| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Nina" |
| Date: |
18 Feb 2006 05:29:29 PM |
| Object: |
just another long musing |
It's funny, I suppose, how this comes and goes. I persist in having
this ludicrous and pathetic idea that one day, I won't have these sort
of ups and downs... one day, everything is easy, the next day, all I
can do is sit with my head pressed against the table and cry.
I'm not complaining, really. If you take the long view, things are so
much better than they were some years ago. I see a lot of hope in the
future. The big picture is ok. But when the worm turns, all I can do
is get snagged on the small stuff. Every little thing is a crisis,
but it's not even that. It's that everything hurts, existing hurts,
breathing hurts, and then I think that it might be good to cause
myself some kind of real pain, just to distract myself from the crap
generated by my head.
I just want to be happy, to be at peace, for a while. Michael said
something yesterday about little pockets of happiness, and the phrase
really stuck in my head, because I can feel what he means, those
moments with that sense of well-being, and something just bubbles up
inside you, and you think, wow, I'm happy. Wow. I've actually been
having a lot of those lately, but right at this moment, they seem a
lifetime away from me, impossible to reach. And I look around, and
there's nothing to satisfy, nothing for comfort, nothing for
happiness. I go through the motions, do the things that I should
do... try to work, clean, do a little on some of the numerous
projects, try not to think about the fact that there's no way that
I'll get everything done this weekend. And I have some stupid notion
that if I keep doing things, at some point, it will feel real.
I don't know why I write this, or why I bother to post it, amid all
the chaos. I really wanted to talk about something else, something
about how hard it is to keep working at reconstructing yourself, to
become a better person for the right reasons, to learn faith and trust
and the absence of the clinging, paranoid fear that dogs me all the
time. I'm doing that. It's slow, and it's impossible to articulate,
and it's so emotionally draining that everything else recedes into the
background. And maybe, really, that's the long term road to something
better. But I can put any of it together right now.
.
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| User: "Luna" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
19 Feb 2006 09:46:45 AM |
|
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"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote in message
news:8lafv1h3o4qhk4v51muoteadv17o18mcpa@4ax.com...
It's funny, I suppose, how this comes and goes. I persist in having
this ludicrous and pathetic idea that one day, I won't have these sort
of ups and downs... one day, everything is easy, the next day, all I
can do is sit with my head pressed against the table and cry.
I'm not complaining, really. If you take the long view, things are so
much better than they were some years ago. I see a lot of hope in the
future. The big picture is ok. But when the worm turns, all I can do
is get snagged on the small stuff. Every little thing is a crisis,
but it's not even that. It's that everything hurts, existing hurts,
breathing hurts, and then I think that it might be good to cause
myself some kind of real pain, just to distract myself from the crap
generated by my head.
I just want to be happy, to be at peace, for a while. Michael said
something yesterday about little pockets of happiness, and the phrase
really stuck in my head, because I can feel what he means, those
moments with that sense of well-being, and something just bubbles up
inside you, and you think, wow, I'm happy. Wow. I've actually been
having a lot of those lately, but right at this moment, they seem a
lifetime away from me, impossible to reach. And I look around, and
there's nothing to satisfy, nothing for comfort, nothing for
happiness. I go through the motions, do the things that I should
do... try to work, clean, do a little on some of the numerous
projects, try not to think about the fact that there's no way that
I'll get everything done this weekend. And I have some stupid notion
that if I keep doing things, at some point, it will feel real.
I don't know why I write this, or why I bother to post it, amid all
the chaos. I really wanted to talk about something else, something
about how hard it is to keep working at reconstructing yourself, to
become a better person for the right reasons, to learn faith and trust
and the absence of the clinging, paranoid fear that dogs me all the
time. I'm doing that. It's slow, and it's impossible to articulate,
and it's so emotionally draining that everything else recedes into the
background. And maybe, really, that's the long term road to something
better. But I can put any of it together right now.
If you notice that you're finding more of those pockets of happiness that's an
excellent sign, Nina. Metamorphosis is slow, you don't always notice it while
it's happening. The first clue is almost always the small changes. That's been
my experience.
After my last huge crash about six years ago it took me a full six months to get
simple bodily functions like sleeping and eating back on track, and that was
with some pretty intensive intervention by others.
I've always craved a lightning bolt. Epiphany would've been cool, but it was
never that glamorous.
