| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Bizby38" |
| Date: |
04 Nov 2003 12:37:37 AM |
| Object: |
more rambling |
I posted a week or so about how I'd just recently come to
use the term "depressed" for myself. I think I'm struggling
not only with a new label, but with a new depth of unhappiness
that I've never quite felt before. Well, except maybe in
college. But in college -- well, I don't want to trivialize what I
was feeling at the time, but in college everything seems to be
about the drama.
At any rate, what I mostly feel right now is alone. I can't talk
to my parents about what is going on because it would only
worry them and they aren't in a position to help me. My
husband has been pretty completely unsupportive. And my
friends, well, they try, but if all I ever do with them is unload,
then I won't have friends much longer.
I still can't shake the feeling that I'm just being a whiner. After
all, there is nothing wrong with my life, other than a failing
marriage. And it's quite possible that the marriage is in
trouble because of the depression, not the other way around.
I mean, I haven't been dumped, or lost my job, or had someone
close to me die, or any other reason to be sad.
Nonetheless, I can empathize so much with Scott. In one post
he talked about how he would clean the chicken coop and cat
box because he had to, but that was about it. That's where I
am in my life. I can do the things that I absolutely have to, but
practically nothing else. In my case, I have two young children,
so there is quite a bit that falls into the "have to" category. They
must be fed and have clean clothes and get on the bus every
morning with their lunches and snacks and homework done.
And sometimes the things that need to be done are just too
overwhelming. Tonight I was going to make a pot roast for
dinner. But the kids started fighting and my mood took a
nosedive, and before I knew it, it was too late. So I start
looking through my cupboards for my "emergency dinners"
-- frozen lasagna, Hamburger Helper, spaghetti -- but my
hubby had complained so much about them that I hadn't
bought any of them, and so the only "emergency dinner"
left was Gorditas, and we'd had Mexican only two nights
before, so I knew he wouldn't go for that.
So he walks through the door and I've yet to even start a
dinner, and I explain the situation to him and how I'm in need
of help, and he just looks at me and says, "Well I can't just
magically make food appear" and stalks out of the room.
So I make the only thing I can think of at this point which is
grilled cheese and soup, and I'm bawling the whole time, and
he comes back in and says, "I'll make it, just go sit down."
But of course by this time it's too late. What I wanted was for
him to decide what to do about dinner -- to be kind and to
offer to help -- not to come take over because I "can't handle
it". And yes, I realize that this is in no way fair to him. He
worked all day and doesn't need to have my mood dumped
on him as soon as he walks in the door.
Now tomorrow (today actually) is election day and the kids
have off of school and I should be looking forward to a fun
day with them, and instead I'm just dreading it. How am I
going to get through it? And wouldn't you know, hubby has
to work late tomorrow, so it's going to be an extra long day
as well.
Anyway, whine, whine, whine....
Bizby
.
|
|
| User: "Whiskers" |
|
| Title: Re: more rambling |
04 Nov 2003 03:48:50 PM |
|
|
In alt.support.depression on Tuesday 04 Nov 2003 6:37 am, Bizby38
<bizby38@adelphia.net> wrote:
snip
What I wanted was for
him to decide what to do about dinner -- to be kind and to
offer to help -- not to come take over because I "can't handle
it". And yes, I realize that this is in no way fair to him. He
worked all day and doesn't need to have my mood dumped
on him as soon as he walks in the door.
snip
Sounds as though you two need to have a good talk to each other.
Have you talked to your doctor about how much of a struggle things have
become?
Anyway, welcome to ASD :))
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^ Interested in Citroens?
-- Whiskers <http://www.aacit.net>
-- ~~~~~~~~~~ <news:alt.autos.citroen>
.
|
|
|
| User: "Bizby38" |
|
| Title: Re: more rambling |
04 Nov 2003 07:33:48 PM |
|
|
"Whiskers" <catwheezel@operamail.com> wrote in message
news:5fjl71-i5e.ln1@ID-107770.user.uni-berlin.de...
