| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Schneider" |
| Date: |
11 Jan 2007 12:59:29 AM |
| Object: |
Just I want to know what you think, am I depressed? Or dead? |
This is long, I'm sorry. If you have time, please oblige me...
I was baptised Catholic but have never been much of a practiciser, nor
do I ever go to
church.
Please know that I am always a very shy, introverted kind of person. I
think a lot,
mainly about myself, I think.
I work at Sydney Film School in Australia. I had ambitions to be a
filmmaker - not just
a filmmaker, but a genius - stupid ambitions. So I have always ventured
to absorb great
works of art, literature, music, cinema, and so on. I always told
myself - 'Seek out
more, find more, cultivate yourself, make yourself better' and so on.
Soon, while working here, I realised, I am not doing anything good. I
am just working.
I have no confidence to be a filmmaker. I am meek, and do what people
tell me, too
afraid to do what I want.
I became good friends with two international students. One was a gay
man, the other a
woman about six years older than me (I am 21). She was friendly, and I
could help her
(them both) with English.
For about a year I was friends with them both. I was happy and
contented with
everything. When it came time for her to return to her home country, I
started to feel
anxious. What would happen to me when she left? I would be alone and
friendless.
There was a dinner held before she left. One of my friends, from the
same country as
her, said to me, 'What do you think of her?' I don't know why I said
it, but I said, 'I
think she is beautiful.' But, you know, did I really? I think I said it
because I
wanted to be in love, because falling in love doesn't happen easily,
and since I am
friends with her...
Then my friend said to me, 'You should tell her before she goes, she
will change her
mind. It is part of our culture.' So I took his advice.
The day she left I had dinner with her and her cousins. When it came
time to go I said
what I wanted to say. Did I really feel it? She seemed undazed and was
quite friendly.
Now I know I was in my own world, not the real world...
After we finally seperated I broke down in tears (at the train
station...). It was
because I would never see her again, I think, not so much because of
love.
Yet, for the next six months I perservered with studying her language,
tried to keep in
contact with her... Still knowing but not acknowledging I probably
couldn't sustain
feelings of love at such a distance. But still I pushed on. I didn't
want to lose the
chance. I wanted to love. I wanted love. Did I?
And, you know, since I found myself incapable of being a filmmaker,
just a regular
working type, I decided I would give up my ambitions - for her. I would
learn her
language, get a degree in her language, and work in her country as an
English teacher.
So, my life's ambition became - her. (Which is insane, and utterly
regrettable).
Soon, I got the idea to go to visit her for new years eve. So I started
saving every
cent. I worked double hard. I booked a plane ticket.
I had tried to call her, to tell her I was going. I wanted to hear her
surprise, her
joy. But I couldn't, the phone never got through, strangely. I kept
trying, trying, and
two weeks before I failed again to connect, and I lost patience. I
raged and raged, and
banged my head on the floor like a lunatic. "When?!!?" I shouted. Then
suddenly,
something inside me changed. I felt everything fall down. Everything
died. Everything
was gone. All my hope, my emotions, my drive, dead. About two or three
days later she
replied to my email, full of surprise about my going to her country.
But she said it
was the wrong time to go, she was too busy and working.
Then I replied, but 'I'm going to see you!' without thinking. She was
taken aback. She
saw - I was going for her, not for travel or some other reason. She saw
right through
me.
I was utterly devestated and destroyed. I have been since then. All my
life's
ambitions, all the things that have kept me alive, since I no longer
believed in them,
only in her, have lost all value for me. I lost value in her. I
wrecklessly pursued her
anyway. I pretended to just be a friend, I pretended to be travelling.
I've lost my
mind. I've lied every which way in order to get around. I blew it.
So of course, I travelled her country. I met interesting people. I held
myself
together, even though I wanted to die.
Now, I must also say, even though I wrecklessly pursued her, I still
felt, when I saw
other women, some kind of attraction. Which I suppressed. Always, I
said to myself, you
must love only HER. ONLY. I controlled my emotions mindlessly.
And when I was over there, boiling in my confusion, by chance I bumped
into two young
people, my age, who asked me some questions in English. I was glad to
help them. They
started talking about God, and so on. I agreed to follow them to their
church, to
oblige them. At the church they said I had to be baptised, so recieve
the passover, and
so on. I was timid so I agreed.
