| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"justpackrat" |
| Date: |
26 Dec 2006 12:23:29 PM |
| Object: |
mini break down |
The last few days. Christmas over the last 20 years has been filled
with so many different family conflicts from the on going tug a war
over my oldest son when he was younger over where he went over the
holidays, leaving being the receiving end of all the negative left
overs from my first divorce (yeah, I'm a 2 time loser in that dept).
Things were always relatively friendly and good between that ex for the
first 8 years of the split, except for the holidays in which my ex's
controlling mother would try to take over. I finally waived the white
flag and realized it wasn't worth it and even though they constantly
saw their grandson since they lived in the same town and my family had
to fly in and travel extensively, I wasn't going to fight or demand
that we got the time at christmas when my family actually was there
when they wanted to see their grandson for the one or 2 times a year
that they got to. ***** it....let them have all the time and the
holidays too. My son just felt the pressure and thanks to me trying to
fight for my family's rights to see him when they could, now just hates
the holidays remembering feeling like the damned rope in a tug a war of
divorce families. I was stupid and thought what I was doing was right.
I thought my son deserved to know my side of the family too and just
because they didn't get to see him every day or week as his dad's side
due to distance thought that when my side got together we should have
been allowed that. My ex understood and was okay, but my ex mother in
law always threw the ***** fit and used it against me with my son. I
got where I dreaded the holidays every year and like I said, finally
waived the white flag and quit trying. I left it up to my son where/
when and what on the holidays, gave him the choices and let it go from
there.
So then my next marriage started and ended all around the holidays.
Christmas 4 years ago (I know, I know it's the past, get over it), but
was completely fucked up due to my now 2nd ex. Last time he saw the
kids was 3 years ago tomorrow and was only for a second to drop
remaining items of the kids off and wouldn't even let the kids hug him,
meanwhile left me with 2 confused kids crying for their dad who little
did we know was going to drop out.
All I"ve had are major flashbacks of all the different things that have
happened. I've tried to forget. I've tried to focus on the positive.
I have my kids, my oldest son is now happier than he's been in years
with his girlfriend and new baby. I don't have my ex. I still have
massive financial issues thanks to my ex that shouldn't have been and
if the courts and lawyers would have done what they should have I
wouldn't be where I am financially. But....again, I'm trying and have
tried not to dwell on year after year of bad stuff, such as choosing to
marry someone around christmas that in my heart I knew was an abusive
***** and then for christmas time to be the time for the split to
happen.
I'm in a relationship now with a great person who tries so hard. He's
not all mushy, sentimental and definitely doesn't understand my
reactions to certain things and why I can't just let go of the past,
why it haunts me. Yesterday, I fucked up so bad. Christmas has been
more bad than good over the years and I"m always waiting for the bomb
to drop. So instead of enjoying the day with my kids and bf, certain
things trigger me and I (as he would say), "go all mental". Since
christmas always has bad memories, I can't have a good one, right? So
I ***** it up.
What scares me even more is I worry about all the episodes adding up
and him realizing I'm more damaged than he should take on or want to
take on. As great of a person that he is, his job isn't to fix me.
Fix my fucked up memories. He deserves a whole person, not damaged
goods. Not someone who's going to sabotage a holiday to fulfill a
tradition of bad times. He told me along time ago, one of his motto's
is "first sign of mental...run". I've showed it over and over again.
It's been even worse lately. I should be happy this christmas but let
the past ruin it. I'm so scared I'm the soon to be ex gf who fucked up
for the last time.
.
|
|
| User: "punk" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
26 Dec 2006 04:38:01 PM |
|
|
i hope things start to get easier for you soon...
justpackrat wrote:
The last few days. Christmas over the last 20 years has been filled
with so many different family conflicts from the on going tug a war
over my oldest son when he was younger over where he went over the
holidays, leaving being the receiving end of all the negative left
overs from my first divorce (yeah, I'm a 2 time loser in that dept).
