Sociology > Depression > Jimmy Carter: "I Got What America Needs Right Here" (from _The Onion_)
| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Noon Cat Nick" |
| Date: |
12 Jan 2008 12:36:59 AM |
| Object: |
Jimmy Carter: "I Got What America Needs Right Here" (from _The Onion_) |
I Got What America Needs Right Here
BY JIMMY CARTER
Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm
wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help
me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me
what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing
something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm,
and I have no fucking idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I
mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you
got here in '08? Fat fucking chance.
Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally
screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped
your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment,
and - boom! - restore dignity, honor, and all that ***** to these United
States.
See, I got solutions to all your problems - I got 'em right here in my
big, hairy ballsack.
You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter's
rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ***** and beg me to run your fucking
country again, because there's no way I'm ever gonna come to you
*****-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential
candidate in your precious fuckin' election. So you can just bite my
*****. I've had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.
You actually seem to think one a' these assholes is gonna prance in and
wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you,
sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull
about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the *****
answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to
Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when
this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.
But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything?
What the ***** could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not
like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that *****. You myopic
pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two
dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful - I had all the pieces lined up
and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on
TV. And what do you do, you pieces of *****? You screw the whole *****
pooch.
Cocksuckers.
Oh, what's that I hear? The weather's all screwy? You got a global
warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off
your lights and unplug all your ***** at night to conserve energy in
19-fuckin'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd
all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a
fucking chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking
Saudi Arabia's ***** like a five-dollar *****? I sure as ***** didn't get
no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore,
that *****-sucking pig, steals the ***** from me and now he's the greatest
thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.
Well, he can lick my ***** right after George W. Bush, that *****.
You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why
don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every
motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking
quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get
for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You
talk to me about compassion? I'll shove a crucifix so far up the
Democrats' asses they'll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them
good night.
Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know *****! Not like these
goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically
wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor,
*****-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some *****. You
know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and
solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep.
Just fucking try me.
So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I'll
do it. I'd be honored to do it - with my fucking ***** in your mouth, you
worthless scumbags.
You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fucking blew it. So get
fucked. Fucking country.
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| User: "Charles" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: "I Got What America Needs Right Here" (from _The Onion_) |
12 Jan 2008 12:42:37 AM |
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Did you see that the managing editor of The Onion left, moved to
moveon.org?
I wonder if The Onion will change much.
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
12 Jan 2008 08:40:58 PM |
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Did you see that the managing editor of The
Onion left, moved to moveon.org?
I wonder if The Onion will change much.
I was worried when The Onion moved from Madison WI to New York, but it's
still hilariously satirical. I doubt one editor will make much of a
difference.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
12 Jan 2008 09:22:30 PM |
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homunculus wrote:
Did you see that the managing editor of The
Onion left, moved to moveon.org?
I wonder if The Onion will change much.
I was worried when The Onion moved from Madison WI to New York, but
it's still hilariously satirical. I doubt one editor will make much
of a difference.
is there a reason why you don't answer me anymore ,
can i know what it is
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
12 Jan 2008 09:22:46 PM |
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is there a reason why you don't answer me
anymore , can i know what it is
I do answer you. I answered your last post but you never responded to my
response.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
12 Jan 2008 09:36:22 PM |
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homunculus wrote:
is there a reason why you don't answer me
anymore , can i know what it is
I do answer you. I answered your last post but you never responded to
my response.
only because i never saw it
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 07:14:26 AM |
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is there a reason why you don't answer me
anymore , can i know what it is
I do answer you. I answered your last post
but you never responded to my response.
only because i never saw it
Well ok then.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 07:27:08 AM |
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homunculus wrote:
is there a reason why you don't answer me
anymore , can i know what it is
I do answer you. I answered your last post
but you never responded to my response.
only because i never saw it
Well ok then.
oh you're just being like that
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 07:35:08 AM |
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is there a reason why you don't answer me
anymore , can i know what it is
I do answer you. I answered your last post
but you never responded to my response.
only because i never saw it
Well ok then.
oh you're just being like that
I can't help myself. It's the way I'm made.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 07:47:55 AM |
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homunculus wrote:
is there a reason why you don't answer me
anymore , can i know what it is
I do answer you. I answered your last post
but you never responded to my response.
only because i never saw it
Well ok then.
oh you're just being like that
I can't help myself. It's the way I'm made.
i can help you
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 08:09:30 AM |
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I can't help myself. It's the way I'm made.
i can help you
That's ok, I like myself the way I am.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 08:34:24 AM |
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homunculus wrote:
I can't help myself. It's the way I'm made.
i can help you
That's ok, I like myself the way I am.
no you don't
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 10:55:59 AM |
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That's ok, I like myself the way I am.
no you don't
Why not?
