Life has always sucked balls. I had cancer at the age of 2 and spent 4 years
in chemo. I think this damaged me somehow, because people have always
treated me like an outcast ever since I can remember. I had almost no
friends until high school, and I seem to remember them being my friends
because I "helped" them with their math, because they were too fucking lazy
to think for themselves. When I got to my junior year I took about 100 pain
pills my mom had stashed away (she used to snort them with her ex-husband
years before). I did it because I was unhappy with myself, physically and
mentally. I wasn't good enough for everyone else. Not good looking enough,
not charismatic enough, whatever the ***** the reason, no one wanted me and I
hated everyone else who had girlfriends and a happy social life. I still
hate them. I HATE THEM! Because they have everything I want and have never
had and never will.

Tomorrow I'll be 30. In the past ten years I have done nothing worthwhile.
No college, no job, nothing. After I survived the suicide attempt, mainly
because I started thinking about the reality of death and got scared and
called 911, I finished high school. At home. That is, I had home schooling
because I couldn't face the crowds of teenagers anymore. I went back to
school only on graduation day.

After that things only sort of looked up. I lived in an apartment for a year
or so and had a job working with everyone else who lived there. I met this
girl I thought I loved, but she only wanted a friend and so I blew her off.
I met another girl who invited me to her prom, but months later it turned
out she was gay and was using me to stay in the closet. Of course. When she
came out, I was no longer her best friend. In the end, I moved back home to
my grandparents' house. For the next few years I gained about 100+ lbs. And
then one day I saw myself in the mirror and nearly vomited. I spent the next
year at a gym and lost almost all of the weight in that period. In the
meantime I met this woman on the internet, actually it is better to say I
met a few and "broke up" with them all eventually. In the end I did meet
this one particular woman whom I have lived with for the past 1 1/2 years,
and at first I thought things were looking up for once. Both of us just sit
around every day, doing nothing. Since I have been here, I have slowly come
to the realization that I have even less now than before I came here. I
can't watch any of the television shows I like because she doesn't like
them, I can't listen to the music I like because she likes other stuff. I
can't work out at the gym because she doesn't want me out of her sight, and
so I am fat again. FAT AGAIN, *****!

Tomorrow I will be 30, and my life is shittier than it has ever been. Old,
overweight and ugly, and I can't see it ever getting better. I have come to
the conclusion that if there is a God, he has his favorites and I am not one
of them. He hates me. He hates me just like I hate every beautiful and rich
and happy individual on the planet, especially celebrities, the pampered
motherfuckers, I hate them all. I hate God. And I hate myself and my life
and I want it to end. Now. There is no hope, there is nothing left but more
misery. I hate you, God. I hate you.

Life has always sucked balls. I had cancer at the age of 2 and spent 4
years in chemo. I think this damaged me somehow, because people have
always treated me like an outcast ever since I can remember. I had almost
no friends until high school, and I seem to remember them being my friends
because I "helped" them with their math, because they were too fucking
lazy to think for themselves. When I got to my junior year I took about
100 pain pills my mom had stashed away (she used to snort them with her
ex-husband years before). I did it because I was unhappy with myself,
physically and mentally. I wasn't good enough for everyone else. Not good
looking enough, not charismatic enough, whatever the ***** the reason, no
one wanted me and I hated everyone else who had girlfriends and a happy
social life. I still hate them. I HATE THEM! Because they have everything
I want and have never had and never will.

Tomorrow I'll be 30. In the past ten years I have done nothing worthwhile.
No college, no job, nothing. After I survived the suicide attempt, mainly
because I started thinking about the reality of death and got scared and
called 911, I finished high school. At home. That is, I had home schooling
because I couldn't face the crowds of teenagers anymore. I went back to
school only on graduation day.

After that things only sort of looked up. I lived in an apartment for a
year or so and had a job working with everyone else who lived there. I met
this girl I thought I loved, but she only wanted a friend and so I blew
her off. I met another girl who invited me to her prom, but months later
it turned out she was gay and was using me to stay in the closet. Of
course. When she came out, I was no longer her best friend. In the end, I
moved back home to my grandparents' house. For the next few years I gained
about 100+ lbs. And then one day I saw myself in the mirror and nearly
vomited. I spent the next year at a gym and lost almost all of the weight
in that period. In the meantime I met this woman on the internet, actually
it is better to say I met a few and "broke up" with them all eventually.
In the end I did meet this one particular woman whom I have lived with for
the past 1 1/2 years, and at first I thought things were looking up for
once. Both of us just sit around every day, doing nothing. Since I have
been here, I have slowly come to the realization that I have even less now
than before I came here. I can't watch any of the television shows I like
because she doesn't like them, I can't listen to the music I like because
she likes other stuff. I can't work out at the gym because she doesn't
want me out of her sight, and so I am fat again. FAT AGAIN, *****!

Tomorrow I will be 30, and my life is shittier than it has ever been. Old,
overweight and ugly, and I can't see it ever getting better. I have come
to the conclusion that if there is a God, he has his favorites and I am
not one of them. He hates me. He hates me just like I hate every beautiful
and rich and happy individual on the planet, especially celebrities, the
pampered motherfuckers, I hate them all. I hate God. And I hate myself and
my life and I want it to end. Now. There is no hope, there is nothing left
but more misery. I hate you, God. I hate you.