Things were always relatively friendly and good between that ex for the
first 8 years of the split, except for the holidays in which my ex's
controlling mother would try to take over. I finally waived the white
flag and realized it wasn't worth it and even though they constantly
saw their grandson since they lived in the same town and my family had
to fly in and travel extensively, I wasn't going to fight or demand
that we got the time at christmas when my family actually was there
when they wanted to see their grandson for the one or 2 times a year
that they got to. ***** it....let them have all the time and the
holidays too. My son just felt the pressure and thanks to me trying to
fight for my family's rights to see him when they could, now just hates
the holidays remembering feeling like the damned rope in a tug a war of
divorce families. I was stupid and thought what I was doing was right.
I thought my son deserved to know my side of the family too and just
because they didn't get to see him every day or week as his dad's side
due to distance thought that when my side got together we should have
been allowed that. My ex understood and was okay, but my ex mother in
law always threw the ***** fit and used it against me with my son. I
got where I dreaded the holidays every year and like I said, finally
waived the white flag and quit trying. I left it up to my son where/
when and what on the holidays, gave him the choices and let it go from
there.
So then my next marriage started and ended all around the holidays.
Christmas 4 years ago (I know, I know it's the past, get over it), but
was completely fucked up due to my now 2nd ex. Last time he saw the
kids was 3 years ago tomorrow and was only for a second to drop
remaining items of the kids off and wouldn't even let the kids hug him,
meanwhile left me with 2 confused kids crying for their dad who little
did we know was going to drop out.
All I"ve had are major flashbacks of all the different things that have
happened. I've tried to forget. I've tried to focus on the positive.
I have my kids, my oldest son is now happier than he's been in years
with his girlfriend and new baby. I don't have my ex. I still have
massive financial issues thanks to my ex that shouldn't have been and
if the courts and lawyers would have done what they should have I
wouldn't be where I am financially. But....again, I'm trying and have
tried not to dwell on year after year of bad stuff, such as choosing to
marry someone around christmas that in my heart I knew was an abusive
***** and then for christmas time to be the time for the split to
happen.
I'm in a relationship now with a great person who tries so hard. He's
not all mushy, sentimental and definitely doesn't understand my
reactions to certain things and why I can't just let go of the past,
why it haunts me. Yesterday, I fucked up so bad. Christmas has been
more bad than good over the years and I"m always waiting for the bomb
to drop. So instead of enjoying the day with my kids and bf, certain
things trigger me and I (as he would say), "go all mental". Since
christmas always has bad memories, I can't have a good one, right? So
I ***** it up.
What scares me even more is I worry about all the episodes adding up
and him realizing I'm more damaged than he should take on or want to
take on. As great of a person that he is, his job isn't to fix me.
Fix my fucked up memories. He deserves a whole person, not damaged
goods. Not someone who's going to sabotage a holiday to fulfill a
tradition of bad times. He told me along time ago, one of his motto's
is "first sign of mental...run". I've showed it over and over again.
It's been even worse lately. I should be happy this christmas but let
the past ruin it. I'm so scared I'm the soon to be ex gf who fucked up
for the last time.
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "jill" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
26 Dec 2006 03:08:26 PM |
|
|
justpackrat wrote:
The last few days. Christmas over the last 20 years has been filled
with so many different family conflicts from the on going tug a war
over my oldest son when he was younger over where he went over the
holidays, leaving being the receiving end of all the negative left
overs from my first divorce (yeah, I'm a 2 time loser in that dept).
Things were always relatively friendly and good between that ex for the
first 8 years of the split, except for the holidays in which my ex's
controlling mother would try to take over. I finally waived the white
flag and realized it wasn't worth it and even though they constantly
saw their grandson since they lived in the same town and my family had
to fly in and travel extensively, I wasn't going to fight or demand
that we got the time at christmas when my family actually was there
when they wanted to see their grandson for the one or 2 times a year
that they got to. ***** it....let them have all the time and the
holidays too. My son just felt the pressure and thanks to me trying to
fight for my family's rights to see him when they could, now just hates
the holidays remembering feeling like the damned rope in a tug a war of
divorce families. I was stupid and thought what I was doing was right.
I thought my son deserved to know my side of the family too and just
because they didn't get to see him every day or week as his dad's side
due to distance thought that when my side got together we should have
been allowed that. My ex understood and was okay, but my ex mother in
law always threw the ***** fit and used it against me with my son. I
got where I dreaded the holidays every year and like I said, finally
waived the white flag and quit trying. I left it up to my son where/
when and what on the holidays, gave him the choices and let it go from
there.
