| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Sang" |
| Date: |
22 Jul 2006 12:13:18 AM |
| Object: |
It's getting tough to hold on |
My wife of 7 years has had her share of difficulties, among them is
depression. It's been about 6-9 months now where she barely gets off
the couch. Don't get me wrong, she has her moments where she is trying,
and I have been there to help too. The problem is that I am not ALWAYS
there to help, in addition to her depression, I witness and experience
alot of anger. My wife has driven away her entire family and she says
that she is the normal one and everyone else needs help.
I have been there in the past, however, it is getting really hard and I
find myself experiencing anger an resentment towards her. It feels like
every thing she is saying to me or asking me is a lure into a trap
followed by a disagreement.
She says that I don;t understand (I agree, I do not) and then she says
that this is a time that I need to be nice to her and listen to her
feelings, but she says that it is very hard because she is uncertain as
to how I am going to react to her "feelings".
I agree, the last thing I want to do is upset her, however, following
her telling me that I don't listen to her and she starts into questions
with me that stir things up, she begins to point out the things that I
do that make her sad or angry.
Meanwhile, I have to remind myself during her tirades that I am not
supposed to get angry, or emotional.
I just don't know how much more I can take, She has most recently been
throwing out suicide, and then says that sh could never do it because
of our kids. I called and spoke to her Doctor and informed him of this
and he urged me to bring her in. Well, she did not want to go to the
appointment because she knew they would want to pursue hospitalization.
My wife says that she does not need a hospital and that she has learned
enough her last stay, it is everyone else that needs the help.
I agree that we (me and her family) need to learn more about this
disease, however, I don't know if I have the stamina to cope with this
and I feel really bad about this.
What can I do? What do I say? How to I get rid of the anger?
Thank you.
.
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
|
| Title: Re: It's getting tough to hold on |
22 Jul 2006 01:04:29 AM |
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"Sang" <pgnas@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1153545198.085188.168850@h48g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
My wife of 7 years has had her share of difficulties, among them is
depression. It's been about 6-9 months now where she barely gets off
the couch. Don't get me wrong, she has her moments where she is
trying,
and I have been there to help too. The problem is that I am not
ALWAYS
there to help, in addition to her depression, I witness and
experience
alot of anger. My wife has driven away her entire family and she
says
that she is the normal one and everyone else needs help.
I have been there in the past, however, it is getting really hard
and I
find myself experiencing anger an resentment towards her. It feels
like
every thing she is saying to me or asking me is a lure into a trap
followed by a disagreement.
She says that I don;t understand (I agree, I do not) and then she
says
that this is a time that I need to be nice to her and listen to her
feelings, but she says that it is very hard because she is uncertain
as
to how I am going to react to her "feelings".
I agree, the last thing I want to do is upset her, however,
following
her telling me that I don't listen to her and she starts into
questions
with me that stir things up, she begins to point out the things that
I
do that make her sad or angry.
Meanwhile, I have to remind myself during her tirades that I am not
supposed to get angry, or emotional.
I just don't know how much more I can take, She has most recently
been
throwing out suicide, and then says that sh could never do it
because
of our kids. I called and spoke to her Doctor and informed him of
this
and he urged me to bring her in. Well, she did not want to go to the
appointment because she knew they would want to pursue
hospitalization.
My wife says that she does not need a hospital and that she has
learned
enough her last stay, it is everyone else that needs the help.
I agree that we (me and her family) need to learn more about this
disease, however, I don't know if I have the stamina to cope with
this
and I feel really bad about this.
What can I do? What do I say? How to I get rid of the anger?
Thank you.
That's a tough situation. First, let's talk about you. I doubt very
much that you can "get rid of the anger," because anger is an
appropriate response. You married your wife (presumably) in part
because you sought a partnership where you wished both to meet her
needs, and to have her meet yours. From a practical perspective, your
wife has not only thrown out the part about her responsibilities to
you, but has gone further and expects you to be her uncomplaining
caretaker while she treats you badly.
So your anger is a very appropriate reaction, because it is
appropriate for a husband whose wife has stopped being his partner in
life, and has cast you in the role of uncomplaining nurse. If you
truly were a nurse (in the professional sense), you probably wouldn't
feel the anger, because you would just be doing your job, and you
would understand what the job entails.