Later, I felt ashamed. Why did I give in to them, do I have no
willpower? I thought. So
I called them and told them I took back what I did, that I didn't want
what happened. I
was quite rude, unfair.
I shouldn't have because now I feel completely dead. I have been the
worst man in the
world. Loveless, lifeless, just a body with blood coursing through it.
I have been back in Australia for several days. Every day is a curse, I
feel condemned.
Everything in my life is returning to me, how I have behaved in my
life. I realised I
was recieving a blessing to meet those two young people, accidentally,
that I should
have been good to them. I even felt good when I thought of them, but
since I was so
rude to them, I killed that too. How wreckless I have been! But now I
know I have never
loved anyone, that I have always expected others to love me, that all I
have ever done
is out of selfishness and not self-lessness. I have never had a
girlfriend, as you can
imagine.
I realise now how twisted my mind is. I pursued that woman
unrelentingly, against
myself. Now I realise I never truly loved her, that I was lying to
myself out of fear.
And now I love no one, because I kept blocking others out of my soul.
It is agony. I
feel like my soul is in hell while my body is on the earth. I have no
conscience, no
mind, just a mechanical thing to direct me. There seems to be no hope
for me, that I
can never recover what I have lost - my soul. I acted against it in all
instances. And
it didn't take long to do, either. Everywhere, people say God still
loves you, no
matter what you do. But I feel like I will never recieve that love. All
I want is to
die, to end this torment. I am 21, and I have to live another 50-60
years like this? I
don't want that, at all.
That's another thing- I feel like, my whole life, I've never wanted to
live. Just to
die. To be lazy. To be nothing. I have read some information about
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder, and I'm afraid I have that, or some disorder.
Something psychotic
about me. If I can't live in spirit, why live at all?
I've read a bit about near death experiences of people who attempted
suicide. It
doesn't seem so bad, but it could be, I don't know.
Thank you for you time, and patience, if you have made it so far.
.
|
|
| User: "the_dawggie" |
|
| Title: Re: Just I want to know what you think, am I depressed? Or dead? |
11 Jan 2007 01:36:36 AM |
|
|
Schneider wrote:
This is long, I'm sorry. If you have time, please oblige me...
No worries.
I was baptised Catholic but have never been much of a practiciser, nor
do I ever go to church.
Religion can go take a long hike way ---->>>> over there.
Please know that I am always a very shy, introverted kind of person. I
think a lot, mainly about myself, I think.
I'm kinda the same.
I can't form a relationship with anyone, as much as I'd like to.
I'm not that interested in females, or males either (I'm prolly
more interested in males).
I live fairly well by myself, be by myself. I've loved and lost earlier
as a 21 y/o. I'm 40 + a couple of months now - not had a relationship
in the past 20 years.
I know I want to, however I know I don't, and I don't know if I would
know how to.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Schneider" |
|
| Title: Re: Just I want to know what you think, am I depressed? Or dead? |
11 Jan 2007 03:45:40 AM |
|
|
I envy you. But I know it is wise not to envy, but merely to accept who
we are. So difficult, especially now. All I see is happy people. I
don't want to walk or talk or do anything anymore. I feel I've cut
myself off from God, from all humanity... just me, skin and bones with
no soul, no love. A foolish man, who thought he was wise.
the_dawggie wrote:
Schneider wrote:
This is long, I'm sorry. If you have time, please oblige me...
No worries.
I was baptised Catholic but have never been much of a practiciser, nor
do I ever go to church.
Religion can go take a long hike way ---->>>> over there.
Please know that I am always a very shy, introverted kind of person. I
think a lot, mainly about myself, I think.
I'm kinda the same.
I can't form a relationship with anyone, as much as I'd like to.
I'm not that interested in females, or males either (I'm prolly
more interested in males).
I live fairly well by myself, be by myself. I've loved and lost earlier
as a 21 y/o. I'm 40 + a couple of months now - not had a relationship
in the past 20 years.
I know I want to, however I know I don't, and I don't know if I would
know how to.
.
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