So then my next marriage started and ended all around the holidays.
Christmas 4 years ago (I know, I know it's the past, get over it), but
was completely fucked up due to my now 2nd ex. Last time he saw the
kids was 3 years ago tomorrow and was only for a second to drop
remaining items of the kids off and wouldn't even let the kids hug him,
meanwhile left me with 2 confused kids crying for their dad who little
did we know was going to drop out.
All I"ve had are major flashbacks of all the different things that have
happened. I've tried to forget. I've tried to focus on the positive.
I have my kids, my oldest son is now happier than he's been in years
with his girlfriend and new baby. I don't have my ex. I still have
massive financial issues thanks to my ex that shouldn't have been and
if the courts and lawyers would have done what they should have I
wouldn't be where I am financially. But....again, I'm trying and have
tried not to dwell on year after year of bad stuff, such as choosing to
marry someone around christmas that in my heart I knew was an abusive
***** and then for christmas time to be the time for the split to
happen.
I'm in a relationship now with a great person who tries so hard. He's
not all mushy, sentimental and definitely doesn't understand my
reactions to certain things and why I can't just let go of the past,
why it haunts me. Yesterday, I fucked up so bad. Christmas has been
more bad than good over the years and I"m always waiting for the bomb
to drop. So instead of enjoying the day with my kids and bf, certain
things trigger me and I (as he would say), "go all mental". Since
christmas always has bad memories, I can't have a good one, right? So
I ***** it up.
What scares me even more is I worry about all the episodes adding up
and him realizing I'm more damaged than he should take on or want to
take on. As great of a person that he is, his job isn't to fix me.
Fix my fucked up memories. He deserves a whole person, not damaged
goods. Not someone who's going to sabotage a holiday to fulfill a
tradition of bad times. He told me along time ago, one of his motto's
is "first sign of mental...run". I've showed it over and over again.
It's been even worse lately. I should be happy this christmas but let
the past ruin it. I'm so scared I'm the soon to be ex gf who fucked up
for the last time.
You just can't believe anybody could actually love you , don't
think that way, don't think about whats going to happen what good
does that do?? try to enjoy being with someone who doesn't get off
on making you feel like a loser. BE HAPPY!
I know christmas brings all sorts of stuff up from the depths, uck
,, its like what you do at christmas is a reflection of where your at
in life and I don't really like thinking about that , JILL
.
|
|
|
| User: "justpackrat" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
26 Dec 2006 04:52:12 PM |
|
|
jill wrote:
You just can't believe anybody could actually love you , don't
think that way, don't think about whats going to happen what good
does that do?? try to enjoy being with someone who doesn't get off
on making you feel like a loser. BE HAPPY!
I know christmas brings all sorts of stuff up from the depths, uck
,, its like what you do at christmas is a reflection of where your at
in life and I don't really like thinking about that , JILL
preparing for it??? Knowing I'm bringing on a good portion of it
myself. He doesn't try to make me feel like a loser and is good to me.
OTOH, has no patience or understanding of my emotional roller coaster
life. I want to feel safe and not have to hide everytime all this
hits. It's not his job to fix me, but as fragile as I feel right now
this fear of regection for what's going on inside just adds to
everything. I have this huge, huge argument going on inside me right
now. One being upset at having to try to fake it that I'm not
depressed ever, trying to figure out what normal is and knowing that's
what's expected if this is going to work because I can't be mental.
Feeling that threat knowing if I fail......as I fail I'm running him
off and he's totally justified. I couldn't fucking stand the walking
on eggshells with my ex and the explosive temper and always wondering
what mood he would be in, and how to be depending on his moods. Then I
look at my bf having to deal with me, and although it's on a
significantly lesser level, and I think it's similar for him living
with me. Throw in problems with my kids and he's told me that mine are
some of the worse he's been around, but he's really great with my kids
despite the fact. My kids adore him.
I hear the clock ticking and it's my fault. I can't blame him as what
would I advise someone else in his shoes?? Run!
I went from practically catanoic last fall, not working due to my
depression and a complete mental breakdown. Now am working, many weeks
working overtime, trying to get my life back and not ***** up the last
half of my life. Trying to get up out of the financial pit left from
my ex. Trying get past the bitterness of all the unfairness in how it
all went. Trying to figure out what normal and happy is.