In alt.support.depression on Tuesday 04 Nov 2003 6:37 am, Bizby38
<bizby38@adelphia.net> wrote:
snip
What I wanted was for
him to decide what to do about dinner -- to be kind and to
offer to help -- not to come take over because I "can't handle
it". And yes, I realize that this is in no way fair to him. He
worked all day and doesn't need to have my mood dumped
on him as soon as he walks in the door.
snip
Sounds as though you two need to have a good talk to each other.
Have you talked to your doctor about how much of a struggle things have
become?
Anyway, welcome to ASD :))
Thanks.
I haven't talked to my doctor about it because I don't currently have one.
I was seeing someone until the end of the summer, but she didn't seem to
be helping me any, and besides, it seemed like I mostly talked to her
about my marital problems. So I stopped seeing her, and my husband
and I have been in marital counseling for about 6 weeks. But things keep
getting worse for me personally, and I've decided that I do need to have
individual counseling. So I'm seeing someone new tomorrow.
As for talking to my hubby, well, that's part of why we're in counseling.
I can't talk to him. And I do mean that literally. If it's anything other
than chit-chat or banter, he will just walk out of the room. My neediness
just makes him angry. He thinks he's been supportive, and he has --
with his checkbook. But anything more is my problem.
Bizby
.
|
|
|
| User: "Whiskers" |
|
| Title: Re: more rambling |
05 Nov 2003 06:05:27 PM |
|
|
In alt.support.depression on Wednesday 05 Nov 2003 1:33 am, Bizby38
<bizby38@adelphia.net> wrote:
snip
As for talking to my hubby, well, that's part of why we're in counseling.
I can't talk to him. And I do mean that literally. If it's anything
other than chit-chat or banter, he will just walk out of the room. My
neediness just makes him angry. He thinks he's been supportive, and he
has -- with his checkbook. But anything more is my problem.
Some people find any 'illness' is scary or confusing, so they try to avoid
having to confront it.
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^ Interested in Citroens?
-- Whiskers <http://www.aacit.net>
-- ~~~~~~~~~~ <news:alt.autos.citroen>
.
|
|
|
| User: "Bizby38" |
|
| Title: Re: more rambling |
06 Nov 2003 05:48:40 AM |
|
|
"Whiskers" <catwheezel@operamail.com> wrote in message
news:7rfo71-38r.ln1@ID-107770.user.uni-berlin.de...
In alt.support.depression on Wednesday 05 Nov 2003 1:33 am, Bizby38
<bizby38@adelphia.net> wrote:
snip
As for talking to my hubby, well, that's part of why we're in
counseling.
I can't talk to him. And I do mean that literally. If it's anything
other than chit-chat or banter, he will just walk out of the room. My
neediness just makes him angry. He thinks he's been supportive, and he
has -- with his checkbook. But anything more is my problem.
Some people find any 'illness' is scary or confusing, so they try to avoid
having to confront it.
Maybe. We had another talk last night. I told him I didn't think he
thought
depression was "real". He said the diabetes analogy breaks down when
you realize that having diabetes doesn't affect your family to nearly the
same extent as depression does. So I said, "Forget diabetes -- what if
I had cancer? And I was ehausted and couldn't care for the house and
kids, and I was in pain so I was depressed and irritable. I'm sure you'd
stick by me then and not be angry with me for being sick." That may
or may not be true, but in any case, he didn't have an answer for it.
Bizby
.
|
|
|
| User: "Whiskers" |
|
| Title: Re: more rambling |
06 Nov 2003 10:27:59 AM |
|
|
In alt.support.depression on Thursday 06 Nov 2003 11:48 am, Bizby38
<bizby38@adelphia.net> wrote:
"Whiskers" <catwheezel@operamail.com> wrote in message
news:7rfo71-38r.ln1@ID-107770.user.uni-berlin.de...
snip
Some people find any 'illness' is scary or confusing, so they try to
avoid having to confront it.
Maybe. We had another talk last night. I told him I didn't think he
thought
depression was "real". He said the diabetes analogy breaks down when
you realize that having diabetes doesn't affect your family to nearly the
same extent as depression does. So I said, "Forget diabetes -- what if
I had cancer? And I was ehausted and couldn't care for the house and
kids, and I was in pain so I was depressed and irritable. I'm sure you'd
stick by me then and not be angry with me for being sick." That may
or may not be true, but in any case, he didn't have an answer for it.
