To always be so cheery. Why do I think that's my job? I don't just do it
here. I do it all over RL. Everyone thinks I'm Polly Sunshine. Why do I
think it's my job to be the "Bringer of Happiness" to everyone I meet? Why
do I feel like covering up my own feelings all of the time? Am I just
codependent or am I desperately trying to escape myself? I just don't
understand me. Yes, it helps to keep a sense of humor, and I'm glad I have
it. Yes, it helps to keep smiling through the pain because it just makes it
easier. No, I don't want to change that about myself. But why can't I let
my pain show? Why do I try so very very very hard to hide it? What am I
afraid they'll see? Why can't I allow myself to show that some days are
just plain agonizing for me? What am I so d*mn afraid of???!!!!!

Here's a tiny break from humor and cheerfulness from me for a change. I
hurt. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt. I hurt so much. I sometimes don't
know how much more I can stand. I often wonder why I don't fall down and
die just from the pain of existing. But then there is relief. Some small
thing. A laugh with a friend. Or a hug from one of my daughters. Or a
date with my husband. There are good things in my life, but there is oh, so
much pain. Pain that I don't understand. Pain that is always right there
ready to squash me. Why won't it leave me alone? Why does it always hang
so close by? I just want to be rid of it. And so often, I just want to be
rid of ME!!!! <sigh>

To always be so cheery. Why do I think that's my job? I
don't just do it here. I do it all over RL. Everyone
thinks I'm Polly Sunshine. Why do I think it's my job to
be the "Bringer of Happiness" to everyone I meet? Why do I
feel like covering up my own feelings all of the time? Am
I just codependent or am I desperately trying to escape
myself? I just don't understand me. Yes, it helps to keep
a sense of humor, and I'm glad I have it. Yes, it helps to
keep smiling through the pain because it just makes it
easier. No, I don't want to change that about myself. But
why can't I let my pain show? Why do I try so very very
very hard to hide it? What am I afraid they'll see? Why
can't I allow myself to show that some days are just plain
agonizing for me? What am I so d*mn afraid of???!!!!!

Here's a tiny break from humor and cheerfulness from me for
a change. I hurt. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt. I hurt
so much. I sometimes don't know how much more I can stand.
I often wonder why I don't fall down and die just from the
pain of existing. But then there is relief. Some small
thing. A laugh with a friend. Or a hug from one of my
daughters. Or a date with my husband. There are good
things in my life, but there is oh, so much pain. Pain
that I don't understand. Pain that is always right there
ready to squash me. Why won't it leave me alone? Why does
it always hang so close by? I just want to be rid of it.
And so often, I just want to be rid of ME!!!! <sigh>

Struggling like crazy today,

used2be