I've had a taste of it with him. Although he doesn't see me as a happy
person, it's the happiest I've been since I can remember. I've tried
to fight past the fatigue of depression and my chronic pain issues and
tried to not be a slug.
His life is full of his friends, his racing, his family and I
definitely don't fit the mold. Keep up or be left behind and sure as
hell don't bring him down (I don't mean that as a slam to him). I'm
bringing him down and it's not fair to him. I've tried. I've tried not
being so needy. I've tried to straighten up my many dysfunctional ways
of acting out and I'll never get normal down. Night shift doesn't help
either, screwing with sleep/wake patterns.
I'm running him off. The pit in my gut is here. I wish I could just
get past this hump of this time of year. I wish I could prove myself
to me, him everyone. If given the chance, I'll probably just ***** it
up. I wish I could feel safe and accepted. The happiest I've been and
I ***** that up.
.
|
|
|
| User: "jill" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
27 Dec 2006 07:21:58 PM |
|
|
justpackrat wrote:
jill wrote:
You just can't believe anybody could actually love you , don't
think that way, don't think about whats going to happen what good
does that do?? try to enjoy being with someone who doesn't get off
on making you feel like a loser. BE HAPPY!
I know christmas brings all sorts of stuff up from the depths, uck
,, its like what you do at christmas is a reflection of where your at
in life and I don't really like thinking about that , JILL
preparing for it??? Knowing I'm bringing on a good portion of it
myself. He doesn't try to make me feel like a loser and is good to me.
OTOH, has no patience or understanding of my emotional roller coaster
life. I want to feel safe and not have to hide everytime all this
hits. It's not his job to fix me, but as fragile as I feel right now
this fear of regection for what's going on inside just adds to
everything. I have this huge, huge argument going on inside me right
now. One being upset at having to try to fake it that I'm not
depressed ever, trying to figure out what normal is and knowing that's
what's expected if this is going to work because I can't be mental.
Feeling that threat knowing if I fail......as I fail I'm running him
off and he's totally justified. I couldn't fucking stand the walking
on eggshells with my ex and the explosive temper and always wondering
what mood he would be in, and how to be depending on his moods. Then I
look at my bf having to deal with me, and although it's on a
significantly lesser level, and I think it's similar for him living
with me. Throw in problems with my kids and he's told me that mine are
some of the worse he's been around, but he's really great with my kids
despite the fact. My kids adore him.
I hear the clock ticking and it's my fault. I can't blame him as what
would I advise someone else in his shoes?? Run!
I went from practically catanoic last fall, not working due to my
depression and a complete mental breakdown. Now am working, many weeks
working overtime, trying to get my life back and not ***** up the last
half of my life. Trying to get up out of the financial pit left from
my ex. Trying get past the bitterness of all the unfairness in how it
all went. Trying to figure out what normal and happy is.
I've had a taste of it with him. Although he doesn't see me as a happy
person, it's the happiest I've been since I can remember. I've tried
to fight past the fatigue of depression and my chronic pain issues and
tried to not be a slug.
His life is full of his friends, his racing, his family and I
definitely don't fit the mold. Keep up or be left behind and sure as
hell don't bring him down (I don't mean that as a slam to him). I'm
bringing him down and it's not fair to him. I've tried. I've tried not
being so needy. I've tried to straighten up my many dysfunctional ways
of acting out and I'll never get normal down. Night shift doesn't help
either, screwing with sleep/wake patterns.
I'm running him off. The pit in my gut is here. I wish I could just
get past this hump of this time of year. I wish I could prove myself
to me, him everyone. If given the chance, I'll probably just ***** it
up. I wish I could feel safe and accepted. The happiest I've been and
I ***** that up.
Trust him. I really believe underneath it all you are afraid to be
happy cuz then if it falls apart that would just be too hard,It may be
I am projecting my feelings on to you. I could be doing that. You
remind me of myself though and that is what I am most afraid of.
Having love and losing it. I don't think I could survive that. The
only thing worse then losing love is not being able to love at all so
there in lies the rub . You worry to much, . JILL
.
|
|
|
| User: "%" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
27 Dec 2006 07:22:58 PM |
|
|
JILL %^)
.
|
|
|
| User: "jill" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
27 Dec 2006 07:28:48 PM |
|
|
% wrote:
JILL %^)
DAVE, (smiling) how are you?