Jean
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
|
| Title: Re: just another long musing |
20 Feb 2006 12:48:26 AM |
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"Luna" <lunajean@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:0OOdnYMsdbS6DmXenZ2dnUVZ_s2dnZ2d@giganews.com...
I've always craved a lightning bolt. Epiphany would've been cool, but it
was
never that glamorous.
Jean
Ha! Lightning bolt. Only if it promises to kill me. No matter how hard I
try or how close I get...I just can't get it right. Never. And somehow -
though I'm not always sure how - it's always my fault. Something I have
done or haven't done or don't even know I've done. A pervasive wrongness
that casts a pall over everything. Like a stain on your favourite linen.
Nothing I do makes it go away and it is ruined forever. I think I'm the
linen. Ruined forever. I don't know how to find my way back anymore.
--
Rhiannon
rhianon@sympatico.ca
The Labyrinth
http://thelabyrinthofr.blogspot.com
.
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| User: "yuluwirri" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
20 Feb 2006 02:31:58 PM |
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x-no-archive :yes
On Mon, 20 Feb 2006 01:48:26 -0500, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca>
wrote:
"Luna" <lunajean@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:0OOdnYMsdbS6DmXenZ2dnUVZ_s2dnZ2d@giganews.com...
I've always craved a lightning bolt. Epiphany would've been cool, but it
was
never that glamorous.
Jean
Ha! Lightning bolt. Only if it promises to kill me. No matter how hard I
try or how close I get...I just can't get it right. Never. And somehow -
though I'm not always sure how - it's always my fault. Something I have
done or haven't done or don't even know I've done. A pervasive wrongness
that casts a pall over everything. Like a stain on your favourite linen.
Nothing I do makes it go away and it is ruined forever. I think I'm the
linen. Ruined forever. I don't know how to find my way back anymore.
God Rhi this is so sad to read. I can also relate to much of what you
say here. You know, I have often thought it would be really cool to
see ourselves, just for one day, the way the people we love see us.
Perhaps then, we could finally get some balance to our perspective.
--
yuluwirri
~~~~~~~
Fish know.
~~~~~~~
yuluwirri@hotmail.com
.
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| User: "%" |
|
| Title: Re: just another long musing |
20 Feb 2006 02:32:40 PM |
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"yuluwirri" <yuluwirri@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:ok9kv196d40m9q4ei1d5ln4o8c04p0ubgj@4ax.com...
x-no-archive :yes
On Mon, 20 Feb 2006 01:48:26 -0500, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca>
wrote:
"Luna" <lunajean@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:0OOdnYMsdbS6DmXenZ2dnUVZ_s2dnZ2d@giganews.com...
I've always craved a lightning bolt. Epiphany would've been cool, but
it
was
never that glamorous.
Jean
Ha! Lightning bolt. Only if it promises to kill me. No matter how hard
I
try or how close I get...I just can't get it right. Never. And
somehow -
though I'm not always sure how - it's always my fault. Something I have
done or haven't done or don't even know I've done. A pervasive wrongness
that casts a pall over everything. Like a stain on your favourite linen.
Nothing I do makes it go away and it is ruined forever. I think I'm the
linen. Ruined forever. I don't know how to find my way back anymore.
God Rhi this is so sad to read. I can also relate to much of what you
say here. You know, I have often thought it would be really cool to
see ourselves, just for one day, the way the people we love see us.
Perhaps then, we could finally get some balance to our perspective.
--
yuluwirri
~~~~~~~
Fish know.
~~~~~~~
yuluwirri@hotmail.com
what if no one loves you
.
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| User: "Ivan Marsh" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
20 Feb 2006 02:54:08 PM |
|
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On Mon, 20 Feb 2006 13:32:40 -0700, % wrote:
"yuluwirri" <yuluwirri@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:ok9kv196d40m9q4ei1d5ln4o8c04p0ubgj@4ax.com...
x-no-archive :yes
On Mon, 20 Feb 2006 01:48:26 -0500, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca>
wrote:
"Luna" <lunajean@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:0OOdnYMsdbS6DmXenZ2dnUVZ_s2dnZ2d@giganews.com...
I've always craved a lightning bolt. Epiphany would've been cool, but
it
was
never that glamorous.
