I don't consider myself sexually abused as a child but there were things
that happened to me or that I allowed to happen that I still feel deep shame
over especially since it led to behaviour that caused me to do things later
in life and live a promiscuous lifestyle.

About 2nd grade there was this kid up the street who was probably 13 or 14
and he would come around to me, find me alone and ask to touch me, to show
him my parts. Harass me till I would give in, or tell me nice things about
me that made me blush so I would invariably quickly show him what he was
there to see, just a quick flip of my shirt up. I was a chubby kid, so even
in 2nd grade my chest looked partially developed from being chubby. I
remember trying to pull up my shirt quickly and back down, but since I was
fat and it fit snuggly, it didn't go up and down easily and getting really
embarrassed. I didn't have nice things said to me much so the attention of
this older kid was nice, I thought he liked me, so I went along with it. It
was benign, no serious touching or anything worse, yet I remember the shame
of it and it leading to curiousity about sex at an early age that I wonder
if kids back then had. I was fairly sheltered, my parents strict and very
prudish, never watched anything remotely suggestive as is on tv now that
kids are bombarded with so young. So was thinking about sexual things after
that, 2nd grade on.

Then my brother is 2.5 years older. We would be left alone in the
house.....different times, safer than now and it was a very small sheltered
town. We would be left alone when we were in 4th and 6th grade respectively
for brief periods of time, like for an hour, maybe 3 at the most while my
parents went on a date, or business at my dad's church, he was a pastor
then.

My brother introduced the game, "spin the bottle" to me. Immediately I knew
it was wrong after he explained it to me, but I was curious and my brother
was always cruel mean to me growing up, really, really mean, so here he is
being nice to me......oh god, I'm justifying and making excuses for my
behaviour, yet it is background.......i dunno. Anyways, here he is being
sweet, nice, wanting to play games with me and it was nice having him care,
not tease me mercilessly for being fat and stupid (he's extremely
intelligent, skipped grades, excelled at everything, continues to). It
would consist of showing parts of the body and touching. I remember feeling
him and being scared because it was hard, only time I had ever seen a penis
was a flaccid one on a baby and here it was hard, I don't know why it
scared me but it did. He would touch me, if the bottle landed right of
course. My dares, somehow weren't nearly as serious as his were, but how
much more could he have know in 6th grade? I know, dumb question. I was so
fucking naive, yet maybe not. I remember him touching me and feeling so
much shame, wanting to go away forever because I felt so wrong, yet there
was that one part where it felt good and I know now that he had caused me to
have an orgasm, I didn't have a clue then what that was, but buried in all
the shame was that one good feeling.

After that, partially wanting his approval, desperate for a big brother to
watch over me, to care for me, and the other part now completely curious I
even asked to play that game again. So I know that I wasn't innocent in all
of this, not at all.

After that year, none of that stuff happened again with him, in fact I was
nothing but dirt in under his feet for the remainder of our growing up
years, he bullied me so much.

I would play with myself from the point where I discovered that good
feeling, not knowing what I was actually doing had a name, but knowing it
must be wrong, begging God for forgiveness each time, but not stopping. At
age 13 I found out there was a name for it and then real shame set in even
more. At age 13 I also started obsessing over wanting to have sex, which I
don't think is normal, but maybe it is (being a girl especially).

When I finally got the freedom, grew a little more attractive at 17, less
chubby, less zits, came out of my shell, I had a few dates and I was the
aggressive one in dates, wanting to know what all the fuss was about sex,
wanting to try it out. My first marriage, at 18 bombed by the time I was 20
and then I was even more wild, wanting to experience things.

I wonder if things would have happened, if I would have been more normal.
Much less partners, had a nice normal marriage with someone who treated me
nice. Would I have had less of a bad reputation because I wouldn't have
been sleeping around like i did? Been a nice girl, not used material.

I have a daughter who I worry constantly about. She's at the age I was when
I discovered those feelings, much too young for those feelings. I was a
child, I want her childhood untainted in that way. I know she's had a hard
life in other ways, but I don't want her so desperate for attention that she
will crave sexual attention to satisfy that.

I don't blame my brother, I asked for things , but I wonder why I was so bad
at a young age.

I never was raped as a child (date raped of times as an adult, but not as a
kid). The shame I felt for feeling flattered at attention I knew was wrong.
For saying yes to these people. For craving sex all through my youth, from
11 on up....god, that's when I first put my finger on time when depression
started. Here I was wanting to be a good person, at the time really into
being a "good christian" yet secretly wanting to act on all these sexual
things, and most of them not just married, acceptable sex, but wanting
different partners, and other things, not in this day and age wrong or
kinky, but from my parent's perspective would be wrong or people into
fundalmentalist christianity would be so wrong.