.
|
|
|
| User: "%" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
27 Dec 2006 07:31:00 PM |
|
|
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167269328.170860.205180@n51g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
JILL %^)
DAVE, (smiling) how are you?
tired and somewhat impared , you ?
.
|
|
|
| User: "jill" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
27 Dec 2006 07:35:19 PM |
|
|
% wrote:
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167269328.170860.205180@n51g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
JILL %^)
DAVE, (smiling) how are you?
tired and somewhat impared , you ?
That is funny, thats exactly how I feel . It gets dark so early now. How was christmas did you get good stuff?
.
|
|
|
| User: "%" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
27 Dec 2006 07:43:18 PM |
|
|
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167269719.133781.209640@f1g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167269328.170860.205180@n51g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
JILL %^)
DAVE, (smiling) how are you?
tired and somewhat impared , you ?
That is funny, thats exactly how I feel . It gets dark so early now.
How was christmas did you get good stuff?
yea , i got some junk i like ,
some i'm so so about ,
and some i'll trade for junk i like ,
you know the ropes , how was yours
.
|
|
|
| User: "jill" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
27 Dec 2006 07:51:32 PM |
|
|
% wrote:
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167269719.133781.209640@f1g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167269328.170860.205180@n51g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
JILL %^)
DAVE, (smiling) how are you?
tired and somewhat impared , you ?
That is funny, thats exactly how I feel . It gets dark so early now.
How was christmas did you get good stuff?
yea , i got some junk i like ,
some i'm so so about ,
and some i'll trade for junk i like ,
you know the ropes , how was yours
Candles and socks , I got a yoga mat , well I actually got the
whole kit , the mat the yoga tape and a book that explains everything
else . wow.
It was okay, I really like my socks , they are the furry ones , very
warm and cozy. No big drama this year, I manage not to get drunk
and knock over the christmas tree , thats good. I got so many
candles if the power goes out for year I will be ready,
.
|
|
|
| User: "%" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
27 Dec 2006 07:56:36 PM |
|
|
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167270692.556990.111460@a3g2000cwd.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167269719.133781.209640@f1g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167269328.170860.205180@n51g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
JILL %^)
DAVE, (smiling) how are you?
tired and somewhat impared , you ?
That is funny, thats exactly how I feel . It gets dark so early
now.
How was christmas did you get good stuff?
yea , i got some junk i like ,
some i'm so so about ,
and some i'll trade for junk i like ,
you know the ropes , how was yours
Candles and socks , I got a yoga mat , well I actually got the
whole kit , the mat the yoga tape and a book that explains everything
else . wow.
It was okay, I really like my socks , they are the furry ones , very
warm and cozy. No big drama this year, I manage not to get drunk
and knock over the christmas tree , thats good. I got so many
candles if the power goes out for year I will be ready,
do you have a yoga chime thing ,
i like the chime things
.
|
|
|
| User: "jill" |
|
| Title: Re: mini break down |
28 Dec 2006 10:31:35 AM |
|
|
% wrote:
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167270692.556990.111460@a3g2000cwd.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167269719.133781.209640@f1g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
"jill" <ojj9691@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1167269328.170860.205180@n51g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
% wrote:
JILL %^)
DAVE, (smiling) how are you?
tired and somewhat impared , you ?
That is funny, thats exactly how I feel . It gets dark so early
now.
How was christmas did you get good stuff?
yea , i got some junk i like ,
some i'm so so about ,
and some i'll trade for junk i like ,
you know the ropes , how was yours
Candles and socks , I got a yoga mat , well I actually got the
whole kit , the mat the yoga tape and a book that explains everything
else . wow.
It was okay, I really like my socks , they are the furry ones , very
warm and cozy. No big drama this year, I manage not to get drunk
and knock over the christmas tree , thats good. I got so many
candles if the power goes out for year I will be ready,
do you have a yoga chime thing ,
i like the chime things
No what is that, is that a little bell. Do you ring it at the end or
the beginning? whats it suppose to mean. ? I will have to look in my
book. JILL
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Related Articles |
|
|