Bizby
It sounds as though you are both communicating fairly well. It is difficult
for anyone to understand Depression when they haven't come across it
before, but your husband does seem to be trying.
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^ Interested in Citroens?
-- Whiskers <http://www.aacit.net>
-- ~~~~~~~~~~ <news:alt.autos.citroen>
.
|
|
|
| User: "Bizby38" |
|
| Title: Re: more rambling |
06 Nov 2003 12:52:05 PM |
|
|
"Whiskers" <catwheezel@operamail.com> wrote in message
news:id9q71-293.ln1@ID-107770.user.uni-berlin.de...
It sounds as though you are both communicating fairly well. It is
difficult
for anyone to understand Depression when they haven't come across it
before, but your husband does seem to be trying.
It's nice to hear an outsider say that, because I haven't been sure. Ever
since
starting marriage counseling, we seem to be arguing a lot more, and I can't
decide if it's because we've finally started talking and just haven't quite
learned how to do it right, or if it's because the counseling has stirred up
all these bad feelings. I am the one who pushed for the counseling, and
I'll admit I was scared to do so. What if what he discovers during
counseling is that he doesn't want to be with me anymore?
Last night's discussion/argument was better than many in that it didn't
degenerate into yelling or saying nasty things. But I never know at the
end of it whether anything I say has penetrated or not. At any rate, he
didn't seem angry at the end, and actually called to invite me to lunch
today! So I'll take those both as good signs.
Bizby
.
|
|
|
| User: "Whiskers" |
|
| Title: Re: more rambling |
06 Nov 2003 04:40:32 PM |
|
|
In alt.support.depression on Thursday 06 Nov 2003 6:52 pm, Bizby38
<bizby38@adelphia.net> wrote:
snip
Last night's discussion/argument was better than many in that it didn't
degenerate into yelling or saying nasty things. But I never know at the
end of it whether anything I say has penetrated or not. At any rate, he
didn't seem angry at the end, and actually called to invite me to lunch
today! So I'll take those both as good signs.
Sounds promising ;))
Men and women don't seem to speak the same emotional language, so
misunderstandings are inevitable.
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^ Interested in Citroens?
-- Whiskers <http://www.aacit.net>
-- ~~~~~~~~~~ <news:alt.autos.citroen>
.
|
|
|
| User: "Bizby38" |
|
| Title: Re: more rambling |
07 Nov 2003 04:47:55 PM |
|
|
"Whiskers" <catwheezel@operamail.com> wrote in message
news:08vq71-p06.ln1@ID-107770.user.uni-berlin.de...
Men and women don't seem to speak the same emotional language, so
misunderstandings are inevitable.
Hubby is a stereotypical man, only more so.
We had our weekly marital counseling today. We were discussing a
problem between me and my in-laws. Without going into details (which
would make a *long* post), the counselor told me that he thinks that
I'm projecting things onto my in-laws because of my own problems
and that finding a way to feel better around them is 70% my responsibility.
He said I shouldn't expect people to have to conform to my moods.
This was kind of a slap in the face for me -- a wake up call if you will.
It occurred to me that this is exactly the kind of person I'm looking for
with my depression counseling. I hadn't exactly put my finger on what
my problem was with the others, but I think this is it -- they spent a lot
of time clucking in sympathy, and that isn't what I want -- I want someone
to help me snap out of it.
I suppose he can't be my personal counselor and marriage counselor
both, so I might see if he has any recommendations.
Bizby
.
|
|
|
| User: "Whiskers" |
|
| Title: Re: more rambling |
07 Nov 2003 07:51:45 PM |
|
|
In alt.support.depression on Friday 07 Nov 2003 10:47 pm, Bizby38
<bizby38@adelphia.net> wrote:
snip
I suppose he can't be my personal counselor and marriage counselor
both, so I might see if he has any recommendations.
Certainly sounds as though this counsellor is worth the fee :))
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^ Interested in Citroens?
-- Whiskers <http://www.aacit.net>
-- ~~~~~~~~~~ <news:alt.autos.citroen>
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Related Articles |
|
|
