Spoiler - Talking about self-harm.


Hey Lisa,

I was just thinking about some stuff after reading some of
your posts from last night.

I can remember when I used to self-harm all the time. It
had become a habit of emotional pain relief, and when
nothing else worked, cutting sure did. It was powerfully
addictive so I can understand why you find it so very hard
to stop.

However, I also remembered what helped me overcome it.
Please remember I said helped, not entirely healed me of
it, but it sure helped.

When my doc didn't make a big thing out of my cutting, even
if I was doing it every day or 3 times a day or whenever,
he just shrugged and the horrible shame was taken from it.
The power it had simply started to fade.

When the shame of the cutting was gone, and the reaction
from my doc was gone, I found other ways of dealing with
the emotional pain.

I remember telling him "I cut last night" just as you would
say, "I read a book last night". It was very powerful. No
reaction from him, and no shame from me. I didn't share
with anyone else, and between the two of us, through
intensive therapy and other means, I stopped cutting.

It still comes back from time to time. This uncontrollable
urge to self-harm and it usually comes around when I am in
extreme emotional pain. It's like I just have to hurt
myself in some way as if I deserved it. It's like punishing
myself for feeling so depressed, or for being such a
rotten/awful person, or of course, the natural way it does
focus the pain else-where so that the emotional stuff
*appears* to be a little less painful.

I don't know if this will help you in any way, but perhaps
it is worth a try?

See what you think and I always wish the best for you.

G xoxox

thanks. i've done this before. sometimes it's helpful,
sometimes not. i'm not feeling guilt or shame now. more
concern at how i'm going to present it to clinicians. as for
myself, i really don't care that i'm cutting. all my pdoc said
when i told him was that he was sorry i was feeling so bad. no
major reaction. my therp will be a different story.

now it's in part of my latest partial treatment plan to post
on usenet for support and as a means of self-expression before
i cut. i might not be explicit about it, but expect plenty of
emotional posts to come, especially in my evenings/nights.

right now, cutting is the only way i've found to take a break
from the physical, mental, and emotional turmoil i'm feeling
through this med change. it's also the only way i can fall
asleep, even better than seroquel and restoril combined.

i posted my new plan on alt.support.self-harm. i can repost it
here if you want to see it.

-lisa