone else. Bottom line is that you will find someone new and
he will be 100x better than this guy. They are out there. But, you are
not going to meet them if you are home mooning over this jerk
I agree with this at least 100%. This guy is poison. Block him out
starting now. Find a healthy way to get over your addiction to
him--therapy, self-help books, whatever works. But get away and stay
away from this guy beginning today.
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: It's a long story - but I could sure use someone to listen to it |
08 Jun 2005 06:56:35 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
Annie,
There have been a few times, when I was younger I used to hang out at
other people's houses, and often it was just the wife there during the
day. Nothing really ever happened except for being friends and talking,
or they were single and actually interested in me, but found someone
else becuase I wasn't quite ready. I was just lonely for companionship,
not necessarily to have sexual relations, though I was too nieve at the
time to know that what I was doing could be easily misinterpreted as
something else. Eventually I did learn that this kind of thing is
inappropriate unless the two are actually consenting, not just being
polite and letting me hang around. Finally I got to the point where I
was comfortable with being alone again at my parents house, and had a
couple of male friends that I hung around with some. I never knew where
they came from, they just seemed to show up. Eventually I got on the
right meds and I didn't feel so emotionally dependant on other people.
I don't know if being on meds is the answer for everyone, but with me,
it was the void that the depression caused, within me that I felt I was
trying to fill. Once I got on the right meds and had the support, I
finally got to where I could feel content enough being by myself, and
became more open with those who did love me, and have always been
there.
I don't know if hearing about someone elses dating history is helpful
except just to know you're not alone in your struggles. I kind of get
the impression that you're aware at least of what you would like to do,
but need some moral guidance. Maybe someone can post a response more
helpful along those lines.
Thanks for sharing,
David
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