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 11:20:33 AM |
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homunculus wrote:
That's ok, I like myself the way I am.
no you don't
Why not?
i don't know that , you know that
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 12:19:53 PM |
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That's ok, I like myself the way I am.
no you don't
Why not?
i don't know that , you know that
What I know is that I like myself the way I am. If you think I don't, you
must have a reason why. Or maybe you're just messing around. Either way is
ok with me.
See? I do respond to your posts.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 12:35:03 PM |
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homunculus wrote:
That's ok, I like myself the way I am.
no you don't
Why not?
i don't know that , you know that
What I know is that I like myself the way I am. If you think I don't,
you must have a reason why. Or maybe you're just messing around.
Either way is ok with me.
See? I do respond to your posts.
well anyone that replies to me can't be right in the head
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| User: "Jane" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 12:39:52 PM |
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"%" <persent@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:EIidnZ-7r_rSxxfanZ2dnUVZ_iydnZ2d@giganews.com...
homunculus wrote:
That's ok, I like myself the way I am.
no you don't
Why not?
i don't know that , you know that
What I know is that I like myself the way I am. If you think I don't,
you must have a reason why. Or maybe you're just messing around.
Either way is ok with me.
See? I do respond to your posts.
well anyone that replies to me can't be right in the head
My head has been wrong for years
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 12:58:53 PM |
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Jane wrote:
"%" <persent@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:EIidnZ-7r_rSxxfanZ2dnUVZ_iydnZ2d@giganews.com...
homunculus wrote:
That's ok, I like myself the way I am.
no you don't
Why not?
i don't know that , you know that
What I know is that I like myself the way I am. If you think I
don't, you must have a reason why. Or maybe you're just messing
around. Either way is ok with me.
See? I do respond to your posts.
well anyone that replies to me can't be right in the head
My head has been wrong for years
thank you for supporting my claim
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 01:17:21 PM |
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See? I do respond to your posts.
well anyone that replies to me can't be right
in the head
I definitely swing to the left.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 01:31:54 PM |
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homunculus wrote:
See? I do respond to your posts.
well anyone that replies to me can't be right
in the head
I definitely swing to the left.
sit on the swing facing the other way and you'll go in a different
direction
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 02:01:24 PM |
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sit on the swing facing the other way and you'll
go in a different direction
I'm not sitting on a swing.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 02:18:09 PM |
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homunculus wrote:
sit on the swing facing the other way and you'll
go in a different direction
I'm not sitting on a swing.
then don't say you swing
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 03:03:37 PM |
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I'm not sitting on a swing.
then don't say you swing
I meant it figuratively. Figuratively, I do swing to the left.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 03:21:13 PM |
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homunculus wrote:
I'm not sitting on a swing.
then don't say you swing
I meant it figuratively. Figuratively, I do swing to the left.
ok i have no idea what you mean
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 08:52:06 PM |
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I meant it figuratively. Figuratively, I do
swing to the left.
ok i have no idea what you mean
Probably because I'm not right in the head.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 09:03:39 PM |
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homunculus wrote:
I meant it figuratively. Figuratively, I do
swing to the left.
ok i have no idea what you mean
Probably because I'm not right in the head.
you're left but you're right , ok , its getting much clearer now
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| User: "homunculus" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 11:10:23 PM |
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you're left but you're right , ok , its getting
much clearer now
You would probably be better off if I didn't respond to your posts.
--
Message posted using http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/group/alt.support.depression/
More information at http://www.talkaboutsupport.com/faq.html
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 02:26:09 PM |
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On Jan 13, 1:35 pm, "%" <pers...@gmail.com> wrote:
homunculus wrote:
That's ok, I like myself the way I am.
no you don't
Why not?
i don't know that , you know that
What I know is that I like myself the way I am. If you think I don't,
you must have a reason why. Or maybe you're just messing around.
Either way is ok with me.
See? I do respond to your posts.
well anyone that replies to me can't be right in the head
I resemble that remark.
Brian Hudson
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Jimmy Carter: |
13 Jan 2008 02:25:20 PM |
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wrote:
On Jan 13, 1:35 pm, "%" <pers...@gmail.com> wrote:
homunculus wrote:
That's ok, I like myself the way I am.
no you don't
Why not?
i don't know that , you know that
What I know is that I like myself the way I am. If you think I
don't, you must have a reason why. Or maybe you're just messing
around. Either way is ok with me.
See? I do respond to your posts.
well anyone that replies to me can't be right in the head
I resemble that remark.
Brian Hudson
B#
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