Jean
Ha! Lightning bolt. Only if it promises to kill me. No matter how hard
I
try or how close I get...I just can't get it right. Never. And
somehow -
though I'm not always sure how - it's always my fault. Something I have
done or haven't done or don't even know I've done. A pervasive wrongness
that casts a pall over everything. Like a stain on your favourite linen.
Nothing I do makes it go away and it is ruined forever. I think I'm the
linen. Ruined forever. I don't know how to find my way back anymore.
God Rhi this is so sad to read. I can also relate to much of what you
say here. You know, I have often thought it would be really cool to
see ourselves, just for one day, the way the people we love see us.
Perhaps then, we could finally get some balance to our perspective.
what if no one loves you
Then you end up like me.
--
The USA Patriot Act is the most unpatriotic act in American history.
.
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| User: "yuluwirri" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
20 Feb 2006 06:03:13 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
On Mon, 20 Feb 2006 13:32:40 -0700, "%" <persent@Gmail.com> wrote:
"yuluwirri" <yuluwirri@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:ok9kv196d40m9q4ei1d5ln4o8c04p0ubgj@4ax.com...
x-no-archive :yes
On Mon, 20 Feb 2006 01:48:26 -0500, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca>
wrote:
"Luna" <lunajean@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:0OOdnYMsdbS6DmXenZ2dnUVZ_s2dnZ2d@giganews.com...
I've always craved a lightning bolt. Epiphany would've been cool, but
it
was
never that glamorous.
Jean
Ha! Lightning bolt. Only if it promises to kill me. No matter how hard
I
try or how close I get...I just can't get it right. Never. And
somehow -
though I'm not always sure how - it's always my fault. Something I have
done or haven't done or don't even know I've done. A pervasive wrongness
that casts a pall over everything. Like a stain on your favourite linen.
Nothing I do makes it go away and it is ruined forever. I think I'm the
linen. Ruined forever. I don't know how to find my way back anymore.
God Rhi this is so sad to read. I can also relate to much of what you
say here. You know, I have often thought it would be really cool to
see ourselves, just for one day, the way the people we love see us.
Perhaps then, we could finally get some balance to our perspective.
what if no one loves you
I dunno. I guess you'd have to dig deeper and get that love from
yourself... or something.
--
yuluwirri
~~~~~~~
Fish know.
~~~~~~~
yuluwirri@hotmail.com
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
20 Feb 2006 08:15:45 PM |
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"yuluwirri" <yuluwirri@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:ok9kv196d40m9q4ei1d5ln4o8c04p0ubgj@4ax.com...
x-no-archive :yes
On Mon, 20 Feb 2006 01:48:26 -0500, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca>
wrote:
Ha! Lightning bolt. Only if it promises to kill me. No matter how hard
I
try or how close I get...I just can't get it right. Never. And
somehow -
though I'm not always sure how - it's always my fault. Something I have
done or haven't done or don't even know I've done. A pervasive wrongness
that casts a pall over everything. Like a stain on your favourite linen.
Nothing I do makes it go away and it is ruined forever. I think I'm the
linen. Ruined forever. I don't know how to find my way back anymore.
God Rhi this is so sad to read. I can also relate to much of what you
say here. You know, I have often thought it would be really cool to
see ourselves, just for one day, the way the people we love see us.
Perhaps then, we could finally get some balance to our perspective.
--
yuluwirri
~~~~~~~
Fish know.
~~~~~~~
yuluwirri@hotmail.com
Yeah...so sad...that's it...that's what it seems like to me too from a
distance, watching it as if it were someone else's life and feeling an all
consuming sadness for this person who is destined to miss out on that
ethereal something or other that everyone else seems to get. Only to
remember that the someone is me and it hits that much harder down deep with
the sadness is infinite. And it scares me too when I think about how much
of this I can take before I can't take anymore.
--
Rhi
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
20 Feb 2006 12:36:05 AM |
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"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote in message
news:8lafv1h3o4qhk4v51muoteadv17o18mcpa@4ax.com...
It's funny, I suppose, how this comes and goes. I persist in having
this ludicrous and pathetic idea that one day, I won't have these sort
of ups and downs... one day, everything is easy, the next day, all I
can do is sit with my head pressed against the table and cry.
This is exactly how I have been feeling too. Sorry Nina.
--
Rhiannon
rhianon@sympatico.ca
The Labyrinth
http://thelabyrinthofr.blogspot.com
.