Can you get rid of the anger? The only way I can see you doing this
unilaterally is to purposefully recast your relationship into willing
nurse, i.e. declare your marriage null and void, and decide to be
caretaker only. It's hard to imagine anyone in your shoes finding this
an acceptable strategy. The more likely scenarios are you either
divorce your wife for real and seek another woman to meet your needs,
or find a way to change the situation so your wife resumes her role as
your wife.
Your ability to effect changes in your wife's behavior is limited.
Unless she is clearly suicidal or violent, you can't get her committed
to an institution for treatment against her will. However, you are not
completely without options, either.
To start with, I suggest that you first get clear in your own mind
what you wish to do, then proceed to inform your wife, rather than
"shoot from the hip" from anger in the moment. At a minimum, I would
suggest that you stop catering to her. Explain that this is supposed
to be a marriage, and while you have tried to be a good husband, she
has ceased trying to be your wife. I suspect she will get angry and
explain why you really need to cater to her, but that's really beside
the point. The reality is as it is.
*If* you are going to take care of her to some extent (and this is
your decision to make), then I would suggest that you insist on
certain things from her. She must go to a psychiatrist for evaluation
and treatment, and cooperate. Otherwise, you don't cooperate. There
has to be some quid pro quo.
Do not buy into her worldview, because it is so distorted by
depression that it serves no useful purpose. You cannot please her by
doing her will, because her brain is malfunctioning, and no longer
responsive to your behavior.
The bottom line is that there will be no change unless you force it,
and you will have to be willing to go against her will and insist on
your rights. There are no guarantees of success, but inaction
guarantees failure.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
.
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| User: "William Blake Jr." |
|
| Title: Re: It's getting tough to hold on |
22 Jul 2006 06:33:55 PM |
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Don't try getting rid of the anger. Get her to the hospital.
Sang wrote:
My wife of 7 years has had her share of difficulties, among them is
depression. It's been about 6-9 months now where she barely gets off
the couch. Don't get me wrong, she has her moments where she is trying,
and I have been there to help too. The problem is that I am not ALWAYS
there to help, in addition to her depression, I witness and experience
alot of anger. My wife has driven away her entire family and she says
that she is the normal one and everyone else needs help.
I have been there in the past, however, it is getting really hard and I
find myself experiencing anger an resentment towards her. It feels like
every thing she is saying to me or asking me is a lure into a trap
followed by a disagreement.
She says that I don;t understand (I agree, I do not) and then she says
that this is a time that I need to be nice to her and listen to her
feelings, but she says that it is very hard because she is uncertain as
to how I am going to react to her "feelings".
I agree, the last thing I want to do is upset her, however, following
her telling me that I don't listen to her and she starts into questions
with me that stir things up, she begins to point out the things that I
do that make her sad or angry.
Meanwhile, I have to remind myself during her tirades that I am not
supposed to get angry, or emotional.
I just don't know how much more I can take, She has most recently been
throwing out suicide, and then says that sh could never do it because
of our kids. I called and spoke to her Doctor and informed him of this
and he urged me to bring her in. Well, she did not want to go to the
appointment because she knew they would want to pursue hospitalization.
My wife says that she does not need a hospital and that she has learned
enough her last stay, it is everyone else that needs the help.
I agree that we (me and her family) need to learn more about this
disease, however, I don't know if I have the stamina to cope with this
and I feel really bad about this.
What can I do? What do I say? How to I get rid of the anger?
Thank you.
.
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| User: "" |
|
| Title: Re: It's getting tough to hold on |
22 Jul 2006 06:55:47 PM |
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On 22 Jul 2006 16:33:55 -0700, "William Blake Jr."
<ibshambat@hotmail.com> wrote:
->Don't try getting rid of the anger. Get her to the hospital.
Yeah, that's about it. She's being selfish and using depression as an
excuse. Treat the illness, then work on the behavior.
.
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| User: "David" |
|
| Title: Re: It's getting tough to hold on |
22 Jul 2006 12:50:09 AM |
|
|
Hi, I am glad you posted and really feel for you. This seems similar to my
situation. This article would really be helpful to show a doctor, perhaps
you could have a mobile mental health team to come out to visit with, and
have her talk to a doctor and therapist in your home, rather then going to a
hospital. It sounds like she has a lot of anxiety, and possibly some
agoraphobia, which is a fear of being out among people, which I can relate
to. Listing any medications the both of you are taking could also be
helpful. The depression is probably more situational than anything, your
anger could also be neurologically based, which could be helped by adding an
anti-convulsant. I am able to get out some now that things have improved, so
there is hope. Hang in there.