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| User: "John" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
18 Feb 2006 06:50:49 PM |
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"Nina" <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote in message
news:8lafv1h3o4qhk4v51muoteadv17o18mcpa@4ax.com...
It's funny, I suppose, how this comes and goes. I persist in having
this ludicrous and pathetic idea that one day, I won't have these sort
of ups and downs... one day, everything is easy, the next day, all I
can do is sit with my head pressed against the table and cry.
I'm not complaining, really. If you take the long view, things are so
much better than they were some years ago. I see a lot of hope in the
future. The big picture is ok. But when the worm turns, all I can do
is get snagged on the small stuff. Every little thing is a crisis,
but it's not even that. It's that everything hurts, existing hurts,
breathing hurts, and then I think that it might be good to cause
myself some kind of real pain, just to distract myself from the crap
generated by my head.
I just want to be happy, to be at peace, for a while. Michael said
something yesterday about little pockets of happiness, and the phrase
really stuck in my head, because I can feel what he means, those
moments with that sense of well-being, and something just bubbles up
inside you, and you think, wow, I'm happy. Wow. I've actually been
having a lot of those lately, but right at this moment, they seem a
lifetime away from me, impossible to reach. And I look around, and
there's nothing to satisfy, nothing for comfort, nothing for
happiness. I go through the motions, do the things that I should
do... try to work, clean, do a little on some of the numerous
projects, try not to think about the fact that there's no way that
I'll get everything done this weekend. And I have some stupid notion
that if I keep doing things, at some point, it will feel real.
I don't know why I write this, or why I bother to post it, amid all
the chaos. I really wanted to talk about something else, something
about how hard it is to keep working at reconstructing yourself, to
become a better person for the right reasons, to learn faith and trust
and the absence of the clinging, paranoid fear that dogs me all the
time. I'm doing that. It's slow, and it's impossible to articulate,
and it's so emotionally draining that everything else recedes into the
background. And maybe, really, that's the long term road to something
better. But I can put any of it together right now.
I can relate to this.
I was up pretty much all night Thursday night and so wasn't at my best by
Friday afternoon. I had a conference call then on a major deal that I've
been hired to work on, and I got something wrong during the call. It wasn't
a major blunder, but it was a blunder nonetheless. I know from my
experience with colleagues that most of them would have just shrugged it off
because I've seen them screw up in much, much larger ways and not have it
faze them.
But to me, wow...It felt like a total and complete failure, like nothing I
had done to that point meant anything.
I have revisited that feeling, today, because it keeps coming up. For me,
it's this enormous overreaction to things. Things that wouldn't bother
others so much are total and complete disasters for me.
Anyhow.
It's getting better for me, too, and Maia has a huge amount to do with that.
It's like she's finally given me some perspective on these things. How can I
afford to be wrapped in such stupid things when she needs to have "tall" and
"short" and other equally fundamental things explained to her. And she does
things that are just so sweet. It takes my mind completely off those
things--or at least, it takes their edge off.
I wonder if it's like steering a car--you have to keep going a little left
and a little right to go straight, you can't just keep your hands locked on
the wheel. With the difference that, for us, the little left and little
right is a lot in both directions.
.
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| User: "áñti-ëVêrYtHïñG" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
19 Feb 2006 09:37:33 AM |
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On Sat, 18 Feb 2006 18:29:29 -0500, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote:
I don't know why I write this, or why I bother to post it, amid all
the chaos.
maybe you should write one liners about socks, breakfast food or some other
inane shite. as do a good percentage of posters.
.
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
19 Feb 2006 09:38:33 AM |
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On Sun, 19 Feb 2006 15:37:33 +0000, áñti-ëVêrYtHïñG <me@privacy.net>
wrote:
On Sat, 18 Feb 2006 18:29:29 -0500, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote:
I don't know why I write this, or why I bother to post it, amid all
the chaos.
maybe you should write one liners about socks, breakfast food or some other
inane shite. as do a good percentage of posters.
Variety.
I had cranberry almond cereal for breakfast.
.
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| User: "áñti-ëVêrYtHïñG" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
19 Feb 2006 09:41:51 AM |
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On Sun, 19 Feb 2006 10:38:33 -0500, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote:
I don't know why I write this, or why I bother to post it, amid all
the chaos.
maybe you should write one liners about socks, breakfast food or some other
inane shite. as do a good percentage of posters.
Variety.
I had cranberry almond cereal for breakfast.
I had eggs, bacon, beans and toast.
I'm a weapon of mass deflation (or I will be)
.
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| User: "Camel Toes R Us ,," |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
20 Feb 2006 05:27:17 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
"áñti-ëVêrYtHïñG" <me@privacy.net> wrote in message
news:0c4hv1hcvke1naouar4ea4ujijje4217tg@4ax.com...
| On Sun, 19 Feb 2006 10:38:33 -0500, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote:
|
| >>>I don't know why I write this, or why I bother to post it, amid all
| >>>the chaos.
| >>
| >>maybe you should write one liners about socks, breakfast food or some
other
| >>inane shite. as do a good percentage of posters.
| >
| >Variety.
| >
| >I had cranberry almond cereal for breakfast.
|
| I had eggs, bacon, beans and toast.
|
| I'm a weapon of mass deflation (or I will be)
I had a swagman's breakfast, a *****, fart and a look around.
,,
.
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| User: "elegy" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
19 Feb 2006 09:53:43 AM |
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long ago and far away, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> did say:
On Sun, 19 Feb 2006 15:37:33 +0000, áñti-ëVêrYtHïñG <me@privacy.net>
wrote:
On Sat, 18 Feb 2006 18:29:29 -0500, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net> wrote:
I don't know why I write this, or why I bother to post it, amid all
the chaos.
maybe you should write one liners about socks, breakfast food or some other
inane shite. as do a good percentage of posters.
Variety.
I had cranberry almond cereal for breakfast.
i had a big chocolate chip cookie. i'm such a health nut.
--
"i don't condone the liquefaction of pixies!" (kilgore trout)
http://shattering.org
x-no-archive:yes in the headers
.
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| User: "Inco Warren" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
18 Feb 2006 08:49:47 PM |
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You are so right... I seriously wonder if it is possible to find a
constant longlasting period of happyness. After all, what's
happyness?
Rrecentry, I don't know why, a female friend of mine suggested that I
am not happy because I'm all the time joking and behaving kind of
crazy and that kind of bothers me because probably she is right... but
only sometimes... but what is happyness? one can be happy at one
moment because got a good job, has a new relationship, etc but can be
not happy next day due to an infermity, tootache, a failed exam, a
controntation with a co-worker, etc.
I think some of us are have more propensity to beeing more "troubled"
than others because are more sensitive or we can nont have easily what
we are looking for. By instance, last four months my life was so good
and peaceful and everything went great eventhough it was winter and
dark most of the time... but, as usual, I had to look for any excuse
to get depressed and sad; just when I was starting to be content with
myself and live life to the fullest and being excited about my goals
in life and being single and free, a female friend popped into my life
and along friendship she put high expectations in my mind... and guess
what... I dot dissapointed and in the lowlands again...
You are so right though, we must become better people for the right
reeasons and enjoy the path; keep busy living.
On Sat, 18 Feb 2006 18:29:29 -0500, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
It's funny, I suppose, how this comes and goes. I persist in having
this ludicrous and pathetic idea that one day, I won't have these sort
of ups and downs... one day, everything is easy, the next day, all I
can do is sit with my head pressed against the table and cry.
I'm not complaining, really. If you take the long view, things are so
much better than they were some years ago. I see a lot of hope in the
future. The big picture is ok. But when the worm turns, all I can do
is get snagged on the small stuff. Every little thing is a crisis,
but it's not even that. It's that everything hurts, existing hurts,
breathing hurts, and then I think that it might be good to cause
myself some kind of real pain, just to distract myself from the crap
generated by my head.
I just want to be happy, to be at peace, for a while. Michael said
something yesterday about little pockets of happiness, and the phrase
really stuck in my head, because I can feel what he means, those
moments with that sense of well-being, and something just bubbles up
inside you, and you think, wow, I'm happy. Wow. I've actually been
having a lot of those lately, but right at this moment, they seem a
lifetime away from me, impossible to reach. And I look around, and
there's nothing to satisfy, nothing for comfort, nothing for
happiness. I go through the motions, do the things that I should
do... try to work, clean, do a little on some of the numerous
projects, try not to think about the fact that there's no way that
I'll get everything done this weekend. And I have some stupid notion
that if I keep doing things, at some point, it will feel real.