"Sang" <pgnas@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1153545198.085188.168850@h48g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
My wife of 7 years has had her share of difficulties, among them is
depression. It's been about 6-9 months now where she barely gets off
the couch. Don't get me wrong, she has her moments where she is trying,
and I have been there to help too. The problem is that I am not ALWAYS
there to help, in addition to her depression, I witness and experience
alot of anger. My wife has driven away her entire family and she says
that she is the normal one and everyone else needs help.
I have been there in the past, however, it is getting really hard and I
find myself experiencing anger an resentment towards her. It feels like
every thing she is saying to me or asking me is a lure into a trap
followed by a disagreement.
She says that I don;t understand (I agree, I do not) and then she says
that this is a time that I need to be nice to her and listen to her
feelings, but she says that it is very hard because she is uncertain as
to how I am going to react to her "feelings".
I agree, the last thing I want to do is upset her, however, following
her telling me that I don't listen to her and she starts into questions
with me that stir things up, she begins to point out the things that I
do that make her sad or angry.
Meanwhile, I have to remind myself during her tirades that I am not
supposed to get angry, or emotional.
I just don't know how much more I can take, She has most recently been
throwing out suicide, and then says that sh could never do it because
of our kids. I called and spoke to her Doctor and informed him of this
and he urged me to bring her in. Well, she did not want to go to the
appointment because she knew they would want to pursue hospitalization.
My wife says that she does not need a hospital and that she has learned
enough her last stay, it is everyone else that needs the help.
I agree that we (me and her family) need to learn more about this
disease, however, I don't know if I have the stamina to cope with this
and I feel really bad about this.
What can I do? What do I say? How to I get rid of the anger?
Thank you.
.
|
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| User: "Franz Bestuchev" |
|
| Title: Re: It's getting tough to hold on |
22 Jul 2006 01:49:16 PM |
|
|
David wrote:
Hi, I am glad you posted and really feel for you. This seems similar to my
situation. This article would really be helpful to show a doctor, perhaps
you could have a mobile mental health team to come out to visit with, and
have her talk to a doctor and therapist in your home, rather then going to a
hospital. It sounds like she has a lot of anxiety, and possibly some
agoraphobia, which is a fear of being out among people, which I can relate
to. Listing any medications the both of you are taking could also be
helpful. The depression is probably more situational than anything, your
anger could also be neurologically based, which could be helped by adding an
anti-convulsant. I am able to get out some now that things have improved, so
there is hope. Hang in there.
It's nothing like your situation. *READ* the posts before babbling.
"Sang" <pgnas@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1153545198.085188.168850@h48g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
My wife of 7 years has had her share of difficulties, among them is
depression. It's been about 6-9 months now where she barely gets off
the couch. Don't get me wrong, she has her moments where she is trying,
and I have been there to help too. The problem is that I am not ALWAYS
there to help, in addition to her depression, I witness and experience
alot of anger. My wife has driven away her entire family and she says
that she is the normal one and everyone else needs help.
I have been there in the past, however, it is getting really hard and I
find myself experiencing anger an resentment towards her. It feels like
every thing she is saying to me or asking me is a lure into a trap
followed by a disagreement.
She says that I don;t understand (I agree, I do not) and then she says
that this is a time that I need to be nice to her and listen to her
feelings, but she says that it is very hard because she is uncertain as
to how I am going to react to her "feelings".
I agree, the last thing I want to do is upset her, however, following
her telling me that I don't listen to her and she starts into questions
with me that stir things up, she begins to point out the things that I
do that make her sad or angry.
Meanwhile, I have to remind myself during her tirades that I am not
supposed to get angry, or emotional.
I just don't know how much more I can take, She has most recently been
throwing out suicide, and then says that sh could never do it because
of our kids. I called and spoke to her Doctor and informed him of this
and he urged me to bring her in. Well, she did not want to go to the
appointment because she knew they would want to pursue hospitalization.
My wife says that she does not need a hospital and that she has learned
enough her last stay, it is everyone else that needs the help.
I agree that we (me and her family) need to learn more about this
disease, however, I don't know if I have the stamina to cope with this
and I feel really bad about this.
What can I do? What do I say? How to I get rid of the anger?
Thank you.
.
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