I don't know why I write this, or why I bother to post it, amid all
the chaos. I really wanted to talk about something else, something
about how hard it is to keep working at reconstructing yourself, to
become a better person for the right reasons, to learn faith and trust
and the absence of the clinging, paranoid fear that dogs me all the
time. I'm doing that. It's slow, and it's impossible to articulate,
and it's so emotionally draining that everything else recedes into the
background. And maybe, really, that's the long term road to something
better. But I can put any of it together right now.
.
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| User: "jill" |
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| Title: Re: just another long musing |
21 Feb 2006 12:09:28 PM |
|
|
Inco Warren wrote:
You are so right... I seriously wonder if it is possible to find a
constant longlasting period of happyness. After all, what's
happyness?
Rrecentry, I don't know why, a female friend of mine suggested that I
am not happy because I'm all the time joking and behaving kind of
crazy and that kind of bothers me because probably she is right... but
only sometimes... but what is happyness? one can be happy at one
moment because got a good job, has a new relationship, etc but can be
not happy next day due to an infermity, tootache, a failed exam, a
controntation with a co-worker, etc.
I think some of us are have more propensity to beeing more "troubled"
than others because are more sensitive or we can nont have easily what
we are looking for. By instance, last four months my life was so good
and peaceful and everything went great eventhough it was winter and
dark most of the time... but, as usual, I had to look for any excuse
to get depressed and sad; just when I was starting to be content with
myself and live life to the fullest and being excited about my goals
in life and being single and free, a female friend popped into my life
and along friendship she put high expectations in my mind... and guess
what... I dot dissapointed and in the lowlands again...
You are so right though, we must become better people for the right
reeasons and enjoy the path; keep busy living.
Hi Warren,, Happyness ,,HAHA it might help to learn how to spell it. I am sorry I hope you do not think this is mean, It really made me laugh I have never seen Happyness spelled that way before.
I think maybe our subconcious which( who are we kidding )is really
stearing the boat thinks we are not worthy of happiness When we get
too happy it takes steps to remind us we are not entitiled to be happy.
As for depressed people being more sensitive then everybody else.
Yeah more sensitive too themselves. I just do not buy this theory that
it is because we bleed for the whole world that we are depressed. I
think that is just horse shitt. Something sad people tell themselves to
help them cope. Not true . I think it is more true that depression may
come in part anyway from being overly concerned with self.. Depression
after all is all about me, me , me, I feel, I need , ,, Sometimes I
think gwad just get over it allready. Jill
On Sat, 18 Feb 2006 18:29:29 -0500, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
It's funny, I suppose, how this comes and goes. I persist in having
this ludicrous and pathetic idea that one day, I won't have these sort
of ups and downs... one day, everything is easy, the next day, all I
can do is sit with my head pressed against the table and cry.
I'm not complaining, really. If you take the long view, things are so
much better than they were some years ago. I see a lot of hope in the
future. The big picture is ok. But when the worm turns, all I can do
is get snagged on the small stuff. Every little thing is a crisis,
but it's not even that. It's that everything hurts, existing hurts,
breathing hurts, and then I think that it might be good to cause
myself some kind of real pain, just to distract myself from the crap
generated by my head.
I just want to be happy, to be at peace, for a while. Michael said
something yesterday about little pockets of happiness, and the phrase
really stuck in my head, because I can feel what he means, those
moments with that sense of well-being, and something just bubbles up
inside you, and you think, wow, I'm happy. Wow. I've actually been
having a lot of those lately, but right at this moment, they seem a
lifetime away from me, impossible to reach. And I look around, and
there's nothing to satisfy, nothing for comfort, nothing for
happiness. I go through the motions, do the things that I should
do... try to work, clean, do a little on some of the numerous
projects, try not to think about the fact that there's no way that
I'll get everything done this weekend. And I have some stupid notion
that if I keep doing things, at some point, it will feel real.
I don't know why I write this, or why I bother to post it, amid all
the chaos. I really wanted to talk about something else, something
about how hard it is to keep working at reconstructing yourself, to
become a better person for the right reasons, to learn faith and trust
and the absence of the clinging, paranoid fear that dogs me all the
time. I'm doing that. It's slow, and it's impossible to articulate,
and it's so emotionally draining that everything else recedes into the
background. And maybe, really, that's the long term road to something
better. But I can put any of it together right now.
.
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